How to Tell Your Kids You're Getting a Divorce

Children need to know what is happening in their family: here's how to have that difficult conversation you don't want to have. Read a recent Orange County Register article on telling your children about divorce here.

Please Settle Things Down: What Your Children Want You to Know About Divorce

Did you catch this short, heartfelt video this past week of this sweet little girl, sitting on the stairs at her house explaining to her mom how she wants her divorcing parents to behave? Several friends who are also therapists brought it to my attention, and I think it's well worth watching. It comes straight from her heart.

This little girl also causes me to reflect on the many children and teens I have seen the last 25 years as a family therapist who shared many of these same feelings with me. If we listened to children's feelings, here are a few points to keep in mind as you make this transition:

1. Your child or children didn't make this decision. You and/or your partner did. You might be happier, but you have to respect your children's own grief process. It's a huge loss for them of their intact family. Their grief process can take a very long time, and get reawakened as they pass significant life events and you are not together as a family. This would include their graduations, life passages like dances and learning to drive,holidays, weddings.

2.Be nice. Be respectful to the other parent, no matter what your feelings are for them. You do this as a gift to your children. Remember, you selected that other person to have a family with. Your children probably still strongly need and value that other parent you are no longer interested in or are dividing assets with. Your child will thank you down the road for being kind.

3. Keep the children out of the middle as much as you possibly can.  

4. Find an adult listener who is not your child. You have your own feelings---anger, fear, sadness and more but it's dreadful for your child to hear it.

5. Hold on to the adult/child boundaries. In separation and divorce, children can be scared and teens can test the limits to see if you're still parenting. Maintain bedtimes, homework time, mealtimes. Make it a point to still play with and enjoy time with each child and together as a household. Keep taking an interest in their lives. Divorcing parents can get so overwhelmed with their own feelings. Also, please keep everyone sleeping in their own bed.

6. Listen, deeply from your heart. Ask your children how they are doing. Find out if they want or need more support, like individual or family counseling or a divorce group for kids to get help adjusting. Remind them that anything they are feeling is okay. Be fully present when you are with your children, not being distracted by your phone.

7. Avoid badmouthing the other parent. Watch angry texting and emails as well because they create a tense environment between households that will impact the children. Try to avoid drama, like calling the police, unless it is a true emergency. It's traumatic for the children to watch that happen.

8. Wait to date. I've worked with teens whose parents are just barely separated and mom or dad are sharing their dating experiences on Tinder which is scary for them. Your children need to be your focus for quite a while. Usually, children want to be center stage and have parents be stable, supportive and available to help, not crazy in love.

9.Don't unload your stresses on the kids. Manage your stress with exercise, support from friends and family, a good therapist who can help you process your grief and understand your part. Don't worry the kids with your worries. Keep alcohol use to a minimum. Make a stress management plan for your own self-care.

10. Let the kids know things on a need to know basis, and as it is developmentally appropriate. It doesn't help kids to know the other parent cheated on you. On the other hand, if the other parent gets incarcerated don't tell the kids something vague like they are away or working out of town. Children need to feel like they know the key aspects of what's happening in their own families. If in doubt, call a family therapist or your pediatrician for advice.

11. Provide reassurance. Let the children know they didn't cause the divorce, and that you did love the other parent when you met. Let them know that you are still their parents and are still going to work together as a team on their behalf. Make custody change days as smooth as possible, or have custody changes occur from school pick up to avoid scenes.

12. Realize you aren't really getting rid of the person you are divorcing. When you have children, you are connected through those children, and if you are so lucky, by grandchildren later as well. Act accordingly.

13. Limit the changes as much as you possibly can. If you can keep the children's schools the same, do it. It would be great if you could stay in the same residence, and the other parent move nearby. If you can't, stay as close to the children's friends, school and grandparents as you can.

Divorce is hard for children. You have it in your power to minimize the pain for your children. You'll be so happy you chose a  mutually respectful and child-centered way to navigate this family transition.

