7 Ways to Be Her Hero

Doug Fields has a great new book in which he targets advice for men about stepping up and becoming the man their partner can love and respect. It's called 7 Ways To Be Her Hero: The One Your Wife Has Been Waiting For (W Publishing Group 2014). While Doug has a background in ministry and church leadership, he's an entertaining and approachable writer and speaker whose book has universal truths no matter your background.

Fields encourages each person to develop some depth, as well as slowing down to get out of living life like a NASCAR race. There is more to life than speed. Quality relationships take time, effort and intention. Anyone can fall in love, all it takes is a pulse. It's keeping the connection that is admirable and requires that people dig deeper into understanding themselves and the other person.

So what does Fields recommend that men do to become their partner's hero?

1. Edit. Don't say everything you think. Avoid defensiveness and criticism.

2. Choose your words carefully. Use them to support, encourage and build up your partner. Be sincere and specific. Notice what is loving and right in the other person. Let them know when and how they positively impact your life. Fields recalls Gary Chapman's five love languages, encouraging men to find out whether their partner prefers:

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

When you identify your partner's preferred language, use it.

3. Become a world-class listener. Ask questions to deepen your understanding. Make eye contact. Don't multi-task. This creates emotional intimacy. Try to grow beyond sharing clichés, facts and opinions into the deeper levels of sharing feelings and needs.

4. Go big with small things. Be generous emotionally by noticing her preferences and needs. Pay attention and do small actions that will please her. Doug shares great examples in his book of moving past selfishness to being sensitive to making your partner's day easier or better.

5. Increase non-sexual touch, like holding hands, hugging and kissing hello or goodbye, sitting by her on the couch, or touching her gently when you pass her. It's been said that when it comes to sexuality, men can be like microwave ovens and women are more like crock pots. Gentle, non-sexual, non-demanding, affectionate touch is something that most women want more of.

6. Putting the pride aside. Great guys can apologize and admit mistakes. Humility and confidence are a winning combination.

7. Care for her heart. Help her heal from childhood wounds and past relationship pain through your devotion and steadfastness. Point out her strengths and the things you love about her. Fill her tank. Help her to feel safe by being trustworthy and honest. Inspire her respect by being impeccable with your word.

Doug Fields' insights come partly from many years of facilitating and leading men's groups, speaking with women, and his own marriage. 7 Ways to Be Her Hero is a quick, easy read and has lots of relatable vignettes. It's a gem of a book that just might make a big difference in your own life, or the life of the man you love. Emotional intimacy in relationships is built one day at a time, and this book can give you practical tools to do it.

Try to See It My Way: Building Empathy

I can spot couples who are going to make good progress in couples counseling often from the first meeting. They practice, or are willing to learn several very valuable things. Each recognizes that their point of view is not the only one, and they can put themselves in their partner's position and empathize with how they might be feeling. In addition, each partner can apologize, change their behavior and make repairs as they are needed.

In any relationship, one person is not 'right' all the time. (Even you, sorry!)

Both people need to be able to apologize and ask for forgiveness when it is needed. Healing can only occur when those hurts are talked through. I've seen incredible healing happen in my counseling office between partners and family members when this happens in a way that feels genuine and heartfelt.

One-way relationships build resentment, whether between romantic partners, in a friendship, or between an adult child and parent. The healthiest relationships are reciprocal with thoughtfulness, care and loving behaviors. Relationships get out of balance and are draining when one person is always the giver.

There are often two different perspectives on most situations couples and families disagree about. What matters the most to me is finding a mature, calm and respectful way to talk through differences. (No tantrums, bullying, threats, withholding, name-calling, pouting, etc.)

Understanding the other person's perspective takes stopping to listen attentively from the heart. It takes being brave enough not to shut down or get defensive. Active listening helps a great deal, where you put in your own words what you heard the other person say, without editorializing. For example, "When I was late, you felt hurt and disrespected, and next time you'd like me to be on time."

Traveling to other states and countries always reminds me that the little corner of the universe where I live is just that. There are lots of other places, traditions, cultures and lifestyles. In a similar way, the other people we are in close relationships with have their own feelings, perceptions and needs. They have their own temperament and experiences.The less egocentric we can become about being 'right', and understanding that their are several truths in many situations, the healthier our relationships can become. It also helps as feedback so that we can grow emotionally, by understanding how our behavior is perceived by others.

