Try to See It My Way: Building Empathy

I can spot couples who are going to make good progress in couples counseling often from the first meeting. They practice, or are willing to learn several very valuable things. Each recognizes that their point of view is not the only one, and they can put themselves in their partner's position and empathize with how they might be feeling. In addition, each partner can apologize, change their behavior and make repairs as they are needed.

In any relationship, one person is not 'right' all the time. (Even you, sorry!)

Both people need to be able to apologize and ask for forgiveness when it is needed. Healing can only occur when those hurts are talked through. I've seen incredible healing happen in my counseling office between partners and family members when this happens in a way that feels genuine and heartfelt.

One-way relationships build resentment, whether between romantic partners, in a friendship, or between an adult child and parent. The healthiest relationships are reciprocal with thoughtfulness, care and loving behaviors. Relationships get out of balance and are draining when one person is always the giver.

There are often two different perspectives on most situations couples and families disagree about. What matters the most to me is finding a mature, calm and respectful way to talk through differences. (No tantrums, bullying, threats, withholding, name-calling, pouting, etc.)

Understanding the other person's perspective takes stopping to listen attentively from the heart. It takes being brave enough not to shut down or get defensive. Active listening helps a great deal, where you put in your own words what you heard the other person say, without editorializing. For example, "When I was late, you felt hurt and disrespected, and next time you'd like me to be on time."

Traveling to other states and countries always reminds me that the little corner of the universe where I live is just that. There are lots of other places, traditions, cultures and lifestyles. In a similar way, the other people we are in close relationships with have their own feelings, perceptions and needs. They have their own temperament and experiences.The less egocentric we can become about being 'right', and understanding that their are several truths in many situations, the healthier our relationships can become. It also helps as feedback so that we can grow emotionally, by understanding how our behavior is perceived by others.

Try to see it my way? Yes, and let's try a bit harder to see it the other person's way as well. Sometimes there are two rights, and understanding and mutual respect is often more important in relationships than winning.

Let's Disconnect: Put Down That iPad and Come to the Dinner Table

Families are struggling as they figure out how to cope with family members isolating and plugging into their technology. We've lost the boundaries where parents could easily protect the childhoods of their children. Partners notice how distracted their partner is. Work emails can bleed into evening and weekend space as it shows up on your iPad or iPhone. Children complain about parents that won't put down their phones; parents complain about teenagers doing the same thing.

There is an unspoken message being delivered anytime we are using technology that the person you are presently with is not the most important. It feels bad to be ignored. We long for breaks from feeling plugged-in and anxious. We need deep connection, but it's getting harder to protect emotional space and time for it. We long for being present with intimate others without distraction and multi-tasking. This generation of young people is known as "always on."

What's a family to do?

Psychologist, Harvard Medical School instructor, and writer Catherine Steiner-Adair has written an excellent new guide called The Big Disconnect (Harper Collins Books, 2013). Her book has lots of valuable reminders, such as:

1. Children and teens can't set reasonable limits. You need to be the parent and set off times.

2. Children and families still need time for independent, creative, self-generated play.

3. Make mealtimes family and connecting time: no technology of any kind. Children and parents need to practice and role model social skills and the art of connecting.

4. Don't miss your baby's, child's, or teen's important developmental moments because you are texting.

5. Help preschoolers learn to identify and manage their emotions, learn to take turns, and be patient.
Screen time can't help teach any of those soft skills. They are developed through 1:1 interaction.

6. Have conversations with your children and grandchildren of all ages, including eye contact. These are valuable zones of interaction. Story time or reading together with young children is better than iPad time.

7. Try not to use technology to get children to be quiet or not need you.

8. Be aware how technology accelerates exposure to gender stereotypes, sexuality, aggression, violence, and "cool to be cruel" comments on blogs and social media. Discuss these issues with your children at different developmental points.

9. Beware putting computers and televisions in your children's rooms too early, such as before 13. You may never see them.

10. Facebook and Instagram can emphasize a culture of obsessing about presentation of one's public self.

11. Text messaging gives an artificial sense of pre-planned wittiness and a false sense of confidence. It doesn't translate to in-person social skills.

12. Be an approachable parent, so that your children know they can talk with you about their concerns, and you won't lecture or overreact. In Dr. Steiner-Adair's research, she has learned that kids and teens won't open up and approach parents who are "scary, crazy, or clueless." Scary parents get judgmental, too intense, and harsh. Don't be reactive or hot-headed, or your children won't open up to you about their challenges. Crazy parents hold grudges, and email teachers and coaches when their child doesn't get what they want. Clueless parents are naïve, ineffective, passive, and act like their child's best friend.