Easing Post-College Transition for Your Child and Yourself

Finishing college is a huge accomplishment. Next comes the post-college transition, which is often more difficult than expected. It can involve your grad moving back home while he looks for work or considers what’s next. After the “high” of graduation, the next chapter can feel like a letdown. He may not be happy to be home and probably misses living independently. Dealing with entrances and exits from the family system can be difficult. Here are some tips that can help your child launch, and assist if he or she decides to re-enter the nest.

Continue reading my article for OC Family here. 

Want a Closer Family? Eat Together

Dinner is about more than just the food you are eating. Eating together as a family is the emotional connecting point of the day. For busy families who are often running in different directions to work, school or sports activities, it’s more important than ever to reserve time to bond.

Read my article from the Orange County Register about family dinners here.

Before 'I Do' : The Case For Pre-Marital Counseling

Is pre-marital counseling a good idea for most couples? Absolutely. It's very easy to get caught up planning the details of the wedding, reception and honeymoon. Many couples don't ever get to some of the tough issues that couples need to discuss about building their life together after the wedding is over. The wedding is really just the starting line for your relationship.

It can also really help to have an objective and professional person whose job it is to focus on all the potential areas for conflict and guide you on how to handle them. You can learn in pre-marital counseling how to set a foundation to work through future concerns in an empathic, mature and open way. We know all couples have conflict, so learning how you can work through them in a calm, respectful way before you walk down the aisle is a huge benefit. The counselor's office can be the best and safest place to identify and learn how to work with your differences as a couple.

Sometimes couples are "so in love" that they are not looking at challenges and differences in a realistic way. Each partner was raised in their own family, and bring their own unique style of expressing affection, ways to work through or avoid conflict, partner roles, and the balance of separateness/togetherness. Whatever you saw happen in your family feels 'normal' to you. Being able to identify the strengths and weaknesses in each of the families you grew up in with help you illuminate the differences between you in a non-defensive setting. You may or may not want the relationship your parents had, and your partner had their own experiences.

Couples who marry in their 20's or 30's may not be fully individuated from their own families. Couples who remarry later can underestimate what it takes in emotional maturity to blend a family together and be a stepparent to their partner's children. Being pushed hard by a therapist on how you will handle conflicts over in-laws, parenting, money, debt, affection/sex, religion/spirituality, holidays and other pivotal issues is very helpful so that you have a plan. Think of pre-marital counseling like a preemptive strike. You will have different wants and needs, so having a safe way to discuss them is so important. Your partner may be very loving, but will never read your mind.

In last summer's findings in the National Marriage Project, they found that couples who've had pre-marital counseling do better. The odds of having a happy marriage are linked to how people functioned in their relationships before marriage.

Taking the time to address how you will handle difficult topics, like personal boundaries, jealousy, intimacy, work stress, family demands, feelings about having children, and limits you will put on distractions to couples time (cellphones, tablets, television) is time well invested in your happiness as a couple. In short, counseling before you get married helps you keep the emphasis on the life you are building together, rather than just one, big eventful day. Successful marriages take loving, honoring,
communicating respectfully, listening, negotiating and seeing the other person's perspective. Pre-marital counseling can help you get there.

Self Esteem: A Family Matter

How do you raise a child with high self-esteem and confidence when they tackle life's inevitable challenges? It begins with you, or maybe with your parents. Turns out, everybody has a cup for self esteem, and it can be empty, low, mid-range or high.

Family therapist Virginia Satir was an expert in training other therapists in the communications theory model of family therapy, and wrote the book Peoplemaking. Satir observed in her long career counseling families that people are likely to partner with someone who has a similar level of self-esteem. We are also most likely to raise our children to have the same level of self esteem that we have.

Be aware that your children are listening to your self-talk. If you make negative self-statements, your children are likely to absorb this role modeling. Someone with good self esteem makes mistakes and can take responsibility, learn from it and let it go. They don't verbally beat themselves up, saying "I'm so stupid" or "I'm fat", etc. You may want to pause and consider how you respond when you make a mistake or don't get something you wanted.

