How to Tell Your Kids You're Getting a Divorce

Children need to know what is happening in their family: here's how to have that difficult conversation you don't want to have. Read a recent Orange County Register article on telling your children about divorce here.

Please Settle Things Down: What Your Children Want You to Know About Divorce

Did you catch this short, heartfelt video this past week of this sweet little girl, sitting on the stairs at her house explaining to her mom how she wants her divorcing parents to behave? Several friends who are also therapists brought it to my attention, and I think it's well worth watching. It comes straight from her heart.

This little girl also causes me to reflect on the many children and teens I have seen the last 25 years as a family therapist who shared many of these same feelings with me. If we listened to children's feelings, here are a few points to keep in mind as you make this transition:

1. Your child or children didn't make this decision. You and/or your partner did. You might be happier, but you have to respect your children's own grief process. It's a huge loss for them of their intact family. Their grief process can take a very long time, and get reawakened as they pass significant life events and you are not together as a family. This would include their graduations, life passages like dances and learning to drive,holidays, weddings.

2.Be nice. Be respectful to the other parent, no matter what your feelings are for them. You do this as a gift to your children. Remember, you selected that other person to have a family with. Your children probably still strongly need and value that other parent you are no longer interested in or are dividing assets with. Your child will thank you down the road for being kind.

3. Keep the children out of the middle as much as you possibly can.  

4. Find an adult listener who is not your child. You have your own feelings---anger, fear, sadness and more but it's dreadful for your child to hear it.

5. Hold on to the adult/child boundaries. In separation and divorce, children can be scared and teens can test the limits to see if you're still parenting. Maintain bedtimes, homework time, mealtimes. Make it a point to still play with and enjoy time with each child and together as a household. Keep taking an interest in their lives. Divorcing parents can get so overwhelmed with their own feelings. Also, please keep everyone sleeping in their own bed.

6. Listen, deeply from your heart. Ask your children how they are doing. Find out if they want or need more support, like individual or family counseling or a divorce group for kids to get help adjusting. Remind them that anything they are feeling is okay. Be fully present when you are with your children, not being distracted by your phone.

7. Avoid badmouthing the other parent. Watch angry texting and emails as well because they create a tense environment between households that will impact the children. Try to avoid drama, like calling the police, unless it is a true emergency. It's traumatic for the children to watch that happen.

8. Wait to date. I've worked with teens whose parents are just barely separated and mom or dad are sharing their dating experiences on Tinder which is scary for them. Your children need to be your focus for quite a while. Usually, children want to be center stage and have parents be stable, supportive and available to help, not crazy in love.

9.Don't unload your stresses on the kids. Manage your stress with exercise, support from friends and family, a good therapist who can help you process your grief and understand your part. Don't worry the kids with your worries. Keep alcohol use to a minimum. Make a stress management plan for your own self-care.

10. Let the kids know things on a need to know basis, and as it is developmentally appropriate. It doesn't help kids to know the other parent cheated on you. On the other hand, if the other parent gets incarcerated don't tell the kids something vague like they are away or working out of town. Children need to feel like they know the key aspects of what's happening in their own families. If in doubt, call a family therapist or your pediatrician for advice.

11. Provide reassurance. Let the children know they didn't cause the divorce, and that you did love the other parent when you met. Let them know that you are still their parents and are still going to work together as a team on their behalf. Make custody change days as smooth as possible, or have custody changes occur from school pick up to avoid scenes.

12. Realize you aren't really getting rid of the person you are divorcing. When you have children, you are connected through those children, and if you are so lucky, by grandchildren later as well. Act accordingly.

13. Limit the changes as much as you possibly can. If you can keep the children's schools the same, do it. It would be great if you could stay in the same residence, and the other parent move nearby. If you can't, stay as close to the children's friends, school and grandparents as you can.

Divorce is hard for children. You have it in your power to minimize the pain for your children. You'll be so happy you chose a  mutually respectful and child-centered way to navigate this family transition.

Why Sooner Is Better For Couples Counseling

Men can be reluctant to come in for counseling. Often it's their partner who talks them into coming. Men can be depressed and not want to talk about it. Sometimes women start the conversation about getting couples counseling, and men can drag their feet until the marriage is at a breaking point.