Try to see it my way? Yes, and let's try a bit harder to see it the other person's way as well. Sometimes there are two rights, and understanding and mutual respect is often more important in relationships than winning.

Two Secrets of Great Relationships: Listen and Reveal

With Valentine's Day coming up this week, there are people scrambling for gift ideas: jewelry, perfume, dinner someplace special, and cards that are loving, funny or flirty. After several powerful hours spent this week with couples I am seeing for emotionally-focused couples counseling, I've been thinking that there are two most significant gifts you can give in a relationship.  They are actually free. They are listening effectively and well to the other person, and speaking up with your partner to reveal more about yourself, your emotions and interior life.

We often don't get trained growing up to listen very well. I find that many people may pause or stop speaking, but they are not actively listening from the heart. Try to remember: who are the people in your life who have REALLY listened from the heart? They will stand out. Did you have a parent who really listened? Were your parents too busy with work or their own problems?

Even if you've never had someone who really listened in your life, it's a learnable skill. You can be the first in your family or in your relationship.

It's important to do some self reflection about yourself as a listener. Do you make eye contact with your partner when they are speaking with you? Can you put away distractions? Do you interrupt? Do you ask questions to more deeply understand something the other person is expressing to you? Do you summarize what they have expressed to make certain that you understand? Can you be honest if you do not have time to listen and ask to meet up again later so that you can listen more completely?

Here are the keys to being an exceptional listener:

1. Stay calm. Don't get defensive or cross-complain. Try not to overreact or take it personally.

2. Ask questions to deepen your understanding. Develop a curiosity about the other person. You don't know it all about your partner, and you never will. That's what keeps things fresh and interesting.

3. Remind yourself to stay open, and not get upset. This way you can support your partner in sharing more with you. They will shut down if you get reactive.

4. Express empathy. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Imagine how they might be feeling about what they are expressing. Respond with what makes sense about how they may be feeling. You can hold on to you and still empathize with their feelings. It will help your partner relax with you to know that you empathize with them. They will feel more partnered and less alone.

5. Recap. As accurately as you can (without any spin), restate in your own words what your partner has shared with you. Ask if you have understood correctly. Ask if they wish to tell you more.

Doesn't being listened to this way by someone you love sound like it would feel wonderful? It does! I have seen couples visibly soften with each other, feel closer, and be moved to tears with this kind of listening.

The other key relationship building skill is learning to initiate conversations----even difficult ones---- and reveal one's self. What's the best way to do that?

1. Ask your partner for a time to talk. Ask them to be your active listener (as above). Make sure your partner is engaged and ready.

2. Pick one, and only one, topic to focus on. Describe what you want.

3. Share your thoughts and your feelings. Go for the vulnerable feelings underneath, such as sadness, loneliness, rejection, hurt, guilt, etc.

4. Avoid accusing, name calling and blaming. That will shut your partner down or make it nearly impossible for them not to get defensive. Focus on your own part.

5. Be open to learning more about yourself. See what you can learn about how you react, feel, and process experiences.

Having great relationships isn't just about finding the right person or buying them the best gifts.Truly great love relationships are where you challenge yourself to grow emotionally, listen  more deeply from the heart ,and learn to speak up and reveal more of yourself in ways that allow your partner to get closer. Understanding someone you love and their vulnerabilities, and having them understand you is about the best gift I know of.

The Next Generation: Teens and Twenty-Somethings

Young people born between 1980 and 2000 are being called "The Millennials" and "Generation Y." They are the children of baby boomers, and are in their teens and twenties now. They're different from previous generations in a number of important ways. The week of May 20, Time ran a cover story by Joel Stein, called "The Me, Me, Me Generation: Millennials are Lazy, Entitled Narcissists Who Still Live With Their Parents, And Why They'll Save Us All." There are some essential qualities and values worth understanding about this next generation.

Baby boomers were born from about 1943 through 1960. Boomers grew up in the suburbs, affected by hippies and the summer of love in the 60s, became yuppies, lost money in the stock market and during the Great Recession. Boomers are working longer and postponing retirement due to their financial setbacks.

In contrast, Generation X, born from 1961 through 1980, grew up as latchkey kids, often with divorced parents. This group grew up with a sense of boredom, and studies show them often earning less in real dollars than their parents, which didn't use to happen, historically speaking.

So what's unique about millennials?

1. Their parents tried to pump up their self-esteem while they were growing up. Many of them are very disappointed in their careers. They have a high likelihood of unmet career expectations and low levels of career satisfaction. They were used to getting trophies, and having parents who praised them. They expect to succeed, and quickly.

