Let's Disconnect: Put Down That iPad and Come to the Dinner Table

Families are struggling as they figure out how to cope with family members isolating and plugging into their technology. We've lost the boundaries where parents could easily protect the childhoods of their children. Partners notice how distracted their partner is. Work emails can bleed into evening and weekend space as it shows up on your iPad or iPhone. Children complain about parents that won't put down their phones; parents complain about teenagers doing the same thing.

There is an unspoken message being delivered anytime we are using technology that the person you are presently with is not the most important. It feels bad to be ignored. We long for breaks from feeling plugged-in and anxious. We need deep connection, but it's getting harder to protect emotional space and time for it. We long for being present with intimate others without distraction and multi-tasking. This generation of young people is known as "always on."

What's a family to do?

Psychologist, Harvard Medical School instructor, and writer Catherine Steiner-Adair has written an excellent new guide called The Big Disconnect (Harper Collins Books, 2013). Her book has lots of valuable reminders, such as:

1. Children and teens can't set reasonable limits. You need to be the parent and set off times.

2. Children and families still need time for independent, creative, self-generated play.

3. Make mealtimes family and connecting time: no technology of any kind. Children and parents need to practice and role model social skills and the art of connecting.

4. Don't miss your baby's, child's, or teen's important developmental moments because you are texting.

5. Help preschoolers learn to identify and manage their emotions, learn to take turns, and be patient.
Screen time can't help teach any of those soft skills. They are developed through 1:1 interaction.

6. Have conversations with your children and grandchildren of all ages, including eye contact. These are valuable zones of interaction. Story time or reading together with young children is better than iPad time.

7. Try not to use technology to get children to be quiet or not need you.

8. Be aware how technology accelerates exposure to gender stereotypes, sexuality, aggression, violence, and "cool to be cruel" comments on blogs and social media. Discuss these issues with your children at different developmental points.

9. Beware putting computers and televisions in your children's rooms too early, such as before 13. You may never see them.

10. Facebook and Instagram can emphasize a culture of obsessing about presentation of one's public self.

11. Text messaging gives an artificial sense of pre-planned wittiness and a false sense of confidence. It doesn't translate to in-person social skills.

12. Be an approachable parent, so that your children know they can talk with you about their concerns, and you won't lecture or overreact. In Dr. Steiner-Adair's research, she has learned that kids and teens won't open up and approach parents who are "scary, crazy, or clueless." Scary parents get judgmental, too intense, and harsh. Don't be reactive or hot-headed, or your children won't open up to you about their challenges. Crazy parents hold grudges, and email teachers and coaches when their child doesn't get what they want. Clueless parents are naïve, ineffective, passive, and act like their child's best friend.

13. The best approach is to become a parent who is informed, calm, approachable, and realistic.

The Big Disconnect is well worth reading. It will help you think through keeping the balance of using technology to your advantage, but not being mindless about letting it take over your family's life and connectedness. Don't sit passively by as your family ties loosen.

Engage your children. Simple contracts that your child or teen understands and signs about the conditions for the privilege of using a cell phone you pay for may be a good idea. Encourage texting only about quick details, not as a way to avoid conversations in person. Get the password for the phone, so that if their safety is in danger you can intercede. No sleeping with your phone. Technology has a bedtime. No phones at meals or family times. Ask your children to help you plan some fun time together that doesn't involve technology.

Close relationships and families require in person connecting, undistracted and completely available. Let's disconnect to really connect.

What Happened to Courtship?

In his recent article in the Sunday, January 13, 2013 edition of the New York Times, Alex Williams reflects on “The End of Courtship.” I've been noticing changes for the past several years in what used to be called dating in my counseling practice in Newport Beach, California. Young women in their college years and 20s particularly report dating changes, but so do people in their 30s and above.

Some of the changes have been facilitated by technology. With text messages, many people slide into lazy habits of not making definite plans, or avoiding rejection by not calling and inviting the other person for a specific date/time/place/activity. Text messaging to “see what the other person is doing,” and/or inviting them via text message to  meet up and “hang out” with you and your friends at the last minute is very common. It may be convenient, but it just doesn't make you feel special. As Williams reports, many young women report that invitations for dates have been reduced to the level of a last-minute text message Friday night reading “Hey,” or “sup.” What's a girl supposed to do with that? Hopefully, nothing.