It makes me sad as a couples therapist to see people delay and let a relationship deteriorate without getting professional help. Divorce is expensive and emotionally difficult for both adults and the children involved. Why ignore the signs of relationship tension, your distress or your partners? What if you wait too long and it's too late to save things?

What if we shifted the paradigm to working on couples or individual concerns when they are still small? I think we could prevent a host of relationship cancers developing. Even a tune-up, a couple of sessions with a couples therapist can help you get things back on track, more connected and communicating better. Sooner is better!

What are signs a couple should get some counseling, because there are couples issues developing?

1. One or both partners feel unappreciated.

2. Physical affection is tapering off or stopped. You don't hug, kiss, hold hands or have physical intimacy. You can't talk about your physical needs and preferences with your partner comfortably.

3. You are completely consumed by your children's needs and there is no energy or time left for you as a couple.

4. You can't recall your last date night with each other.

5. You are sleeping in separate bedrooms, or different places in the house.

6. You feel misunderstood on a frequent basis.

7. Your partner won't listen.

8. You can't solve problems together.

9. You're not having any fun together.

10. You don't feel respected by your partner and/or you don't respect them.

11. You or your partner are not emotionally available for any reason: working too many hours, alcoholism, substance abuse.

12. Your parenting styles conflict. One of you always has to be the bad cop.

13. One or both of you shut down, pout, threaten divorce, swear, rage, scream or otherwise make communication impossible. You can't fight fairly.

14. One of you doesn't set appropriate boundaries with others: your family or friends of the opposite sex.

15. There are difficult conversations you need to have with your partner, but you don't feel safe to have them.

Any of these relationship issues is so much easier and quicker to fix sooner rather than later. While counseling is a cost, you must consider what your happiness is worth. If your relationship isn't satisfying, not much else in life is enjoyable. When it comes to solving couples, family or individual counseling issues, recognize the value and intelligence of a tune-up rather than waiting for the point of no return. Why suffer with a mediocre relationship, when you can co-create something much better with some coaching and effort? Life's too short not to go for the marriage you really want. It makes me so happy to be a part of making that happen for couples.

Boyhood

Childhood is made up of little moments that get all strung together, like Christmas lights. The new (2014) film Boyhood by director Richard Linklater will make you reflect on your own childhood, and your own journey as a parent. The film is unusual in that it has the same cast, but was filmed over 12 years. We get an intimate view of Mason (Ellar Coltrane) growing up from age 5 to age 18. This film is not to be missed as it brings all of it to you from the child's view.

The story includes many ordinary days, as Mason deals with his parent's divorce, bullies at school, moving and leaving friends, a bad haircut, horrible stepparents, first love, heartbreak, a sometimes difficult sister, camping with Dad, Mom dating, first days at new schools, and a first job. You get to witness Mason growing up, with all the physical and emotional changes he goes through in those 12 years of childhood. Mason is beautifully played by Coltrane. The director's daughter, Lorelei Linklater, is wonderful and very natural as his sometimes annoying sister.

The film is touching. It reminded me of how vulnerable children are to whatever other stressors and challenges are going on in their parents' lives. Children are trying to grow up amidst the drama, changes and challenges. It reminds us as parents to keep our children's childhood as stable as we possibly can, and to be as present as we can no matter what unexpected things come up.

In Mason's case, his mom (Patricia Arquette) is a struggling single parent, trying to finish her education and provide some stability for her two children. The results are often chaotic, as she completes her education but her poor relationship choices impact both her and the children. The family moves multiple times, and the film captures the loss and longing the children feel as they watch the old home disappear from the car windows as they drive away, leaving behind friends each time.

Arquette is superb as Mason's mother. She loves the children, but is busily multi-tasking her education, financial struggle and problematic love life the whole time the children are growing up. She always thought she had more time, but suddenly Mason is heading off to college. She wonders aloud about what's left for her with the children gone. How can childhood be over so soon?

Ethan Hawke does a wonderful job portraying Mason's sometimes immature but loving father. Early in the film, Hawke is irresponsible and often missing. Later he visits the children more frequently, and tries to condense his fathering life lessons into his every other weekend with his son and daughter. The film captures some authentic moments where he tries to get the kids to share more and open up, talks with them about sexual responsibility, discusses breakups and love relationships, and teaches them (while bowling) that in life there are no bumpers.