13. The best approach is to become a parent who is informed, calm, approachable, and realistic.

The Big Disconnect is well worth reading. It will help you think through keeping the balance of using technology to your advantage, but not being mindless about letting it take over your family's life and connectedness. Don't sit passively by as your family ties loosen.

Engage your children. Simple contracts that your child or teen understands and signs about the conditions for the privilege of using a cell phone you pay for may be a good idea. Encourage texting only about quick details, not as a way to avoid conversations in person. Get the password for the phone, so that if their safety is in danger you can intercede. No sleeping with your phone. Technology has a bedtime. No phones at meals or family times. Ask your children to help you plan some fun time together that doesn't involve technology.

Close relationships and families require in person connecting, undistracted and completely available. Let's disconnect to really connect.

Home for the Holidays? Take Your Grown-Up Self with You!

It's been said that it takes quite a bit of skill and internal strength to individuate— to be close to others but also hold onto to your uniqueness. Some people are given the emotional freedom in their families growing up to develop their unique self without threatening the family set-point. Other people never got that freedom growing up, and are in a quandary about how to walk this balance in adult relationships. If you didn't get support for developing your unique self growing up, you may feel defensive about protecting yourself and needing to be secretive.

Great intimacy requires separateness. In couples, part of keeping the magic and desire is realizing you never fully know or own the other person. We need to be able to flow between attachment and separateness. Both are essential.
 
In parenting, we aren't really forming the child's self; it's more like we need to watch for who we have been sent and how we can help each child develop their unique strengths and interests. Children come through us, not of us, as philosopher Kahlil Gibran wrote.

Assuming other people want and need exactly what you do is a problem. More evolved people can tolerate spaces in togetherness, and embrace differences, within families, with friends, and in intimate relationships.

How do we differentiate? How can we become more individuated in a healthy way? How can we manage all the togetherness and stress at the holidays and stay connected and grounded?

Say what you want, like, and feel, without apology.

Watch your timing, being aware of when it is better to refrain from speaking.

Drop the defensiveness.

Have boundaries and a bottom line.

Listen to others.

Ask questions, and listen to the responses.

Stop criticizing others.

Give others respect and love.
 
Realize you can say "no."

Keep growing—challenge yourself all to learn new skills, meet new people, and try new things.

Give up judging others or seeking approval from them as much as possible.

Our sense of self is perpetually under construction. We should continue to develop ourselves throughout our lives.
 
Many people feel pretty individuated until the holidays come and they spend time with their extended family. Even Murray Bowen, one of the founders of family therapy, wrote a biographical essay about the challenges for his own sense of self in going home again for the holidays. Bowen, despite coining the term individuation, could feel the pull of his parents and family roles when he went home to visit. Going home made him feel like a child, but not in a good way.
 
As the holiday season is here, and we make plans to spend time with extended family, let's practice these healthy habits of accepting the differences between ourselves and others. You're probably not going to change any of your siblings, parents, or adult children during the holiday visit. Practice acceptance where you can, attach and join in when you are able, and move towards healthy self-care and individuation where and when possible.

It's easy to get overwhelmed with other people's agendas if you are surrounded by family for a big block of time. Take back some control by creating a little time alone to be by yourself. You can go for a walk or to the gym, journal, go outside, or take a drive. A bit of time to do self-care and get grounded may help put both your needs and the family needs in perspective.
 
Here's wishing my readers a happy, healthy holiday season and lots of differentiation of self and growth in the new year.

Hello,Goodbye, and other Connecting Points

Connecting points are rituals of connection with the people you are closest to. They are touch points in your day and your week that make both you and the other person feel valued, important, and special. These actions make you feel like you belong. We need connecting points with all the special people in our lives: our partner, our children, our parents, and dear friends.

Couples need connecting points that include a kiss and a hug when you say goodbye for the day.

When one of you re-enters the home that evening, it is good relationship form to have the returning partner track down the partner at home for a hug and kiss hello. Even if they are cooking dinner, are on their laptop, or with the kids. The message is: everything else can wait for a minute. You are incredibly important to me. I am glad you are home.

Couples also need connection on a physical level on a regular basis, including holding hands and cuddling. Standing appointments with each other for a weekly date night also help re-romanticize the relationship. All week long you can both look forward to it. You wouldn't believe the number of good men I've seen in individual counseling over the years who are sensitive to the fact that their once affectionate partner never reaches out anymore.Be sure to kiss your partner good night, and tell them you love them often. Live without regret!