Text messages can make it difficult to discern the tone or nuances. It takes very little effort. It often doesn't feel very personal, like a phone call can be. As people get more enmeshed in habitual texting, it can seem “safer” than real, live conversations where you have to respond right away, and can't take your time to wordsmith a response.

Hanging out and hooking up randomly are common with many college-age adults, with alcohol-induced random romantic pairings that mean nothing. I find this sad, and always urge the young adults I work to set their own standards, no matter what everybody else may be doing. Sex is not a sport, and making physical intimacy mean nothing is a huge mistake.

Online dating has changed the dating landscape as well. Some people get overwhelmed with the candy store mentality of choices, and are frantically dating multiple people at a time to the point of confusion, needing notes, and feeling stressed by it. It's similar to an online job application blitz, throwing lots of inquiry emails out there and seeing what sticks. In the age of Google-ing someone before the first meeting, the initial in-person conversation also changes when they already have gathered details about you from the dating or social networking sites.

Donna Frietas, who teaches Religion and Women's Studies at Boston University and Hofstra, has a soon to be released book I look forward to reading, entitled The End of Sex: How Hookup Culture is Leaving a Generation Unhappy, Sexually Unfulfilled, and Confused About Intimacy. The decline of courtship and shift to a hookup mentality is not progress as far as emotional intimacy, the art of getting to know someone over time, or one-to-one conversation is concerned. Most things that are valuable in life are not instant, and putting some effort and intentionality into dating is still attractive.

There are other societal shifts happening concurrently, including more longevity for most of us, and a prolonged “adultesence” into the mid-to late 20s with the age of first marriage happening later than in generations past. This could be changing the courtship dynamics, where no one wants to get too serious too soon.

Regardless, I still prefer that we all develop good social skills, call others rather than text whenever possible, and have the courage to risk rejection and create real intimacy. Women also need to know that they can ask for behaviors they prefer, and hold to their own personal standards. Texting may be useful for quick information, like the fact that you may be 5 minutes late, but it isn't a medium for developing a relationship. Online dating can be a good way to meet someone, but real relationships have to occur in real time. Email or texting are not good modes to work through relationship challenges. Some things will always be better in person or in conversation that isn't preplanned or cleverly crafted.

Think Before Texting

As technology advances, people have to figure out the new rules for using it. In movie theatres, restaurants, and public places, it can be annoying and rude to have people loudly talking away on cell phones about trivia, or other personal things. We are having to adjust to a new level of awareness about how and where to have conversations and send text messages. We each need to think through how our behaviors impact our relationships and even the strangers around us. Just because we can be reached at any moment doesn't mean it's a good idea. We need to set some limits. We need to know when to turn the technology off, and be what I call "fully available now."

This week, I have had people share their hurt about having to ask their parent, child, or partner to put away their phone during a meal and be present. This is not an advance for our society. How do we sort through the useful purposes of texting, for example, but limit the damage being done using it?

When is texting helpful as a means of communicating? It's a great parenting resource for staying in touch with your teen or tween when they are out doing something with friends, or a beginning driver. They can text you when they leave, and when they arrive. You can ask them to keep their phone on so that you can reach them if needed. You can ask them to text you if they want to change locations, say from one friend's house to another's.

Text messaging can be a useful way to send a brief fact, for example, the time of a meeting, or the fact that you will be 5 minutes late. Many of my teen and busy adult patients find it easier and more convenient to text or e-mail me to set up appointments. Sending a text could be a sweet way to stay positively connected to another person, as in wishing them well on a speech, presentation, big meeting, or test. It could be a loving text that lets your partner or child know you are thinking of them, or love them. Consider whether a live phone call could be even better at times.

