Help Your Teen Make It a Successful Summer

The weather has been warming up here in Southern California, and spring break is upon us. Soon, the school year will be wrapping up. Now is the time for all good active parents to begin the discussion and joint planning with your teens and college students about what they will do over the coming summer. I am beginning these efforts with my own 17 year old, as well as with each of the teens and college students I counsel here in my office in Newport Beach.

I find teens are happier and feel better about themselves if they do something active or productive with their time over the summer months. By working a part-time job over the summer, your teen or young adult can learn valuable skills, get lessons on the importance of a good attitude and being of service to others while working with the public. One of our teens told me she REALLY understood the value of money after working a few months at a local sandwich shop. There are also lessons available from part-time jobs about taking initiative, teamwork, punctuality, and being pleasant to others despite your own moods.

The job market is competitive for part-time jobs, so now is the time to encourage your teen to get out there early and put their name in or apply. Sometimes, I have the parent assist by driving a younger teen to various job locations near your home, and have the parent wait in the car while they go in and ask about openings. Many teens are shy, or just have never done this before, so they may need you to teach them how to apply, practice interviewing, communicating an enthusiasm for the job, and learning to follow up and be positively persistent with job leads about going back and checking in a few days later, or when the hiring manager is expected in. Remember, they are new at this and may need some skills and encouragement.

When a teen or college student gets and keeps a job, it can boost their self-esteem and confidence. The world of work can be a whole different area of mastery in which they can be successful, develop people skills, and meet friends. Colleges love to see part-time jobs on students’ applications. It shows responsibility, maturity, and the ability to make and keep commitments to others (as opposed to mostly playing World of Warcraft or sleeping all summer). Many teens I see won't think of doing a job search at all, or early enough to really have a good chance of getting one, so parents need to usually be involved and teach these skills.

Internships and volunteer experiences over the summer would also be a valuable use of summer time for college students or teens. In most areas, there is a non-profit agency that coordinates volunteer positions throughout the area, including hospitals, animal shelters, and programs for disadvantaged youth like the Boys and Girls Club, etc. In Orange County, California, where I live and am in private practice, it is called One OC (714-953-5757). You can Google the one in your area. You can also brainstorm with your teen or college student over spring break about what kind of volunteering or internship might interest them, get started together identifying who could use their help this summer, and following up. Have the young person make the calls as well, maybe with you nearby if needed.

If volunteering, part-time work, or an internship won't work, then have your student consider registering for a summer college class at your local community college. Now is the time to scope out what is available, and find out about registration dates. If you wait until school is out, it may be too late to register. Many college students are so busy with their current course load that they really give no thought to summer until the day they drive home after finals. This is why they need you to help them think ahead. Maybe your student can knock out a particularly difficult math class over the summer, and make the next academic year lighter and less overwhelming. Maybe they can graduate a little sooner and take out one less student loan!

Good, involved parents unite! Consider this your friendly public service announcement to strike while the iron is hot. Now is the time to help your teen or college student make at a great summer, build their self-confidence, and take another big stride toward launching into adulthood.

Staying Power: I Won't Give Up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1-4u9W-bns

Recently I heard a beautiful new song by singer/songwriter Jason Mraz called"I Won't Give Up."

It has a very pretty melody, but I especially liked the message of the lyrics. It always amazes me how music can go places and reach us in ways that words alone often can't.

Years ago, when I was working with cancer patients and doing hospice counseling, I had the honor of getting to work with an interdisciplinary team from the hospital that included a very gifted music therapist. She would play favorite songs or hymns for our mutual patients on the oncology floor at the hospital, or on our home visits with patients who were on hospice at the very end of their lives. Incredible things happened. Sometimes a patient who was relatively withdrawn or unresponsive would brighten and remember favorite songs from the past. They might even sing the lyrics from memory. Music can really impact each of us in powerful and healing ways.

At times, music can express emotional states and experiences, and capture them for us. With Mraz's new song, I felt moved by his message. "I Won't Give Up" is a powerful statement of resiliency, faith, and hope. When I am working at counseling couples, I am often struck by how much we need to dig deep and really try to learn and grow in intimate relationships.

It may seem easier to give up when we realize key differences between ourself and the other person, but the easiest choice isn't always our best path for growing into a stronger, more flexible, more loving person. Holding onto the resolve to choose to stay and grow can be a powerful life decision. If we give up easily, we avoid growth. Couples therapist and researcher John Gottman talks about each couple having a few perpetual, unresolvable issues. What matters is learning to dialogue about them with love and respect. Guess what happens if you trade in your partner and get a new one? Answer: You get a whole new set of perpetual,unsolvable issues you will come to identify within a couple of years. Grow now, or grow later. It's your choice.

There are situations where committed relationships should end. If your partner is abusive, refusing to deal with their addictive/chemically dependent behavior, or putting you and your children at risk with their dangerous behavior, you must act. You must give up to protect yourself and any children in such circumstances.