You may want to address your own self-esteem level if it is low. You can decide to have a family legacy of insecurity or low self-esteem stop with you, and not pass it on. You may want to imagine what you would be doing, how you would be behaving if your self-esteem were higher and challenge yourself to grow some.

Besides working on your own self-esteem, there are other ways you can help your children master higher self-esteem. Here are a few tips to get started:

1. Teach your child life skills that are age appropriate. Confidence is built by feeling capable of doing as much for yourself as you can. Even toddlers can be encouraged to pick up after playing with toys. Grade school children need some chores at home. I like middle school students to learn practical skills like cooking and laundry. Make sure both girls and boys get experience with inside and outside chores.

2. Encourage your child's developing of their hobbies and interests. Let them choose, rather than making it about your needs and unfulfilled leftover dreams. A well-developed set of interests outside of academics helps protect a child's self-esteem even when they have a difficult class or teacher that they are dealing with.

3. Help your child find a way that they like to get outside and get regular exercise. This will help their mood and give them a regular outlet to cope in a healthy way with the stress kids and teens feel, and build lasting strategies that will serve them well in college and as an adult.

4. Encourage your child's friendships. Make your home a place where friends can come over at all ages. Get to know their friends. Serve snacks. Developing friendships and social skills helps protect self-esteem.

5. Help your child develop boundaries and learn to voice their opinions appropriately. Family meetings once a week at dinner are a great place to practice.

6. Support your child develop their faith and spirituality. This aspect of self is grounding and will help when they are dealing with difficulty and disappointment.

7. Help your child learn to be grateful, and express appreciation to others.

8. Encourage your child to give back to others and contribute. Children and teens who learn to transcend selfishness end up having not only better college application essays, but more successful  relationships and self-esteem. You can volunteer together with your children at a food bank, or some other cause you care about.

9. Role model healthy relationships, and working through conflicts fairly.

People with higher self-esteem still encounter difficulty and disappointment, but they attribute the set-backs differently and don't see it as a never-ending pattern of defeat. You are your child's first and most important teacher when it comes to self-esteem. This is just one more way, if we choose to accept the challenge, that being a parent can be a growing experience for the parent as well as the child.

Difficult Conversations: Let's Be Honest and Direct

Things are so much less complicated and simpler if you are honest in your relationships. Don't wimp out by avoiding difficult but potentially healing conversations. By going direct, you talk with the right person who can potentially do something different in response to your concern. By being indirect and talking with a third party, you triangulate and make any relationship problem more difficult to solve.

In my counseling practice, I often see relationships get damaged when people break trust by not being brave enough to be honest and direct. All grown ups need to develop their courage enough to have difficult conversations that need to happen. While going direct can seem intimidating or scary, it usually works out with a better ending. Being direct, honest, and transparent with those you love makes you respect yourself more, and ultimately shows more care for the other person. It gives them a chance to do things differently with you and perhaps open up with more of their true feelings.

The poet Mark Nepo writes that when we aren't honest it is as if we put on gloves that separate us from the people and events in our life. There is something unnatural coming between us.

When is honesty and directness needed?

• When we are unhappy in a relationship, or feel our most important needs aren't being met.

• When we are hurt by someone's behavior who matters to us.

• When we feel we are being taken for granted.

• When we need to set a limits.

• When we need to do something different.

• When we feel disrespected or misunderstood.

By being honest, we allow the other person to help in making things better, more fun or upgraded between us. It is a shared responsibility to make a relationship vital, engaging and supportive. While it might be scary to be honest, it gives the other person the respect they deserve, a chance to improve things rather than be blind-sided, or just notice that you fade away. Relationships are dynamic and always changing and without healing conversations, the relationship can't grow.

We need to encourage our children to be brave, direct, and honest as well. Whenever possible, help  empower your child to role-play with you, and handle situations directly at school, with family or with friends as it is age appropriate. If you do it for them, they don't get to build their confidence in relationships.

