Teach Your Children Well

We need to raise children that are strong, resilient, and have good coping skills—just in case Plan A doesn't work out. For these reasons, I enjoyed Madeline Levine’s new book, Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success, or Why Values and Coping Strategies Matter More Than Grades, Trophies, or Fat Envelopes (Harper Collins, 2012). In this succinct book, Levine digs deeper than the tiger parent vs. overprotective parent debate, and helps us take a long-term perspective on parenting, and what type of adults we are hoping to launch.

Helping our children find authentic success means assisting them in learning to love learning, develop their own strengths and interests, find productive and meaningful work to support themselves, become capable, resourceful, and resilient, create loving relationships with family and friends, and contribute to our world in some way. That’s more valuable than awards, trophies, honor rolls, or admission to a prestigious college.

Levine reminds us that there is more than one definition to building a successful life. Sometimes it takes us way into adulthood to figure that out. This book gives us encouragement to define our own version of success, and parent with that end in mind. I have wanted for my own children to grow into responsible, kind, capable adults who contribute to the world in their own unique way. I wanted them to be able to cope with not only successes, but also with loss, disappointment, waiting, and developing enough inner resources to create a Plan B,C or D as needed.

Levine has some interesting views on how an over-focus on self-esteem in parenting has left some young adults unprepared for the rejection and frustrations of real life. Authentic self-esteem really comes from feeling capable, not from awards, recognition, or compliments (while those are nice to receive). By being too child-centered, we can add to a narcissistic trait that can develop in our children. It's important for our children to know what they think/feel/want is important, but so are those of others. Ultimately, we are reminded that as parents, teaching our children and teens life skills to increase their independence and ability to function in the world, and how to relate compassionately to others, are among the best gifts we can give them.

In Teach Your Children Well, Levine does an excellent job of defining some of the developmental tasks children need our help with in the elementary school years, the middle school years, and the high school years.

Parenting isn't, as Levine writes, one job. It's really more like different jobs at different developmental points, and we need to make intentional shifts as parents in order to help our children and teens move along on their own path to an authentically successful life of their own. We don't want to become so child-centered, overprotective, over-scheduled, or allowing of dependency on us that we fail to help our children prepare to launch. Taking a long-term perspective helps. Our long-term goal in parenting should be to work ourselves out of a job, and launch a well-balanced, strong young adult who can live, love, work, play, and cope well. Teach Your Children Well has some great ideas for the journey.

Staying Power: I Won't Give Up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1-4u9W-bns

Recently I heard a beautiful new song by singer/songwriter Jason Mraz called"I Won't Give Up."

It has a very pretty melody, but I especially liked the message of the lyrics. It always amazes me how music can go places and reach us in ways that words alone often can't.

Years ago, when I was working with cancer patients and doing hospice counseling, I had the honor of getting to work with an interdisciplinary team from the hospital that included a very gifted music therapist. She would play favorite songs or hymns for our mutual patients on the oncology floor at the hospital, or on our home visits with patients who were on hospice at the very end of their lives. Incredible things happened. Sometimes a patient who was relatively withdrawn or unresponsive would brighten and remember favorite songs from the past. They might even sing the lyrics from memory. Music can really impact each of us in powerful and healing ways.

At times, music can express emotional states and experiences, and capture them for us. With Mraz's new song, I felt moved by his message. "I Won't Give Up" is a powerful statement of resiliency, faith, and hope. When I am working at counseling couples, I am often struck by how much we need to dig deep and really try to learn and grow in intimate relationships.

It may seem easier to give up when we realize key differences between ourself and the other person, but the easiest choice isn't always our best path for growing into a stronger, more flexible, more loving person. Holding onto the resolve to choose to stay and grow can be a powerful life decision. If we give up easily, we avoid growth. Couples therapist and researcher John Gottman talks about each couple having a few perpetual, unresolvable issues. What matters is learning to dialogue about them with love and respect. Guess what happens if you trade in your partner and get a new one? Answer: You get a whole new set of perpetual,unsolvable issues you will come to identify within a couple of years. Grow now, or grow later. It's your choice.

There are situations where committed relationships should end. If your partner is abusive, refusing to deal with their addictive/chemically dependent behavior, or putting you and your children at risk with their dangerous behavior, you must act. You must give up to protect yourself and any children in such circumstances.

In many committed relationships, however, I encourage couples to dig deep and stay close through challenges. Mraz's song talks of hanging in there even if the"skies are dark." His lyrics also reference understanding differences with your partner, appreciating and accepting them. Mraz notes the value of learning to be flexible, and understanding how being a better, less rigid partner will help you grow personally. I often am struck by how powerful it is to help couples see that there are usually two correct (and different) perspectives on whatever issue they are stuck on. File this under,"Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"

It occurs to me also with our children and teenagers, it is helpful to cultivate this "I Won't Give Up" mindset, even if they are going through a particularly difficult phase where they are acting out, rude, defiant, depressed, angry, etc. Keep on providing the calm, loving presence and set those limits. Get professional help. Find someone who can test and guide them if they are having learning issues. Find a good family therapist to help if the relationship between parent and child is breaking down. Work through it until you get to the other side. You will be glad you did for the rest of your life.

