The Happiness Jar

It's always easy to focus on the negative, or the frustrations and disappointments in daily life. No doubt they are always around the corner. It takes character and self-direction to focus on the little moments of personal joy and hold on to them. You can even replay happy or joyful moments through your mind when you need them and change your feelings and body chemistry. Sometimes we all need to do that.

I've heard these happy moments referred to by different names: bliss hits or the petite happiness. We have to consciously refocus ourselves to catch them or they can slip by unnoticed. Often small joys are little things: noticing the colors in the sunrise or a sunset, observing a child, a butterfly, or a family pet, a brisk walk, the fresh smell of a blooming narcissus, an intentional hug, time with a friend, the creamy taste of ice cream, the softness of your favorite jeans after work, the warmth of hot tea, or the amber glow of a roaring fire. These small things and others can bring unexpected joy to a regular day.

Recently, I noticed that one of my favorite writers and speakers, Elizabeth Gilbert, wrote about her own little project of keeping a happiness jar for a year. Gilbert wrote her memoir, Eat, Pray, Love in 2006. She posted pictures on-line of herself with her own huge jar, with a number of little slips of paper inside on which she writes one thing that brought her joy that day. She saves them for a year, so it takes a big jar. What a lovely tool to have on a day when you might be feeling sad or downbeat, to be able to spill out your happiness jar and reread the things that have given you joy in past weeks and months.

Often my patients who are trying to work through depression or grief and loss forget to add in liberal amounts of these petite happinesses. They do help. One of the signs that you are healing from the journey of loss is that you can begin to experience joy again.

Gilbert invited her readers to send her photographs of their own, home-crafted happiness jars, and they were inspiring and decorative. This is a fun idea for adults, or to share with the young people in your life who might enjoy this positive refocus.

Happiness jars? I'd like a really large one that holds lots of joy, and I recommend the same for you.

What If Other People Aren't Supposed to Make You Happy?

So often in counseling I see people disappointed that marriage or parenting doesn't make them happy. What if we rework that expectation, and consider the possibility that relationships are really about choosing someone who helps you to grow? Or, what if being in a committed relationship or being a parent is really more of an opportunity to give rather than get?

Nobody stays in a perpetual "in love" state. It's a temporary condition. Falling in love activates the pleasure center in our brain. It lasts for months, not years. When we fall in love, we focus on the similarities between the other person and oneself. We love how it makes us feel to be with the beloved. A year or two later, it becomes easy to see the differences between you and perseverate on them if you don't shift your consciousness.

When we have expectations that we will fall in love and that person will "make" us happy forever after, that's an unrealistic idea. Actually, a better expectation is to take responsibility for making yourself happy and fulfilled, and sharing that happiness with the partner of your choice.

 It's important to know that marriages have seasons. There are some predictable hard spots, like when couples have children, when children become teens, and when couples launch their children and need to reconnect in some new ways.

In a marriage or committed, monogamous relationship, I like to see each partner make the choice to bring their best self to the relationship. Focus on giving, not getting. The happiest couples encourage each other's growth and support their unique interests. Each person takes personal responsibility for shining a light and being a beneficial presence in their little corner of the world. Marriages work best when each person sees the best in the other.

You also don't want to look to becoming a parent as a way to make yourself happy. Raising a family can be a very fulfilling experience, but it also tests you. Sweet little babies grow into teens who need to push away from you to individuate and launch. They aren't there to meet your needs or read your script. Being a good parent is a lot about letting go of some of your selfishness, transcending self,  seeing who you've been sent and how you can contribute to helping them along their path.

In short, let's rethink our expectations for our closest relationships. Marriage and parenting aren't supposed to make you happy. They are supposed to make you grow. Love is about a choice, and about doing the right, loving behaviors. You are supposed to make you happy, and then share. Relationships are about giving, rather than getting. Life, lived well includes a process of growing, opening up, and sharing more of your true self with others.

Pursuing Happiness

Each person has a set point for happiness. It is impacted by genetics, family and life experiences. Your happiness level is also greatly influenced by daily thoughts and behaviors, perhaps even more profoundly than any other influence. What you think about, and what you choose to do each day makes a big difference in both your own life and every life you touch.

Positive psychology is a field of inquiry that began to be identified in 1998 by University of Pennsylvania psychology professor, writer and researcher Martin Seligman. He's the author of Authentic Happiness and Learned Optimism. It is based on the idea that psychology shouldn't just focus on mental illness and pathology, but also lead in the pursuit and understanding of what helps people create meaning, contentment, joy, resiliency and wellness.

