The Gift Of Listening

I laughed so much about this little video clip when I first saw it. It's Not About the Nail beautifully illustrates the concept that most women want to be heard by their partner, but really don't need them to take over and solve the problem for them. Women often feel more heard and understood to have a partner do reflective or active listening and repeat back, in different words, what they are saying.

This is the concept behind John Gray's books about the differences between genders and communication style. He wrote the very popular book Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus in 1992. If men can be aware of this difference, they can check in and clarify with their partner whether they want to vent and get empathy, or whether they want solutions. In general, I recommend not offering solutions to people unless they ask you for them.

I've done some training for couples counselors that provides a listener's continuum, a spectrum of options that help people identify where they are in their own progress as a listener. Many people would rather have you keep it to yourself, others start to argue and defend their own point of view, or try to alleviate the tension they feel by trying to fix things. (In this video clip, it's when he wants to pull out the nail).

Better listeners give feedback about the feelings the other person is conveying, ask questions to deepen their understanding of you, remain calm, don't take things personally, and stay curious about the other person. When you respond with empathy and compassion, the other person naturally wants to open up more to you. When you start arguing and defending, or solving the other person's problem, you will notice that the other person shuts down.

Most people don't listen very well. Children notice that their parents don't listen, or multitask, or only notice if they act up. Many people stop talking but are busily preparing their rebuttal, making a grocery list or thinking of what else they have to do later that day. If every child and teen could have someone in their lives who really listened, deeply from the heart, we could create powerful positive change in our turbulent world.

To be truly listened to, and understood, feels wonderful. Truly slowing down to listen from the heart is one of the best presents you can give or receive. If we are sensitive to our role as a listener, we can give our partner, and our children, one of the best gifts we can offer in this busy, distracted world of ours. You could be that listener for one young person.

As the poet and author Mark Nepo writes in his book, Seven Thousand Ways to Listen, "Listening is the closest we come to living forever. Close your eyes and inhale, slowly. Exhale slowly. Inhale slowly and realize that your life will unfold between the appointments you know of and the appointments you will discover along the way. Open your eyes and exhale slowly, saying yes as you begin."

Rethinking Retirement: Yes, No or Maybe Later

When are you going to retire?

More people are working later in their lives rather than at or near 65. Life expectancy is at least 25 years longer than it was a century ago. A later retirement might be for financial reasons, but there are  plenty of other professionals who really enjoy the work they are doing. Some people want to continue to work either part or full time beyond age 65. Maybe it's good that people are mixing up the three boxes of life- play, learning and work- and not limiting over 65 to just one.

Over half of baby boomers say they are planning to work past age 66. We should expect that people at work and your family and friends may ask you about your plans for retirement, so it's an advantage to have a plan in mind and think through what you envision for your 60's, 70's and beyond.

In planning for the emotional shifts in retirement, it's essential to prepare for how you will replace the satisfaction, contribution and people contact you may have had through work. You want to consider not only what are you are retiring from, but what are you retiring to? Shifting from full time to part time work can be a strategy to ease into the transition and give yourself time to adjust.

Retiring later has to be worked through as a couple if you are partnered, with consideration for your age difference and individual needs. Some couples retire together, while others negotiate one working months or years longer. Before and after the retirement of one or both partners, couples need to work through how roles may need to change, and how they will continue to cultivate both separate and joint activities. I don't recommend that couples spend all their time together as it's not enough fresh input and could lead to suffocating each other emotionally. Balancing individuation and close connection is key at all stages of a couple's relationship.

Learning to love, honor and negotiate through different visions for the this chapter of life is key. Couples can be on the same clocks while working and raising children, but have very different hopes and dreams after that. I'm working with several mature couples who are trying to navigate through their different ideas about retirement and relocation in a way that is loving. Think about discussing these hopes and needs, not assuming that your partner's align with yours.

It's also important to position yourself at work to stay later in your career if that's what you choose. Stay up to date with technology. Keep doing continuing education. Join and be involved in professional associations. Meet and befriend work colleagues of different ages. Communicate your intentions to others at work that you intend to stay longer. Stay engaged and passionate about your work. Learn new things. Take on long-term projects. Be involved in mentoring and reciprocal mentoring relationships. Keep setting goals and working towards them.

Retirement? Maybe, maybe not. It's a whole new world of possibilities, and all the old assumptions are out. If we are likely to live past 80, we're getting bonus years our great grandparents didn't have. It's bonus time to do whatever we enjoy and the things that keep us active and engaged in life.

Saving Your Relationships From Death by Cellphone

Angels baseball pitcher Jared Weaver was quoted in an article in the OC Register yesterday by sports writer Jeff Fletcher yesterday that things are very different in the Angels clubhouse before games now than they were when he came up to the majors in 2006. Players used to talk, bond and communicate with each other freely. Now people are, "checking all their stuff on their phones." Minnesota Twins manager Paul Molitor has made a rule asking his team to not use phones for 30 minutes before all regular season games. It is hard to regulate adults, but clearly cell phone use is impacting relationships not only on sports teams but also at work, between couples and within families.

It's great to stay connected, but when are we too connected to our cellphones and not connected enough in person, live with the people we live with? How can we put some limits on our phone habits so we are intentionally present in our relationships? What rules can we set with our children and teens, and what can we negotiate to clear sacred space for our relationship with family and close friends?

In the Sunday, March 22 edition of the New York Times, writer Bruce Feiler focused on cellphones in his This Life column. Fieler reminds us that despite children and teens having cellphones, you are still the parent. I like to remind parents in family counseling that they are the co-architects of their families and can take bold moves to make families stronger and better places to be. Cellphone habits can deteriorate the quality of your family relationships without your action and intentionality.

Here are a few of his excellent suggestions:

1. Put some limits on when phones are used. Children and adults may need to park and plug in their phones with a curfew on phone use. The Obamas don't allow their girls to use cellphones during the school week, for example. Park the phones in a place where you can monitor. Several studies have shown that teens with their phones in their rooms sleep less.

2. No cell phones at family times---mealtimes, connecting times, etc. Stack the cell phones up in a visible spot if you are out to eat together.

3. Car rides are important connecting and bonding time. Some families have a no cellphones rule for the first 20 minutes of any car ride. Remember the games we played in cars going on road trips when we grew up?

4. Do more electronics free activities with each other, like bike riding, hiking, camping, swimming, surfing and walking.