2. High levels of entitlement. Many millennials have to learn that they can't start at the top, email the CEO, or skip work projects they find boring.

3. They're networked. They interact all day long, mostly through screens. Cell phones help them socialize 24/7. They use Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Snapchat, and Twitter. Most teens send 88 texts each day. The influence of friends is omnipresent. In his book, Idisorder, psychology professor Larry Rosen notes this generation can get a dopamine hit from people liking their status updates,and can get anxious if they can't check their phones. These changes in communication technology have changed dating, friendships, work, family relationships, free time, and even job searches.

4. Studies show this generation is less empathetic, probably due to less face-to-face time, more social media and self-promotion. They love their cell phones, but are often uncomfortable in conversations. They have FOMO (Fear of Missing Out On Things), because other people appear so busy and happy on social media.

4. They take longer to grow up. Obamacare recently provided insurance coverage  in the US for dependent children up to age 26. Many young adults are living with their parents longer, and spending longer trying to find a career that is fulfilling and meaningful, not one that just pays the bills. They marry later. They have children later. They do most things later in life than previous generations.

5. Narcissism is at higher levels in this age group. Millennials grew up on reality television, which is a sort of training ground for narcissism. Studies show higher levels of narcissism among this age group than in previous generations. They like positive feedback and approval from others.

6. They have different expectations of work than previous generations. Money isn't enough. They want self-actualization. I found it interesting that in his Time article, Stein notes that at DreamWorks, 25% of the employees are under age 30. The studio has a very high retention rate (96%) and offers classes in photography, sculpting, painting, cinematography, and karate that employees can take during work hours. All of these benefits are highly attractive to millennials, who care deeply about work/life balance, and negotiating work schedules and time off.

7. They rebel less than previous generations. They are accepting of differences between people. Millennials are tolerant. They have their own microgroups, with unique music, media, and cultural interests. They are not as homogenous as previous generations of young people who may have shared one genre of popular music, the same television culture, etc.

8. They are less religious. They believe in God, but at least 30% of people under age 30 don't go to church and are religiously unaffiliated. This is less than any previous generation.

9. They are careful with money, having less debt than their parents. They have taken on student loans, but take on less credit card debt and household debt. (Maybe living longer at home is helping them get further ahead before launching?)

10. This next generation is realistic, pragmatic, and optimistic. You could call it pragmatic idealism.

These are, of course, broad generalizations about generational trends. There are individual differences that may account for some teens and twenty-somethings not fitting in these broader brush strokes. Whether we choose to see the positive or negative contributions this next generation will make to our society is up to each of us. Just like the similarities we see in our parents and grandparents who weathered the Great Depression, the next generation is having a different life experience, partially defined by the times they are coming of age in. The Time cover story from May 20 is well worth reading and discussing.

For those of us who have children or grandchildren in their teenage years and 20s, this article about the unique challenges our next generation faces reminds us to reach out to do what we can to guide and encourage their development. I believe in the wonderful young people I know in this age group. I feel hopeful about their future, and their ability to improve the world. As adults who care about them, we can take up our role to encourage them to work hard, be industrious and self-motivated, volunteer as early and often as possible to develop empathy, practice engaging in face-to-face communication starting in our families, and develop their character and faith. Their generation has its unique benefits as well as hardships, and it is our role to help encourage, develop and influence them for good, rather than stand by and lament.

Stop Expecting Mind-Reading

When we are young and idealize falling in love, many of us imagined a perfect partner who reads our mind and intuits our needs and wants. Later, the mature person of any age begins to realize that if you are going to have any success in relationships with other people, that's really NOT a healthy or realistic expectation to have. We need to grow up emotionally and make an internal shift on this point.

In emotionally healthy adult relationships, each person needs to be able to reflect and sort out what they are feeling, and what they want to request of the other people in their life. Nobody is ever going to read your mind telepathically and deliver your unstated needs to you by UPS. It doesn't work like that. The sooner you can learn to reduce your expectations of others in this area, the happier you can become. You need to voice your own needs, as well as listen to those of the people who matter to you.

Even the right sensitive, caring partner is not feeling exactly what you are feeling, or understanding the nuances of what you need unless you express it. Sometimes in couples counseling, I find one partner with distorted or "magical" thinking about this, and holding onto childhood fantasies that their perfect partner will know them without any effort on their part. Sorry, but I can pretty much guarantee you that isn't going to happen.