There are some bittersweet moments that feel honest as dad thanks mom at Mason's graduation party for doing a great job raising him mostly on her own. Dad seems to evolve over the twelve years we follow him, and it seems sad that the timing was off and that he didn't evolve earlier so that they could have raised the children together. Just like in real life, it's a lot about timing sometimes. It also reminds us that while parents can divorce, parenting continues and it's better for the children if you can accept whatever positive contributions the other parent can make.

The unique way in which this film is made and edited over such a long span of time allows us to remember these years,too. We see Mason attend a Harry Potter book release signing all dressed up and excited to get his book. We see him go with his sister to plant yard signs for Obama/Biden and help steal a McCain sign at Dad's direction. The film is edited and mixed with songs from these same years, from Coldplay to Arcade Fire. It will make you remember these years, too.

Boyhood is a must see film, which will remind you of how swiftly both childhood and parenting passes, and to make the most of all the little, ordinary days with our children. As difficult and overwhelming as parenting can be, you will miss this chapter when it is gone. It's beautiful the way this film artfully captures the internal emotional experiences of childhood. It's a rare opportunity to watch a skilled ensemble of actors age gradually and be invited into their maturing. It made me reflect on my own childhood memory fragments, and made me wistful about how swiftly my girls grew up into the adult women I love.

Taking the Risk of Opening Up

It's always a big risk emotionally to open up to someone else: to be real and vulnerable. Opening up means chancing rejection and hurt. It's also the only way to know and be known, and develop authentic and close relationships. Taking healthy risks is sometimes good for us.

Over the years, I've counseled lots of young adults, men and women, who have survived their parents' divorce. They witnessed the pain, betrayal, hurt, loss, and if they were fortunate enough to see it, perhaps they saw their parents accept the loss with grace and move along towards a future. Judith Wallerstein's research on children of divorce, in her ground-breaking study at the Center for Family in Transition, showed us that children of divorce are more scared about risking, opening up, and potentially being hurt than their peers.

Whether you've experienced your own losses and disappointments, or watched it happen to those close to you, building a protective barrier around your heart is not a good strategy. In order to avoid being vulnerable, sometimes people resort to sarcasm, numbing themselves with alcohol or substances, acting "chill" like nothing matters, or shutting down all possibilities for closeness.

In relationships, we have to take calculated risks to succeed. You have to try, even if you're afraid. You have to ask for the things you want and need emotionally. If you don't open up and invest and open up to close, intimate relationships, you don't get them. In relationships, it's no deposit, no return.

Risking enough to selectively open up to others is an essential part of the human journey. It means you can share your hopes and fears, your struggles and your triumphs. Vulnerability and openness is reciprocal as well, and a relationship is deepened as each person reveals more of him or herself over time.

We can take healthy risks with opening up in parenting by putting down the parenting role from time to time to share appropriately a bit of ourselves beyond the parent. It could comfort your child to know about a time when you messed up or learned from a mistake. Sharing beyond the mask of parent could make you more real.

In friendship, taking a risk to invite someone closer to you, to get to know you, or to take the time to really get to know them could be an important road in. Many adults are more afraid to open up and reach out to make new friends than children are. I think it's ideal when a person is open enough to be able to add friends throughout their life cycle, not just in youth.

Risking openness and being vulnerable gives our relationships the opportunity to go deeper and grow more meaningful. Healthy risks push us to grow and be known. Why would you settle for anything less?

Enough Said

A new movie is being released this week called "Enough Said," starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus and James Gandolfini, the actor from The Sopranos who passed away earlier this year. It's a film that explores dating and re-partnering in mid-life, and how complicated it can be.

When they meet, both Dreyfus (Eva) and Gandolfini (Albert) are about to have their only daughters leave for college. They are both single following their divorces. Their first date is a very humorous experience, as is the scene where Eva first meets Albert's daughter.

Their new relationship is tested by Eva's friendship with Albert's ex-wife, played by Catherine Keener, who is extremely expressive about all her pet peeves about him. Ultimately, the film makes us consider how rare love is, how we need to set boundaries to protect and honor it, and about the value of truly accepting some of your partner's imperfections, just as they accept yours. Loving someone isn't as much about finding the perfect person to love as it is being the most loving partner you can be.