Having the courage to go direct to the person that you have a problem with makes you grow stronger and more confident. As psychologist and writer Barbara De Angelis wrote, "Living with integrity means: not settling for less than what you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values."

In your relationships, whenever possible, go direct and lead with honesty and your true feelings. Being able to master the ability to have difficult conversations with your partner, your parent, your sibling, your close friend or your child is a key skill for building deep lasting relationships. Avoiding difficult conversations causes relationship atrophy and short circuits your emotional growth. Be brave.

The Hand-Written Note

In this modern age of email communication, text messaging and voicemails, the simple thoughtfulness of a hand-written note stands out from the noise and the crowd. What a wonderful tool for building personal relationships. Don't you love to find a hand-written note in your mailbox, on your desk, or on your pillow? Even the imperfect handwriting of the person who wrote it makes the note more interesting and less mundane.

There is something so personal about taking the time to write in your own handwriting, to say thank you or encourage someone. It means you took the time to think of the other person, and they almost feel that they are speaking with you as they hold your note in their hands. We each get so many emails every week that saying anything personal can easily get lost with the others we sift through.

No matter how expressive you are with creating text messages, like all CAPS and emoticons, it's just not like a note that's been penned just to you that you can save with your treasures.

I like to see people build stronger relationships, both at home and at work. Taking the time to handwrite a quick note of praise, encouragement, or thanks will bring you closer to the other person you reach out to.

At home, I like parents to write notes of encouragement to their children. The focus could be letting them know that you see how hard they are working at a school subject, or their efforts at a sport, or an instrument, or how they are showing maturity, responsibility , or kindness within the family. It's fun to tuck a note like that into their lunch as a surprise or on their desk or pillow. Sometimes parents get so focused on correcting misbehaviors that we underutilize our power to point out what's right with our children and teens.

Teach your children to write personal, brief thank you notes and send them promptly from the time they are little. It's classy, and it teaches manners and relationship building. Have them send thank you notes even if they don't love the gift. It's a great lesson in being gracious. It's good to let them know that the giver put time, effort, and money into the gift, and that they will want to know that your child received it. It's disheartening and disappointing to send a gift and never hear back. A hand-written note is so much better than a text or email. When children are little, you can help them get the cards in the mail before they play with the gifts. You're teaching.

In your love relationship, apply the surprise handwritten note here as well. It feels wonderful to be thought of, appreciated, and cherished. Don't assume your partner knows what you find wonderful about them. Express it in writing! No one likes being taken for granted. Expression helps us avoid depression.

At work, relationships and manners matter here, too. In the April 6 issue of the New York Times, writer Guy Trebay emphasizes that in work settings, showing that you are civilized and took the time to send a note makes you stand out in a good way. It shows you really do care, as opposed to emailing in a rote way. Some people don't understand the necessity of good manners and thankfulness until they get out of college and have a first job. The fashion industry is one mentioned in his article that really cares about details and kindnesses.

Get a box of cards, some forever stamps, a pen, and go at it. Expressing your appreciation, encouragement, and feelings with a hand-written note is sure to help you build happier and more successful relationships, at work and at home. I promise, and you can get that in writing.

Let's Disconnect: Put Down That iPad and Come to the Dinner Table

Families are struggling as they figure out how to cope with family members isolating and plugging into their technology. We've lost the boundaries where parents could easily protect the childhoods of their children. Partners notice how distracted their partner is. Work emails can bleed into evening and weekend space as it shows up on your iPad or iPhone. Children complain about parents that won't put down their phones; parents complain about teenagers doing the same thing.

There is an unspoken message being delivered anytime we are using technology that the person you are presently with is not the most important. It feels bad to be ignored. We long for breaks from feeling plugged-in and anxious. We need deep connection, but it's getting harder to protect emotional space and time for it. We long for being present with intimate others without distraction and multi-tasking. This generation of young people is known as "always on."

