The Gift of Emotional Literacy

Several times recently, I've been in session with young adults who were trying their best to get launched in their own lives, but were at a distinct disadvantage because they grew up in a family where nobody ever talked about feelings. It got me thinking about how helping our children to become aware of what they are feeling and to express those feelings appropriately and directly with others is one of the best gifts parents can give.

Children and teens often feel a jumble of feelings, and having a loving parent who can listen and reflect those experiences back to them and understand is very significant. Our first relationships with parents helps us learn to love and attach. If parents are open and aware of their children's feelings it helps children to become emotionally literate.

In order to help your children with this emotional development, it helps if parents are emotionally available, not self-absorbed or in constant crisis themselves, not chemically dependent, and in touch with their own feelings. Parents need to be able to respect that your children are likely to have their own distinct feelings, separate from yours.

If you didn't have the gift of a parent who helped you learn to identify and sort out your feelings, it's not too late. You can decide that you are going to be the one who stops the family transmission pattern of "we don't do feelings". You can work with a supportive therapist to re-parent yourself and begin to understand and sort out your own internal experiences. You can learn to take emotional risks in being open, direct, and communicative. Journaling is another channel in for cultivating self-discovery and greater self-awareness.

Teens often long for a parent who will listen more, care about them, believe in them and lecture less. Parents of teens often focus on the negative and further shut their teen down in doing so. Taking your teen out of the house to share a meal or do an activity together while you listen and ask about their friends (not their grades) can do wonders to help them open up with you.

In adult love relationships, being emotionally honest about your needs and feelings gives the relationship and the other person the best chance. Too many times adults process internally or not at all, don't keep their partner aware of changing needs and emotional distance is created. When couples are disconnected, not enjoying date nights and shared couples time together,  not sharing feelings and sleeping the same hours in the same bedroom the signal is clear: danger ahead.

As it turns out we all need to explore our own interior life and feelings and communicate about it to those we want to be close to. This kind of emotional literacy and transparency are building blocks for building intimate, satisfying relationships. In the new year ahead, get into the emotionally healthy habit of exploring and articulating your feelings in your most important relationships, and be curious and available for the other important people in your life to share their internal experience with you. With great openness and the risk of vulnerability come great rewards.

Taking the Risk of Opening Up

It's always a big risk emotionally to open up to someone else: to be real and vulnerable. Opening up means chancing rejection and hurt. It's also the only way to know and be known, and develop authentic and close relationships. Taking healthy risks is sometimes good for us.

Over the years, I've counseled lots of young adults, men and women, who have survived their parents' divorce. They witnessed the pain, betrayal, hurt, loss, and if they were fortunate enough to see it, perhaps they saw their parents accept the loss with grace and move along towards a future. Judith Wallerstein's research on children of divorce, in her ground-breaking study at the Center for Family in Transition, showed us that children of divorce are more scared about risking, opening up, and potentially being hurt than their peers.

Whether you've experienced your own losses and disappointments, or watched it happen to those close to you, building a protective barrier around your heart is not a good strategy. In order to avoid being vulnerable, sometimes people resort to sarcasm, numbing themselves with alcohol or substances, acting "chill" like nothing matters, or shutting down all possibilities for closeness.

In relationships, we have to take calculated risks to succeed. You have to try, even if you're afraid. You have to ask for the things you want and need emotionally. If you don't open up and invest and open up to close, intimate relationships, you don't get them. In relationships, it's no deposit, no return.

Risking enough to selectively open up to others is an essential part of the human journey. It means you can share your hopes and fears, your struggles and your triumphs. Vulnerability and openness is reciprocal as well, and a relationship is deepened as each person reveals more of him or herself over time.

We can take healthy risks with opening up in parenting by putting down the parenting role from time to time to share appropriately a bit of ourselves beyond the parent. It could comfort your child to know about a time when you messed up or learned from a mistake. Sharing beyond the mask of parent could make you more real.