5. Teach your kids to read texts twice and when it is okay and not okay to text. I want parents to teach their children that texts are fine for brief data transmission like a time to meet, but not a place to work through relationship conflicts because it is full of miscommunication possibilities and is no substitute for brave in person discussions about emotionally charged topics. For example,
it's fine to make plans to meet at 5:00 for the movie, but don't break up with someone by text.

6. Keep talking with your children about bullying, sexting, gossiping and other potential cellphone mistakes and the possible harm that can be done. Remind them not to send out anything that they wouldn't want broadly distributed.

7. Do unto yourself. Make sure you abide by the same limits and set times when you put your own cellphone away. I often have children and teens complain to me in counseling about parents who can't stop being on their phones.

8. Don't interrupt special moments with your partner or your child to answer the phone.

Taking an active leadership role in your family is important for making sure that your family relationships don't get fragmented by cellphone use. Whether you're out on a date night, a walk with your partner, or interacting with your children, it's of crucial importance to the relationship to be engaged and fully present. This shows the other person that they are more important than anyone or anything else in the world right now, and that feels wonderful. Isn't that attention from those we love the thing we all crave and need so deeply?

36 Questions to Create Connection

Dr. Arthur Aron studies the science of intimacy and love at the Stony Brook University School of Medicine in New York. He's found out a lot of interesting data about how couples fall in love, deepen their connection, and stay satisfied in relationships.  He also studies interpersonal closeness as a cognitive overlap between self and other and how self expansion motivations relate to and can be used to alleviate the common decline in relationship satisfaction over time. He's a fellow of the American Psychological Society, and a main investigator on a major national science foundation research grant. He's an editor for several professional journals.

I was reminded of his work this week when I read the New York Times column on Sunday, January 11, 2015 by writer Mandy Lee Catron for their Modern Love column. Catron tells her own story of using some of Dr. Aron's findings on her own behalf to see if she and a university acquaintance from rock climbing could fall in love. Instead of a lab, they met at a bar and later on a bridge. She tried applying some of Aron's findings. If love is an intense desire to form and maintain a close relationship with another person, then some of the building blocks are kinds of communication that create intimacy, connectedness, commitment, loyalty, willingness to be with that other person and least central, but still part of it, are passion and intensity.

The New York Times writer and her acquaintance used the 36 questions that Aron developed to help build connection. They can be used for bringing you and your partner closer together. You can also adapt them to use in other close relationships. It should take only about 45 minutes. Here are the questions, which should be done in this prescribed order, alternating between the two people:

1.Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4.What would constitute a perfect day for you?

5.When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to age 90 and retain either the mind or the body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things that you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel the most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about how you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are living now? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five times each.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

25. Make three true "we" statements each. For example, "we are both in this room feeling..."

26. Complete this sentence "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."

27. If you were ever to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them:be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone that you've just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of someone else/by yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32.What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

34.Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find the most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it? Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem.

Here are a couple variations:

If you could chose the sex and physical appearance of your soon-to be-born child, would you do it?

Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares for a year if you would be rewarded with extraordinary wealth?

While on a trip to another city, your spouse/partner spends a night with an exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and could never otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to learn about it?

These questions remind me of some of the things I try to develop between couples I see in couples counseling: openness, vulnerability, self-disclosure, expressiveness of emotion, being generous with specific compliments, listening, joining, sharing hopes and dreams, and communicating about fears, values and needs. Have some fun with engaging with your partner if you want to deepen your connection.

And what happened to the New York Times columnist Mandy Lee Catron who embarked on these questions with her friend from rock climbing? They fell in love. Dr. Aron would be so happy, but not surprised.

Preparing for the Emotional Shift of Retirement

Depending on how you feel about your work, moving towards retirement can feel like a loss. It's certainly a big transition for most people, and especially so if you liked your work and enjoyed the people you worked with. It's important to consider what you will be retiring to do in the years ahead. I've heard it suggested that we should REFIRE rather than retire.

I'm working in life coaching with people who are coming up on the retirement transition, and planning for their next chapter of life. Here are some factors you may want to consider when you begin planning yours:

1. Figure out how you are going to stay active and keep moving. We know people age better if they keep active, so figuring out how you can safely get your 10,000 steps a day is key. Can you walk where you live? Swim? Go to a gym or exercise class regularly?

2. How are you going to contribute to others? Can you continue some volunteer work you have done earlier in your life? Do you have some ideas about how you could help a cause you care about, like seniors, animals, the environment, people with disabilities, children and youth, church, politics, hospitals, or something else? If you are not sure and need ideas, google your local volunteer center. In Orange County, California, where I have my counseling practice, we have a great organization called One OC that has a job bank for both board positions and direct service volunteer positions from non-profits all across the county (www.oneoc.org).

Think about whether you want to use the same skills you've used at work, or have a chance to do something different. Would you like to work on projects alone and independently, or work with people? Volunteer work is a source of meaning and contribution. It's also a great venue for making new friends with great people with whom you share some common values with.

3. Keep learning new things. Upgrade your computer skills, take a class at the community college, look for opportunities with your local city community services, work crossword puzzles and otherwise challenge your brain to stay engaged. I like to encourage being a lifelong learner, so look for activities that will keep you learning and thinking. Would you like to join a film society, book club, or check your local university for continuing learning opportunities for seniors? Many retirees find new groups to learn with or do activities with on meetup.com. In Orange County, Cal State University, Fullerton has the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute (OLLI) with wonderful classes for retired and almost retired adults. You can contact them by phone or email, (olli-info@fullerton.edu, or 657-278-24460).

4. Keep up your people contact daily. Don't get isolated. Figure out how you can set a goal of being in contact with four or more people each day for maximum wellness. In the 1980's, the California Department of Mental Health did a campaign called, "Friends Can Be Good Medicine" about the mental and physical health benefits to being in relationships with others. It's still true. Put it into practice in your retirement, when you will need to reach out more to others than you did before.

5. Consider working part-time or reducing your hours gradually to ease the transition.

6. Consciously add new friends to your group.

7. Make sure to do at least an outing every day. Don't become a recluse.

8. If you are married or partnered, you will need time together, but you will be happier if you maintain some separate activities. You may be retired, but you still need some autonomy and different interests to keep things fresh. You don't want to suffocate each other. I've heard this called "retired to have dinner together, but not always lunch". You will have more to share with each other if you each pursue some of your own things. Everyone needs a separate sense of self.

