tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23456330466405875372024-03-13T18:19:52.666-07:00Life LessonsObservations, insights, and tools for creating a meaningful life and building satisfying, close relationships by therapist and life coach Christyn Nelson, MFT. Check back for updated posts once or twice each week! For more information about my counseling and coaching services, see www.christynnelson.comLife Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.comBlogger327125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-80130205066663865572020-03-29T19:53:00.002-07:002020-03-29T19:53:54.114-07:00Taking Care of Your Emotional Health During the Coronavirus PandemicAmericans are just getting settled into our new temporary normal, as we join people from around the world in staying home and social distancing to help flatten the curve of the novel coronavirus. Uncertainty is one of the most difficult situations to deal with emotionally. It can make us feel anxious, afraid or depressed. We are also isolated from some of the other people we care about, and most of our normal routines.<br />
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This situation is unusual and is impacting everyone around the world. We are grieving. There are so many losses: work, financial concerns, regular contact in person with friends and family, normal<br />
exercise routines, the pattern of your day, and the freedom to go out and do the things you like to do. When we are grieving losses, we go through the emotional tasks of mourning. These tasks include:<br />
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1.Accepting the reality of the losses/change<br />
2.Experience the pain of the loss/express it to someone<br />
3.Adapt to the new environment or change<br />
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At we go through this time, it is very important to care of yourself and the people you care about.<br />
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If you have children in your home, please limit the amount of news you have on. Adults set the emotional tone for children. Try to stay calm, be reassuring, and make sure to play. Many parents who are not teachers by profession are now in a role teaching as well as running the household and maybe working remotely from home. Be patient with yourself and with your children. Normally most parents spend 20 minutes a day with children under 18 who live at home, so this is a good time to connect. Don't overwhelm kids or teens talking about the pandemic. You may want to ask them what they already know, and if they have any questions.<br />
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Children can also learn to do some age-appropriate chores to help the family, like caring for pets, setting or clearing the table, and making their own beds. Teens can be taught other daily life skills like doing their own laundry or cooking some simple meals while you have time to instruct on this.<br />
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Creative activity like drawing, painting, dancing and music are deeply relaxing for all ages. If you have a patio, backyard or deck, planting some vegetables and flowers could be fun to attend to each day.<br />
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Remember that teens and college students are also experiencing loss and stress. It's a big adjustment to do remote learning, and they miss the in-person contact with their friends. They are missing sports, dances, hanging out with friends, clubs, life at college and possibly graduation.<br />
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For adults and children, try to create new routines and patterns that will work for you.It's good to get up at a set time, get showered and dressed. Eat at regular set mealtimes. Try to exercise daily, even if it's dancing in your living room or walking the dog in your neighborhood while you stay at a 6 foot distance from others. Exercise helps you deal with stress. Limit the amount of news. Ease up on your expectations of yourself and others.<br />
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Create routines for winding down in the evening the last hour before bedtime. Limit caffeine and alcohol use. Don't watch the news before going to bed, as it is likely to make it harder to sleep. Instead, try winding down with reading, quiet music that you find comforting or meditation. There are a number of great meditation aps you can put on your phone, including Calm and Headspace for adults. Smiling Mind is a terrific ap for helping children meditate that is free.<br />
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If you have a partner who is going through this with you, be kind. Ask for what you need. Be appreciative. Create boundaries if you are sharing space so you can have some separate space to work or be in as well as times to connect. Communicate with your partner about what they are doing that is helpful to you. Ask what you can do to make this home confinement period easier for them. Apologize and own it if you lash out in anger or impatience. Partners will have less autonomy and more time together than normal, so learning to negotiate with each other and respect each other's needs is critically important.<br />
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If you live alone, it's key to stay connected by phone calls, FaceTime, Zoom and email. Let others know that you want to check in with them daily.<br />
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If you know older family members or neighbors, or people who live alone or are medically vulnerable or out of work, reach out to be supportive. It feels good to see that you can still help someone else.<br />
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All of this change and loss is likely to cause some people to notice that it increases anxiety or depression to a level that it impacts daily functioning. If you need support and help, know that mental health professionals are essential services and are still working and available to meet with you in person, or remotely by teletherapy ( either a phone session or video call).<br />
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Hopefully, there will be lessons learned from this difficult time in our lives. Our values and priorities will likely look different when we get to the other side of it. People and relationships may be important to us than ever. Give yourself and your loved ones as much grace as you can. Even in these difficult time with being quarantined in this coronavirus pandemic and dealing with so much loss, we can do what writer Dan Buetner calls the 4 ingredients for happiness: someone to love, something to do,something to look forward to, and something to give back. Stay well!<br />
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<br />Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-31991021989423532192016-10-16T21:06:00.000-07:002016-12-05T13:27:06.160-08:00Letting Go of Self-Limiting Beliefs<br />
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Is your past interrupting your present? Most people carry some wounds and beliefs from childhood, where you may have had negative things said to you by parents,siblings,friends or extended family. By becoming aware of beliefs we carry that no longer serve us, we can create new options.<br />
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There may be a nagging little voice in your head that you first heard in childhood. Perhaps this negative soundtrack keeps following you around in your adult life. Pretty much everyone has some self-limiting beliefs. Becoming aware of yours will help you be able to question them when they come up. Instead of taking them as fact, you can consider that they may or may not be accurate.<br />
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Self-limiting beliefs can hold you back from developing and advancing in your career. They can also cause you to limit yourself and restrict your choices, as well as making unsatisfying relationship decisions and fear-based patterns of behavior.<br />
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Each of us have these four emotional needs ( the four A's):<br />
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1.Attention<br />
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2.Acceptance<br />
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3.Affection<br />
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4.Appreciation<br />
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When we don't get these needs met sufficiently in childhood, we develop self-limiting beliefs that help us explain why. The most common self-limiting beliefs are:<br />
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I'm not lovable just the way I am.<br />
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I'm not worthy.<br />
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I'm not deserving of happiness.<br />
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I'm not good enough.<br />
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I'm a bad person because of something I've done in the past.<br />
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Limiting beliefs cause us to limit our opportunities for growth. They shrink our happiness and joy. They keep us stuck repeating the same old unhealthy patterns in our lives and in our closest relationships.Our limiting beliefs create negative feelings, and cause us to do less self-care, be more passive and to challenge ourselves less.<br />
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One effective way to move past limiting beliefs is to recall what you were praised for and what you were criticized for in childhood. Write the down and reflect on the messages you internalized that no longer suit you.Consider creating a release ritual such as burning your list of the limiting beliefs you want to let go of, or throwing a few stones that represent the limiting beliefs into a lake or the ocean or off a mountain. Thisceremony can mark you let the limiting beliefs go.<br />
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Daily meditation is another useful technique to help you connect with your true nature and let the limiting beliefs go. Before you meditate, ask yourself these 4 universal questions:<br />
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1. Who am I?<br />
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2.What do I want?<br />
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3.What is my purpose?<br />
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4.What am I grateful for?<br />
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Letting go of outdated beliefs that limit you allows you to think about your authentic self, what you want to experience and give to others and how you can become a better and braver version of yourself. Being aware of limiting beliefs that we accepted can help us see situations more objectively, and allow us more freedom.<br />
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<br />Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-74272020942874162692016-09-29T20:59:00.001-07:002016-09-29T20:59:18.655-07:00Healing the Heart Through Art and Music<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Art and music can both be excellent mediums to help you access and process memories, feelings and experiences. I was reminded of this while working with one of my counseling clients recently who is learning to cope with a family member's life threatening illness.<br />
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Music can be a universal resource. It can help an individual who is grieving to process the loss, perhaps by evoking memories of music that reminds you of the beloved. A chill playlist on your phone or tablet can be the perfect way to calm down for 20 minutes when you are stressed, flooded emotionally and need to cool down so you don't lash out at someone you love. Then, when your cooler head prevails, you can productively discuss the issue with the other person involved.<br />
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Music is also a creative parenting strategy. Trying to help engage preschoolers with assisting you in cleaning up? Dealing with a grumpy, tired preteen or teenager in your car after school? Looking for subtle ways to lift your mood in the morning? Wanting to create a warm, loving atmosphere at home? Creative use of music can fit beautifully in each of these scenarios. Teens love to school parents while in the car commuting about what kind of music they like, and this is a great way to build a bridge to them emotionally. If little ones are squabbling, drown them out with the score to Hamilton. Music is also a beautiful part of a bedtime routine for parents and younger children.Think outside the box on your selections.<br />
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Music reaches us in amazing and deep ways. I can remember as I began my counseling career working with hospice patients, their families and a wonderful music therapist in a hospital and on home visits. Some patients were unresponsive until the music therapist brought out her auto-harp and played hymns or songs they loved as children. Patients who were unresponsive began to move a little or respond in ways that hadn't been seen in days.<br />
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I often use art---drawing, painting, collages and art projects--- while working with children and some teens who like creative activity as a way to help them relax and be able to access feelings in counseling sessions.It can make children and teens less self-conscious while they are sharing.<br />
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We know that art, like music, can take you into a deeply relaxed state of mind where you can free up your ability to feel and express emotion. There are places that art and music can take you that words cannot touch. Here's a little art experiment to try on your own for using art to heal.<br />
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Find a quiet place where you can work uninterrupted with some paper or canvas art board and some acrylic paint in multiple colors.<br />
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Pick two colors to work with to express your feelings.<br />
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Paint one area of the canvas to represent something that is negative or difficult in your life now, and that you hold some upset or angry feelings about.<br />
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With the second color, paint a place that represents who else is involved in the situation that is upsetting you.<br />
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In another place on your canvas, paint about the consequence of this situation that is upsetting to you or that you are holding on to anger about.<br />
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Next, consider something in your life that brings you happiness, joy or light in your life right now. Think of something or someone you are grateful for. Paint a section to represent this positive element, person or situation.<br />
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If you wish, you can either reflect on what shows up in your painting, or share it with someone you trust.<br />
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Both art and music allow us a path into our interior life and access to emotions that might not be reached just with words. In the words of Victor Hugo,"music expresses that which can not be said and on which it is impossible to be silent." Painter Georgia O'Keefe wrote of making art that, "whether you succeed or not is irrelevant, there is no such thing. Making your unknown known is the important thing." Think of creative endeavors with art and music as a tool and a resource to explore what you are feeling, process emotions and help you shift a mood when necessary, in a healthy way.<br />