I sometimes find it helpful to think about it being our individual job to identify what we are feeling, and teach others how we want to be loved. We are each different, and you may have a very different love language from your partners'. Neither of you is wrong, but as you accept and learn about the differences between you and your partner----in terms of childhood experiences, unmet needs, unique feelings, and expressed desires---you can actually grow much closer.

As it turns out, assumptions are dangerous in relationships are quite dangerous. For example, here are a few bad ones:

1.      I don't have to tell my partner what I need. They should know. ( A set-up for much disappointment.)

2.      I know everything about my partner. (Watch out! This one could come back to bite you. An attitude of openness and curiosity is actually much more helpful. People change all their lives, hopefully, as we keep living, learning, and evolving.)

3.      My happiness is totally dependent on somebody else making me happy. (Wait! Where's your responsibility for bringing some happiness and sharing it with your partner?)

4.      My partner should always be the one to court me, or reach out to me. (Actually, everyone likes to feel that your partner initiates time and positive contact with you. This shouldn't be one directional.)

Let's put that myth to rest that an ideal, mythical partner will read your mind, understand your feelings without any effort on your part, and meet all your needs. The good news is that you will be a better person and a better role model for your children if you are a grown-up who takes grown-up sized responsibility for sorting out your own upset feelings and asserting yourself in a healthy, appropriate way. That's the grown-up adaptation of that childhood wish, well resolved.

Finding Your Voice

For both teenage girls and adult women, asserting yourself and finding an acceptable way to ask for what you really want can be a challenge. There are social and cultural messages girls get growing up that contribute to women being more hesitant to speak up, and more likely to defer to the needs of others.

Sometimes women grow up thinking that if they find the right partner, he will intuit your needs. You won't have to speak up. This, however, is not a healthy expectation. Even if you find a caring, genuine partner, all adults need to learn to sort out their own internal experiences, give direct feedback in a constructive way, and ask for what they need emotionally in relationships. No one ever reads your mind. There is no perfect relationship that doesn't need any of your input or requests for adjustments.

One safe way to ask for what you want is to put it in this assertion formula: "When you_______________________(other person's behavior),I feel_____________________(your feeling), and next time, I'd like you to____________________________(their behavior. This little assertion recipe, if delivered in a calm and respectful way, will guarantee that you that you are asserting yourself appropriately, not too aggressively.

It can also be helpful to consider the transactional analysis concept of ego states: we each have an inner child, critical parent, nurturing parent, and an adult ego state within us. If we stay in our inner child state, we are afraid to tell others what we need, and we wait passively hoping that those closest to us will read our mind, as if by magic. If we are stuck in critical parent mode, we attack others if we don't get what we want or need. If we come from the adult ego state, we express our needs appropriately and clearly, and listen to the needs of others. In our adult state, we make compromises and solve problems together, communicating from our inner adult and trying to "hook" the other person's adult state.

Finding your voice is a lifelong task. You can get better and better at it. Communicating effectively in an appropriate way feels good, and increases your self-confidence as an individual. Effective communication in relationships takes both people operating at a healthy level. How is your partner ever going to hit the mark without your input? While you can't build healthier relationships all by yourself, you can know that you are doing your personal best to be honest, open and expressive in your most important relationships. Sometimes amazing things happen when you communicate more openly and maturely and see what happens. You can change the dance steps in most relationships by changing your own.

Blame

A parent comes in to counseling and complains that their teenager shuts them out,and doesn't respond well when they approach to discuss problems. The parent is convinced that it is 100% the teen's fault they are not close.That's just how teens are,they say.

A married adult comes in blaming their partner for not meeting their needs, the relationship getting stale,and them feeling disengaged. If only their partner was more fit/worked at a better job/ a better conversationalist/more sexual/more fun/etc. They recognize they are no longer "in love", and are passively waiting to see if their partner fixes things enough for them to stay.They get a false sense of power from hanging out in ambivalence.

An adult whines about their job and their boss, but does nothing to try to improve the situation.They badmouth their supervisor and the company, but don't take responsibility for finding solutions,or finding another job or a career that is a better fit.They rationalize that they can't be expected to give much to their family, because they are so stressed out or unhappy with work.