9. If you are already, or become a grandparent during your retirement, that's another incredible opportunity for reaching out, transcending self, and creating meaning. Wouldn't it be meaningful to make the grandparenting role an important one? You may have skills to teach or be more available or patient than the children's parents who are at a busy stage in their lives. Making positive memories with your grandchildren is an incredible legacy. I know my girls will never forget Gram teaching them to make homemade pasta and bake pies, or Gramps teaching them to drive and garden.

10. Cultivate flexibility. There are losses that occur as we age, with our own aging process and with our partners. Try to develop an ability to adjust gracefully when it's time, knowing that the changes will continue.

If you begin thinking creatively, your retirement years could be some of your very best ones. People are living longer, so recreating your life after the working years is a whole new chapter to choreograph and build health, connection, learning and contribution. Now that's a life well lived. Let's think not just about retiring from, but retiring to.

Try to See It My Way: Building Empathy

I can spot couples who are going to make good progress in couples counseling often from the first meeting. They practice, or are willing to learn several very valuable things. Each recognizes that their point of view is not the only one, and they can put themselves in their partner's position and empathize with how they might be feeling. In addition, each partner can apologize, change their behavior and make repairs as they are needed.

In any relationship, one person is not 'right' all the time. (Even you, sorry!)

Both people need to be able to apologize and ask for forgiveness when it is needed. Healing can only occur when those hurts are talked through. I've seen incredible healing happen in my counseling office between partners and family members when this happens in a way that feels genuine and heartfelt.

One-way relationships build resentment, whether between romantic partners, in a friendship, or between an adult child and parent. The healthiest relationships are reciprocal with thoughtfulness, care and loving behaviors. Relationships get out of balance and are draining when one person is always the giver.

There are often two different perspectives on most situations couples and families disagree about. What matters the most to me is finding a mature, calm and respectful way to talk through differences. (No tantrums, bullying, threats, withholding, name-calling, pouting, etc.)

Understanding the other person's perspective takes stopping to listen attentively from the heart. It takes being brave enough not to shut down or get defensive. Active listening helps a great deal, where you put in your own words what you heard the other person say, without editorializing. For example, "When I was late, you felt hurt and disrespected, and next time you'd like me to be on time."

Traveling to other states and countries always reminds me that the little corner of the universe where I live is just that. There are lots of other places, traditions, cultures and lifestyles. In a similar way, the other people we are in close relationships with have their own feelings, perceptions and needs. They have their own temperament and experiences.The less egocentric we can become about being 'right', and understanding that their are several truths in many situations, the healthier our relationships can become. It also helps as feedback so that we can grow emotionally, by understanding how our behavior is perceived by others.

Try to see it my way? Yes, and let's try a bit harder to see it the other person's way as well. Sometimes there are two rights, and understanding and mutual respect is often more important in relationships than winning.

The Connecting Power Of Touch

Loving touch comforts and heals. Many seniors who live alone or in residential settings can go long periods of time without being hugged or touched. Children are happier with generous amounts of it. Couples can't thrive without it. Even our pets crave it. We never outgrow our need for it.

Ashley Montagu was a British anthropologist who wrote a book about the importance of touch. Skin to skin contact is essential for optimal happiness and well-being. Here are some of the things we know from studies about touch:

1. We feel more connected to someone if they touch us.

2.We can communicate many different emotions through touch.

3.The situation, or context for the touch modifies the meaning of it. Does it occur at a bar? With friends? At home?

4.Touch is an essential channel of communication between parents and children.

5. A mother's touch deepens the attachment between mother and child.

6. Even babies like to be touched.  The University of Miami's School of Medicine studied infants, and demonstrated that babies who are massaged by parents sleep better, are less irritable, are more social with other babies, and preemies even grow better when lovingly touched.

7. Generally, we are touched more often when we are little. However, we all need positive touch.
Sometimes when counseling young couples with small children, I find they both touch the babies or children, but the adults may forget (or are too tired) to remember to touch each other.

8.Touch is learned. It varies by culture. I have several young couples in premarital counseling where the differences in how each family uses touch is causing some discomfort and is having to be negotiated. You can also talk with your partner and teach each other how you like to be touched. I like couples to be intentional with each other, and kiss and hug goodbye and hello when they part in the morning and when they reconnect at the end of their day.

9.Touch has reciprocal benefits for both people, the person who is doing the touching, as well as the person being touched. Studies of stress hormones before and after massages confirm the benefit for giver and receiver.

10. Children usually respond beautifully to a little massage of their arms, backs ,
and/or legs before bedtime. It tends to help them transition to sleep better. I encourage parents to consider adding some loving touch into the bedtime routine with babies and children. I often recommend increased loving parent-child touch with anxious children.

11. Touch fosters and communicates intimacy in romantic relationships. I often notice the distance at which couples sit from each other on the couch in my counseling office and whether or not they touch each other during the counseling session.  It gives me a little window in to how they probably treat each other at home.

12. Inappropriate touch is threatening, and touch that feels too personal from strangers can scare people. Generally from the shoulder to the hand would be a less threatening location to touch someone you are not close to.

13.The gender of the sender and receiver of the touch also modify the way the touch is interpreted.

14. At work, a handshake is the best choice for touch. Honoring boundaries and personal space at work is key to being professional, as well as avoiding sexual harassment concerns.

15. In certain situations, like when someone is grieving, or celebrating wonderful news with you,
touch may be better than any words you could find to express support.

How many times have you been touched this week? Have you reached out to connect with loved ones recently with  hugs, and other ways to touch to comfort, connect or reassure? Have you talked with those you are closest to about how they feel about touch? Do you know a child or a senior who might need your loving touch? Think of touch as another tool for connecting you to the people you love, on a skin to skin, visceral level.

Do You Speak Love Languages?

Some books you read and never think about ever again. Some books you remember. Gary Chapman's classic book about relationships, "The Five Love Languages", is the second type. Chapman's book was published years ago now, but it has a simple but elegant idea which I still draw from when I'm coaching clients about improving and strengthening their relationships.

With couples, it is so important to understand the differences between the two of you and to grow to appreciate and work with them. Often people assume that their partner thinks, feels, or needs what they do. Surprise! They probably don't. You need to ask. This is a simple but incredibly important concept, that you need to love people you love in the way they can best receive it, not in the way that you like to give or receive it.

The concept of love languages is useful not just in couples relationships, but also in parent-child relationships, and other close family and friend relationships. It's an easy and fun conversation to start with someone you care about. How do you like to be shown that I love and care about you? Here's what I prefer from you.