<br />Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-31828540837021387932016-08-16T08:36:00.001-07:002016-08-16T08:50:56.661-07:00Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership With Your Child<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Don't we all want to raise children who become problem solvers, empathetic, collaborative and insightful? Benjamin Franklin wrote, "Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn." In the busyness of daily life, it can be challenging not to just handle things yourself as a parent, and remember to involve your children or teens in problem solving with you whenever possible.<br />
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Ross W. Green, PhD, has a great new book that can give you examples of how to parent to build these traits in your children. <i>Raising Human Beings: Creating A Collaborative Partnership With Your Child</i> (Scribner, 2016) is the most recent book by Dr. Greene, who taught at Harvard Medical School for twenty years, and now is a founding director of the nonprofit group Lives in the Balance.<br />
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Ross Greene suggests we develop collaborative relationships with our children, where we have more influence than control. We need our children's input and feedback to effectively help them solve problems. We need to watch for when our children need help, but not offer it too soon, or preempt the child's ability to learn to solve problems themselves and grow stronger.<br />
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We want to be aware of helping our children develop their own identity, separate from ours. We want them to find healthy individuation. When that doesn't happen, Ross coins it "identity foreclosure", which is when a young person doesn't explore their own self-identity, but just blindly accepts the identity defined for them by parents. Instead, we want to support our children in creating identity achievement, where they have a well-defined self-concept and identity. We want them to know who they are as an individual, and what they believe, what they value and where they are going in life.<br />
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In parenting, we play a critical role by communicating with our child in a style that can make our influence useful and constructive in their life. We also need to be open to learning about parenting, life and the world through our children's input and unique contributions. If we can be balanced, calm and centered, we are more likely to be able to influence our children positively.<br />
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It's normal to have expectations for our children. If they aren't meeting our expectations, Ross suggests we involve the child in defining the problem and brain-storming some solutions. He suggests we remember that children want to do well and generally do well if they can. We have to deal with what we are dealt as parents. Instead of the parent deciding what the problem is alone and solving it alone, we do better if we involve the child whenever possible. As I work in counseling parents do implement Active Parenting, we find this collaborative style works better and gets buy-in from your child. In this book, Ross goes through a number of situations and plays out the parent giving a punishment versus the parent and child solving the problem together which is useful.<br />
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Our long-term goal is to build a collaborative, lifelong relationship with our children, and helping them prepare to be problem-solvers themselves. It's interesting to think about your own relationship with your parents when you were growing up. Did you open up to your mom or dad when you had difficulty with something as a child or a teen? If you didn't, it may have been that they were critical, angry, judgmental or anxious. If you did, it's probably because you could count on your mom or dad listening, collaborating, asking you for your thoughts or solutions and being encouraging. Let's be those parents who can be calm and collaborative. I appreciated that the author includes the college years of parenting in a collaborative style as well.<br />
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Perhaps no other role in your life will challenge you and polish you up as much as being a parent. No other job you do is ever more important. Playing our part well as parents is key, no matter what child you get. Being open to learning and becoming a positive influence is a pattern of parenting that could become your best legacy to your family. Ross Greene's book may help you get there.Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-60537238923712948882016-08-08T09:30:00.001-07:002016-08-08T09:30:49.206-07:00Do Your Friends Actually Like You?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A new research study suggests that only about half of perceived friendships are considered mutual. The misunderstanding could be due to our own optimism or to the limited amount of time most people have for best friends. Either way, it's worth your time to identify your own true friends! <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/07/opinion/sunday/do-your-friends-actually-like-you.html?_r=0" target="_blank">Read the New York Times article here for more information on this research.</a>Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-54611594385355861012016-07-19T08:50:00.000-07:002016-07-19T08:52:36.612-07:00Being Aware of Your Own Blind Spots<br />
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Here is a great tool for understanding more about your blind spots in how you perceive yourself and how you relate to others: it's called Johari's Window. It was developed by two psychologists, Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham. They combined their first names (ala Brangelina or Kimye) to come up with this name for their concept. It's a useful construct to help each of us become more aware of ourselves and others.<br />
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Writer Anais Nin wrote that, "we don't see things as we are, we see things as we are." Luft and Ingham designed Johari's window to help us begin to see ourselves and the people close to us in a more complete way. They constructed four quadrants of perception that are organized to look like a four-paned window. Each of the four sections represents one area of perception. Those areas are:<br />
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1. Free/Open- These are bits of information we know about ourselves and everyone else knows about us, too. This would be things that someone walking by could tell: our gender, our age range, eye and hair color. These are facts that are commonly accessible to all.<br />
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2. Hidden- This is the information about ourselves that is hidden from others, and only known to ourselves. These are our "secrets."<br />
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3. Blind- This is the area of our perception where we each have blind spots, and other people we are in relationship with know some things about us that we don't know ourselves. This is the area where tremendous growth is possible if we are open to learning more about how we are seen and experienced by our partner, our children, our parents, and others we are close to. It is also an area where feedback, if delivered well, can spur us on to be more self-aware.<br />
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4. Unknown- This is the area of understanding about things that neither we or those closest to us know about us.<br />
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If you wish, you can use the Johari's Window concept to grow yourself and your ability to integrate what those closest to you can tell you about your blind spots. When we become more fully known in a relationship over time, we ideally self-disclose, share more, and hide less of ourself with "secrets." This causes what therapists consider "deepening"of a relationship.</div>
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We can also become open to giving and asking for feedback from the intimate other. Feedback should never be given in anger or to relieve tension. The best relationship feedback is specific, descriptive, and non-judgmental. It is focused on the here and now, not the past. Don't give advice to the other person, simply share your perception of their behavior, and how it makes you feel in the relationship with them. Only give feedback if asked.<br />
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What a wonderful tool we have to use if we are willing to ask those closest to us from time to time questions like:<br />
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When do you feel closest to me emotionally?</div>
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When do you feel most disconnected from me?</div>
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What behaviors do I do that contribute to you feeling closer? More distant?</div>
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How am I doing in my relationship with you?<br />
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If we can be undefended about feedback, we can develop to be more loving, available, and connected with those who really matter. It's almost like those we love hold the information about our relational blind spots, and can guide us to become better people if we are open to it.</div>
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Perception really is our reality. Johari's Window helps us to see that there are often several realities from a relationship perspective. If we think we are always right, we are probably not taking seriously enough the growth we can make by learning about how we look and how the relationship looks from the other person's view. You might ask for a little feedback this week, and learn a little about yourself. It's a shift that will make you better, more grounded, and real. </div>
Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-75209404660811730952016-06-27T15:44:00.000-07:002016-06-28T05:32:39.296-07:00Middle School Years Hardest for Moms<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The middle school years from grades 6 through 8 are a time of big transition for families as children become teens, deal with the hormonal changes of puberty, and move from an often supportive elementary school setting to the world of middle school where parents aren't as involved at school. A 2016 study of 2,200 mostly well-educated mothers found that mothers of middle school students also struggle. Mothers report more distress and less well-being when their children hit grades 6 to 8. Mothers of infants and grown children are happiest, according to the study, lead by Suniya Luthar, a psychology professor and researcher at Arizona State University at Tempe.<br />
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Researchers expected to find that mothers of infants are similarly stressed as the levels experienced by mothers of middle-schoolers, but they are not. The University of Arizona's research team believes this might be because infants are exhausting, but are also intensely rewarding to hold and cuddle. Middle-schoolers are usually not as rewarding or cuddly. Their developmental task is beginning to make them seek individuation from parents and push parents away.<br />
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Other factors probably also impact parents' levels of satisfaction. Many parents know their children's friends, classmates and a community of other parents and teachers. When the middle school transition begins, students often interact at school with minimal parent involvement, and moms may feel more disconnected as students share less about their world, their school experiences and their friends. A number of the middle school students I see in counseling long for the independence of being dropped off to see a movie or spend time with friends without a parent accompanying them. Parents can suffer a big fall from grace, as the big need that our children had for us in younger years begins to change.<br />
<br />
Parents' confidence in their abilities to discipline, influence and communicate with their child all decline in the middle school years. It's important not to buy in to stereotypes about teens which lump them all together as negative. Friendships with other parents of middle school age children and parenting classes can really help mitigate the sense of distress and isolation, as well as normalize the developmental parenting shifts that are happening.<br />
<br />
Parents of middle school students need to get support from each other as less emotional rewards come in from their children. It's also important to shift and continue to connect with children, but in different ways. For example, providing space for your teen or preteen to have friends over at your home and provide snacks but remain on the periphery. Continue to reach out to connect with middle- schoolers at dinnertime and in the car, and having them teach you some things when you can.<br />
<br />
It's been said that preteens and teens are building a house of self, and that they need to be able to set some boundaries and separation from us in order to feel they are opening and closing the doors in their house.They let us in close at times and close us out at others. It's our job as parents to be there, be loving and interested and not too needy. Keep that in mind when your sweet child asks you to drop them off down the block from their middle school or high school so no one sees you. It's a bittersweet passage that is necessary so they can begin preparing to separate from us and begin those first steps towards becoming their own person.Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-4231925244899518132016-06-13T08:04:00.000-07:002016-06-13T09:09:36.949-07:00Honoring Our Dads, Stepdads and Granddads <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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With Father's Day approaching this Sunday, I think it's time we all pause
and reflect to honor good dads everywhere. Many times, Father's Day
gets trampled on by Mother's Day, graduations, and spring birthdays. It's just
not fair. Fathers and the other important good men in our lives who
nurture, develop, inspire and support children, teens, and young adults deserve
the spotlight all on their own.<br />
<br />
Together, let's reach out to the men in our lives who make a difference,
both to us and to our children, because they suit up, show up, and do the right
thing. These are the good men who show us that women do not corner the market
on nurturing and supporting others. They might be our fathers, stepfathers,
grandfathers, uncles, or family friends. What they have in common is taking a
loving concern for the young people in their lives, and doing all they can to
be a positive male influence. We salute you. You make a huge difference.<br />
<br />
Men and women are different, and we provide children and young adults with
different things. I often think of it as women bringing children INTO the world
and men taking children OUT into the world, helping them launch into the adult
world, separate from their mother, and become a successful adult. All our
lives, we benefit from having a positive, kind male role model we respect and
can turn to for advice. It's not that you can't succeed without that support;
it just makes it so much easier. It gives you a firm foundation. You have
someone to ask about the exclusively male perspective on life, and ask for
their input or guidance.<br />
<br />
Good dads stay connected to their children, whether or not they are still
married to that child's mother. They stay involved and actively engaged with
their child or children all their lives. We hope that our marriages endure, but
the parent-child relationship must endure all your life. In research by the
Center for the Family in Transition in Mill Valley, California, Judith
Wallerstein, Ph.D., and her team has done the longest study to date on outcomes
for children of divorce. One of the worst things that can possibly happen to
children in their parents' divorce is that their father disengages, in terms of
emotional support, time, and financial support. I often caution parents I
counsel not to do this. Parents who love their children stay involved, no
matter what.<br />
<br />
Grandfathers, stepfathers, and uncles can all be critically important roles,
defined by who plays the role and how you play it. It's messy to get involved.