What's a family to do?

Psychologist, Harvard Medical School instructor, and writer Catherine Steiner-Adair has written an excellent new guide called The Big Disconnect (Harper Collins Books, 2013). Her book has lots of valuable reminders, such as:

1. Children and teens can't set reasonable limits. You need to be the parent and set off times.

2. Children and families still need time for independent, creative, self-generated play.

3. Make mealtimes family and connecting time: no technology of any kind. Children and parents need to practice and role model social skills and the art of connecting.

4. Don't miss your baby's, child's, or teen's important developmental moments because you are texting.

5. Help preschoolers learn to identify and manage their emotions, learn to take turns, and be patient.
Screen time can't help teach any of those soft skills. They are developed through 1:1 interaction.

6. Have conversations with your children and grandchildren of all ages, including eye contact. These are valuable zones of interaction. Story time or reading together with young children is better than iPad time.

7. Try not to use technology to get children to be quiet or not need you.

8. Be aware how technology accelerates exposure to gender stereotypes, sexuality, aggression, violence, and "cool to be cruel" comments on blogs and social media. Discuss these issues with your children at different developmental points.

9. Beware putting computers and televisions in your children's rooms too early, such as before 13. You may never see them.

10. Facebook and Instagram can emphasize a culture of obsessing about presentation of one's public self.

11. Text messaging gives an artificial sense of pre-planned wittiness and a false sense of confidence. It doesn't translate to in-person social skills.

12. Be an approachable parent, so that your children know they can talk with you about their concerns, and you won't lecture or overreact. In Dr. Steiner-Adair's research, she has learned that kids and teens won't open up and approach parents who are "scary, crazy, or clueless." Scary parents get judgmental, too intense, and harsh. Don't be reactive or hot-headed, or your children won't open up to you about their challenges. Crazy parents hold grudges, and email teachers and coaches when their child doesn't get what they want. Clueless parents are naïve, ineffective, passive, and act like their child's best friend.

13. The best approach is to become a parent who is informed, calm, approachable, and realistic.

The Big Disconnect is well worth reading. It will help you think through keeping the balance of using technology to your advantage, but not being mindless about letting it take over your family's life and connectedness. Don't sit passively by as your family ties loosen.

Engage your children. Simple contracts that your child or teen understands and signs about the conditions for the privilege of using a cell phone you pay for may be a good idea. Encourage texting only about quick details, not as a way to avoid conversations in person. Get the password for the phone, so that if their safety is in danger you can intercede. No sleeping with your phone. Technology has a bedtime. No phones at meals or family times. Ask your children to help you plan some fun time together that doesn't involve technology.

Close relationships and families require in person connecting, undistracted and completely available. Let's disconnect to really connect.

When Adults Throw Tantrums

Have you ever seen a full-grown adult have a meltdown? If you are observant, you can see adult-sized tantrums occur wherever you go, including when driving, at home, at work, in stores, in parking lots, and in restaurants. These tantrums occur when some adults don't get what they want, are frustrated, have to wait, have people cut in front of them, or others don't do what they want.

Adult-sized tantrums, in either women or men, aren't pretty. They actually make you look a bit silly and like you just regressed to a younger age. I like the saying, "You can tell the size of a person by the size of the thing that upsets them."

Tantrums can make you red-faced, throw things, scream, yell, curse, and drive unsafely. Getting into a tantrum can make you feel justified to say extremely hurtful things to both strangers and those you love. Hurtful things that are said can never be erased. The other person could always remember them.

There is a long-lasting impact of tantrums and blowing up with your loved ones. It's hard to get over it. It's very difficult to feel safe enough to be physically or emotionally close to someone you don't feel safe with. You never know when a rupture is going to happen next. It keeps the other person on guard and wary of you.

Here's something else to consider: adult tantrums usually have an audience. What is your partner, your child or teen, your co-worker, employee, or other person thinking and feeling about you when they see you lose it? It makes the adult who is throwing the fit look ridiculous.