In friendship, taking a risk to invite someone closer to you, to get to know you, or to take the time to really get to know them could be an important road in. Many adults are more afraid to open up and reach out to make new friends than children are. I think it's ideal when a person is open enough to be able to add friends throughout their life cycle, not just in youth.

Risking openness and being vulnerable gives our relationships the opportunity to go deeper and grow more meaningful. Healthy risks push us to grow and be known. Why would you settle for anything less?

Why Anger Isn't All Bad

Anger can get a bad rap. It's not always bad to be angry. Getting angry in certain situations is understandable, and learning to figure out what is going on with yourself when you feel angry is useful. While you don't want to act out with anger, or take it out on other people, you do want to recognize it, and channel the anger towards constructive action if at all possible.

It's not good to let anger marinate inside you. Internalizing anger can make you feel sad, powerless, and depressed. There are gender-based differences in the expression of anger. Women are more likely to not recognize anger, and turn it inwards to self-blame and sadness. Men are more likely to express anger, and less likely to express vulnerability.

Sometimes recognizing what you are REALLY angry and frustrated about takes some thought, meditation, quiet time to reflect, or a good workout. Underneath strong anger there is usually some hurt. The next time you get really angry, you might stop and ask yourself what you might really be hurt about.

Anger, once identified and reflected upon, can be channeled.

I have known people who got so frustrated with supervisors, meetings, and unnecessary bureaucracy at work that they made a plan and became an entrepreneur. That’s good use of anger.

There are people who figure out that when they are uptight and feel like picking a fight with their partner or children that they need to go for a run to release that keyed up feeling and be ready to be relational again. Again, that’s excellent self-awareness of tension and anger building.

It's so important not to project your unexamined anger out on others. It's been said that “I'm never really upset for the reason I say I am.” There is some truth to that saying. Each person is responsible for sorting out their own anger and frustration, and figuring out what it means. Perhaps you hate your job and are taking it out on your loved ones, when you really need to address the career issues. Maybe you are holding on to unspoken resentment with your partner, and need to assertively claim more equity in the relationship.

In her classic book, The Dance of Anger (Harper and Row, 1985), Harriet Learner beautifully addresses the unique issues faced in expressing anger. The feminine archetype often doesn't include anger. Many women are conflict avoidant, and are so focused on keeping harmony in their relationships that they don't even recognize when they are being stepped on, taken advantage of, and need to speak up on their own behalf. In relationships we need an 'I' and a 'We.' Women are socialized to be nice, sweet, and relational. Women are afraid at times to assert their own needs and desires for fear of being thought of as bitchy or demanding.

Anger can be a guide to understanding more about our authentic self, and what we need in life and in relationships. While we don't want to act out and hurt others with our anger, or blame others, we do need to understand it and have our anger help us understand that we need more of a partnership, more consideration and caring from a partner. Anger can be a signal we have some negotiating to do. Anger can tell us we need to do something different, at home or at work.

It takes courage to break out of the relationship dances we get into, but if you are noticing that you're angry, it's time to reflect about changing your dance steps. Learning a few new dances could be fun, and surprise a few people. It's never too late to learn a few new dance steps with regard to how we grow from our anger.

The Vulnerability Guru

Thinking about the concepts of emotional intimacy and vulnerability? Think Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston's Graduate College of Social Work who has been spending the last 12 years studying shame, fear, and vulnerability. Over 7 million viewers have watched her TED Talk on YouTube. She recently published a new book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.

Brown feels that shame is a common emotion among us, and that many feel shame in our current social climate, even if they are just leading an ordinary life. Fear and shame consume a great deal of emotional energy. They rob us of the ability to apply our gifts and use our strengths.

In her research over the past 12 years, Brown identified some people, who are termed “wholehearted,” who feel that they are enough. They relate to the world from a platform of feeling basic self-worth. These individuals are aware that they have the power to make choices every day, and they exercise that choice. They operate with compassion, for themselves and others. “Wholehearted” people are mindful of the balance between work, rest, and play in their lives. They respect the courage it takes to be vulnerable. They choose openness with others.