You have to give---time, attention, listening, support. You can receive
incredible rewards by becoming a positive male influence. You might be the only
chance a particular child in your life has to know a honest, kind,
nurturing, grounded man. Both girls and boys need the positive male adult
energy to have successful careers and relationships later on.<br />
<br />
This week, give some affirmation and applause to the good men in your life
who nurtured and supported you, or who give that love and positive male role
modeling to your children. Stand-up guys are sometimes taken for granted, but
they really shouldn't be. Strong, kind, loyal and devoted men are an incredible
blessing, both to good women and to building a wonderful next generation.
We honor you for defining what a good man is really like.Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-76850386230423450132016-06-02T20:47:00.002-07:002016-06-02T20:49:01.954-07:00New York Times Article: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMudVkTx_bZNtZs-qhUDsY1Gcx_yVmHy8F2HwV-WY6v-PWyABaFC3KZmVNhy5KiwMp75oQDiXJatBHkTUiaeypcCtnfFwoN_xFYygm6svoMSRR52eCSHd_1G77QQs9SJl3O6zQ3Czidxn5/s1600/maxresdefault.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMudVkTx_bZNtZs-qhUDsY1Gcx_yVmHy8F2HwV-WY6v-PWyABaFC3KZmVNhy5KiwMp75oQDiXJatBHkTUiaeypcCtnfFwoN_xFYygm6svoMSRR52eCSHd_1G77QQs9SJl3O6zQ3Czidxn5/s400/maxresdefault.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">An
essay by writer/philosopher Alain De Botton from last Sunday's New York Times
has great relationship advice with a healthy amount of skepticism about finding
one right partner, and a realistic view about learning how to become mature,
flexible and negotiate differences gracefully. Read the article </span><a href="http://mobile.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #420178;">here</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">!</span></div>
Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-76250902411927065222016-04-25T07:36:00.000-07:002016-04-25T07:41:34.369-07:00Between Mothers and Daughters<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS-h6vpCd_ntO1LUepuJmTNcVHTYOeKx2FzV6ka8yBOoi-2GgTF0txe4zDX0yGzby0guL2AOgxJOAaMIoJEDyQz3hxeE8JMxyFuOvsZ4f-Ctg75N3M8i792DSh0m4F90pDFDzK4vpQGVKx/s1600/three_generations.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS-h6vpCd_ntO1LUepuJmTNcVHTYOeKx2FzV6ka8yBOoi-2GgTF0txe4zDX0yGzby0guL2AOgxJOAaMIoJEDyQz3hxeE8JMxyFuOvsZ4f-Ctg75N3M8i792DSh0m4F90pDFDzK4vpQGVKx/s400/three_generations.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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What is it about the mother/daughter relationship that makes it often so intense, whether intensely positive or negative? Why are women rarely neutral about their bond with their mothers?<br />
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One recent study of family relationship based on cell phone bills showed that for most older women, their most frequent daily calls were with their daughter, if they had one.<br />
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When I ask women in individual or couples counseling about the "life script" they got from their mother, useful information emerges. As an adult woman, the more you can understand about your mother, the more you can grow to understand about yourself. It is important to look behind the "mask" of the mother role. Understanding the woman she is---her background, her growing up years, her beliefs, and her relationships, may shed a great deal of light on how she mothered you.<br />
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Your own life may build from a foundation of her values, fears, and beliefs; or your life may be, in part, a reaction to your mother's. For example, a woman may react strongly to her mother playing a voiceless/childlike role with her husband, and in the daughter's own marriage she may be quite focused on not being taken advantage of.<br />
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In examining the life script you received about being a woman, consider the family your mother came from. Was she born into an advantaged or disadvantaged family? How many siblings were there to compete with for parental attention? Was the family stable, or did she deal with a great deal of change and instability? Were the children nurtured by anyone? What hopes and dreams did she have for her own life? Did she benefit from a good education, or is she a self-made woman? What are her beliefs about men, marriage, raising children, faith, and a woman's role in the family? How did she appear to you as a child? Was she joyful or joyless? Was she a strong woman, or a martyr?<br />
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The fit between your temperament and your mother's is an important factor in determining how close you are to her. Stella Chess, MD, has done extensive research to determine the factor of "goodness of fit" between a child's temperament and a parent's temperament. If it is not a very natural fit (for example if a daughter is very unstructured and spontaneous, while the mother is extremely structured and planned), then the mother's ability to accept the child's natural temperament, rather than "declare war" on it, is a critical factor in creating a loving, positive mother/daughter bond.<br />
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It has been said that it is primarily in the mother-child relationship that we learn how to love and be loved. What an incredible responsibility it is to be what psychologist Bruno Bettelheim termed a "good enough mother." A mother doesn't have to be perfect. Admitting your own mistakes, apologizing as needed, recognizing and honoring your daughter's own unique strengths and gifts, listening, and spending time together in enjoyable activities, are sure ways to strengthen a mother/daughter relationship.<br />
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What if you don't like the script you got from your mother? Then, as you become consciously aware of what her script was for you, you may choose to selectively rewrite it, just like a playwright rewrites a script. Writer Pam Finger says,"You do not have to be your mother unless she is who you want to be. You do not have to be your mother's mother, or even your grandmother's mother on your father's side. You may inherit their chins or their hips or their eyes, but you are not destined to become the women who came before you. You are not destined to live their lives.So if you inherit something, inherit their resilience. The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be."<br />
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There can be difficult aspects of the mother/daughter relationship. Because we share our gender, mothers can impose strong messages about roles and relationships, even our relationship with our own body. Sometimes as mothers age, they have unresolved feelings stirred up by their daughters emerging into adulthood and asserting themselves. Developmentally, it is healthy for daughters in their teens and twenties to push back and reject some of who their mother is. Mothers need to stay grounded, patient, and give up control, as it is appropriate. (She may be back closer to you later in life). Some daughters sense a feeling of competitiveness between themselves and their mother. A mother may have unrealized hopes and dreams for her younger self that she may project on her daughter.<br />
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As an emotionally mature woman of any age, it is possible to come to peace with your relationship with your mother. You can decide how you are like her, and in what ways you are different. You can determine what the boundary can safely be between the two of you. You can choose what you wish to ask of her and what you would like to give her.<br />
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Through our relationship with our mother, we can look behind us into our past. With our mother, we see our emotional roots and her roots with the woman who raised her. Through our relationship with our daughters, we can look into the future and see our dreams for them. We can anticipate the ways in which they will need to do this same sifting process of positive and negative scripts with us in time.<br />
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A key to coming to peace with your relationship with your mother is to begin to view her not just in her role as your mother, but as a woman in her own context. This shift helps to equalize the power between adult daughter and mother. When you make this shift, you can be free to construct a different relationship with your mother, being aware of your history with her, accepting what love and stability she can provide, and begin the lifelong task of "mothering" yourself.<br />
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Recently, I have been organizing closets at home, and ran across some heartfelt notes and drawings that my daughters made for me when there were little, and it touched me deeply. Children grow up and launch, but the enduring closeness between mothers and daughters, when it works, is among life's sweetest blessings. This week as we approach Mother's Day, I honor all those who seek to nurture, encourage, and mother to the best of their ability. It's a big job, but with the potential for great meaning. Mothering can be one of life's most transformational and complex experiences.<br />
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<br />Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-83835001929752077772016-04-11T08:17:00.003-07:002016-04-11T08:22:13.713-07:00Family Therapy: Still Effective After All These Years<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsvNa-iHxfTXmew0xR16_Ca7O_HSWoU2JAnqcHITNAkvxEB3c-1ej00szevLetz4k6PmZDDY-AXVsnnacR4p23aQsAZfJecKw9Zo1tZ4qJF1ZMGG0iu5aTI7DY5IYkrrjLYp_tiMnMx064/s1600/img-family-therapy-session.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsvNa-iHxfTXmew0xR16_Ca7O_HSWoU2JAnqcHITNAkvxEB3c-1ej00szevLetz4k6PmZDDY-AXVsnnacR4p23aQsAZfJecKw9Zo1tZ4qJF1ZMGG0iu5aTI7DY5IYkrrjLYp_tiMnMx064/s400/img-family-therapy-session.jpg" width="400" /></a><br />
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Times change, but family therapy has stayed relevant for families over time. Family therapy is empirically supported and clinically effective. Clients report marked improvements in relationships, functioning and emotional health. In the April 18, 2016 issue of Time Magazine, one reporter shares her own recent experience in family therapy. <a href="http://time.com/4284809/how-family-therapy-makes-us-older-and-wiser/" target="_blank">Read the Time article here.</a>Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-32650153565418936972016-03-21T11:41:00.000-07:002016-03-21T11:53:31.950-07:00When You Don't Get What You Want<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH3oHQXQs9f2o78cyx1XSPvO3iqLCnDAa_H04wJlUh1Z3RG-4TK6dj_EWHcZGcCbFMGwUmDjZaBru7lOCwfw4OJQ94Cbp9M5XPd5fA4GYHhMBKChDG0XUC4BKeBnNFZYQUkOS6QRW0UAtx/s1600/Awesome-Under-The-Ocean-live-wallpaper.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH3oHQXQs9f2o78cyx1XSPvO3iqLCnDAa_H04wJlUh1Z3RG-4TK6dj_EWHcZGcCbFMGwUmDjZaBru7lOCwfw4OJQ94Cbp9M5XPd5fA4GYHhMBKChDG0XUC4BKeBnNFZYQUkOS6QRW0UAtx/s400/Awesome-Under-The-Ocean-live-wallpaper.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
Character is shaped and defined in the times in our lives when we don't get what we want. Part of being human is dealing with loss and disappointment. Whether you don't get in to the college of your choice, or your spouse dies prematurely, or your plans don't work out for a job, grad school, a relationship, loss is a part of our lives. There is usually no way to avoid it. All risks- including good ones, involve the potential of it not working out.<br />
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Learning how to feel and express the pain of the loss, including the sadness, anger, hurt, confusion and disappointment is healthy. Later, learning how to process the loss and grow through what happens is key to growing emotionally.<br />
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Have you ever noticed the differences in people you know who have survived and thrived despite difficulty and loss?<br />
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There are some qualities I really like that people are more likely to develop if they run into some setbacks and loss in their lives. These include being grateful rather than entitled, compassion for others, resiliency and developing perspective about what's really important. These are the unexpected gifts of working through not getting what you want.<br />
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When we can learn to stop blaming others, we grow.<br />
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When we learn to accept disappointment, work through the feelings and redirect our course and go on, we become resilient and inspire others.<br />