There is also an interesting theme about adolescent daughters and their mothers, and the process of learning to separate, letting them individuate and letting go some. There are several mother-daughter pairs in the movie, all resolving that conflict differently. The daughters are also trying to figure out the right way to navigate through the changes that need to occur in the mother-daughter relationship as they prepare for launching.

There are several bittersweet elements in the movie, such as when Eva and her daughter's father, long divorced, say goodbye to their daughter, Ellen, as she leaves for her flight to start school at Sarah Lawrence. As Eva is tearful and visibly upset, her daughter's father shares the tender moment and tells her, "We made a good person." Long after the divorce, there are often moments that are bittersweet in this way for divorced parents as their children go through developmental milestones (often, not always).

Director Nicole Holofcener did a good job of directing, injecting some humor and some really reflective, deeper themes about love and relationships. Sadly, this was one of Gandolfini's best projects as he went against character and beautifully underplays his part so that it feels effortless and natural. Good relationships are rare and deserve protecting.

What Maisie Knew

What does a child go through when their parents break up? What Maisie Knew is a newly released independent film directed by Scott McGehee and David Siegel that captures the child's eye view perfectly. The film shows us poignantly that good parents put themselves second, and their child or children first, and what happens when parents aren't capable of doing so.

The film is a retelling of the 1897 Henry James novel. It tells the story from the point of view of 7 year old Maisie. Her parents love her, but are almost completely self-absorbed with their work, and their bitter break-up and legal fight for custody. Maisie's mother, Susana, is a aging rock singer,  who is mostly unlikable and broken. She is played by Julianne Moore. Maisie's father is Beale, an aging art dealer who is having trouble getting work. He is played by Steve Coogan.

Many of the shots in the film artfully show things from Maisie's eye level. Just like childhood, Maisie's life is shown in brief fragments: playing with turtles in Central Park in New York where she lives, participating in class with her classmates, waiting for a parent who doesn't show up for drop off or pick up, playing with a toy, hearing her parents berate each other. Onita Aprile is the very special young actress who plays Maisie, simply and without sentimentality. Her big, beautiful brown eyes say it all. No dialogue is needed at times as you can see Maisie trying to make sense of what is happening.

One of the standout scenes involves Maisie hearing a florist delivery person bring flowers for her, and finding that her dad put them in the kitchen trash without telling her they ever arrived. Later she tiptoes into the kitchen, and finds the bouquet and card from her mom. She hides the flowers in her closet. When the nanny finds them there, Maisie explains that her dad must have been allergic to them. She's caught in the pull of loyalty to each of her parents, and they so clearly hate each other. It makes your heart break.

Both of Maisie's parents remarry. Alexander Skarsgard gives a remarkable performance as Lincoln, the young bartender who marries her mother. Lincoln is present and gives his whole attention to Maisie in the time he spends with her that is deeply moving and instructive. Lincoln reminds us how much children need play, and how joining with them in their world to draw, notice turtles, or play Monopoly helps children to cope and heal.

Maisie's dad marries her young Scottish nanny, Margo, played well by Joanna Vanderham. Margo is tender, kind, and reliably present. Both of the stepparents are, ironically, more reliable, caring, and emotionally supportive of Maisie than either of her natural parents, who are caught up with their own careers and their hatred of each other.

What Maisie Knew is a touching film that reminds us that childhood is fleeting, children need our protection, attention, and stability no matter what is happening in our lives. Loving a child is not enough. We must care, ultimately, more about what happens to the children than we do about expressing our anger or sadness over our own adult relationship failure. Transcending self is probably one of the most important aspects of being a good enough parent, no matter what circumstances you find yourself in.

As it turns out, Maisie knew way too much. I hope this film will inspire and educate other parents about not losing the focus in any divorce, which should be getting the children safely through it with protecting as much of their childhood as can possibly be done.

Children of Divorce

Children whose parents divorced are affected by that loss, and for a longer time than people often think. This was among the findings of a pioneer research psychologist, Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D., who passed away in June 2012 after making significant contributions to the research of mental health concerns for families and children after divorce.

Wallerstein wrote 60-70 journal articles and 5 popular books on the topic of helping families and children after divorce, several with her co-author Susan Blakelee, including The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (2000), What About The Kids? (2003), and Second Chances:  Men, Women, and Children a Decade after Divorce (1989).