When is texting a bad idea? Having a fight or disagreement by text is a horrible idea. This mode of disagreeing is filled with pitfalls. The other person won't be able to tell your tone. They can't read your facial expressions or body language. Ninety percent of what we pick up from another person comes through tone of voice, body and facial expression. Only ten percent of our information about a message is gotten from the content of what someone communicates to you. Plus, do you really want someone you care about to have a lasting written record of something you typed quickly in anger without thinking it through? This can be very hurtful, and a little like using a submachine gun when a much smaller weapon will do. Save disagreements for face-to face discussion, where you will get the nuances, have fewer potential misfirings in your communication, and be able to repair things. Something about the speed and ease of firing off an angry text message frees people to get meaner than they ever would in person. Once written and sent, you can't take it back.

There are also some kinds of bad news that should never be communicated by text message. More care and humanity is needed than is possible in a text message if you are breaking off a relationship, ending a friendship, firing someone, or delivering news about a death, illness, or other serious topic. Text messages work better for brief facts, sharing encouragement or a quick text of connection. No bombshells, please. You don't know when and where the other person will be when they get a bad news text, so try never to send one. It's not the right vehicle.

When I teach couples safe ways to really work out disagreements, I ask them to argue or discuss things that matter by appointment with each other. Timing matters. If your partner asks you to have a difficult conversation, you can put away your phone, ipad, laptop, turn off the tv, and consciously decide to be"fully available now." It feels wonderful to be heard in this way, free of distractions.

Some years back, on a trip to New York city, I watched as a beautiful moment between a father and son got ruined by a cell phone. The father and small boy were in a little boat in the lake at Central Park, and the boy was fascinated by some baby ducklings and tried to engage his dad, who was completely focused on his cell phone call. Moment missed.

It seems to me that we need some no texting zones. Not just movie theatres, but at the dinner table, in the bedroom, on family outings, date nights, at church, plays, while driving, and more. Being intentionally present and not distracted is a gift we can give ourselves and those we care about. We can teach our children and teens about these new gray areas of communication, and engage them in the dialogue about what kind of commmunication medium is best for what. (For example, don't ask your best girl to prom or break up with your boyfriend by text.)

Do we need new rules for texting? I think so. Texting can be another resource for parenting, connecting, or scheduling, or it can be a distracting, destructive force. The choice is ours!

Takeaway Lessons From Weinergate

Rep.Anthony Weiner(D-NY) finally resigned yesterday,under fire from his congressional colleagues, Nancy Pelosi,President Obama,his constituents,and a whole lot of media attention.What a sad chapter,for Anthony Weiner and for his wife,Huma,who is expecting their first child.Is there anything we can learn from this whole mess about intimacy,honesty,and marriage? Here are a few life lessons we can sift from all the emotional rubble of hurt,embarassment,and unraveling lies.

1.Cheating is cheating.Any secret contact between you and another person that you would not want your partner to know about is unfaithful and disloyal. This includes text messages,sexting,emailing,voice messages,secret meetings,hook ups,emotional affairs and physical contact.If you have to hide a behavior,it's probably wrong. Intimacy is based on trust and transparency.

2. Your behaviors impact your partner and your children and everyone who loves you.Think about the interconnected web of lives you touch BEFORE you do something impulsive.One problem with text messages and tweets is that people feel that the impersonal,supposedly private and immediate nature of the communication emboldens people to do things that they wouldn't normally.

3.Admit it when you make a mistake. Don't blame someone else for your misjudgement. It makes it worse,and causes others to lose trust in you.Weiner might have kept his role in congress if he owned up to his missteps right away and manned up with integrity.Lying about his twitter account being hacked and defensive denials just made him look worse.

4.Beware the needy ego which requires constant feeding and stroking.Something is profoundly broken inside someone who has an insatiable need to be seen as attractive to an ever-changing line up of strangers. Like Narcissus in the Greek myth,this person is more in love with their own perception than a real,loving,and intimate relationship with another person. Can you say shallow and self-absorbed? Real self esteem gives you a sense of creating meaning and peace,not a fire that has to be constantly stoked.

Real intimacy is based in empathy for the other person,devotion,faithfulness,honesty and groundedness.It runs deep.It calls an awareness of the sacred trust between two people.It is about something bigger than self. Emotionally mature people can transcend the moment to moment desires of the self, and instead honor the meaningful relationship you have built with your beloved.Anything less than this cheapens the value of your relationship and you as a person.Perhaps politicians are vulnerable to absolute power corrupting absolutely,and losing their way in the temptation of ego fluffing.