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When we understand loss, we develop a reverence for how fragile our lives are and appreciative for the people who truly matter.<br />
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When we realize that it is things not working out that can shapes our character, we can be made gentler and more tenderized by our experiences. We can become more sensitive to the struggles of others.<br />
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Loss, disappointment and not getting what we want are all teachers if we receive the lessons. Poet and philosopher Mark Nepo writes in his book <i>Seven Thousand Ways to Listen </i>(Simon and Schuster, 2012) that, "Sooner or later, everyone will face not getting what they want. How we respond to this unavoidable moment determines how much peace or agitation we will have in our lives. This is the moment that opens all others, for our acceptance of things as they are and not as would have them allows us to find our place in the stream of life. Free of our entitlements, we can discover that we are small fish in the stream and go about finding the current."<br />
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Not getting what you want? That makes you normal, and possibly better, if you let it.</div>
Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-16521947049364134192016-02-29T08:50:00.000-08:002016-02-29T08:55:59.439-08:00Connections With Grandparents Stabilize Teens<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBeVGFrL67zxfXwFSCO5lr_SAKvkPPF_0dbXEJBtXBt8zJ7AH7oxxmIF_EXQmMk1wwBgVeZnBaBzl8Ezo7a67UjkPyZK2SbQ_5-tzH7bZ6ZHxtxIalhJhf8ujdHGgkwAGC4gxfxlwP9SpD/s1600/TeenGrandson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBeVGFrL67zxfXwFSCO5lr_SAKvkPPF_0dbXEJBtXBt8zJ7AH7oxxmIF_EXQmMk1wwBgVeZnBaBzl8Ezo7a67UjkPyZK2SbQ_5-tzH7bZ6ZHxtxIalhJhf8ujdHGgkwAGC4gxfxlwP9SpD/s400/TeenGrandson.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
It's rough being a teenager, but having a loving, involved grandparent really helps teens smoothly transition through these turbulent years. While teens are busy individuating and separating from parents as they need to do developmentally, grandparents can be a safe place to attach emotionally. Teens with close, loving relationships with a grandparent are likely to have fewer emotional and behavioral problems than teens without that attachment.<br />
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A recent study at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem in Israel surveyed 1,405 teens ages 12 to 18, involved in a larger study. Teens who enjoyed a close relationship with both their parents and grandparents experienced the lowest amount of adjustment difficulties on questionnaires measuring hyperactivity, and emotional distress like excessive worrying, social skills problems, fighting and bullying. The study was published this past year in the American Journal of Orthopsychiatry online.<br />
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While grandparents have long been considered by family therapists as a help to teens who are having conflict with one or both parents, this study suggests that there are benefits to teens of being close to grandparents even when the teen is well connected with parents. Teens who were securely attached to both parents and grandparents had the least problems. Being close to grandparents didn't seem to help as much if the teens weren't close to their own parents. For teens who indicated a moderate or a strong bond with their parent, the close relationship with a grandparent played an increasingly strong role in decreasing adjustment difficulties.<br />
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In my counseling practice, I always encourage people to make the most of the relationship they can have with their grandchildren and other young people. Being a grandparent is one of those interesting roles in life that is highly variable. You can make much of your emotional contribution to the role or none, it's up to your willingness and your adult children's openness to having you involved. If you don't have children or grandchildren, consider reaching out to other teens who may need your stabilizing influence and loving concern.<br />
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I can remember my parents' house being a wonderful haven for our children when they were teens; a great place to learn to cook, do art, try gardening, watch classic movies or go for a swim with Gram and Gramps. As it works out, research backs up my observations that grandparents and teenaged grandchildren can provide meaningful connections to each other and memories that can last a lifetime. It's good to be needed.Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-20462197383296992922016-02-15T16:35:00.004-08:002016-02-15T16:35:51.860-08:00Are You A Highly Sensitive Person?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Do you respond more intensely to experiences than the average person might? Do you cry easily? About 20% of the population fits into the category of being a highly sensitive person (HSP). This trait is distributed pretty equally among men and women. HSP is different from introversion, although both can get overstimulated and need to retreat at times. It's believed that sensitivity may run along a spectrum, like some other traits, from low to high. This is not a disorder, but a trait which tends to be permanent over one's lifespan.<br />
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HSP was first identified in the 1990's by research psychologists Elaine and Arthur Aron. HSP is also known as Sensory Processing Sensitivity. The Arons developed a 27-item scale to assess for being highly sensitive, which you can take online at <a href="http://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/">http://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/</a>. Here are a few sample items:<br />
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Other people's moods affect me.<br />
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I am easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics or sirens close by.<br />
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I have a rich, complex inner life.<br />
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I am deeply moved by the arts or music.<br />
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I am conscientious.<br />
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I get rattled when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time.<br />
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Being very hungry creates a strong reaction in me, disrupting my concentration or mood.<br />
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Changes in my life shake me up.<br />
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When I must compete or be observed while performing a task, I become so nervous or shaky that I do much worse than I would otherwise.<br />
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Highly sensitive people show brain scan differences in their neural activity, as compared to non-HSPs. Those with this feature are more empathetic, pay close attention to the environment and non-verbal cues from other people. A study at University of California, Santa Barbara published in the <i>Journal of Brain and Behavior</i> in April 2014, demonstrated that people identified as HSP have more neural activity in parts of the brain when looking at the face of a loved one than people with an average level of sensitivity.<br />
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People with HSP are believed to have a deeper depth of cognitive processing. They can get overwhelmed, be more aware of emotional subtleties and have stronger emotional responses than others do. HSPs are well-suited professionally to work as counselors, teachers, artists, pastors and writers.<br />
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There are liabilities that come with being an HSP, too. They can be easily hurt. They can get exhausted from people and too much stimuli. HSPs can be vulnerable to stress. Dr. Arthur Aron, research professor at Stony Brook University in New York and visiting scholar at University of California, Berkeley acknowledges that HSPs can get easily overwhelmed and that they tend to process information more deeply than others.<br />
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In relationships, both HSPs and their partners need to be aware of the sensitivity. The highly sensitive person can learn to identify when they are a needing a time out during disagreements with their partner or when overwhelmed. HSPs need to do extreme self-care, being certain to eat healthily, sleep well, and get downtime to relax. HSPs must appreciate that their partner probably processes events and experiences differently, and appreciate the differences.<br />
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People who are partnered with an HSP are best to never say "calm down." It's best if you are not critical, and validate your partner's feelings. Telling an HSP partner that they are making a big deal out of something won't help. Be supportive, and express that you understand what they are feeling.<br />
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Being a highly sensitive person can be both a gift and a burden. Understanding yourself as an HSP or your HSP partner is of critical importance for a well-balanced, happy life and relationship.Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-76273743066409510812016-02-01T17:00:00.000-08:002016-02-01T18:16:03.250-08:00 Being Known: The Seven Levels of Intimacy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Matthew Kelly wrote the classic relationship book <i>The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved</i>. The book is simply written, easy to read, and has some really interesting ways to begin thinking differently about some of your closest relationships.</div>
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Kelly believes that the purpose of the healthiest close relationships is to help you become your best self, and encouraging people that you love to evolve, develop, and become their best selves as well. If you are in the right primary relationship, it should be challenging you some. We want to spur each other's development along to become the best version of ourselves.<br />
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Intimacy isn't needed in all relationships. We all do better, though, if we have real intimacy in some of our relationships. Intimacy takes mutual disclosure and self-revelation. Lower levels of intimacy are fine with people you don't know well or want to get close to, but with people you want to go deeper with the lower levels of intimacy are just a warm-up.<br />
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Here are Kelly's seven levels of intimacy:<br />
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1. Cliches: at this level, we are having flat, brief conversations with others, with very little disclosure or significance. Think of how most people interact with the grocery clerk. It's boring, monotonous, and repetitive. An example would be asking how work was and getting the reply "fine." These are fine conversation starters and may be appropriate with strangers, but are unsatisfying if this is the level your closest relationships stay at. If you hang out in clichés, it's a sure fire way to avoid intimacy.<br />
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2. Just the Facts: We discuss sports, current events, the stock market, weather, celebrity gossip,and what we did today. It's safe to discuss facts. It pretty much guarantees that there won't be conflict. Facts are usually impersonal.<br />
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3. Opinion: You don't have to make yourself vulnerable at all to announce your opinions. It can lead to conflict. Arguments can occur here which reveal a lack of maturity, inability to transcend self and empathize with another's view, and a shortage of self-awareness. Getting stuck on this level can cause disagreements, demonstrate a lack of a common goal, and cause people to downshift back into clichés and facts. As we mature, we should be able to agree to disagree and to accept differences.<br />
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4. Hopes and Dreams: Sharing our vision for our life, what we are hoping to accomplish and experience is far more personal, and takes us deeper with the other person. We need to feel fairly safe to do this. I can't imagine sharing my hopes and dreams with anyone who I experience as critical and judgmental. Revealing your dreams and learning about those of the other person charges the relationship with energy. Building a dream together with an intimate other is a powerful connection between you. Dreams give our lives focus and purpose.<br />