Rituals of connection are also bonding with your children and as a family. Have dinner around your kitchen or dining room table as often as you can. Share a prayer, and/or the best part of each person's day. Teens may protest, but they actually like it if you are serving food they like. Make Sunday dinner a big deal. I know someone in his 40's who still remembers the warmth of Sunday family dinners at his grandmother's house. Consider a game night, a pizza and a DVD night, or other great ideas the kids may have. Make it fun to be a part of your unique family. Create holiday traditions. Worship together. Read aloud together. I can still remember fondly my Dad reading to my sister and I. Bedtimes and tucking in time are terrific opportunities for end of the day connecting. Tell your children you love them. Hug them liberally and frequently.

Once you're on your own, and as parents age, create rituals of connection with your parents. They will look forward to a standing phone call, lunch, or dinner, and so will you. They won't always be there to enjoy. Get them talking about their life, their childhood, when they met their partner. Sharing happy memories about your aging parents' travel, work, relationships and life is wonderful for both of you. It's your family history, too! Make sure you tell them you love them. Many older seniors who are widowed don't get touched much, so be sure to connect with them with a hug. It might be the only touch they've had for a while, and touch is good for mental wellness.

Being intentional and conscious about staying connected to those you care about most is important. It's also some of the sweetest stuff in life. Make sure you don't miss out! Choose to be connected, rather than disconnected, from those you love. It will make your life much more meaningful.

Something to Look Forward To

Making plans is very important to good mental health. Years ago, my favorite travel agent shared with me her insights about how having a trip planned---even months down the road--- gave people's moods a big boost. I have found it to be true. Anticipation makes the trip or event even better. What do you have planned? A brand new year, 2012, is right around the corner, and it is a blank slate awaiting your creative ideas.

Couples need planned, sacred time to look forward to being together. Research shows that most couples share only a few quality, uninterrupted minutes with each other each day. Having couples rituals you can look forward to, like a weekly date night, and a mid-week lunch or coffee together, gives you connecting points.

Families need plans for the holidays, plans for vacations together, and plans for family fun nights at home or road trips for the day. All of these things are terrific agenda items for a family meeting. Round up the family (dinnertime works well) and ask for everyone's ideas, suggestions, and help. Cooperation works here; get each person's buy-in and assistance in advance.

As an example, with the holidays coming up soon, have a brief family meeting to decide what you want to do. Set a time to decorate together, wrap gifts, invite cooking help, etc. Holidays are much more fun if you don't try to make it happen all by yourself. Consider dispatching your teens to go help grandparents who may need holiday errands or decorating done as well. The gift of time is the best gift of all.

When I am working with people who have survived loss, it is important to me to not only help them move through the grief, but eventually re-invest in planning for the future again. Making plans for fun again means you are going on with your life, despite a loss. It is a choice to enjoy life again.

Check your bucket list. If you have always wanted to go back to grad school, take up the tango, or travel to the Amalfi coast, perhaps this is the time to begin a little research, and activate a plan to make it happen. If you are feeling bored, it's possible you are being boring, and need to break out of a world that's gotten too small. Ruts are optional. Dreaming, and planning the steps to work towards making dreams happen, are some of life's great experiences. After all, living a full and satisfying life includes the joy of making fun plans!

Something To Look Forward To

Making plans that you can look forward to is very important to good mental health. My mom has been a travel consultant for many years, and understands this basic human need far more than most people do. It's always fun to hear her explain the importance of celebrating special occasions with a trip,or setting travel goals or traditions. Having a meaningful and satisfying life takes goals, hard work,and structure, but you can't just work all the time, or life can become a grind.Whether your plans involve friends, family, or an activity by yourself, it can be the focal point that gets you through the mundane things.

What are you looking forward to? If there is nothing fun on the horizon, perhaps this is the week to make some plans that you will be able to anticipate.

For families that I work with that are under stress, change, or coping with loss,sometimes beginning to plan a little day outing, or install a new ritual, like Thai food takeout night, or ice cream sundae night, is a sign to everyone that we can lighten up and play together once again,despite what is happening. Having a relaxing weekend ritual, like a Sunday bike ride with a loved one, or doing a crossword puzzle together, could be a little treat to look forward to, and a great way to connect and play together.

Couples also need things to look forward to so that they can keep the relationship fresh. I always like for couples to have a date night coming up, and a weekend away blocked off(without children).Even if it is a month or two away, it still helps add some positive expectation of each other, and makes you enjoy waiting for it!