Shawn Achor, M.A. is a Harvard scholar, educator, business consultant and writer who has spent over 12 years studying what makes people happy. His TED talk about happiness is one of their 20 most viewed lessons. He is a big advocate of positive psychology, and wrote The Happiness Advantage. Achor is interested in how happiness improves work success.

It's not like people who are happy don't feel unhappiness. They do, and it's important. Sometimes unhappiness is a key indicator that you need to change something in your life. You may need to assert yourself more, change jobs, or upgrade or end a relationship that's not working well. The opposite of happiness is actually apathy, when one doesn't care and doesn't believe what you do matters. Positive psychology strives to help people see that what they think, feel, and do does matter a great deal.

Here are some positive psychology strategies for feeling happier:

1. Each day, identify 3 different things you are grateful for. It helps build appreciation.

2. Send a thank you email, note, or give an in person thank you every day. It helps build connection.

3. Reflect each day, and either visualize or write down a little about one meaningful experience you have had recently. Rerun the experience through your mind as if it was happening now.

4. Still your mind for 20 minutes a day. Sit quietly. No distractions. Usher thoughts out as they pop up.

5. Move every day for at least 30 minutes.

6. Notice emotional pain and address it; don't numb it with alcohol, substances or addictive behavior.

7. Reach out to others. Say 'hi" and smile to others you meet throughout the day. Break the self-absorption cycle that many people are caught in.

8. Help someone else, whether officially through volunteering or informally when you are aware of other people's needs and do what you can to lift others up.

Your thoughts, feelings and behaviors matter. Connecting with others and staying focused on your own true north helps. Think of these happiness habits as happiness hygiene. Just like you shower and brush your teeth daily, these behaviors are most effective in lifting your mood if you do them every day. Let's be intentional about doing the things that make us happier and more aware of our impact on each other.

The Connecting Power Of Touch

Loving touch comforts and heals. Many seniors who live alone or in residential settings can go long periods of time without being hugged or touched. Children are happier with generous amounts of it. Couples can't thrive without it. Even our pets crave it. We never outgrow our need for it.

Ashley Montagu was a British anthropologist who wrote a book about the importance of touch. Skin to skin contact is essential for optimal happiness and well-being. Here are some of the things we know from studies about touch:

1. We feel more connected to someone if they touch us.

2.We can communicate many different emotions through touch.

3.The situation, or context for the touch modifies the meaning of it. Does it occur at a bar? With friends? At home?

4.Touch is an essential channel of communication between parents and children.

5. A mother's touch deepens the attachment between mother and child.

6. Even babies like to be touched.  The University of Miami's School of Medicine studied infants, and demonstrated that babies who are massaged by parents sleep better, are less irritable, are more social with other babies, and preemies even grow better when lovingly touched.

7. Generally, we are touched more often when we are little. However, we all need positive touch.
Sometimes when counseling young couples with small children, I find they both touch the babies or children, but the adults may forget (or are too tired) to remember to touch each other.

8.Touch is learned. It varies by culture. I have several young couples in premarital counseling where the differences in how each family uses touch is causing some discomfort and is having to be negotiated. You can also talk with your partner and teach each other how you like to be touched. I like couples to be intentional with each other, and kiss and hug goodbye and hello when they part in the morning and when they reconnect at the end of their day.

9.Touch has reciprocal benefits for both people, the person who is doing the touching, as well as the person being touched. Studies of stress hormones before and after massages confirm the benefit for giver and receiver.

10. Children usually respond beautifully to a little massage of their arms, backs ,
and/or legs before bedtime. It tends to help them transition to sleep better. I encourage parents to consider adding some loving touch into the bedtime routine with babies and children. I often recommend increased loving parent-child touch with anxious children.

11. Touch fosters and communicates intimacy in romantic relationships. I often notice the distance at which couples sit from each other on the couch in my counseling office and whether or not they touch each other during the counseling session.  It gives me a little window in to how they probably treat each other at home.

12. Inappropriate touch is threatening, and touch that feels too personal from strangers can scare people. Generally from the shoulder to the hand would be a less threatening location to touch someone you are not close to.

13.The gender of the sender and receiver of the touch also modify the way the touch is interpreted.

14. At work, a handshake is the best choice for touch. Honoring boundaries and personal space at work is key to being professional, as well as avoiding sexual harassment concerns.

15. In certain situations, like when someone is grieving, or celebrating wonderful news with you,
touch may be better than any words you could find to express support.