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5. Feelings: Going beyond facts and events to share the more personal elements of how you feel about your life, your day, your work, your relationships, will take you still deeper into knowing and being known. One catch is that you have to be able to identify your own feelings before you can share them. You can deepen a close relationship by asking about how the other person feels. Listen intently from the heart. It takes being willing to be vulnerable to share feelings, but that's where all the good stuff is in relationships. It's a risk, but what is life without a little risk?<br />
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6. Faults, Fears and Failures: You don't have to be perfect to be loved or loving. It is in sharing our misadventures, mistakes and mess-ups that people often feel closer to us. These flaws make us real. Kelly describes this level of intimacy as emotional nakedness. if we can take down our guard at this level with those we are closest to, we help them also feel safe to reveal more. It's a mutual thing. Asking for help also comes in here. Being able to put down your pride and admit mistakes also allows the other person to be imperfect. We all have fears and a shadow self. It's normal.<br />
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7. Legitimate Needs/Dynamic Collaboration: We all have legitimate needs in the four aspects of life: physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual. Expressing your legitimate needs and asking to understand those of the other person leads you into a thriving relationship. The highest level of relationships require that you also have the heart to try to help meet the other person's needs. There should be both people giving and receiving. The needs must be legitimate, not superficial, manipulative or unrealistic.<br />
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Kelly also has a lot of valuable tools to suggest to making relationships intentionally closer. He suggests creating unstructured time together, which he calls carefree timelessness. It might just be spending a day with someone you love and doing whatever you both feel like. He encourages giving up criticizing others, and avoiding gossip. He suggests we be mindful of the words we choose and that we practice self-discipline and forgiveness.<br />
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<i>The Seven Levels of Intimacy</i> is a wonderful gem of a book. It will inspire you to be better, love more, go deeper, and be more aware of what you are co-creating with others. Not only will it help you learn how to develop more meaningful relationships, but it will also inspire those of you who are parents about how to help teach your children to creating intimate relationships in a healthy way.Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-50550031378554823402016-01-18T11:55:00.001-08:002016-01-18T11:55:06.272-08:00Dean Koontz: From a Difficult Childhood to a Meaningful Life<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Dean Koontz has written over one hundred novels and is one of America's top suspense thriller writers. Fourteen of his hardcovers and fourteen of his paperbacks have reached the number one position on the New York Times Bestseller list. While I've enjoyed several of his books and knew that he was living here in Orange County, California, I didn't know anything about his own personal story until I heard him do a live interview last Thursday evening at the Orange County Register. His life is quite a story itself.<br />
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Koontz was remarkably open and vulnerable at his OC Register interview. He shared about being born in 1945 to become the only child of his parents. He grew up incredibly poor in a small town in Pennsylvania. He was close to his mother, who died when he was just 21. <br />
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Koontz' father was alcoholic, mentally ill and unstable. He lost over 30 jobs, and the family went through great hardship. He remembers his father being the town drunk. He was unfaithful with multiple women. Raymond Koontz was abusive to both he and his mother. Dean recalls his mother standing up to his father courageously despite her diminutive height.<br />
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Senior year in college, Koontz won a fiction competition sponsored by Atlantic Monthly. After college, he taught school in Pennsylvania and worked and became frustrated with the Appalachian Poverty Program, designed to help poor children. Koontz saw flaws in the program and ways in which the money didn't reach the population it was intended to help.<br />
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Koontz married his high school girlfriend Gerda, to whom he is still married and who he deeply admires. He spoke about modeling strong heroines in his books after Gerda and his mother. It reminded me how writers often write what they know. He and Gerda negotiated him leaving teaching for five years while she would support him as he wrote full-time. It worked out very well, and he has been writing more than 60 hours a week ever since.<br />
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Dean and Gerda Koontz didn't have children. A biography about him poses that they feared his father's mental illness might be inherited. They do have a great love for golden retrievers. While Koontz researched a guide dogs for the disabled for his novel "Midnight" he became acquainted with Canine Companions for Independence (CCI). The non-profit let him observe how they extensively train service dogs, as he was writing a character that had one into the book. Through their involvement with CCI, the couple adopted Trixie, a golden retriever who had been through most of their training, but didn't quite make it. Dean wrote a book as a tribute to Trixie after she died of cancer in 2007. The book was called <i>A Big Little Life: The Memoir of A Joyful Dog</i>. When I spoke with him afterwards at the book signing, he said he still misses Trixie every day.<br />
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The Koontz family has donated millions of dollars to CCI to continue their work. Several of his books donate all profits to the group. At his live interview, Koontz shared how some years back he was the president of a writer's group where he got lots of phone calls daily with complaints from writers about publishers and agents. After a long weekend away at CCI, observing people with no use of their arms or legs happily being trained to use guide dog assistance, he came home and resigned from his role with the writer's group. He couldn't believe the contrast.<br />
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Since Trixie's death, the Koontz family have adopted Anna, a grand-niece of Trixie, who almost completed the CCI training, but had a fascination for chasing birds that made her a better pet than service dog.<br />
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Koontz also shared something intriguing he found out about his parentage. He found an article saved by his parents that explained about an artificial insemination medical research project done using poor families from his area in Pennsylvania about the time he was born. He decided not to do DNA testing with his father before his death, as he decided it didn't matter to him. It remains a personal mystery for the mystery writer.<br />
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As a family therapist, I am always interested in family of origin stories. The personal story behind Dean Koontz is one of perseverance, gentleness and transcendence. Despite coming from an unstable father with alcoholism and abuse, he has created a strong marriage and a meaningful, thriving career in writing that he continues to work at full-time at age 70. Koontz and his wife are creating a lasting legacy through their support of CCI to help disabled people live a more full life, one dog at a time.<br />
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The script that you are given in childhood doesn't have to be what you live out as an adult. We can choose to take the best part of our childhood backgrounds and revise the rest. You can have an unstable or abusive parent and choose to develop loving relationships and attach securely to others despite what you experienced in your family. It's been meaningful to me to work with many individuals over the past twenty-five years as a therapist to better understand the themes and patterns in their family of origin and rewrite the way they live their lives and the kind of relationships they create. If we understand our family history, we can learn to lead a more conscious life going forward.<br />
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Childhood is just where your story begins. It's doesn't need to predict your future.<br />
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Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-10087835270453291442015-12-18T09:00:00.000-08:002015-12-18T09:11:37.391-08:00The Gift Of Listening<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I laughed so much about this little video clip when I first saw it. <i>It's Not About the Nail </i>beautifully illustrates the concept that most women want to be heard by their partner, but really don't need them to take over and solve the problem for them. Women often feel more heard and understood to have a partner do reflective or active listening and repeat back, in different words, what they are saying. <br />
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This is the concept behind John Gray's books about the differences between genders and communication style. He wrote the very popular book <i>Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus</i> in 1992. If men can be aware of this difference, they can check in and clarify with their partner whether they want to vent and get empathy, or whether they want solutions. In general, I recommend not offering solutions to people unless they ask you for them.<br />
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I've done some training for couples counselors that provides a listener's continuum, a spectrum of options that help people identify where they are in their own progress as a listener. Many people would rather have you keep it to yourself, others start to argue and defend their own point of view, or try to alleviate the tension they feel by trying to fix things. (In this video clip, it's when he wants to pull out the nail).<br />
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Better listeners give feedback about the feelings the other person is conveying, ask questions to deepen their understanding of you, remain calm, don't take things personally, and stay curious about the other person. When you respond with empathy and compassion, the other person naturally wants to open up more to you. When you start arguing and defending, or solving the other person's problem, you will notice that the other person shuts down.<br />
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Most people don't listen very well. Children notice that their parents don't listen, or multitask, or only notice if they act up. Many people stop talking but are busily preparing their rebuttal, making a grocery list or thinking of what else they have to do later that day. If every child and teen could have someone in their lives who really listened, deeply from the heart, we could create powerful positive change in our turbulent world.<br />
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To be truly listened to, and understood, feels wonderful. Truly slowing down to listen from the heart is one of the best presents you can give or receive. If we are sensitive to our role as a listener, we can give our partner, and our children, one of the best gifts we can offer in this busy, distracted world of ours. You could be that listener for one young person.<br />
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As the poet and author Mark Nepo writes in his book, <i>Seven Thousand Ways to Listen</i>, "Listening is the closest we come to living forever. Close your eyes and inhale, slowly. Exhale slowly. Inhale slowly and realize that your life will unfold between the appointments you know of and the appointments you will discover along the way. Open your eyes and exhale slowly, saying yes as you begin."Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-39005127152585980512015-12-04T13:40:00.000-08:002015-12-04T13:51:02.340-08:00When The Holidays Are Hard<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The holidays are here, and it's a difficult time for some people. There are lots of ideas about what the holidays <i>should be</i> like: a loving, supportive family all gathering together to celebrate, sharing family time, all getting along well. Just add snow and something wonderful cooking in the kitchen. We want the Norman Rockwell view of the holidays.<br />