Blame

A parent comes in to counseling and complains that their teenager shuts them out,and doesn't respond well when they approach to discuss problems. The parent is convinced that it is 100% the teen's fault they are not close.That's just how teens are,they say.

A married adult comes in blaming their partner for not meeting their needs, the relationship getting stale,and them feeling disengaged. If only their partner was more fit/worked at a better job/ a better conversationalist/more sexual/more fun/etc. They recognize they are no longer "in love", and are passively waiting to see if their partner fixes things enough for them to stay.They get a false sense of power from hanging out in ambivalence.

An adult whines about their job and their boss, but does nothing to try to improve the situation.They badmouth their supervisor and the company, but don't take responsibility for finding solutions,or finding another job or a career that is a better fit.They rationalize that they can't be expected to give much to their family, because they are so stressed out or unhappy with work.


What is the common denominator in each of these scenarios? Each time we have a person stuck playing the blame game,and assigning 100% of the blame to the OTHER person.It is almost impossible to move a situation forward in a constructive way or improve a relationship when people are stuck in blame.It prevents people from considering some key things:

~What could I do differently?

~How am I contributing to this problem with my attitude and my behavior?

~Can I put aside my ego and ASK for honest feedback on what I can do better with my teenager,my marriage,or my job?

~If I get feedback, can I listen with my heart,and not dismiss the feedback to protect my pride?

~Is it a comfortable bad habit for me to project my insecurities,frustrations,and dissatisfactions on a person,relationship, or job?

~ What AM I DOING that undermines this marriage,relationship,or job? Do I use poor timing or approach in talking with my teenager about problems? Am I undermining my own marriage by texting past or potential partners,or doing other disloyal,secretive behavior? Do I do nurturing,loving actions and behaviors for my partner that make them feel important,cherished,and valued?Do I put in poor quality work at my job and justify it somehow?

I know I have an emotionally mature person to work with when they can look past blame, and introspect with an open heart about what they contribute to any situation non-defensively.Every relationship has a dance, and by changing your own dance steps you redefine the dance.It's been said that in relationships each person may wish to get the other person to change, but we need to grow to realize that we can only change ourselves. The best relationship improvements come when each are open-minded,not rigid,and own our own baggage.This is the stuff great relationships and great lives are made of.

Alone Together:Why We Expect More From Technology and Less From Each Other(book review)

Just this week,I have been meeting with parents of teenagers and discussing how technology is changing our relationships with our children and each other. A recent study showed that the average American teenager sends or receives 3,000 text messages each month.I have noticed that most of my patients under age 40 prefer to e-mail me to schedule appointments, rather than leave voice messages.I am talking in session with adults who feel ignored by their partner's relentless obsession with their Droid, Iphone,or Blackberry.Children and teens bemoan parents who seem unavailable or scattered as they multi-task parenting with clearing e-mail and messages,instead of giving their full attention. What is the blessing of technology connecting us all the time doing to our relationships?

I am currently reading Sherry Turkle's new book,"Alone Together: Why We Expect More From Technology and Less From Each Other"(Basic Books,2011).Turkle is a clinical psychologist,the Rockefeller Professor of Social Studies and Technology at M.I.T, and the Director of M.I.T.'s Initiative on Technology and Self.She is also the mother of a teenage daughter,and has personally experienced the technology dilemmas that modern parents must bravely face.It is a whole new world in terms of communication, and we are the parenting pioneers who get to navigate adolescent development combined with facebook,texting,skyping and all the rest.Turkle reports on her fascinating research on how all of this is changing our relationship with ourselves and others.The world has changed, and we need to begin the converation on how we integrate the technolgy without losing intimacy, real friendship,and being present and available to those we love the most.

Turkle's research findings about adults in relationships with robots raises interesting questions about people who get their needs for connection met but are,in fact, alone. Think of the movie from several years ago,"Lars and the Real Girl". It may serve a purpose, but what a self-absorbed and reductionist view of relationships.For all the ups and downs,real relationships are more interesting, and help us to mature and grow more accepting and loving.Even though, as Turkle writes,"People dissapoint;robots don't".