What is the common denominator in each of these scenarios? Each time we have a person stuck playing the blame game,and assigning 100% of the blame to the OTHER person.It is almost impossible to move a situation forward in a constructive way or improve a relationship when people are stuck in blame.It prevents people from considering some key things:

~What could I do differently?

~How am I contributing to this problem with my attitude and my behavior?

~Can I put aside my ego and ASK for honest feedback on what I can do better with my teenager,my marriage,or my job?

~If I get feedback, can I listen with my heart,and not dismiss the feedback to protect my pride?

~Is it a comfortable bad habit for me to project my insecurities,frustrations,and dissatisfactions on a person,relationship, or job?

~ What AM I DOING that undermines this marriage,relationship,or job? Do I use poor timing or approach in talking with my teenager about problems? Am I undermining my own marriage by texting past or potential partners,or doing other disloyal,secretive behavior? Do I do nurturing,loving actions and behaviors for my partner that make them feel important,cherished,and valued?Do I put in poor quality work at my job and justify it somehow?

I know I have an emotionally mature person to work with when they can look past blame, and introspect with an open heart about what they contribute to any situation non-defensively.Every relationship has a dance, and by changing your own dance steps you redefine the dance.It's been said that in relationships each person may wish to get the other person to change, but we need to grow to realize that we can only change ourselves. The best relationship improvements come when each are open-minded,not rigid,and own our own baggage.This is the stuff great relationships and great lives are made of.

The 3,000 Mile Relationship Check-Up

Your car and your closest relationships have something in common. They each take maintenance. If you drove your car for years without changing the oil, getting it washed or taking it for factory recommended sevice,you could get stranded somewhere. Your investment in your car would be lost. While you probably don't treat your car that way(I hope!),you might be ignoring important service lights on your most important relationships. If you marry your beloved and assume things are fine because they still show up for dinner, you are making a big mistake.

It always makes me sad when couples arrive at my office too late for me to help.The resentment and hurt have built up sky high and they have no common interests. They may be ignoring each other or hiding behind the overfocus on the children.Both feel taken for granted.Nobodys' needs are being met, and the relationship can feel like co-task sharers, completely without passion and spark.How does this happen? These two people picked each other and fell in love at one time.

There is an elegantly simple and effective tool you can use to check-in on how you are doing in your relationship. You can ASK! Invite your partner on a 20-minute walk with you once a month. Ask how you are doing in the relationship with them, and if there is anything more,or different,that you can do to make them feel special to you. Then LISTEN. I suggest leaving the house and going on a walk so you can give each other your full attention,without interruption.

Arrange for the interaction to be as positive and future-oriented as possible.Try to give each other constructive feedback that gives your partner specific ideas of how to better meet your needs. For example, instead of telling your partner that they never give you attention(black/white thinking), ask them if they could send give you a hug when you get home from work, or call you once a day to say something sweet and personal. Positive and specific motivates people best. Otherwise,your partner gets discouraged, hopeless that it will ever be enough,and they suspect you are the black whole of Calcutta.

Hopefully when you offer this check-in for your partner, they will want to respond and get feedback on how they are doing with you as well. That is the desired outcome! The best relationships are when we have two caring people both striving to be undefended and open to the differences between you. Warning:it is very likely that differnt things make you feel loved(read "The 5 Love Languages").Those differences are normal.Don't belittle or judge your partners' requests.

This check-in, or callibration meeting,could have the potential power to keep your most important investment,your love relationship, on track, dynamic and alive. I believe all relationships are always changing. Why not take charge, be brave anough to be vulnerable, and challenge yourself to grow into an even more loving person and partner?Whether you try this strategy with your partner, or your child, ther is much to be gained by being open to feedback fom people who matter.When are you taking your walk?

Communicating Effectively With Your Teenager

When people plan to have a child, most picture a sweet little baby who fills your heart with love. Most people aren't prepared for the teenager they become a decade or so later. If we knew in advance that they would be moody, or push the limits, or talk back, would we cancel our order?

To be a good enough parent of a teenager, it helps if you can recall how it felt when you were a teen yourself. It's a tough in-between age, where you are no longer a child, but you don't yet have the freedoms of being an adult. Can you remember feeling really self-conscious about your changing body, and the current state of your complexion? Teens worry about whether they have enough or the right friends,rejection,popularity,getting a boy/girlfriend,grades,getting into college, growing up, and about handling the future. That's quite a lot to worry about. Many teens also worry about family problems more than parents realize---a parents' drinking,arguing and unhappiness between parents,financial stress,illness,divorce,parents' dating and affairs, and more. Perhaps you can connect with the things you worried about in your family when you were growing up.