How many times have you been touched this week? Have you reached out to connect with loved ones recently with  hugs, and other ways to touch to comfort, connect or reassure? Have you talked with those you are closest to about how they feel about touch? Do you know a child or a senior who might need your loving touch? Think of touch as another tool for connecting you to the people you love, on a skin to skin, visceral level.

Are the Kids Too Busy?

In the Sunday, October 13, 2013, "This Life" column of the New York Times, there was a great article written by Bruce Feiler called, "Monitoring the Giggle Index," which brought up some interesting things for parents to consider. How busy is good for children, and when is it too busy? Several children and teens I see in counseling are feeling stressed about just how many after school activities are on their plates.

Feiler reviews the literature on this topic, including "The Over-Scheduled Child," "The Pressured Child," and "Pressured Parents, Stressed-Out Kids." He points out that in recent years there have been responses that perhaps the concept of stressed out and over-scheduled kids is either overstated or a myth. While there are lots of good things about keeping children and teens busy and channeled, I always like parents to check in with the kids from time to time about how it's going.

It could be that playing 2 sports or taking 8 dance classes a week worked last year, but maybe it's not working so well this year. When school pressure accelerates, there have been changes at home like a divorce, an activity that was positive becomes a negative, or a child or teen is anxious or depressed, it's probably time to revisit and discuss with them what the right mix would be now.

Feiler points out that, at times, it can be hard to find that fine line with enough activities so your child can develop skills and outside interests that boost self-confidence, and when it's overkill. When parents are driven and successful, they can project onto their children. Parents might be anxious themselves, or  overly well-intentioned about helping the kids get into college or play a professional sport.

Most children and teens need a balance with both enrichment activities and down time. Many introverted kids and teens have told me they need some quiet time after extroverting all day with people at school. It's good to be able to dialogue with your child about what they are enjoying, and what the right mix is.

One Jungian psychologist interviewed for the column, Polly Young-Eisendrath, who wrote "The Self-Esteem Trap," feels that some parents in our generation are too wrapped up in every detail of their children's lives. Young-Eisendrath feels that parents can be obsessive, and that time to just hang out in the same room together is also important. Down time, both individually and together as a family, with cell phones and electronics off, is very important.

What can we do to avoid mistakes with making the kids too busy? Pay attention to make sure the activity is motivated from your child's interest, and not yours. Is your child or teen happy or giggly when you drop them off or pick them up from activities? Do them seem exhausted and burned out? We also need to be careful about the words we choose as parents, and the impact they have on our children. Encourage teamwork, or participating in the play, rather than getting the key role or
 maximum playing time. In the real adult life that we are preparing our children for, you don't always play quarterback or get the starring role.

Happiness Is An Inside Job

It seems to me that there are some misguided ideas floating around about happiness. It’s time to clear up some myths about creating a happy life, and clarify what is in our power to do to build more joy and contentment. I'd like to see most people enjoy their lives more, and part of getting there is an inside job—making a choice to be mature and wise about your expectations.

Here are some of the myths about happiness:

1. My partner is supposed to make me happy. Sorry, but happiness is actually an inside job and when you build some you can share it with your partner. You don't extract it from your partner. People that don't get this concept need to keep replacing their partner and getting a new one on a frequent basis, because they don't understand that your life partner doesn't supply your happiness stream. You do.

2. Happiness is about having the most stuff, or the most money. While it's good to be comfortable and have what you need, the relentless pursuit of stuff doesn't generally make people happy. When it comes to the accumulation of stuff, being organized and traveling light often makes people feel less stressed.

3. I'm supposed to be blissfully happy all the time. No, actually it's the challenges and dark moments in your life that help highlight and underscore what real happiness is. I don't think I've ever met an open, reflective person who doesn't experiences some mood variation day to day. That's called NORMAL.

4. I don't need to be grateful to be happy. It's actually quite the opposite. The people who are happiest and most content often have a profound sense of gratefulness for the people in their life and the opportunities they've been given.

5. Happiness has nothing to do with work. Not true. Even Freud knew that we need two things in life to be happy: we need love and we need work. People need a purpose larger than themselves. It gives you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Life isn't supposed to be like a perpetual vacation. You need to contribute something back to our planet to truly be happy. It could be your profession, your art, or your selfless service to others. Realizing that you are not the center of the universe helps put things in perspective, and makes you feel purposeful and significant. Even my patients that are retiring—I want them to retire TO something.