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As it turns out, even Norman Rockwell didn't have that happy family. I recently read <i>American Mirror</i>, a new Rockwell biography by Deborah Solomon with a psychological look at the artist's life and work. His childhood years weren't that happy. His mother was a hypochondriac, self-involved, and they lived in a boarding house for many years because she was too overwhelmed to cook or care for the family. As adults, he and his brother stopped any contact, with his brother writing to lament the fact that he didn't know anything about Norman or his family. In his own adult life, happiness and close family relationships were elusive. Norman was married 3 times, worked 7 days a week until he got dementia, and wasn't that involved as a husband or father. Appearances aren't always what they seem: even the families portrayed in his paintings were usually assembled groups of strangers.<br />
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There is pressure during the holidays to have a close family, decorate your home, buy meaningful and expensive gifts, cook excellent meals, and feel happy inside.<br />
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What if you don't feel happy?<br />
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Not all families are close. For some people, the holidays underscore the gap where meaningful extended family relationships don't exist. You may have had an emotional cut-off in your family, with some family members not speaking to you.<br />
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This might be your first holiday season after the death of a family member or person close to you. <br />
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This could be your first year coping with the changes and loss of a divorce. Maybe you share custody of your children and will be without them for some or all of the holidays.<br />
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You might be coping with depression. For people with Seasonal Affective Disorder, these short winter days can be extremely challenging, even before you add in holiday tasks.<br />
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How can you rethink the holidays if it seems overwhelming or difficult?<br />
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1. Give yourself options. You can keep the usual traditions, or give yourself permission to change things up.<br />
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2. Do extreme self care. During the holidays, keep up your exercise, your healthy eating plan, and schedule some alone time.<br />
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3. Do something different. If you have never volunteered before, starting now might really give your mood a boost and put things in perspective. No matter what your loss or difficulty, there is always someone who needs your help.<br />
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4. Give yourself permission to say no. Several of my clients that have become sober this <br />
year are opting out of party situations that might put their sobriety at risk. Great choice! You can also take your own car to visit family, and shorten up the time frames on visits with family members who stress you out.<br />
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5. Carry your own holiday boundaries. In family gatherings and work events, seek out the people you enjoy and resonate with. Focus on the people you enjoy. Minimize the contact with the Debbie Downers, and other toxic people in your family. Be pleasant but brief.<br />
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6. Take your inner adult with you to visit the family. Even the famous family therapist Murray Bowen wrote in an article called "Going Home" that when he went home to see his parents for the holidays he struggled to keep channeling his inner adult and stay differentiated in a healthy way. There is something about that primordial soup of undifferentiated ego mass that tries to suck you into feeling powerless and 8 years old. Don't go there!<br />
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7. Consider making plans to invite people you know who might be alone at the holidays to join you.<br />
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8. Show flexibility. If the children aren't with you on Christmas, have some fun making another day Christmas. It's your mood and spirit they will remember, not the date.<br />
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9. Take the focus off of buying stuff. Focus instead on experiences and relationships. It's not about stuff, or creating debt for January.<br />
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10. Use this holiday season to listen to music that inspires you, develop your spiritual side, and begin envisioning what you would like to create in the new year as we wrap up 2015.<br />
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11. Reach out for more healthy support: people who care and are a good influence on you.<br />
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12. Avoid alcohol if you are feeling down. Alcohol is a depressant. It will make you feel worse.<br />
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Create a holiday season that suits you. Don't give in to the pressure, hype and expectations to do things that no longer work for you. It's time for your own kind of holiday, and you're just the person who can make that happen. The first holiday season following a loss can be difficult. You can choose your response to the loss, and find ways to be kind and gentle to yourself through a challenging holiday season.Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-58194621670502102302015-11-23T10:00:00.000-08:002015-11-23T21:44:11.976-08:00The Thankful Heart: Cultivating the Gratitude Attitude<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Don't you love to be around people who demonstrate an attitude of gratitude in their lives? As the season moves towards Thanksgiving, what a perfect time to reflect on what is right and good in our relationships, and our lives as a whole. At times I think we can overfocus on what we don't have in our lives that we want, and be largely oblivious to all the blessings.<br />
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It is important to thank people for the good things they do for you. No one likes to be taken for granted. Most adults, teens, and children that I have talked with about their personal lives this last 25 years in counseling feel wildly under-appreciated and under-encouraged. Parents are aften blown away with the positive response from their teens, for example, when they start noticing what their teens are doing that they appreciate.<br />
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Being grateful with your partner is important, too. What does your partner do that makes your life easier, more secure, healthier, or more fun? Your expressed appreciation will engender more loving feelings in the relationship, and help them to feel seen by you, not like they are part of the wallpaper. If your partner adds to your life, wouldn't you want them to know it, and have them do more of the things that hit the target with you?<br />
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I always share with teens that parents respond to encouragement and gratefulness from them as well. As a parent, it means so much to get feedback from your child that the effort you put into something made a difference to them.<br />
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Expressing sincere gratefulness is using your personal power to create good. You never know what it might mean to someone else. Think about the last person to express gratefulness to you. When was that? Who was it? I bet you remember.<br />
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Gratefulness can reframe the way you look at your day, your week, and your life. When you stop to consider the other people whose lives touch yours, you can spread the gratefulness around.<br />
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Think of all the people you could express thanks to... teachers, wait staff, your parents, your children, co-workers, people who work for you, friends. Don't assume other people read your mind, because they don't.</div>
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There are numerous studies that demonstrate employee morale and retention is also greatly improved by workers feeling valued and that their efforts and contributions are acknowledged. Extend your grateful appreciation to your workplace.</div>
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In the busy whirlwind of life, slowing down to make sure the people who make your life better know how you feel is especially significant. In these days before Thanksgiving, it's a perfect time to get your heart in the right place, and voice your feelings about what others do that means the most to you. Having a grateful attitude makes you a keeper. Even if there are lots or challenges, focusing on the blessings creates more mental health and well-being.<br />
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Open your heart to expressing your gratitude and have a beautiful Thanksgiving week. Life is so fragile, don't let your appreciation go unspoken.</div>
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Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-9083548727397577742015-11-16T15:42:00.000-08:002015-11-16T15:42:26.850-08:00Deal Breakers in Dating Relationships<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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What really turns you off to someone new? Consider what you can not see yourself getting past with a potential partner. Would it be selfishness? Being rude to wait staff at the restaurant? Monopolizing the conversation so that you can hardly speak? Maybe you avoid people who are arrogant or inconsiderate.<br />
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Apparently, according to recent studies, most people find the qualities of laziness and being disheveled to be two of the top deal breakers when it comes to potential dates. After these two qualities, there are some differences in how women and men see potential dating partners and what turns people off.<br />
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Recent research on deal breakers in dating was published in the October 2015 online version of the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, which incorporated studies done by Western Sydney University, Indiana University, the University of Florida, Singapore Management University and Rutgers University. The Wall Street Journal featured their results in its' November 3, 2015 edition.<br />
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Researchers found women have more deal breakers than men do. Everyone has more deal breakers with a long-term relationship than a short-term one. People who consider themselves "a good catch" have more deal breakers as well. There are theories relating to evolutionary biology about why women tend to be more selective than men. Perhaps women are hard-wired to want a partner who is confident and intelligent enough to support her if she bears children.<br />
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The researchers administered a list of 17 negative personal traits to 5,541 single American adults. Each individual identified the traits they would consider deal breakers. "Disheveled/unclean" ranked number one for both genders, followed by "lazy" and "too needy".<br />
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Women ranked "lacks a sense of humor" as a bigger concern than men did. Men were concerned by women who "talk too much" or with "a low sex drive". In long-term partner choices, both genders found anger issues, not being trustworthy, health issues and not being exclusive as deal breakers.<br />
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In the studies, here's how the rankings of turn offs broke down by gender:<br />
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Disheveled: A deal breaker for 63% of the men and 72% of the women<br />
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Lazy: A deal breaker for 60% of men and 72% of women<br />
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Too Needy: A deal breaker for 57% of men and 69% of women<br />
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No Sense of Humor: A deal breaker for 50% of men and 58% of women<br />
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Lives far away (more than 3 hours): A deal breaker for 52% of men and 48% of women<br />