To communicate effectively with your teen, the adult needs to see past moodiness or difficult attitudes, and remain loving and kind. The adult needs to show the maturity not to be reactive and hostile back. It is important to build on your teens' strengths, take an interest in their activities and friends, and actively listen more than you talk. The adult needs to take the lead in setting a warm, friendly tone at home. Smile. Greet them. Welcome their friends gathering at your house. Set reasonable limits, and enforce them consistently. Teach and empower them to learn to do as much for themselves as they can, knowing this will help them feel more capable.(Think part-time or summer job,learning to do their own laundry,and how to cook basic meals.)Be interested in their future dreams, and help them work towards them.

If you are a step-parent, you need to try even harder. You don't have the built-in biological advantage, and there is all of that horrible "step-parent as ogre" imagery in the Disney classics. Be nice and be loving, and don't be petty or critical. Let the biological parent, your spouse, be the heavy and provide the discipline as needed. You just love them up, and provide support and encouragement.

Here are some other tips from Active Parenting of Teens. Avoid these common communication breakdowns:

*commanding, ordering, directing
*giving advice
*placating
*interrogating
*distracting/storytelling about yourself
*interpreting/analyzing/psychologizing
*sarcasm
*moralizing
*know-it-all
*judging/criticizing/blaming
*name-calling,ridiculing,shaming
*withdrawing/ignoring
*threatening

All of the above behaviors will make your teen shut down and give up on you. Don't push the teen you love, and live with, away. Open up the communication by being a beneficial presence in their lives. If you want them to trust you and open up to you, you will need to earn it by demonstrating love, optimism, hope, and belief in your teen even at the hardest times. That sweet,vulnerable child is still in there, just struggling to make their way through the turbulent teenage years. You will be so glad later that you didn't give up, and hung in there to go the distance until your teen makes it safely into adulthood.

The Approachable Parent

Think back into your growing up years in middle school and high school. When you had something that you were concerned about, who did you open up to? Did you feel comfortable enough to talk with either of your parents? Today's blog entry is about becoming an approachable parent, and steps to become one.

Let's start by thinking about the qualities of a friend you might open up to now, as an adult, about something you are concerned about. My guess is that you are MORE likely to open up with someone who is:

*a good listener
*non-judgemental
*cares about you
*has a wise, well-balanced perspective
*confidential (isn't going to tell others)
*calm
*patient
*forgiving
*doesn't tell stories and get the focus back on themself
*calm,not a hot reactor
*doesn't give advice or suggestions unless asked to do so
*empathizes
*warm
*available, will make time for you a priority
*instills hope, doesn't give up on you
*makes eye contact, doesn't multi-task while talking with you
*makes you feel important

Teens tell me that they shut down and go elsewhere to discuss problems or heartfelt concerns when parents are dictators, yell,react,judge, berate, or are otherwise hard to talk to. No parent is perfect (me included), but when you can be an approachable parent MOST of the time, it can transform your relationship with your son or daughter. Over time, your child or teen will grow more confidence in their ability to be safe opening up to you.

Building strong families and healthy relationships has everything to do with creating a sense of ease that "we can talk about anything or get through any obstacle together". Being relationship saavy means realizing you can not only use the approachability factor with your children, but also your partner, your siblings,your older parents, your grandchildren, etc. When those closest to you feel safe to open up when they are hurting it is one measure of true intimacy.

When changes, loss, or challenges are going on in the family it is especially an important time to be approachable. When you are in emotional pain yourself, it is easy to forget about how scary a death, separation, divorce, job loss, or move can be for your son or daughter. Sharing only age-appropriate information, keeping adult/child boundaries, and being emotionally available to your children is critically important at these times. It will help your child move through a difficult life transition effectively, and you will be aware if they need professional support like counseling.

So, put away the laptop, the iphone, and turn off the tv a bit this week. Ask a child or teen that you love how they are, how they feel about the new school year starting, or how their friends are doing. Pick a relaxed setting,and be low-key in your approach. As adults, it is up to us to raise the level of openness and interest in how the young person's life is going. We don't want our sons or daughters to experience us being to self-absorbed to care, or to difficult to talk to. If they are out of the habit of trusting you enough to open up, it may take a while. Don't give up. We are here for the long run, and your efforts to be more approachable will make a difference in the months and years ahead.