No intimacy can take place without vulnerability-- it is a necessary precursor. Vulnerability is honesty about our fears, our feelings, and what we need from the people we are closest to. Vulnerability is a kind of glue that makes relationships closer. Brown notes that being vulnerable enough to express our joy is a particular risk, because joy is often fleeting. Sometimes we are reluctant to share it, thinking that it will cause the other shoe to drop.

Brown considers it a great loss when people disengage in their closest relationships, as if not being “fully in” will protect them from getting hurt. Living in a wholehearted way requires staying engaged with the intimate other, and being able to discuss it if it feels either one of you has disengaged. It's as if we have to risk disappointment, hurt, and rejection in order to be fully known, and know others.

Shame can mess up being vulnerable with those closest to us. It can make us judge ourselves unworthy of love, and not give others a way to reach us. Being resilient to shame means understanding what triggers yours, being self-aware, and being able to sort it out aloud with someone you feel safe with.

Setting boundaries with work and other demands on us can also take courage. Our society is very productivity oriented, so protecting your time for creative work, self-care, or family time can be disrespected or not understood by others. It takes bravery to construct the limits and boundaries you need to find your own personal balance for your life.

Brown finds, generally speaking, that there are unique gender differences with regard to dealing with shame. Men tend to get angry with others or disengage when shamed. Women tend to take their anger out on themselves. Keeping shame a secret inside you can impact your physical health. Letting shame out to a therapist, or someone close to you, can take away the powerful secret the shame held over you. (For example, those who carry the shame of having been abused as a child.)

Sexuality can bring up vulnerability and shame issues. For men, there are societal pressures to be stoic, calm, strong, work-oriented, and in control. Men are often afraid to be perceived as weak. They can fear rejection and criticism from women around courtship, intimacy, and sexuality. Women, Brown notes, have opposite norms to overcome, as they are supposed to be thin, nice, pretty, and quiet. What if being vulnerable makes you go up against these norms and be you?

Brown also has an interesting take on pornography, which she terms “looking for connection in all the wrong places.” Men may think they will spend a few dollars and avoid the risk of rejection, shame, or criticism, but then the behavior triggers more shame. Sexuality and intimacy can also be complicated for women by body image shame issues. (So then we have two people who don't feel worthy enough to connect authentically!) We must realize that we are each worthy of love and connection.

Brown's new book, and her body of research, challenge us to live fully, authentically, and with vulnerability. We need to support each other in asking for we want, and risking rejection and disappointment in life to get to the good stuff. Now that's a recipe for a life well-lived.

Trusting

Trust is an important component in close relationships. We learn how to trust initially as infants and small children who learn to have confidence that mom, dad, or the primary caregiver will respond to our needs and be there as we need them. If we aren't fortunate enough to get this platform as we grow up, then we have to try to create it as we go with others.

When we become parents ourselves, we are giving our children a platform for trusting others. Are we calm, reasonable, warm, available, and supportive? It means a great deal to have a parent who can be counted on. Children need parents who are predictable, present, involved, and providing meals, love, and attention. When parents are unpredictable, absent, hostile and volatile, it blows apart the empathic envelope of trust that parents should have around their growing children. For our children to trust us, we must be trustworthy as parents.

As a teen or an adult, it takes courage to let your guard down and be vulnerable with significant others ---to trust a few people to be there for you, to support you, and not to betray that trust. Some people have difficulty trusting others because they know that they can't be trustworthy themselves.

Trust is built over time, like depositing coins in a bank, or marbles in a jar. Every repeated experience where your trust is maintained, and the loved one is a person of their word, helps to keep that bank account balance up or that jar filled. If trust is broken, it is a much harder thing to rebuild later. Sometimes trust can't be rebuilt at all.

How is trust built or maintained at a high level?

1.      Being honest with others.

2.      Having difficult conversations when they need to happen. For example, you might begin resenting the other person, or needing to do something different, or wanting to change or upgrade the communication and quality of relationship between you. Sharing what you are thinking may be difficult, but keeps the other person in the loop and honors the relationship between the two of you. It gives the other person the opportunity to grow. I often see people in counseling who wish their former partner gave them a heads up right away about problems, rather than storing them up until there was nothing beautiful left.