Here are the five love languages:

1.Words of affirmation- verbal or written feedback about your significance to the other person. This could include encouragement, praise, compliments, and kind words that build the other person up. The words say, "I see you. I care about you. I appreciate you I value you. I cherish you".

2.Quality time spent together- this should be time spent giving that person your complete and undivided attention. Minimize all distractions. The attention should be individualized, perhaps doing something together you both enjoy. Make eye contact. Put away your cell phone, ipad, computer, or book. Focus on being completely present. Do active listening, where you ask questions to understand more deeply.

3.Gifts-they don't have to be expensive. It's more the idea that you thought about the other person. It could be as small as leaving your partner a pack of gum or chocolate they love, or bringing them a flower. For people who have this as their love language, anniversary and birthday gifts hold great meaning, and unexpected gifts on regular days really makes them melt.

4.Acts of service- some people like to be shown that their partner loves them by having them do a loving action. It could be filling your car with gas, or cleaning the house, or pruning the roses, or doing something kind for your aging parent. These are thoughtful acts that put love into action.

4.Physical touch- For optimal emotional and physical health and well-being,  each of us need to be touched and hugged in a loving way multiple times per day. Your children need it, and the adults that are close to you usually want it. To some people it is the most important way to be close and make them feel loved and needed.

Which language is your preferred way to receive love? This might be a fun conversation to have this week with someone you love. Whether it's your partner, your child, your parent, or a dear friend that you cherish, it always feels good to have someone take the time to find out what your currency is. Chapman's book gives lots of examples from relationships and is a fast and useful read.

Two Secrets of Great Relationships: Listen and Reveal

With Valentine's Day coming up this week, there are people scrambling for gift ideas: jewelry, perfume, dinner someplace special, and cards that are loving, funny or flirty. After several powerful hours spent this week with couples I am seeing for emotionally-focused couples counseling, I've been thinking that there are two most significant gifts you can give in a relationship.  They are actually free. They are listening effectively and well to the other person, and speaking up with your partner to reveal more about yourself, your emotions and interior life.

We often don't get trained growing up to listen very well. I find that many people may pause or stop speaking, but they are not actively listening from the heart. Try to remember: who are the people in your life who have REALLY listened from the heart? They will stand out. Did you have a parent who really listened? Were your parents too busy with work or their own problems?

Even if you've never had someone who really listened in your life, it's a learnable skill. You can be the first in your family or in your relationship.

It's important to do some self reflection about yourself as a listener. Do you make eye contact with your partner when they are speaking with you? Can you put away distractions? Do you interrupt? Do you ask questions to more deeply understand something the other person is expressing to you? Do you summarize what they have expressed to make certain that you understand? Can you be honest if you do not have time to listen and ask to meet up again later so that you can listen more completely?

Here are the keys to being an exceptional listener:

1. Stay calm. Don't get defensive or cross-complain. Try not to overreact or take it personally.

2. Ask questions to deepen your understanding. Develop a curiosity about the other person. You don't know it all about your partner, and you never will. That's what keeps things fresh and interesting.

3. Remind yourself to stay open, and not get upset. This way you can support your partner in sharing more with you. They will shut down if you get reactive.

4. Express empathy. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Imagine how they might be feeling about what they are expressing. Respond with what makes sense about how they may be feeling. You can hold on to you and still empathize with their feelings. It will help your partner relax with you to know that you empathize with them. They will feel more partnered and less alone.

5. Recap. As accurately as you can (without any spin), restate in your own words what your partner has shared with you. Ask if you have understood correctly. Ask if they wish to tell you more.

Doesn't being listened to this way by someone you love sound like it would feel wonderful? It does! I have seen couples visibly soften with each other, feel closer, and be moved to tears with this kind of listening.

The other key relationship building skill is learning to initiate conversations----even difficult ones---- and reveal one's self. What's the best way to do that?

1. Ask your partner for a time to talk. Ask them to be your active listener (as above). Make sure your partner is engaged and ready.

2. Pick one, and only one, topic to focus on. Describe what you want.

3. Share your thoughts and your feelings. Go for the vulnerable feelings underneath, such as sadness, loneliness, rejection, hurt, guilt, etc.

4. Avoid accusing, name calling and blaming. That will shut your partner down or make it nearly impossible for them not to get defensive. Focus on your own part.

5. Be open to learning more about yourself. See what you can learn about how you react, feel, and process experiences.

Having great relationships isn't just about finding the right person or buying them the best gifts.Truly great love relationships are where you challenge yourself to grow emotionally, listen  more deeply from the heart ,and learn to speak up and reveal more of yourself in ways that allow your partner to get closer. Understanding someone you love and their vulnerabilities, and having them understand you is about the best gift I know of.

Why It's Uncool To Freeze People Out

Have you ever had somebody get upset or angry with you and stop speaking to you?  I notice that it happens frequently, with my patients reporting how painful it is to be on the receiving end of the Big Chill. It can happen with not only children, but with full grown and educated adults.

Putting loved ones in the chill box and shutting down and not responding to them is highly unskilled and emotionally primitive behavior. It doesn't look good on a small child, but this poor coping strategy looks even worse on adults.

If you recognize this pattern in yourself, it's time to do some self-reflection. Where and when did you learn this passive aggressive pattern of behavior? It can actually feel worse to your loved one than punching them. Your behavior is actively making the relationship less safe for the other person. It's a power grab of sorts, in an unfair and childlike delivery.

Is this how you watched the adults in your family solve differences or work through competing needs?

Who did you go to when you were upset as a young person growing up? Was there anyone safe who would listen compassionately, or did you learn to stuff your upset feelings inside and get your retaliation by refusing to speak to others?

Perhaps now is the time to update your skill level if you notice that you have this tendency to punish others by not speaking. Emotionally mature people use words to express if they feel angry, hurt, or mad and need a little time out to cool themselves down before talking things through.

It's perfectly okay to be upset, hurt, or angry. In relationships with another person, you won't always get your needs met. You are not always more important than the other person. You won't always get your own way. Dealing with disappointment and frustration are two things we all need to get good at. It's part of our human experience.

The next time you have the urge to pout, sulk, or freeze your loved one out by not speaking to them, think again. Choose a better, more grown up path. Your relationship can only be as close and secure as you and the other person cab build it. Don't dismantle what you are building because you are reverting back to childish tactics. You deserve better, and so does the other person in the relationship with you. Develop some new strategies. The deep freeze may be a good place for ice cream, but it's a bad place to put your most valuable relationships.