6. Alcohol makes you happy. Alcohol is actually a depressant. When it wears off, you will feel worse. Authentic happiness isn't achieved through the use of alcohol or chemical substances. It's more real.

7. Happiness is the goal. In reality, happiness and joy often find you when you are giving your gift to the universe, in the creative flow, and engaged with people and causes you care about. Happiness is often a by-product, not the only target.

8. Happiness will be delivered by UPS and I can sit here and wait for it. That’s probably not the best plan. You need to be actively involved in life, relationships, projects, and plans to really get the happiness flow going.

9. Getting married will make me happy. Maybe, maybe not. Your own happiness set-point may have more to do with your happiness level. All couples have 4 or 5 perpetual, unsolvable issues they have to learn to dialogue respectfully about. Your partner will be a unique individual with their own wants, needs, and back story. You will need to learn to love, honor, and negotiate. A strong marriage will help you grow to become a better person, but it won't all be cake.

10. Having children will make me happy. There are lots of joys in parenthood, but be aware that sweet little ones who want to please you often grow into teenagers who have their own ideas and need to push back and reject you. The outcome takes longer than you ever think it will. Parenting is a rich life experience, but buyer beware that it's not always fun and full of laughs.

11. Moving will make me happy. It might, but be mindful, as Jon Kabat-Zinn titled his useful book, Wherever You Go, There You Are. A new house or a new area may be fun, but you are required to take you with you! A grumpy, moody person in a beautiful new home or locale is still a grump.

12. I will be happy later (when I am retired, when the children are older, when we have more money, etc). It's a better idea to count your blessings and joys all along the way, and not defer the joy until later. There is nothing certain about later.

Now that's we've debunked a few of those myths, it's time to choose to be happy today. Taking the first few minutes of your morning to meditate and reflect on the people and experiences in your life that you are grateful for is a terrific way to frame the day. Affirm that you choose to feel good, love life, and keep your emotional energy level high by being open to people and experiences that are positive and life-affirming. You can choose to be happy, even in challenging situations. Developing your sense of humor can help. Attitude may not be everything, but leaning in fully to your life and living in an enthusiastic way is sure to increase your happiness quotient.

Happiness is one of those paradoxical things. You have a biological set-point for it, but what you do with your thoughts and your life contributes also. If your thinking is stuck in a negative gear, the irony is that you won't be able to savor and enjoy any blessings or goodness in your life. Happiness is often hidden in appreciating petite joys in everyday life. Sometimes happiness comes in wanting and appreciating who and what you already have in your life. As Kent Keith wrote beautifully in his book Do It Anyway, the things that bring people the deepest happiness and personal meaning are deciding to love people, do good, succeed, be honest and frank, think big, fight for the underdog, help people, and give the world our best. And if people let you down, life disappoints you, others don't deserve it or are self-centered? Do good anyway, because the way to a fulfilled, satisfying, happy, and meaningful life that has integrity is yours, regardless of what anyone else does.

Success, Defined By You

Today's Sunday New York Times has a fun article by Jan Hoffman about modern culture titled "The Good Wife and It's Women".It ponders the cultural relevance of the female characters on the CBS show, and how they cope with their careers,husbands,and families.Ultimately, the show's co-creator,Michelle King, says she likes to consider "at the end of these women's lives,what will success mean to each of them?" The shows lead female characters have all been through loss,disappointment,set-backs and betrayals,personally and/or professionally in their law careers. Sometimes we get to witness the characters lives changing,and the character having to redefine success in new terms.

Real life can cause us to reshuffle the deck,and redefine our personal version of success.Many of us change our ideas about success as we grow older.I always encourage the people I counsel and coach to redefine success for themselves.Clearly, money doen't buy happiness. As we age,we realize that time with the people we care about means a great deal.Having the opportunity to pursue things we are passionate about keeps us young and full of life. Even Freud knew that we need two things in life that we pursue with vigor: love and work.

Success may mean living life with honesty,character,a sense of humor,and faith. Many people decide that being the top person in your office has its' limitations. If you spend too much time chasing career success, your children grow up and depart without really knowing you. Knowing how to have work being a meaningful part of your life,but knowing when to set limits with it, is a great skill. Time and sacred space for your partner,your parents,your children,and yourself is essential.

What is your personal definition of success? Take a moment this week to reflect on how your personal definition of success may have evolved over time.Having your own authorship over how you define success gives you clarity to make decisions about how you spend your life,and acceptance that it is ok for you to have your own, independent view of the world on the topic of success.You can do it your way. Now,wouldn't Frank Sinatra be proud?