3.      Be aware of the danger of side conversations. Talking with an objective person, like a trained therapist, can very helpful in getting clarity about what you are wanting, and how to best approach the other person. You can trust that the therapist has no hidden agenda. You can get insight as to how to change your own dance steps in any relationship so that you are operating from your best self. Side conversations with friends, extended family, etc. about an important relationship are potentially problematic, build outside alliances, and dishonor the other person.

Teens, in particular, tell me they shut down when they share something personal with a parent, and the parent shares that sacred trust with others.

4.      Be impeccable with your word. Keep your promises. Doing this also develops your own character and integrity.

5.      Ask for what you want. Be direct. Be brave. There are no bonus points for passivity or silent suffering.

6.      Don't keep destructive secrets. These are secrets that you know would hurt or damage the trust between you if the other person knew.

7.      Avoid passive aggressive behavior. If you are upset, hurt, or angry, own up to it with your loved one.

I like to think of it this way: in order to establish the feeling of safety with another person, you must be able to trust them. To build feelings of intimacy, you have to feel safe. These are the building blocks of close and caring relationships, whether between partners, between parent and child, or close friends. Safety, trust, openness, intimacy, and vulnerability are best when they travel as a team. A relationship can only be as strong and as deep as your commitment to these hallmarks of conscious relationships, and the similar commitment of the other person you are in relationship with.

So there are two parts to trust: being a trustworthy person yourself, and choosing intimate others who are deserving of your trust, and can give you that gift in return.

Strong Enough To Be Vulnerable

Writer Louise Hay, the godmother of affirmations, wrote this one about vulnerability that I love:

"It is healing for me to show emotions. It is safe for me to be vulnerable."

One of the most beautiful things about people to me is when they have been through loss or difficulty, but it has not broken them. Life's challenges can break you open instead. It's been said that when your heart breaks, that's where the light can get in. I admire tremendously when people cultivate both their strength and vulnerability. It's an unstoppable combination of traits which will serve as a standard for others.

It takes a strong person to be honest about who you truly are, and what you are needing in your closest relationships. Many people do intimacy dances where they hide parts of themselves, and are fearful to really be known by the intimate other, or let the other person see your fears, hurts from childhood wounds, or your biggest hopes and dreams for your life and for the relationship.

I find people can't act forever. In your closest relationships, one will begin to resent and detach from the other person if you aren't brave about talking through your needs, your hopes, and your hurts, and listening from the heart to your partner's side on each of these concerns.

In relationships, we are always in motion, either getting closer, or drifting further away. It takes a brave and vulnerable individual to talk with your partner honestly about what is working well, and where you would like to do things differently with each other. Many people are starving emotionally in their relationship, and you can begin to correct the trajectory by talking about what you need and want, not in anger, but with love and vulnerability.

Being strong with your children may mean being a responsible parent who provides structure, consistency and predictability. (Think paying the bills, serving dinner at 6, helping them with homework, having household rules). Being vulnerable may mean being willing to apologize freely from the heart when you overreact or misstep. Sorry,but nobody's perfect, parents included. Being vulnerable might be hugging, tucking in, making plans to hang out together, or letting them know when you feel close to them, or what they mean to you. You can't imagine the number of adults I've seen in therapy over the last 20 years who never felt like they got the love, attention, tenderness, or approval from their parents that they needed. Good news! You can break the cycle and give your children that emotional tenderness they are needing. Start today by telling them, or writing them a personal letter about what they mean to you.

Remind yourself this week, by repeating Louise Hay's insightful affirmation to yourself ten times a day: "It is healing for me to show emotions. It is safe for me to be vulnerable today." Imagine not only an individual who cultivates strength and vulnerability, but also you and your partner, your family, your community, and all whose lives you touch. It's a wonderful, hopeful picture.