What If Your Partner Doesn't Meet All Your Needs?

Contrary to  the movies, popular culture and the Bachelor/Bachelorette TV franchise, having a happy life requires more than a loving relationship with a partner. Putting all your relationship eggs in one basket may put too many expectations and too much pressure on your love relationship.

I like the Buddhist saying, "before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water; after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water." The same is true about life before and after finding a life partner. Both before and after, we need friends, hobbies and passions, interests of our own, work that is meaningful, an exercise and self-care plan, a spiritual life, and the ability to spend some time alone.

When people are dating, they often are looking for someone who will make them happy and fulfilled. When people fall in love, their world often revolves around the beloved for some time. At some point, a few months or a year or two into the relationship, most people realize that they will suffocate each other if they don't also balance the couples time with time with other friends and activities. The truth is that even happy couples don't stay perpetually "in love." Over the course of a long-term relationship, couples often go through phases of feeling "in love" and not. That's normal.

Happy people realize that being in love or happily partnered doesn't mean to demand or extract your happiness from that other person. You are still responsible for your own happiness, sense of purpose,  developing yourself, and keeping connected to healthy friends. As it turns out, some separate activities and interests can keep things interesting. (Think Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, who were happily married despite his passion for car racing, and her love for ballet. They were happily married over 50 years before Newman's death.)

Maybe happily ever after looks more multi-faceted than we were led to believe. Readjusting expectations of marriage and couples' relationships is healthy. Developing a healthy, sustainable love relationship is just a part of the bigger picture of building a happier life.

Making Repairs

I really liked Ben Affleck's acceptance speech at the Academy Awards ceremony this February. In accepting the Oscar for best picture, he acknowledged and thanked his wife, actress Jennifer Garner. He told her that while their relationship has taken a lot of hard work, there is no one he'd rather work with. Truly great, committed relationships do take continued awareness about yourself, the other person, how you treat each other, and how you can repair things if they go off track.

Great relationships are a little like great houses. You can't buy a beautiful house with a terrific yard, move in, and not repair or fix anything for 5, 10, 20 or more years and expect to have anything of value. Both houses and relationships take regular attention, care, and repairs when things aren't working.

All couples are going to disagree at times. What matters most is being able to repair the problem. It helps to stay solution-focused. Avoid blame. Describe what you observed, as neutrally as possible, and explain what would work better for you next time. Apologize for any ways in which your behavior, thoughtlessness, or reaction made the situation worse. Ask what you could do differently when a similar situation arises again. (It probably will; most couples have patterns). This should help your partner be less defensive with you, too.

Both people in a relationship need to share responsibility for making repairs. I don't like to see the responsibility always resting with one partner, while the other one stubbornly refuses to ever take initiative for a repair. That's not fair, and it will eventually burn out your partner and breed resentment.

I also consider it a danger sign when couples don't speak to each other for days when they have had a fight. This 'deep freeze' is often very painful for one or both partners, and is actually a very wounding and passive-aggressive behavior. It's perfectly okay to cool down when angry, decide you will meet up and talk it through a bit later, but a day or more of not speaking is a really bad idea.

Try to avoid black and white or extreme thinking when there is conflict between you and the other person. While it is sometimes necessary to cut-off or end a relationship that is toxic or dangerous to you, most healthy relationships do have conflicts from time to time. It's not generally helpful to threaten to leave or end the relationship every time you hit a speed bump. The conflicts, if worked through in a respectful way, can actually deepen your connection and understanding of each other.

Choosing a wonderful house to live in, or a terrific partner to share your life with, is a great start. The happily ever after part often depends on different skills, which definitely include attention, care, maintenance, and regular repairs as needed. Think of it as protecting your investment.

Home for the Holidays? Take Your Grown-Up Self with You!

It's been said that it takes quite a bit of skill and internal strength to individuate— to be close to others but also hold onto to your uniqueness. Some people are given the emotional freedom in their families growing up to develop their unique self without threatening the family set-point. Other people never got that freedom growing up, and are in a quandary about how to walk this balance in adult relationships. If you didn't get support for developing your unique self growing up, you may feel defensive about protecting yourself and needing to be secretive.

Great intimacy requires separateness. In couples, part of keeping the magic and desire is realizing you never fully know or own the other person. We need to be able to flow between attachment and separateness. Both are essential.
 
In parenting, we aren't really forming the child's self; it's more like we need to watch for who we have been sent and how we can help each child develop their unique strengths and interests. Children come through us, not of us, as philosopher Kahlil Gibran wrote.

Assuming other people want and need exactly what you do is a problem. More evolved people can tolerate spaces in togetherness, and embrace differences, within families, with friends, and in intimate relationships.

How do we differentiate? How can we become more individuated in a healthy way? How can we manage all the togetherness and stress at the holidays and stay connected and grounded?

Say what you want, like, and feel, without apology.

Watch your timing, being aware of when it is better to refrain from speaking.

Drop the defensiveness.

Have boundaries and a bottom line.

Listen to others.

Ask questions, and listen to the responses.

Stop criticizing others.

Give others respect and love.
 
Realize you can say "no."

Keep growing—challenge yourself all to learn new skills, meet new people, and try new things.

Give up judging others or seeking approval from them as much as possible.

Our sense of self is perpetually under construction. We should continue to develop ourselves throughout our lives.
 
Many people feel pretty individuated until the holidays come and they spend time with their extended family. Even Murray Bowen, one of the founders of family therapy, wrote a biographical essay about the challenges for his own sense of self in going home again for the holidays. Bowen, despite coining the term individuation, could feel the pull of his parents and family roles when he went home to visit. Going home made him feel like a child, but not in a good way.
 
As the holiday season is here, and we make plans to spend time with extended family, let's practice these healthy habits of accepting the differences between ourselves and others. You're probably not going to change any of your siblings, parents, or adult children during the holiday visit. Practice acceptance where you can, attach and join in when you are able, and move towards healthy self-care and individuation where and when possible.

It's easy to get overwhelmed with other people's agendas if you are surrounded by family for a big block of time. Take back some control by creating a little time alone to be by yourself. You can go for a walk or to the gym, journal, go outside, or take a drive. A bit of time to do self-care and get grounded may help put both your needs and the family needs in perspective.
 
Here's wishing my readers a happy, healthy holiday season and lots of differentiation of self and growth in the new year.