Even in thinking about individuals, this need to never lose hope is relevant. We may go through very difficult or disheartening experiences, but it is important to assess the impact, do extreme self care, and begin again. Some very challenging life experiences teach us, grow us, and tenderize us. I call it the Appreciation School of Life, because when better things happen later in life, you profoundly appreciate it. Don't give up on yourself.

I guess, upon reflection, I like Jason Mraz's new song so much because as a therapist, I feel much of what I spend my life working with people on is really, at the core, about resiliency and hope. Learning to grow from the losses and challenges in life is essential. Holding onto hope for rebuilding or strengthening your relationship, believing in yourself to go on, and not giving up on your children all have something in common. It all takes the ability to hang in there, and being open to learning and growing along the journey of your life. I wouldn't trade this work for any other work I can think of. It feels like a privilege to help people recapture their strength, hope, and ability to do better as they know more. Nice job, Jason.

Raising Confident, Capable Children

I got a call this week from a PTA rep at an elementary school near my office who asked me to come and speak in a couple weeks about 'Raising Capable, Confident Children' at a morning meeting for parents at the school. I happily accepted, and have been perusing my file on presentations I have given on the past on this topic. I am reflecting from my twenty years counseling parents, children, and teens about how important it is to help raise children who are responsible, kind, hard-working, honest, and self-motivated.

As a parent myself, with children in late high school, college, and launching out to adult life on their own after college, I see the importance more than ever of parenting with our long-term purpose in mind. My goal has been to launch 3 capable young adults into the world, who have determination and resiliency, set goals and work towards them, and live with integrity and kindness. I want them to have healthy relationships, with give and take, and develop their own voice both in relationships and in the world. I want them each to find their purpose in the world of work, so that they can contribute and have the high self-esteem that comes with being able to support yourself.

As parents, how do we help to create this?

Our parenting style matters. Are we dictators, who threaten, punish, yell, and threaten? Are we doormat parents, who don't have any clear rules and are afraid to say no, needing to be our child's buddy? Or are we active parents, who are loving, but also have clear family rules and responsibilities, set limits, and give consequences that are consistently and calmly enforced? These parenting styles result in differential outcomes.I see it happen with the families I work with. I see it in my own family.

How do we teach our children to be responsible? This character trait is best taught in little lessons all along the parenting journey. Even small children can be taught to feed a pet, set the table, or keep their room picked up. We can role model doing Saturday chores together as a family. As children grow up, we can be mindful to watch for all of the little lessons and skills we can teach them along the path to growing up. We can increase a teen's confidence by helping them learn to do their own laundry, cook a few meals, become a safe driver, and learn how to do household tasks that they will be glad they know later. We cannot overprotect or make them weaker. We can teach them how to manage a small amount of money, and later how to get a part-time job and learn about being on time, the value of money earned, and dealing with the public.

How can we teach our children healthy relationship skills? We can model using them, by not being a hot reactor, talking through conflicts, and communicating effectively with them. I taught Active Parenting classes for parents for many years, and so admire parents who weren't sure how to be an effective parent, not wanting to repeat their own parents' mistakes, and dedicated the 12 hours it took to take the Active Parenting series with me. We can listen to our children. We can ask them how they see things. We can hold family meetings, where everyone gets the information on what's happening in our family, learns to express themselves and have a say, and solve problems or make fun plans together. We can learn to be an approachable parent, and not block communication between us and our child. We can demonstrate the importance of mutual respect in the family by our own behavior. We give them our respect, and we require it from them, as well.

As a parent, we don't have to be perfect, and our children don't expect that. We should, however, be able to apologize if we are wrong, and role model how to make repairs in a relationship. We need to spend positive time together with our child, teaching them things, doing activities together, and helping and encouraging their effort and growth in their schoolwork, sports, activities, courage, self-initiative, and leadership. I've seen too many parents over the years that were just critical, and didn't see the tremendous positive influence they could have on their child by encouraging the best in them.

Each child is different, and comes with their own strengths, challenges, and temperament.

Our challenge, if we choose to face it, is to figure out who you've been sent, what their natural strengths are, and help them by teaching them and equipping them for adult life in every way that you can. The more socially skilled, responsible, resilient, and motivated your child can become, the brighter their future can be. You'll leave this planet better because of the child you are leaving behind, and working yourself out of a job. That's success for a parent, and it feels wonderful.