We have to be careful raising families, that with all the different activities that pull family members different directions, that we have some fun things that connect us on school breaks and weekends. Two of our children are graduating this June;one from high school and one from college. We are planning a family trip this summer that everyone gets to give ideas and input about, and I am sure the months of anticipation are just as exciting and bonding as the trip will be.

Dust off your own bucket list, and make some plans a few months ahead. You will be happier and healthier for doing so. Time is moving swiftly. Now is a good time to make sure you are getting the most out of the time you have.You deserve a little something fun on the horizon.

Mealtime is Connecting Time

We are all incredibly busy. That is why family dinners, at least a few times a week, are very important to keep families connected. When did you last eat dinner with those you love? When I am assessing a family, I always want to know when and if they eat together, as well as whether they worship together, or do other fun activities as a family on a frequent basis.

I'm not picky about how gourmet you get. It's okay with me if make something simple, or bring dinner in. As a structural family therapist, I am interested in a candle being lit, and each family member sharing about their day. It can be fun to ask each person the best and worst thing about their day. Even the Obamas reportedly share "the rose and the thorn"of their day with their family.

Keeping the mood light and positive at family meals. It is great to get as many family members involved as possible with ideas for meals, preparing the meal, and cleaning up the kitchen together. We don't want the children to dread dinner because Mom and Dad are nagging, lecturing or complaining about things the whole time.

In a world of fragmentation and technology, family mealtimes are a needed break. Be sure to role model turning off the television, all cell phones,and put away the laptop. The message is: for these 20 minutes, we turn off the outside world, and our family is the most important thing. We all hunger for punctuation marks that bring us sanctuary and respite. It brings us to the present moment with those we love and focuses us on intentional connecting.

I am realistic. You may not be able to do family dinner every night. We can't in my family, either. Do it as often as you can. Even 3 or 4 times a week will make a difference in how connected your family feels. Every adult needs to help get things going. In contrast to what you might expect, teens most often tell me they like dinner with the family. Several local gift shops in Orange County sell sets of question cards called 'Table Topics' that give you lots of other question ideas.

Plan a family dinner this week. It's not just filling your family's stomachs, its about creating closeness and connection in a world of forces pulling you towards disconnection. You can make the difference in your family. Family meals can be a hassle, or a gift. The choice, as always, is yours and mine.

Respect: Key Ingredient for Great Relationships

One of my missions in my counseling practice is to guide people to create relationships that include mutual respect. Couples that practice respect for the differences between them, rather than trying to criticize each other, are so much happier. Parents who treat their children and teens with respect find it much easier to require it back from them. Learning self-respect and how to teach other people how you wish to be treated is an important part of maturing. Treating strangers with respect and kindness makes you a class act.

You can feel when you are being treated with respect. It feels wonderful. The person makes eye contact with you. They ask your opinion. You don't get interrupted. You can relax and be yourself, because you aren't teased, belittled, or the object of sarcasm. You feel just as important as the other person.

I have seen family relationships transform when parents stop lecturing and ask teens for their help or their ideas. Family meetings are more fun at every age and stage when you let the children give input, on everything from how to save more money, to planning family activities, or dividing up chores.

We are not all equals in the family, as the parents are the executives. Families work much better as democracies, where everyone gets their say, even if they don't get their way. Parents sometimes need to make the final decision, but the family is a great place to practice the respectful exchange of ideas. I am often amazed at how much more fun family life is when we get everybody interacting respectfully and identifying solutions and new possibilties.

Couples can be closer and enjoy each other more when they celebrate the unique perspective, experiences, and thoughts that each partner brings. Using a respectful tone and appreciating your partners' thoughts and feelings draws them closer to you. They feel they can relax and be at ease. I want couples to feel they can talk about anything---money, work, interests, family, sexuality, politics, faith, hopes, and dreams. You can only open up at this intimate level if your partner provides you with the comfort of respect.

When you respect someone, there are rules for how you interact with them. You watch your tone. You don't yell or name call. You apologize if you catch yourself being disrepectful. You aren't too proud to ask for forgiveness when you have hurt the other person. You allow the other person to have their own opinion. You avoid criticism and sarcasm. You don't use the words 'always' or 'never', which box your partner in. You appreciate their differences, and understand that there is often more than one way to do things.

It all has to start with self-respect, and knowing that each of us deserves, as our birthright, to be treated in this loving way. You have to exercise your own self-worth and require respectful treatment in your most important relationships. As you practice repecting yourself and others, it will become your natural order and you will witness magic in your relationships.