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Lacks Confidence: A deal breaker for 33% of men and 47% of women<br />
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Too Much TV/Videogames: A deal breaker for 25% of men and 41% of women<br />
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Stubborn: A deal breaker for 32% of men and 34% of women<br />
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Talks Too Much: A deal breaker for 26% of men and 20% of women<br />
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Too Quiet: A deal breaker for 11% of men and 17% of women<br />
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It's important to identify and think through your own relationship deal breakers. You want to be reasonable, and not overly rigid. (Perhaps your wonderful partner will come with a cat or dog you hadn't planned on.) It is perfectly okay and valid to know yourself well enough to know what you just can't compromise on. Dating enough before settling down to do your due diligence and learn about yourself and what you can and can't bend on is key.<br />
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Even once you find the right partner, this might be a useful list for taking inventory of yourself in your primary relationship from time to time. Being the right partner is just as important as finding the right partner. Exercising self awareness and taking responsibility for being an interesting, confident, flexible, motivated, well groomed and relational partner is always a plus.</div>
Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-52527740157030042042015-11-09T15:15:00.000-08:002015-11-09T15:20:49.088-08:00What Causes Shyness?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis5BHXPocJ5YepaciNAPVQP6lUoD1EkYG2b0c1Fdy6NEBVnmRtpPbpjRm4tK-zvy2MU4iLlg835KN_7TUZUo_FR4B7XA7oMKjbEg7sgNFe1K0bZUjdV5Jxd4s_TubI6ToeMFamZlMBpNmV/s1600/the-way-you-overcome-shyness-is-to-become-so-wrapped-up-in-something-that-you-forget-to-be-afraid.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis5BHXPocJ5YepaciNAPVQP6lUoD1EkYG2b0c1Fdy6NEBVnmRtpPbpjRm4tK-zvy2MU4iLlg835KN_7TUZUo_FR4B7XA7oMKjbEg7sgNFe1K0bZUjdV5Jxd4s_TubI6ToeMFamZlMBpNmV/s400/the-way-you-overcome-shyness-is-to-become-so-wrapped-up-in-something-that-you-forget-to-be-afraid.png" width="400" /></a></div>
Shyness is easy to observe, but hard to define. It is sometimes described as
being self-conscious or uncomfortable in social situations, especially with new
people. Those who are shy are often self-critical of their behaviors in social
settings; shy people tend to focus on what they feel they do wrong, and project
negative past experiences onto current and future ones.<br />
<br />
There are various theories about how shyness develops: parent modeling, the
relationship with the same sex parent who may have been anxious, critical, rejecting,
or restrictive, difficulty attaching to a parent securely in early childhood, and
a negative attributional style where individuals expect negative outcomes and
feel they have very little control over outcomes.<br />
<br />
Most shy people engage in negative self-talk. This is the equivalent of a
pessimistic radio channel that's always on in your head, telling you to be
anxious about new situations, because they are likely to go poorly. Socially
anxious people tend to reject positive feedback about their social behaviors, and
accept only negative feedback. Shy individuals often attribute social failures
as having to do with something inside the self.<br />
<br />
Genetic and neurological factors have also been linked to shyness. Studies
have shown physiological and neurological differences between shy and non-shy preschoolers
in how they process emotion. There was significantly more brain activity in the
right anterior part of the brain (as measured by EEG) when shy children were
exposed to video clips that elicit fear and sadness, as compared to non-shy
peers.<br />
<br />
When does shyness peak? Usually right around age 18, correlating with the
end of high-school and launching into college, adult life, and leaving the
social comfort of home. Some young adults really benefit to having some
counseling support at this pivotal time, as a young adult engages in the task
of creating a new social support system beyond parents and high school. It can
be a time where young adults often feel especially lonely and/or vulnerable. There
are shy college students for whom acclimating into the second semester or
second year will naturally help in overcoming shyness, resolving their “situational
shyness.” There are others who are likely to become consistently shy and lonely
in what is known as “dispositional shyness.”<br />
<br />
There are also gender differences in shyness. Studies show that shyness in
young men is more likely to delay romantic relationships and increase
their physical aggressiveness. In young women, shyness can inhibit
same-sex interactions, or interactions between women, more than it does
for shy men in relating to other guys. Shy men tend to avoid eye contact and
not initiate social interaction with others. Women are more likely to
experience difficulty concentrating due to socially triggered anxiety.<br />
<br />
Shy individuals can benefit from intervention and support from a therapist. The
most common approaches that a therapist can use to decrease shyness are
cognitive-behavioral therapy (addressing negative automatic thoughts that
restrict social behaviors), systematic desensitization (helping a shy client
take gradual steps to increase their exposure to social situations while using
coping skills to reduce anxiety), and skills training (which includes assertion
and the use of positive self-talk).<br />
<br />
While shyness sounds simple, it really isn't. There can be multiple causes, including
one's relationship with their parents, extroversion/introversion, role
modeling, insecure attachments in early childhood, genetic/biological
predisposition, situational/stage of life factors, as well as the way we talk
with ourselves about our ability to change other people's perceptions of us
through challenging our own shy behaviors. Shyness, if not dealt with, can
persist and impact an individual's quality of life and level of happiness.Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-54292862637964206742015-11-02T14:38:00.000-08:002015-11-02T14:49:35.439-08:00How to Tell Your Kids You're Getting a Divorce<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOzLk2PaAe7fFKaxgyOrnpoLFHULvyiFLAYVvclwgAlyADoXAdj7mMmj6AE0uKXrv2mdJXOENqQEMJKTXgrtuLefdSSGFXkZTZiL89DoOW1SJa5AAiwi9QoGa9S0Rp_3cRYG_I-t4_iPyS/s1600/happy-family-girl-sitting-beach-back-11808919.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOzLk2PaAe7fFKaxgyOrnpoLFHULvyiFLAYVvclwgAlyADoXAdj7mMmj6AE0uKXrv2mdJXOENqQEMJKTXgrtuLefdSSGFXkZTZiL89DoOW1SJa5AAiwi9QoGa9S0Rp_3cRYG_I-t4_iPyS/s320/happy-family-girl-sitting-beach-back-11808919.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Children need to know what is happening in their family: here's how to have that difficult conversation you don't want to have. Read a recent Orange County Register article on telling your children about divorce <a href="http://www.ocregister.com/articles/children-685068-don-divorce.html" target="_blank">here</a>.Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-69070816802182237252015-10-19T13:48:00.002-07:002015-10-19T13:53:11.430-07:00"Wasn't Expecting That": Treasuring Your Partner<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Y-lI_tgQMMk/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Y-lI_tgQMMk?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
The poet Mark Nepo speaks about splashing your partner with love. It's a beautiful image. What if we lived every day with the awareness that we need to celebrate and appreciate our partner? What if we were conscious of the passing of time and intentional about savoring the joy available in the little details of life together as a couple or as a family?<br />
<br />
Over the last 25 years, I've done grief counseling with many individuals who've lost their life partner. It's made me reflect on all that is to be learned from a strong, long-term marriage. If only we could each take a lesson on love from people who've endured such a loss.<br />
<br />
I was touched by this short video clip of English singer/songwriter Jamie Lawson of his song, <i>Wasn't Expecting That</i>. This sweet song sets the right tone for focusing on appreciating your partner while you can. Whether you have 10 years together or 60, the same rules apply. Here are a few of the things I've learned from individuals and couples over the years about making your partnership extraordinary:<br />
<br />
1. Don't sweat the small stuff. Most stuff in daily life is the small stuff. Don't be petty. Exercise more restraint instead.<br />
<br />
2. Be fun to live with. Dr. Phil asked people on his show, "How much fun are you to live with?" Choose to be a beneficial presence in your relationship and your family, not difficult or cranky.<br />
<br />
3. Stay curious about your partner. Don't assume things. Each of you keeps growing and changing, so you will never fully know each other. Enjoy the ever evolving mystery.<br />
<br />
4. Express your feelings.<br />
<br />
5. Be strong enough to be vulnerable. Own it when you are feeling needy, tired, moody, worried, sad or difficult.<br />
<br />
6. Ask for what you really, really want. Don't settle for a mediocre relationship.<br />
<br />
7. Follow through. Do what you say you will be doing. Show your partner they can trust you because you live life in an honorable way.<br />
<br />
8. Express your gratitude.<br />
<br />
9. Treat your partner even better than you do your dearest friends.<br />
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10. Make yourself available to spend time together. Enjoy high energy fun together.<br />
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11. Freely admit when you mess up.<br />
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12. Share in life's work. Don't under-function at home so that your partner feels burdened and overwhelmed. Many tasks are more fun together, like cooking, gardening, or washing dishes.<br />
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13. Protect your relationship by setting clear boundaries. Don't confide in friends or family about your relationship concerns. Be brave and go direct, or go together to couples counseling with an emotionally focused therapist if you get stuck. Don't keep secrets that could jeopardize your relationship.<br />
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14. See the good in your partner. Shine a light on it. Comment on it. There are numerous studies that show that the happiest couples see each other in a consistently favorable light, even better than they are. Try to see your partner's good intentions when possible. Don't be the critic. Build up and encourage your partner's best self when you see it.<br />
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15. Try to see it their way. I'm always encouraged with people in couples counseling when they can demonstrate genuine empathy for how their partner might be feeling. There are often several right perspectives on things, not just yours. Demonstrating empathy and compassion for your partner is a sign of emotional maturity. It means you can transcend self.<br />
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16. Use loving touch and affection. Hug and kiss hello and goodbye each day. These are part of the thousand little threads of connection between you. Cuddle. Hold hands. Give your partner a backrub when they are stressed. Both men and women like to have their partner initiate affection, so don't get stuck in gender roles on this one. Call each other when you are apart. Write love letters.<br />
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17. Don't get so wrapped up in raising the children that you forget the sacredness of spending some time focusing on just the two of you.<br />
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18. Take responsibility for making yourself interesting and happy and splashing it out on your partner. Don't expect your partner to make you happy. It's an inside job.<br />
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19. Learn to disagree respectfully. It's been said that every marriage has a couple unsolvable problems, and what counts is how you discuss it. Fight fairly. You each have your own brain and will see some things differently. This is normal.<br />
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20. Embrace your differences. You are different people and we raised in different families with their own patterns and traditions. You will likely have unique interests. This keeps the relationship interesting, especially if you support each other's individual interests. Actor Paul Newman and actress Joanne Woodward were a great example of this. She loved the ballet while he liked to race cars as a hobby. They loved each other deeply for 50 years before Paul's death, but could individuate from each other.<br />