In many committed relationships, however, I encourage couples to dig deep and stay close through challenges. Mraz's song talks of hanging in there even if the"skies are dark." His lyrics also reference understanding differences with your partner, appreciating and accepting them. Mraz notes the value of learning to be flexible, and understanding how being a better, less rigid partner will help you grow personally. I often am struck by how powerful it is to help couples see that there are usually two correct (and different) perspectives on whatever issue they are stuck on. File this under,"Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"

It occurs to me also with our children and teenagers, it is helpful to cultivate this "I Won't Give Up" mindset, even if they are going through a particularly difficult phase where they are acting out, rude, defiant, depressed, angry, etc. Keep on providing the calm, loving presence and set those limits. Get professional help. Find someone who can test and guide them if they are having learning issues. Find a good family therapist to help if the relationship between parent and child is breaking down. Work through it until you get to the other side. You will be glad you did for the rest of your life.

Even in thinking about individuals, this need to never lose hope is relevant. We may go through very difficult or disheartening experiences, but it is important to assess the impact, do extreme self care, and begin again. Some very challenging life experiences teach us, grow us, and tenderize us. I call it the Appreciation School of Life, because when better things happen later in life, you profoundly appreciate it. Don't give up on yourself.

I guess, upon reflection, I like Jason Mraz's new song so much because as a therapist, I feel much of what I spend my life working with people on is really, at the core, about resiliency and hope. Learning to grow from the losses and challenges in life is essential. Holding onto hope for rebuilding or strengthening your relationship, believing in yourself to go on, and not giving up on your children all have something in common. It all takes the ability to hang in there, and being open to learning and growing along the journey of your life. I wouldn't trade this work for any other work I can think of. It feels like a privilege to help people recapture their strength, hope, and ability to do better as they know more. Nice job, Jason.

Helping Your Child Through Your Divorce

People dream about falling in love,getting married,starting a family,and living happily ever after.Nobody dreams about getting divorced,tearing that family apart,and sharing custody of the children you love with an ex you're angry with.I always strongly encourage parents to work it out if you possibly can.The facts are that in the U.S.,half of all marriages do,sadly, end in divorce.

If you do have to go through a divorce,it is incredibly important to pay attention to your child's developmental stage and needs as you transition through the divorce process and beyond.Parents need an adult listener to talk to during this difficult time.Your child needs a good relationship with both you and your ex-spouse.It is easy and tempting for adults in the painful trauma and loss of divorce to reach out to their children for support.Don't do it.The boundaries between adult and children are incredibly important.Long-term it's only doing more damage to your child to try to get them to align with you and support your position against the other parent.

Parents separating and the setting up of two---rather than one--households,can feel like a free fall for children and for teens.It's upsetting to deal with all the change and transition between the households.Try to get the focus back on the children or teens as soon as you can.Reestablishing routines,such as bedtime,storytime,family meals,game night or movie night,homework times and places,worshipping as a single parent family are all helpful.

Minimize distractions.You are more needed than ever by your children in the time period during the separation and divorce,so this is not a good time to date someone new and add an additional change for your child or children.Limit your work hours the best you can when the chidren are with you.

Watch out especially for your oldest child or a child of your own gender,who may want to get close and partner you emotionally.It's not their job! Over time,they will be so grateful if you protect what is remaining of their childhood instead of having them make you feel better.Get professional counseling if you are having trouble doing this.You really do want your child or children to have the very best relationship they can have with both you and their other parent.

Children and teens need to feel reassured that both you and their other parent still love them, and that they didn't cause the problems.Be aware of any leakage of anger and hostility about your former partner.Count on even small children listening to your cell phone calls.I have had children tell me they hate hearing one parent badmouth the other on phone calls to friends.Some children even figure out a parents codeword for the ex-partner.In general,don't blow off steam about the child/children's other parent when they are with you.It takes self-discipline,but you will help get your children through this with less trauma.

Structural family therapists note that the family is destabilized in a divorce,and one or more children will probably want to leave the sibling subset and come join the remaining adult in the home in the executive unit.Don't let this happen,and instead do the personal growth to become a strong and capable single-parent.You will be so glad later that you didn't lean on your child or children.Your goal should be to help the children to continue to grow and develop as normally as possible,despite your divorce.Teens are especially vulnerable when parents divorce,because they are so aware of everything,and they are trying to individuate from the family just as the family they always knew is disolving.

Longitudinal studies of the children of divorce lead by Center for the Family in Transition research psychologist Judith Wallerstein show us that children of divorce have their own grief process,apart from their parents grief.Children of divorce often reeperience their grief at various developmental milestones in their own lives.Children fare better if both parents stay invoved--financially,emotionally,and physically.

It can be helpful for your child or children to speak with a therapist with special expertise in treating children and teens.It is important that the therapist is not aligned with mom or dad,but is a safe place for the young person to sort out their own feelings about the changes in their family,and to help them adjust.

Parents could also use support:parent coaching,a divorce support group,and/or individual counseling.Even a little coaching can make a huge difference in staying on-track with your parenting role and working through your own feelings about the divorce.

Divorce means loss for adults and for children.How things are handled,and using care in maintaining adult/child boundaries will help stop the emotional bleeding,and help everyone move along to have a good life anyway,despite the divorce.