Connecting with your Children: Ten Tips

Most parents feel guilty about not spending enough time with their children, but a recent Pew research study shows something different. Comparing modern dads to dads in the 1970's, present day dads now spend on average three times as much time with the kids. Mothers have increased the amount of time they spend with the children by 57%, even with more mothers working. Perhaps instead of looking at the amount of time, we should look at the quality of it.

Children and teens often complain in counseling that parents seem distracted when they are with them. They notice when we park our cell phones and give them our full, undivided attention. They crave time where we are paying attention and are truly available to them. (Actually our adult partner also craves this.)

We can be so focused on driving them to school, sports and lessons that we become more of a driver than a parent. It's also possible to overemphasize achievement, and overlook the need children and teens have to just spend time together with us as a family.

How can you create ways to get closer as a family?

1. Listen to music together. Have your teen share about their favorite music with you. A study published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology in 2014 showed that listening to music together as a family builds bonds, especially in the teen years.

2. Get outside together and go on adventures.

3. Use car time to chat with the kids. Listen more than you speak.

4. Join their world. Ask about their friends, homework, what they did at school. Be interested.

5. Create rituals for connection: morning rituals, Sunday dinners, movie nights, pizza night, reading aloud as a family, at bedtime or make a board game night.

6. Plan 1:1 dates with each child or teen. Keep this up into college and beyond if you can and they are close enough geographically.

7. Hold family meetings to discuss changes, chores, vacations, sharing responsibilities and chores.

8. Take family vacations. Research shows it builds bonds as you experience new places together as a team.

9. Invite your children to have their friends over to play. Make room for your teen to host get-togethers with you home to serve snacks and keep an eye on things.

10. Pray and worship together.

There is more to life than speed. Cultivating these parenting patterns will help you build stronger family relationships and help you get to know the people your children are becoming. Don't feel guilty about working, instead be intentional about creating closeness and time to relax and play together.

Do You Speak Love Languages?

Some books you read and never think about ever again. Some books you remember. Gary Chapman's classic book about relationships, "The Five Love Languages", is the second type. Chapman's book was published years ago now, but it has a simple but elegant idea which I still draw from when I'm coaching clients about improving and strengthening their relationships.

With couples, it is so important to understand the differences between the two of you and to grow to appreciate and work with them. Often people assume that their partner thinks, feels, or needs what they do. Surprise! They probably don't. You need to ask. This is a simple but incredibly important concept, that you need to love people you love in the way they can best receive it, not in the way that you like to give or receive it.

The concept of love languages is useful not just in couples relationships, but also in parent-child relationships, and other close family and friend relationships. It's an easy and fun conversation to start with someone you care about. How do you like to be shown that I love and care about you? Here's what I prefer from you.

Here are the five love languages:

1.Words of affirmation- verbal or written feedback about your significance to the other person. This could include encouragement, praise, compliments, and kind words that build the other person up. The words say, "I see you. I care about you. I appreciate you I value you. I cherish you".

2.Quality time spent together- this should be time spent giving that person your complete and undivided attention. Minimize all distractions. The attention should be individualized, perhaps doing something together you both enjoy. Make eye contact. Put away your cell phone, ipad, computer, or book. Focus on being completely present. Do active listening, where you ask questions to understand more deeply.

3.Gifts-they don't have to be expensive. It's more the idea that you thought about the other person. It could be as small as leaving your partner a pack of gum or chocolate they love, or bringing them a flower. For people who have this as their love language, anniversary and birthday gifts hold great meaning, and unexpected gifts on regular days really makes them melt.

4.Acts of service- some people like to be shown that their partner loves them by having them do a loving action. It could be filling your car with gas, or cleaning the house, or pruning the roses, or doing something kind for your aging parent. These are thoughtful acts that put love into action.

4.Physical touch- For optimal emotional and physical health and well-being,  each of us need to be touched and hugged in a loving way multiple times per day. Your children need it, and the adults that are close to you usually want it. To some people it is the most important way to be close and make them feel loved and needed.

Which language is your preferred way to receive love? This might be a fun conversation to have this week with someone you love. Whether it's your partner, your child, your parent, or a dear friend that you cherish, it always feels good to have someone take the time to find out what your currency is. Chapman's book gives lots of examples from relationships and is a fast and useful read.