When it's your parent who tantrums, it's very confusing and hard for young people to deal with. I know children and teens who are frightened by their parent's rage when driving, as well as anxious when parents throw things, slam doors, stomp off, don't speak to other family members for days, or call them ugly names in anger. What's a child to do about it?

Your relationship with your child is like an empathic envelope you hold them in, with much of daily life occurring on the edge of the envelope, where children push the limits and we let them out a bit and pull them back in as needed. Losing it and throwing tantrums with your child is like blowing that relational envelope to bits.

Disagreements and differences of opinion are normal and can be expressed in healthy ways. This includes sitting down with the other person, listening actively to the other person, and also expressing your thoughts and feelings. Fighting fairly can actually help you understand each other's needs better, grow your confidence that you can work through differences respectfully together, and bring you closer.

Having a tantrum, including screaming, raging, throwing things and wounding the other person with hurtful and curse words, is incredibly unskilled behavior. Instead, own that you are upset and take 20 minutes to calm yourself down before talking things out calmly. Remember, everybody gets older, but maturity is entirely optional. Developing enough of a governor to recognize that you are upset and losing control of your anger is a basic requirement for being an emotionally mature person. If you want great, healthy and close relationships, you can't afford to tantrum. The cost is way too high.

Saying Goodbye

My family lost our matriarch and most senior member this week, as my grandmother passed just a few weeks short of her 100th birthday. I was glad that she could complete the end of her story, thanks to the wonderful hospice nurses who helped make it possible. She died peacefully in her own little apartment at the senior assisted living home which has been her home for a number of years.

Spending time with my grandmother this last month made me reflect on lessons I  first learned in my late 20s and early 30s, when I was doing hospice social work early in my career. This week's events just made those lessons about losing a loved one much more personal. Here are a few lessons about helping yourself and other loved ones let go and say goodbye when the time comes:

Loss is a part of life. It's a part of the family life cycle.

Exits and entrances into the family and out of the family are pivotal moments for everyone in the family. This includes deaths, but also divorces, births, adoptions, and marriages . They are nodal life events that cause adjustments.

People are generally happier dying at home if at all possible. It's more intimate.

Our sense of hearing becomes more keen in the days before we depart, so even if a family member is unresponsive you can talk to them, reassure them, let them know that its okay to leave this body and make their transition. Some of our family at a geographic distance got to reassure Grandma by phone even when she was in her last several days.

Death can sometimes provide an opportunity to mend fences between family members. Sometimes you've had a conflicted relationship with the dying person and it may be unrealistic to think you are going to resolve all your feelings before they pass. Try to accept it.

Include younger family members in ways that seems appropriate, but not scary. It felt especially meaningful to have my young adult daughters come and say their own goodbyes. In some ways, including younger family members in suitable, age-appropriate ways helps them be a part of what the older family members are dealing with. It's also good loss education for younger family members who will have other losses to cope with and mourn in future years.

Ask questions of the hospice nurses or other medical staff. It helps to know about the dying process and what is happening as change accelerates in the final days and hours. It's calming to be reassured about what's normal.

Palliative care helps keep a patient comfortable and out of pain. Since supportive, hospice care lasts for only a few days, weeks, or months, we are not concerned about addiction in a dying patient. Hospice and end-of life care is all about comfort measures and helping the patient to make a peaceful transition.

People seem to choose their own timing. Try not to feel guilty if you aren't present at the time of the death. Hospice nurses often notice that family can be holding constant bedside vigil for hours, leave for a moment, and the patient will often die as family are not in the room.

Make peace. Say anything you need to say to your family member; don't regret not saying it later.

Our civilization and culture is not as advanced in terms of dealing with death and dying as some others. It's okay to use the words death, die, etc. Some patients will want to talk about it, but aren't sure the family is up for it.

Tears are good, and healing. Real men cry, too, if they feel like it. I respect a man that can cry.