Turkle also studied people who spend more time,and get more enjoyment,in their alternative life and identity in on-line games than they do in real life. One has to contemplate what will happen to our planet if this level of social withdrawal increases.As parents, we need to make sure we launch young adults with social skills and the ability to successfully communicate,negotiate,and relate to other people.We need to require face time,volunteering,family interaction at meals and other times. No texting at the dinner table,please!

Turkle explores how real intimacy is messy---real partners and friends also come with their own needs. You can't just relate at your convenience. Many teens enjoy the speed and effectiveness of texting,and it provides for timed,witty statements and the ability to disconnect at whim and stop interacting.None of these aspects are available in real-time face-to-face conversations.We have to be careful about how much technology is good, and where the limits need to be. I like the title of the book, because I think "alone together" is the perfect desciption for a lot of family and couples interactions I see. One only has to watch Modern Family on ABC Wednesday nights,as the New York Times deftly pointed out recently,to observe how family interactions are twisted up in technology use and misuse.

And what about the need for silence? And being still to think or daydream? One huge loss with unbridled use of technology is living so plugged-in that we miss out on moments with others and important time alone.Remember when noone could reach you as you ran arrands? When did we all become so indispensible that we musy always be reachable?

I heartily recommend this thought provoking read. Connectivity does have its discontents. Finding reasonable limits is important to preserving real intimacy, with all its fears and complications.

Facebook, Texting, And Your Marriage

To have a wonderful, deeply intimate, and lasting marriage, both partners have to "close the exits". In our parents' generation, this might have been not ignoring your partner by reading the newspaper at meals, instead of conversing with your partner. Or, it might have meant don't zone out watching television next to each other every night. Mix it up, and keep the relationship fresh by having some high-energy fun together. Get out together to date nights and to do active things frequently. Pay attention to the sexual relationship you have with your partner. Be fun, and don't take the many available exits to intimacy.

In the past several years in my counseling practice, I am seeing more marriages hurt by social media, and the availability of secret texting,to create dangerous detours to the marriage. When old flames can become your Facebook friend, and a veil of secrecy hides hurtful secret messaging, the temptations abound. Some couples are beginning to discuss these dangers, and how they want to handle potential boundary violations to the marriage, which may hurt your partner and ultimately end the marriage. These are important questions couples should discuss. What do you and your partner feel about recognizing each other as partners on Facebook? Some couples share their passwords. Others discuss it with each other when an old romantic interest surfaces and makes contact. There are no easy or universal answers, but each person should be mindful of the terrible risks involved and the temptation to the middle-aged ego.

Couples therapists across the country are noticing the same trend and risks with social media and technology that I am seeing here in Newport Beach, California. On November 2, National Public Radio ran two related stories by my AAMFT colleague, therapist Jennifer Ludden. NPR's program All Things Considered ran a story on "Can Social Media Break Up A Marriage?", and one titled "I-Phone Makes 3: Marriage In The Digital Age". The world is clearly changing, and relationships and marriages are trying to figure out how to navigate these uncharted waters. Both of Ludden's articles and her interview can be accessed through NPR's website, http://www.npr.org and look for All Things Considered, under programs.

Here's what I know as a couples therapist for these last 20 years. Be careful. Be mindful. Things can start innocently, and go very wrong. Be aware of how lies, secrecy, and confiding emotionally in someone else, besides your partner, can distance and undermine your marriage. Be conscious of not interrupting your sacred time with your partner to do business on your I-Phone. Protecting the special bond between you and your mate is each partner's sacred responsibility, or you cheapen the value of what it means to be your partner. Temptation is more available----and more secret----- than ever before. And a deep and enduring marriage, with a marriage partner who loves and cares deeply for you, has never been more valuable. Closing the exits to secrecy and betrayal means protecting something more real and more lasting than flattery. Real intimacy requires real boundaries.