Stop Expecting Mind-Reading

When we are young and idealize falling in love, many of us imagined a perfect partner who reads our mind and intuits our needs and wants. Later, the mature person of any age begins to realize that if you are going to have any success in relationships with other people, that's really NOT a healthy or realistic expectation to have. We need to grow up emotionally and make an internal shift on this point.

In emotionally healthy adult relationships, each person needs to be able to reflect and sort out what they are feeling, and what they want to request of the other people in their life. Nobody is ever going to read your mind telepathically and deliver your unstated needs to you by UPS. It doesn't work like that. The sooner you can learn to reduce your expectations of others in this area, the happier you can become. You need to voice your own needs, as well as listen to those of the people who matter to you.

Even the right sensitive, caring partner is not feeling exactly what you are feeling, or understanding the nuances of what you need unless you express it. Sometimes in couples counseling, I find one partner with distorted or "magical" thinking about this, and holding onto childhood fantasies that their perfect partner will know them without any effort on their part. Sorry, but I can pretty much guarantee you that isn't going to happen.

I sometimes find it helpful to think about it being our individual job to identify what we are feeling, and teach others how we want to be loved. We are each different, and you may have a very different love language from your partners'. Neither of you is wrong, but as you accept and learn about the differences between you and your partner----in terms of childhood experiences, unmet needs, unique feelings, and expressed desires---you can actually grow much closer.

As it turns out, assumptions are dangerous in relationships are quite dangerous. For example, here are a few bad ones:

1.      I don't have to tell my partner what I need. They should know. ( A set-up for much disappointment.)

2.      I know everything about my partner. (Watch out! This one could come back to bite you. An attitude of openness and curiosity is actually much more helpful. People change all their lives, hopefully, as we keep living, learning, and evolving.)

3.      My happiness is totally dependent on somebody else making me happy. (Wait! Where's your responsibility for bringing some happiness and sharing it with your partner?)

4.      My partner should always be the one to court me, or reach out to me. (Actually, everyone likes to feel that your partner initiates time and positive contact with you. This shouldn't be one directional.)

Let's put that myth to rest that an ideal, mythical partner will read your mind, understand your feelings without any effort on your part, and meet all your needs. The good news is that you will be a better person and a better role model for your children if you are a grown-up who takes grown-up sized responsibility for sorting out your own upset feelings and asserting yourself in a healthy, appropriate way. That's the grown-up adaptation of that childhood wish, well resolved.

Getting Outside Yourself

One of the qualities I like best in people is the ability to transcend yourself and shift perspective to see a situation, a relationship, or a problem from another person's perspective. This is a sign for me of a person's emotional maturity, and spiritual growth. None of us is the center point of the universe, and if we recognize that, we can make great strides in increasing our understanding of ourselves and other people.

When I am counseling couples, I find it a hopeful sign when both partners see that there are often several right ways to approach most things.There are also two perspectives on most relationship conflicts.When you realize you are not always right, and the other person is not always wrong, you can begin to solve problems. Often, we think the way things were handled in our family growing up (like the distribution of chores for example) is the only way to do it. Guess what? Your partner was raised in a DIFFERENT family, and they probably think that the way things were handled in their family of origin is the best way. The real answer is that you will need to compromise, negotiate, and find a new way to deal with daily life decisions that works for the two of you as a unique couple.

I am reminded of a terrific line from the spiritual teachings of the Course in Miracles, which says, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"  Holding on firmly to the false belief that you are always right creates disharmony and doesn't allow you to truly be in intimate relationships, which require humility and vulnerability, and less ego and self-righteousness. We have much to gain from being curious about how things look from other people's perspectives.

My counseling practice is in Newport Beach, California.While Orange County is not really much like the Bravo show 'The Real Housewives of Orange County,' there are many children and teens I have worked with over the past 20 years who are fortunate to have grown up with many advantages. As a parent myself, and as a family therapist, I find it incredibly important to help our sons and daughters grow up with some perspective on the people all around us living in hardship. My own daughters, and many of my teenage patients, learned to see the world differently through volunteering with at risk families and youth. When we think about learning to shift perspectives, time well spent at a food pantry, homeless shelter, or as a direct service volunteer with children or seniors in tough situations is more impactful than any words a parent can say.

I am also overwhelmed at times by some of my wonderful adult patients who are grieving a loss; a death, a break-up, a job loss, recovering from childhood abuse, etc., but decide at some point in their grief process to reach out to help others in some way. I am struck by how it helps them grow stronger and heal. Maybe it has something to do with realizing you still have something to give. It also means that you see that there are always people in better and worse circumstances than you. Talk about transcending self! It makes me think of Mother Teresa's insight that we don't need to do great things, but, rather, small things with great love.

This week, I challenge you to ask yourself if there is another way to see it when you have a conflict with someone who matters to you. Just like in viewing an optical illusion, your perspective really matters. Don't make assumptions. Be curious about how things look from the other person's perspective. Stay aware that sometimes there are several right ways to do things. Ask and listen to how a situation looks to the other person. You can do this. Learning to shift your perspective will help you grow and mature along your own life journey.

Staying Power: I Won't Give Up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1-4u9W-bns

Recently I heard a beautiful new song by singer/songwriter Jason Mraz called"I Won't Give Up."

It has a very pretty melody, but I especially liked the message of the lyrics. It always amazes me how music can go places and reach us in ways that words alone often can't.

Years ago, when I was working with cancer patients and doing hospice counseling, I had the honor of getting to work with an interdisciplinary team from the hospital that included a very gifted music therapist. She would play favorite songs or hymns for our mutual patients on the oncology floor at the hospital, or on our home visits with patients who were on hospice at the very end of their lives. Incredible things happened. Sometimes a patient who was relatively withdrawn or unresponsive would brighten and remember favorite songs from the past. They might even sing the lyrics from memory. Music can really impact each of us in powerful and healing ways.

At times, music can express emotional states and experiences, and capture them for us. With Mraz's new song, I felt moved by his message. "I Won't Give Up" is a powerful statement of resiliency, faith, and hope. When I am working at counseling couples, I am often struck by how much we need to dig deep and really try to learn and grow in intimate relationships.