Loss is often experienced based on your degree of attachment to the person you are losing.

Different family members can express their grief differently.

Loving touch can be the right way to connect with a dying loved one.

Each loss is unique. It's not useful to compare them. Losing an elderly grandparent who lived until almost 100 is not all the same loss as losing a child or a person in the prime of their life, or still with small children. All losses do put us in touch with the temporary nature of this life, the power of connection at all stages of life, and the way that families need each other in times of loss. The finality of loss makes me aware to tell the people I love how I feel about them frequently, and not to let my appreciation of other people go unspoken.

Goodbye, Namo. We'll miss you.

Encouraging Your Child the Right Way

Parents often worry about their children's self-esteem, and try to find a balance between being too stingy with praise and overdoing it. As it turns out, we may want to help our children have a realistic view of how they are seen by others. Over-inflating self-esteem, as in “everybody gets a trophy,” may set your youngster up for a crash when they hit a rough patch down the road.

In Sue Shellenberger's recent Work and Family column in the Wall Street Journal (2/27), the journalist gives a practical update on current studies and thinking about the relationship between parental encouragement and developing solid life skills. As it turns out, high self-esteem is more a result of good performance than a cause. Overdoing it on the parental encouragement can make a child feel worse when things don't go well.

Mark Leary is a professor of both psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, who determined from his studies that children as young as 8 years old tend to have their self-esteem level fluctuate based on feedback from their peers about their likability and attractiveness. While children always need to feel loved and valued, Dr. Leary believes it's quite alright for children to feel poorly about themselves for a bit if they are behaving in ways that are mean, selfish, or generally not going to be adaptive in later life. We want to help our children create a positive, but also realistic, view of themselves.

I found it interesting that a study of 313 children, ages 8 to 13, published this February in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that parents can do harm to their children’s self-esteem when pumping them up too much. The children can feel shame later when they experience frustration and defeat.

Research studies show that helping children have a realistic perspective about themselves is helpful. When researchers tried to inflate self-esteem of college students with flattery in a 2007 study published by the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, the college students’ grades worsened. Researchers proposed that the students’ inflated self-esteem may have made their attitudes more cavalier, causing them to study less, and resulting in dropping grades.

Here are some tips for parents about finding the right balance with encouragement:

1.      Focus on the effort the child is putting in, not the grade or result.

2.      Empathize when your child is struggling or having a rough time with something (academics, friends, a sport). You may want to share something age-appropriate that you struggled with, but hung in there and persevered.

3.      Encourage your child to look at how others (his team, etc.) will see his or her behaviors, or other long-term positive outcomes in life, work, and relationships for doing the right thing.

4.      Emphasize character-building choices.

5.      Don't give up or encourage your child to give up. Don't predict future doom, as in “You will never succeed in life if you don't try out for Junior Lifeguards.”

6.      Praise things that are sustainable, like effort on homework, rather than straight A’s.

Parents of children of all ages, go out there and give some encouragement this week. Build that resiliency, notice that effort, shine a light on the improvements, and focus on your child's creating a healthy and realistic view of him or herself. You can do it!

Teach Your Children Well

We need to raise children that are strong, resilient, and have good coping skills—just in case Plan A doesn't work out. For these reasons, I enjoyed Madeline Levine’s new book, Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success, or Why Values and Coping Strategies Matter More Than Grades, Trophies, or Fat Envelopes (Harper Collins, 2012). In this succinct book, Levine digs deeper than the tiger parent vs. overprotective parent debate, and helps us take a long-term perspective on parenting, and what type of adults we are hoping to launch.

Helping our children find authentic success means assisting them in learning to love learning, develop their own strengths and interests, find productive and meaningful work to support themselves, become capable, resourceful, and resilient, create loving relationships with family and friends, and contribute to our world in some way. That’s more valuable than awards, trophies, honor rolls, or admission to a prestigious college.