Excuse Me, While I Check My Text Messages and Other New Relationship Tests

It is a brave new world figuring out how modern technology fits into our close relationships, and learning how to turn it off at important times. The temptation to be constantly available to everyone,by cellphone,texting,blackberries, and our mobile devices is creating some strange and unanticipated results.Let us take a moment to question why we need to be plugged in so often, and what the impact is on us and on our relationships.

Interrupting a conversation to take a call or check or send a text message makes the person you are with in person feel unimportant and irrelevant. I have had children tell me they can be spending precious one-on-one time with a busy parent and feel incredibly hurt when mom or dad is distracted from their activity by their phone. It makes you feel the other person is not present. It feels bad. I can remember taking a walk through Central Park in New York city a few years ago and watching a father and son out in a boat together on the lake there on a beautiful, sunny, summer afternoon. The young boy was filled with delight, seeing a family of ducks with several baby ducklings swim close to the boat. He squealed with delight, and turned to share his find with his dad, who motioned for him to be quiet while he finished his cell phone call. Five minutes later, when dad was finished, the small boy was over it. His dad missed sharing all the joy of that moment. From my spot on the shore I wanted to cry. Or throw the man's cell phone in the lake.

In the early stages of a relationship, we make interpretations about the other persons' intent or interest in making us a priority and giving their full and undivided attention. I have heard of Generation X and Y dating experiences where one person is texting throughout the date. Check please. That is just rude behavior. If you are that busy, you should have canceled or rescheduled.Or do yourself and potential partners a favor, and get some counseling before you begin dating, to work through your lack of emotional availability.

In their recently published book, Married to Distraction, by Edward and Sue Hallowell, both therapists,they do an excellent job at portraying the modern challenges couples are facing daily to maintain intimacy in an age of constant interruption.They even have a 30-day plan of attack on dealing with this, most of which involves turning OFF the technology, talking with your loved one, asking each other open-ended questions to get the interaction going, and having some high-energy fun together. Leave the cell phones off or at home. This isn't rocket science. It is reprioritizing the important people in your life above the need to be in the know and connected at all times. Turning everything off tells the person you are with that "you are the most important thing right now, other stuff can wait".

There are some human interactions that should never be reduced to a text message. You can't get the tone or the nuances of a voice conversation or a face-to-face chat.
Lots of miscommunication can occur through text messages. It can be difficult to identify sarcasm or intent.Sometimes using a text message can be a cute little connection to your child or partner while you are apart(<3), which could be a positive,relational use of technology. I have had teens tell me about break-ups by text, which is hurtful and impersonal.Technological advances are fine, but we each need to think through situations and times when using it is helpful or destructive.

Modern technology also provides a level of secrecy and anonymity to interactions that can tempt even good people to do or say things that they shouldn't.If you are a teenager, posting critical or inappropriate things about others is unwise and gutless.Parents need to be aware, and frequently advise their teens of the risks invoved. If you are in a commited relationship or marriage and you are having secret text, email, or phone conversations with other potential or past partners, you are hurting your relationship and being dishonest. Secrets are destructive to relationships. How would you feel if your partner dishonored you in this way? Your relationship can only be as good as both people's ability to protect and nurture it.Great couples' relationships require that both people have the maturity to set boundaries that protect the sacred trust between the two. Personal integrity is absolutely the key here, and not allowing current technology to assist you in ruining something wonderful.

It is important to take some technology breaks with yourself as well.You can turn it off at certain points in your day and just be present, breathe, relax. You can notice the world around you and the way the light shines through the clouds. There is a subtle,"always on duty" mentality with being tied to any technology that keeps you keyed up. Guess what? Empower yourself. You can rechoreograph that routine. Turn it off before dinner, or on weekends,or when you need time by yourself or your favorite people.Don't take your blackberry to yoga. It is a conflict of interest.

Finally, there is a narcissistic cultural bent to feeling that any of us is so important that we can't turn off the access the world and technology have to us at times. In an era of people twittering and facebooking their day to day activities and experiences, it is good to keep our own self-importance in check. Using technology can be helpful to our relationships or hurtful. Insight and awareness about how our behavior affects the people closest to us, and how frantic it is making us, are essential. We want to use technology to enhance, not have it cheapen or hurt our relationships.I don't want you to miss life's most tender moments while you check your text messages. :)