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Life goes very quickly. We are each more fragile than we realize. Make it your intention to really focus, breathe and take in the joy of day to day life with your partner and your family. Like in the Jamie Lawson song, it will end one day when you don't expect it. Go for an extraordinary relationship starting today.You want to ensure that you have wonderful, sweet memories left behind. Splash some love and happiness around generously now while you can.<br />
<br />Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-64514301180101802772015-10-05T13:50:00.000-07:002018-01-07T13:21:32.221-08:00When Your Adult Children Need Limits<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Imagine if you had children and nurtured them, but they grew up to be adults and treated you badly on a consistent basis. What if your adult children used, abused, and dumped on you? Are they calling and telling you all their problems? Depending on you financially long after they should be independent? Still beating you up about their (long over) childhood? Now is the time to set some new, healthier boundaries and expectations.<br />
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You would end a friendship or love relationship with another adult who consistently treated you badly. We can have blind spots with our adult children where we allow mistreatment and emotional abuse we wouldn't accept from anyone else. Some adult children necessitate you taking back your own personal power, and stepping away from enabling their bad or weak behavior.You don't want to be codependent with your adult child's emotional immaturity.<br />
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What if your adult child blames you for all their unhappiness? Certainly I believe in apologizing for any mistakes you made, but enough is enough at some point. Some adult children get "stuck" in the blame or victim role and can't move along. Maybe they are well into adult years now, and have had more years on their own then you did raising them. You may have to set some limits about how far and long the blaming goes on. They might be enjoying the secondary gains of not moving on, rather than beginning to do the hard work of taking responsibility for building their own positive, productive life now.<br />
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Parents can be manipulated by their adult children, as they get their guilt buttons pushed. It is important to set your own limits about what you are and are not willing to do. You may be willing to help with finances for a limited amount of time. You may not want them to move in with you and become a child again in an open-ended way. It may be better to help them with a specific cost, such as educational expenses, or help with their own rent for a specific amount of time that has an ending. You may be happy to speak by phone or spend time together, but have a prepared exit strategy if a pleasant interaction turns abusive or toxic. You may not be willing to stay with them if it is upsetting each time. Shorter visits may be preferable.<br />
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You may have to give your adult child some space if they are misusing you. Call less often. Meet up at a neutral location, such as a restaurant for a meal. Prepare a broken record response if they begin to verbally attack you, such as, "I understand that you are unhappy with how your life is going, but this isn't going to help." You may be willing to help your adult child in a time-limited fashion, if they are taking demonstrable steps to help themselves. You may want to reframe by asking them what they think they can do to create a positive change in their life. You could also redirect the conversation to something else. You could not be immediately available at all times. Give less: time, attention, financial support.<br />
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Explain that it puts you in an awkward position if they repeatedly call you to bash their partner. It may be healthier to redirect them to talk directly to their partner, and not triangulate you in the middle, or see a therapist. This is changing your own dance steps. You are not a dumping ground or a doormat. Realize that to be someone else's doormat, you do have to lie down (be passive and allow it).<br />
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You have certain rights as a person, too. When you had children, you didn't give up your need for personal dignity or respect. You have a right to move closer emotionally to people who treat you well and are supportive. Put more distance between yourself and people, including your adult children, who mistreat you. You have a right to peace, and not being anybody's emotional punching bag. Some adult children have elevated and unrealistic expectations about you always being at their service. You are a part of the problem if you enable their bad or weak behavior. Your own health will suffer if you don't set boundaries.<br />
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Having children can be an incredible blessing. As your children become adults themselves, it is essential to shift gears in the parent-child relationship. You love them, but you also have firm and clear limits about what you will and won't do, and what behaviors you cannot accept or encourage. Being respectful of others and requiring<i> </i>respect back from others is something that only you can do.<br />
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It's a healthy response to develop the backbone to not be an enabler. This is reworking your part of the parent-child dance, doing your best to help your adult son or daughter stop blaming, and start addressing the issues in their own life. This takes strength, but it's really the most loving and helpful thing you can do for your adult child: loving them, but stepping away from the drama, setting firm limits, and not feeding the problem. Maybe you're still parenting, but shifting to an appropriate stance for your adult child's situation, and encouraging their strength, health, and emotional growth.<br />
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I do coach families in my counseling office or remotely by phone or skype on this issue. If I can be of help, feel free to email me at christynnelson@gmail.com, or take a look at my coaching and counseling services at christynnelson.com. I often find that a couple of coaching sessions can make a big difference in getting you to play your part differently in the family.<br />
<br />Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com234tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2345633046640587537.post-58494329386585887832015-09-28T13:18:00.000-07:002015-09-28T13:18:52.366-07:00Please Settle Things Down: What Your Children Want You to Know About Divorce<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Did you catch this short, heartfelt video this past week of this sweet little girl, sitting on the stairs at her house explaining to her mom how she wants her divorcing parents to behave? Several friends who are also therapists brought it to my attention, and I think it's well worth watching. It comes straight from her heart.<br />
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This little girl also causes me to reflect on the many children and teens I have seen the last 25 years as a family therapist who shared many of these same feelings with me. If we listened to children's feelings, here are a few points to keep in mind as you make this transition:<br />
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1. Your child or children didn't make this decision. You and/or your partner did. You might be happier, but you have to respect your children's own grief process. It's a huge loss for them of their intact family. Their grief process can take a very long time, and get reawakened as they pass significant life events and you are not together as a family. This would include their graduations, life passages like dances and learning to drive,holidays, weddings.<br />
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2.Be nice. Be respectful to the other parent, no matter what your feelings are for them. You do this as a gift to your children. Remember, you selected that other person to have a family with. Your children probably still strongly need and value that other parent you are no longer interested in or are dividing assets with. Your child will thank you down the road for being kind.<br />
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3. Keep the children out of the middle as much as you possibly can. <br />
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4. Find an adult listener who is not your child. You have your own feelings---anger, fear, sadness and more but it's dreadful for your child to hear it. <br />
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5. Hold on to the adult/child boundaries. In separation and divorce, children can be scared and teens can test the limits to see if you're still parenting. Maintain bedtimes, homework time, mealtimes. Make it a point to still play with and enjoy time with each child and together as a household. Keep taking an interest in their lives. Divorcing parents can get so overwhelmed with their own feelings. Also, please keep everyone sleeping in their own bed.<br />
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6. Listen, deeply from your heart. Ask your children how they are doing. Find out if they want or need more support, like individual or family counseling or a divorce group for kids to get help adjusting. Remind them that anything they are feeling is okay. Be fully present when you are with your children, not being distracted by your phone.<br />
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7. Avoid badmouthing the other parent. Watch angry texting and emails as well because they create a tense environment between households that will impact the children. Try to avoid drama, like calling the police, unless it is a true emergency. It's traumatic for the children to watch that happen.<br />
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8. Wait to date. I've worked with teens whose parents are just barely separated and mom or dad are sharing their dating experiences on Tinder which is scary for them. Your children need to be your focus for quite a while. Usually, children want to be center stage and have parents be stable, supportive and available to help, not crazy in love.<br />
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9.Don't unload your stresses on the kids. Manage your stress with exercise, support from friends and family, a good therapist who can help you process your grief and understand your part. Don't worry the kids with your worries. Keep alcohol use to a minimum. Make a stress management plan for your own self-care.<br />
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10. Let the kids know things on a need to know basis, and as it is developmentally appropriate. It doesn't help kids to know the other parent cheated on you. On the other hand, if the other parent gets incarcerated don't tell the kids something vague like they are away or working out of town. Children need to feel like they know the key aspects of what's happening in their own families. If in doubt, call a family therapist or your pediatrician for advice.<br />
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11. Provide reassurance. Let the children know they didn't cause the divorce, and that you did love the other parent when you met. Let them know that you are still their parents and are still going to work together as a team on their behalf. Make custody change days as smooth as possible, or have custody changes occur from school pick up to avoid scenes.<br />
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12. Realize you aren't really getting rid of the person you are divorcing. When you have children, you are connected through those children, and if you are so lucky, by grandchildren later as well. Act accordingly.<br />
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13. Limit the changes as much as you possibly can. If you can keep the children's schools the same, do it. It would be great if you could stay in the same residence, and the other parent move nearby. If you can't, stay as close to the children's friends, school and grandparents as you can.<br />
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Divorce is hard for children. You have it in your power to minimize the pain for your children. You'll be so happy you chose a mutually respectful and child-centered way to navigate this family transition. <br />
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<br />Life Lessonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00059101479095237739noreply@blogger.com0