Levine reminds us that there is more than one definition to building a successful life. Sometimes it takes us way into adulthood to figure that out. This book gives us encouragement to define our own version of success, and parent with that end in mind. I have wanted for my own children to grow into responsible, kind, capable adults who contribute to the world in their own unique way. I wanted them to be able to cope with not only successes, but also with loss, disappointment, waiting, and developing enough inner resources to create a Plan B,C or D as needed.

Levine has some interesting views on how an over-focus on self-esteem in parenting has left some young adults unprepared for the rejection and frustrations of real life. Authentic self-esteem really comes from feeling capable, not from awards, recognition, or compliments (while those are nice to receive). By being too child-centered, we can add to a narcissistic trait that can develop in our children. It's important for our children to know what they think/feel/want is important, but so are those of others. Ultimately, we are reminded that as parents, teaching our children and teens life skills to increase their independence and ability to function in the world, and how to relate compassionately to others, are among the best gifts we can give them.

In Teach Your Children Well, Levine does an excellent job of defining some of the developmental tasks children need our help with in the elementary school years, the middle school years, and the high school years.

Parenting isn't, as Levine writes, one job. It's really more like different jobs at different developmental points, and we need to make intentional shifts as parents in order to help our children and teens move along on their own path to an authentically successful life of their own. We don't want to become so child-centered, overprotective, over-scheduled, or allowing of dependency on us that we fail to help our children prepare to launch. Taking a long-term perspective helps. Our long-term goal in parenting should be to work ourselves out of a job, and launch a well-balanced, strong young adult who can live, love, work, play, and cope well. Teach Your Children Well has some great ideas for the journey.

Hello,Goodbye, and other Connecting Points

Connecting points are rituals of connection with the people you are closest to. They are touch points in your day and your week that make both you and the other person feel valued, important, and special. These actions make you feel like you belong. We need connecting points with all the special people in our lives: our partner, our children, our parents, and dear friends.

Couples need connecting points that include a kiss and a hug when you say goodbye for the day.

When one of you re-enters the home that evening, it is good relationship form to have the returning partner track down the partner at home for a hug and kiss hello. Even if they are cooking dinner, are on their laptop, or with the kids. The message is: everything else can wait for a minute. You are incredibly important to me. I am glad you are home.

Couples also need connection on a physical level on a regular basis, including holding hands and cuddling. Standing appointments with each other for a weekly date night also help re-romanticize the relationship. All week long you can both look forward to it. You wouldn't believe the number of good men I've seen in individual counseling over the years who are sensitive to the fact that their once affectionate partner never reaches out anymore.Be sure to kiss your partner good night, and tell them you love them often. Live without regret!

Rituals of connection are also bonding with your children and as a family. Have dinner around your kitchen or dining room table as often as you can. Share a prayer, and/or the best part of each person's day. Teens may protest, but they actually like it if you are serving food they like. Make Sunday dinner a big deal. I know someone in his 40's who still remembers the warmth of Sunday family dinners at his grandmother's house. Consider a game night, a pizza and a DVD night, or other great ideas the kids may have. Make it fun to be a part of your unique family. Create holiday traditions. Worship together. Read aloud together. I can still remember fondly my Dad reading to my sister and I. Bedtimes and tucking in time are terrific opportunities for end of the day connecting. Tell your children you love them. Hug them liberally and frequently.

Once you're on your own, and as parents age, create rituals of connection with your parents. They will look forward to a standing phone call, lunch, or dinner, and so will you. They won't always be there to enjoy. Get them talking about their life, their childhood, when they met their partner. Sharing happy memories about your aging parents' travel, work, relationships and life is wonderful for both of you. It's your family history, too! Make sure you tell them you love them. Many older seniors who are widowed don't get touched much, so be sure to connect with them with a hug. It might be the only touch they've had for a while, and touch is good for mental wellness.

Being intentional and conscious about staying connected to those you care about most is important. It's also some of the sweetest stuff in life. Make sure you don't miss out! Choose to be connected, rather than disconnected, from those you love. It will make your life much more meaningful.