Authentic Happiness

Martin Seligman is a psychologist,researcher,writer,former president of the American Psychological Association, and also a self-identified former grouch. This insight about his own tendency to see the negative, and his review of the psychological literature as being mostly illness-focused, lead Seligman to founding Positive Psychology. Instead of researching anxiety and depression, Positive Psychology studies what brings people happiness,satisfaction,and meaning.This week, I enjoyed rereading Seligman's classic book "Authentic Happiness",and rediscovered why I love Martin Seligman and all the great,unexpected surprises he has to teach us.

Would you believe that most of us have a set point for happiness?(This is similar to the natural set point for our weight that we usually return to, even after intense dieting.) Seligman's research suggests that what we can try to do is operate from the high end of our natural happiness range.

What does Seligman observe about happy people?

1. They spend time with other people and have strong,caring relationships. They aren't usually loners.

2. They are more likely to be married. In his study, Seligman noted that 40% of married individuals identified themselves as very happy, compared to 20% of singles. Most truly happy people are in a caring, commited relationship. Married people also tend to live longer.

3.They have a faith.

4.Money isn't that important, once you have a certain level of security.Very poor people are often unhappy and distressed, but even lottery winners return from the initial euphoria to their previous level of happiness within a year. Money can't buy you happiness.

5. More choices don't necessarily make people any happier. It's the commitment we make to the choices we took that make us happier. Sometimes too many choces just make us overwhelmed.(Think of Robin Williams as a Russian immigrant in Moscow on the Hudson,overwhelmed and distressed by all the cereal choices at the American supermarket.)

6.Developing our character strengths also makes us feel happy and satisfied. Cultivating traits like kindness,patience,courage,acceptance, humor,flexibility,and resilency all make us feel more content.This is the largest method of impacting our level of happiness.

I recommend all of Seligman's books on finding happiness,avoiding learned helplessness and leading a positive life.Even Seligman shares he learned to stop raining on the happiness in his family.Do your part to add some happy to the mix in your relationships. Each person is charged with the responsibility of creating our own happiness and sharing it with those we love,rather than squeezing it out of others!

Happiness Lessons From Golden Retrievers

I have a soft spot for golden retrievers. Could be related to the two I live with, Jake and Madison, who are 3 years old and such wonderful companions. They are always in a good mood, happy to see me and the rest of the family. I just never considered before how much they have taught all of us about leading a happy life, until I recently read Dean Koontz's new book, "A Big Little Life: A Memoir of a Joyful Dog"(Hyperion Press,2009).

Dean Koontz is the author of more than twenty #1 New York Times bestsellers, usually fiction. Here lives and writes here in Orange County, California. This gem of a book, however, is about Trixie, his beloved golden retriever, who he had for ten of her years after adopting her when she wasn't able to coninue her training to become a service dog, due to some elbow surgery.

"A Big Little Life" is full of wonderful and wise insights about what Trixie taught Dean and his wife, Gerda, about life, love, and happiness. As Koontz shares, "Trixie didn't need a new Ferrari or a week in Vegas to know joy. For her, bliss was a belly rub, a walk on a sunny day--or in the rain for that matter-- an extra cookie when it wasn't expected, a cuddle, a kind word. She lived to love and receive love, which is the condition of angels".

I loved the writers' tender relections about how Trixie taught them so much. She loved home, and her toys. She liked her walks and mealtimes to be the predictable security in her day. Trixie was curious about nature and people. She only asserted herself when it was necessary, with a bully. She sized people up right away, and Koontz observes that she was usually right. If Trixie didn't like somebody, best to give them up. Trixie wasn't jealous, didn't covet or deceive. Trixie remembered kindnesses and the people who showed them. She loved to play.

Koontz reflects on how Trixie insisted they shorten their work day to 5:00 or 5:30, because Trixie liked having a balanced life with her Mom and Dad, and she preferred they not be compulsive about work. Trixie required Dean and Gerda to learn to take breaks.There is a beautiful and tender quality as Koontz expains how they learned to be totally present with her, listen to her, and understand her. Trixie was grateful for her home with Dean and Gerda koontz, and enjoyed the simple things in life with great deliciousness and delight.

I would recommend this sweet book for any animal lovers, Dean Koontz fans, and everyone who chases happiness. Trixie Koontz also authored several children's books(as told to Dean Koontz),with proceeds going to CCI, Canine Companions for Independence, here in Oceanside, California, where Trixie was trained. Have a happy week, and enjoy the little things. Trixie would have liked it that way.