It may seem easier to give up when we realize key differences between ourself and the other person, but the easiest choice isn't always our best path for growing into a stronger, more flexible, more loving person. Holding onto the resolve to choose to stay and grow can be a powerful life decision. If we give up easily, we avoid growth. Couples therapist and researcher John Gottman talks about each couple having a few perpetual, unresolvable issues. What matters is learning to dialogue about them with love and respect. Guess what happens if you trade in your partner and get a new one? Answer: You get a whole new set of perpetual,unsolvable issues you will come to identify within a couple of years. Grow now, or grow later. It's your choice.

There are situations where committed relationships should end. If your partner is abusive, refusing to deal with their addictive/chemically dependent behavior, or putting you and your children at risk with their dangerous behavior, you must act. You must give up to protect yourself and any children in such circumstances.

In many committed relationships, however, I encourage couples to dig deep and stay close through challenges. Mraz's song talks of hanging in there even if the"skies are dark." His lyrics also reference understanding differences with your partner, appreciating and accepting them. Mraz notes the value of learning to be flexible, and understanding how being a better, less rigid partner will help you grow personally. I often am struck by how powerful it is to help couples see that there are usually two correct (and different) perspectives on whatever issue they are stuck on. File this under,"Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"

It occurs to me also with our children and teenagers, it is helpful to cultivate this "I Won't Give Up" mindset, even if they are going through a particularly difficult phase where they are acting out, rude, defiant, depressed, angry, etc. Keep on providing the calm, loving presence and set those limits. Get professional help. Find someone who can test and guide them if they are having learning issues. Find a good family therapist to help if the relationship between parent and child is breaking down. Work through it until you get to the other side. You will be glad you did for the rest of your life.

Even in thinking about individuals, this need to never lose hope is relevant. We may go through very difficult or disheartening experiences, but it is important to assess the impact, do extreme self care, and begin again. Some very challenging life experiences teach us, grow us, and tenderize us. I call it the Appreciation School of Life, because when better things happen later in life, you profoundly appreciate it. Don't give up on yourself.

I guess, upon reflection, I like Jason Mraz's new song so much because as a therapist, I feel much of what I spend my life working with people on is really, at the core, about resiliency and hope. Learning to grow from the losses and challenges in life is essential. Holding onto hope for rebuilding or strengthening your relationship, believing in yourself to go on, and not giving up on your children all have something in common. It all takes the ability to hang in there, and being open to learning and growing along the journey of your life. I wouldn't trade this work for any other work I can think of. It feels like a privilege to help people recapture their strength, hope, and ability to do better as they know more. Nice job, Jason.

Think Before Texting

As technology advances, people have to figure out the new rules for using it. In movie theatres, restaurants, and public places, it can be annoying and rude to have people loudly talking away on cell phones about trivia, or other personal things. We are having to adjust to a new level of awareness about how and where to have conversations and send text messages. We each need to think through how our behaviors impact our relationships and even the strangers around us. Just because we can be reached at any moment doesn't mean it's a good idea. We need to set some limits. We need to know when to turn the technology off, and be what I call "fully available now."

This week, I have had people share their hurt about having to ask their parent, child, or partner to put away their phone during a meal and be present. This is not an advance for our society. How do we sort through the useful purposes of texting, for example, but limit the damage being done using it?

When is texting helpful as a means of communicating? It's a great parenting resource for staying in touch with your teen or tween when they are out doing something with friends, or a beginning driver. They can text you when they leave, and when they arrive. You can ask them to keep their phone on so that you can reach them if needed. You can ask them to text you if they want to change locations, say from one friend's house to another's.

Text messaging can be a useful way to send a brief fact, for example, the time of a meeting, or the fact that you will be 5 minutes late. Many of my teen and busy adult patients find it easier and more convenient to text or e-mail me to set up appointments. Sending a text could be a sweet way to stay positively connected to another person, as in wishing them well on a speech, presentation, big meeting, or test. It could be a loving text that lets your partner or child know you are thinking of them, or love them. Consider whether a live phone call could be even better at times.

When is texting a bad idea? Having a fight or disagreement by text is a horrible idea. This mode of disagreeing is filled with pitfalls. The other person won't be able to tell your tone. They can't read your facial expressions or body language. Ninety percent of what we pick up from another person comes through tone of voice, body and facial expression. Only ten percent of our information about a message is gotten from the content of what someone communicates to you. Plus, do you really want someone you care about to have a lasting written record of something you typed quickly in anger without thinking it through? This can be very hurtful, and a little like using a submachine gun when a much smaller weapon will do. Save disagreements for face-to face discussion, where you will get the nuances, have fewer potential misfirings in your communication, and be able to repair things. Something about the speed and ease of firing off an angry text message frees people to get meaner than they ever would in person. Once written and sent, you can't take it back.

There are also some kinds of bad news that should never be communicated by text message. More care and humanity is needed than is possible in a text message if you are breaking off a relationship, ending a friendship, firing someone, or delivering news about a death, illness, or other serious topic. Text messages work better for brief facts, sharing encouragement or a quick text of connection. No bombshells, please. You don't know when and where the other person will be when they get a bad news text, so try never to send one. It's not the right vehicle.

When I teach couples safe ways to really work out disagreements, I ask them to argue or discuss things that matter by appointment with each other. Timing matters. If your partner asks you to have a difficult conversation, you can put away your phone, ipad, laptop, turn off the tv, and consciously decide to be"fully available now." It feels wonderful to be heard in this way, free of distractions.

Some years back, on a trip to New York city, I watched as a beautiful moment between a father and son got ruined by a cell phone. The father and small boy were in a little boat in the lake at Central Park, and the boy was fascinated by some baby ducklings and tried to engage his dad, who was completely focused on his cell phone call. Moment missed.

It seems to me that we need some no texting zones. Not just movie theatres, but at the dinner table, in the bedroom, on family outings, date nights, at church, plays, while driving, and more. Being intentionally present and not distracted is a gift we can give ourselves and those we care about. We can teach our children and teens about these new gray areas of communication, and engage them in the dialogue about what kind of commmunication medium is best for what. (For example, don't ask your best girl to prom or break up with your boyfriend by text.)

Do we need new rules for texting? I think so. Texting can be another resource for parenting, connecting, or scheduling, or it can be a distracting, destructive force. The choice is ours!

Hello,Goodbye, and other Connecting Points

Connecting points are rituals of connection with the people you are closest to. They are touch points in your day and your week that make both you and the other person feel valued, important, and special. These actions make you feel like you belong. We need connecting points with all the special people in our lives: our partner, our children, our parents, and dear friends.

Couples need connecting points that include a kiss and a hug when you say goodbye for the day.

When one of you re-enters the home that evening, it is good relationship form to have the returning partner track down the partner at home for a hug and kiss hello. Even if they are cooking dinner, are on their laptop, or with the kids. The message is: everything else can wait for a minute. You are incredibly important to me. I am glad you are home.

Couples also need connection on a physical level on a regular basis, including holding hands and cuddling. Standing appointments with each other for a weekly date night also help re-romanticize the relationship. All week long you can both look forward to it. You wouldn't believe the number of good men I've seen in individual counseling over the years who are sensitive to the fact that their once affectionate partner never reaches out anymore.Be sure to kiss your partner good night, and tell them you love them often. Live without regret!

Rituals of connection are also bonding with your children and as a family. Have dinner around your kitchen or dining room table as often as you can. Share a prayer, and/or the best part of each person's day. Teens may protest, but they actually like it if you are serving food they like. Make Sunday dinner a big deal. I know someone in his 40's who still remembers the warmth of Sunday family dinners at his grandmother's house. Consider a game night, a pizza and a DVD night, or other great ideas the kids may have. Make it fun to be a part of your unique family. Create holiday traditions. Worship together. Read aloud together. I can still remember fondly my Dad reading to my sister and I. Bedtimes and tucking in time are terrific opportunities for end of the day connecting. Tell your children you love them. Hug them liberally and frequently.

Once you're on your own, and as parents age, create rituals of connection with your parents. They will look forward to a standing phone call, lunch, or dinner, and so will you. They won't always be there to enjoy. Get them talking about their life, their childhood, when they met their partner. Sharing happy memories about your aging parents' travel, work, relationships and life is wonderful for both of you. It's your family history, too! Make sure you tell them you love them. Many older seniors who are widowed don't get touched much, so be sure to connect with them with a hug. It might be the only touch they've had for a while, and touch is good for mental wellness.

Being intentional and conscious about staying connected to those you care about most is important. It's also some of the sweetest stuff in life. Make sure you don't miss out! Choose to be connected, rather than disconnected, from those you love. It will make your life much more meaningful.

Strong Enough To Be Vulnerable

Writer Louise Hay, the godmother of affirmations, wrote this one about vulnerability that I love:

"It is healing for me to show emotions. It is safe for me to be vulnerable."

One of the most beautiful things about people to me is when they have been through loss or difficulty, but it has not broken them. Life's challenges can break you open instead. It's been said that when your heart breaks, that's where the light can get in. I admire tremendously when people cultivate both their strength and vulnerability. It's an unstoppable combination of traits which will serve as a standard for others.

It takes a strong person to be honest about who you truly are, and what you are needing in your closest relationships. Many people do intimacy dances where they hide parts of themselves, and are fearful to really be known by the intimate other, or let the other person see your fears, hurts from childhood wounds, or your biggest hopes and dreams for your life and for the relationship.

I find people can't act forever. In your closest relationships, one will begin to resent and detach from the other person if you aren't brave about talking through your needs, your hopes, and your hurts, and listening from the heart to your partner's side on each of these concerns.

In relationships, we are always in motion, either getting closer, or drifting further away. It takes a brave and vulnerable individual to talk with your partner honestly about what is working well, and where you would like to do things differently with each other. Many people are starving emotionally in their relationship, and you can begin to correct the trajectory by talking about what you need and want, not in anger, but with love and vulnerability.

Being strong with your children may mean being a responsible parent who provides structure, consistency and predictability. (Think paying the bills, serving dinner at 6, helping them with homework, having household rules). Being vulnerable may mean being willing to apologize freely from the heart when you overreact or misstep. Sorry,but nobody's perfect, parents included. Being vulnerable might be hugging, tucking in, making plans to hang out together, or letting them know when you feel close to them, or what they mean to you. You can't imagine the number of adults I've seen in therapy over the last 20 years who never felt like they got the love, attention, tenderness, or approval from their parents that they needed. Good news! You can break the cycle and give your children that emotional tenderness they are needing. Start today by telling them, or writing them a personal letter about what they mean to you.

Remind yourself this week, by repeating Louise Hay's insightful affirmation to yourself ten times a day: "It is healing for me to show emotions. It is safe for me to be vulnerable today." Imagine not only an individual who cultivates strength and vulnerability, but also you and your partner, your family, your community, and all whose lives you touch. It's a wonderful, hopeful picture.

Argue Only By Appointment

All couples see things differently at times. You're each unique individuals, and you probably grew up in families with their own ways of doing things and ideas about what is "right." Happily committed couples learn there is often MORE than one right way to do most things. Emotionally mature people respect their differences, learn to fight fairly and understand that all relationships have some recurring perpetual issues.

Every couple has 4 or 5 perpetual issues that are unsolvable, according to psychologist and marital researcher John Gottman. If you trade in your current relationship, guess what happens? You just get 4 or 5 different perpetual, unsolvable issues! So all couples will disagree. Don't be shocked. What counts is working out respectful, fair ways to discuss these issues when they come up.

How do you fight fair with your partner?

First, I encourage couples to argue only by appointment with each other. Don't launch a grenade as your partner is just leaving for work. No surprise attacks! It's better to let your partner know you want to set up a time to talk with them about something important to you. Ask if now is a good time, or if not, if you can set up a time later that same day or evening. (Your partner is not allowed to just say no.) You need to speak privately, without an audience. I also ask couples to have these discussions NOT in your bedroom, as that needs to be sacred space for you as a couple, not associated with tough conversations.

Next, don't hit below the belt. This means, don't call your partner names, yell, swear, or blame. Make "I" statements, so that you say what you want, need, and feel, rather than blame them.

Stay on one topic. Don't wander from one concern to another. It gets overwhelming for your partner and is not as productive.

Try not to bring up a long list of examples from past years,or since the two of you met. This long train of examples can make your partner feel hopeless about ever being able to make you happy.

Stay solution-focused. Give specifics. Ask for what you want. Allow for hope and the possibility that your partner might want to better meet your needs.

Remember, the intent is to help your partner better understand you and how their behavior affects you.

Having grown-up expectations for your relationship is important. Everything won't go smoothly all the time. You will see things differently. If you work it right, you can grow and become a better person through learning to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts. Perhaps this is a part of the plan, that through being in a close committed relationship, we develop fully into the person we were always meant to become: more open, respectful of differences, aware of your impact on your partner, and an active participant in keeping your relationship alive and grudge-free.