Wallerstein was the lead researcher on a 25-year longitudinal study on the impact of divorce on children. She followed 131 children from 60 families in Marin County, California beginning in 1971. She met and assessed the children again every 5 years for 25 years. Wallerstein has been criticized for not having a control group of children whose parents didn't divorce, as well as for not having a larger sample size.

Despite these critiques, she really did contribute to the knowledge base of mental health professionals and influenced changes in family law and custody in order to try to better meet the needs of children. She taught for over 30 years at UC Berkeley in the Social Welfare program. She lost her own father at age 8 from his early death, perhaps stirring her interest in the profound impact of parent-child bonds and attachment.

Wallerstein was a pioneer in the early 1970s, as the divorce rate in the US was climbing, to begin to shift the focus to how this change was impacting the children involved, and what parents can do to minimize that impact, rather than increase the damage. Here are some important points from her life's work that Wallerstein leaves as a legacy:

1.      Parents divorcing is a significant and generally long-lasting loss for children.

2.      Grief impacts children differently, depending on their age and emotional maturity at the time of the divorce. The loss issues experienced by children can reappear at later watershed points in a child's development, triggering more feelings long after the divorce.

3.      One of the great risks to children is the alienation or abandonment by the father, emotionally, time-wise, or financially becoming disengaged.

4.      Both parents need to work through their own issues of loss, anger, resentment, etc. about the break-up of the marriage to avoid poisoning the children with the adults' feelings. I always recommend that divorcing parents work out their own feelings in personal therapy, or a divorce recovery program for this reason. Your children, no matter what age they are, cannot be your listeners to bad stuff about their other parent. It's not fair to put them in that position.

5.      Parents dating again, remarrying, and blending together families is challenging, and needs to be handled with a great deal of sensitivity and thought. Step-parents shouldn't be asked to replace parents where the parents both exist, they are simply another adult who should love the child, and leave the discipline to the biological parents. It takes a really mature grown-up person to love someone else's child. (Screen carefully!)

6.      Children of divorce can be vulnerable to depression or worry. They can feel especially concerned that they not experience a divorce in their own life as an adult. Parents should be watchful and get professional counseling support for the child if it is needed, to work through the child's grief.

7.      Each child has their own grief process about their parents’ divorce, independent from what the other children are feeling.

8.      The transitions back and forth between the parents' households often stir up feelings for children and teens. Many teens resent the impact on their own life with packing up and changing houses.

9.      Custody arrangements need to be revisited from time to time to make sure they are still working for the child or children involved.

10.  Children often later resent a parent who ruined their relationship with the other parent. While a child may initially join with a parent by fusing with what the parent is feeling about their former partner, this usually backfires down the road.

I had the pleasure of hearing Wallerstein present her findings at a conference for mental health professionals 20 years ago at UCLA. She was bright, caring, and deeply devoted to helping families through the divorce process and on to healing.

Judith Wallerstein was an important pioneer researcher about the impact of divorce on children and families, and got mental health professionals and parents thinking about the longer-term picture. While Wallerstein sometimes got criticized for her research methods or for her comments about questioning the necessity for the increasing divorce rate, ultimately she had the best interest of children at heart. Children are often the most impacted in a divorcing family, and their developmental and emotional needs should be at the center of every decision that is made. After all, the divorce wasn't their choice.

Keeping the Happy in your Holidays

Remember when you were a child and the holidays were pretty magical? It might have been your favorite part of the year, other than your birthday.

Too often, adults dread the turn of the calendar to November, with the extra workload of the holidays: cooking, shopping, meal planning, wrapping gifts, more demands on your time, extra expenses, decorating, cleaning, entertaining, thinking of brilliant gift ideas. It's enough to make one want to schedule a long nap to rest up!

It's time to take back your holidays. This article is geared to help you stage your own holiday makeover so that you can put the joy and meaning back into the season, and not go passively into all the regular routines without some careful checking in with yourself and the people who matter most to you.

It can be helpful to make a list of the holiday tasks you normally do, and consider what brings you the most joy. If you live alone, you can do this by yourself. If you live with family, you can have a meeting with the family to find out what means most to each person. What is each person's favorite part of each holiday? What can you cut out because the effort isn't worth it?

Try to delegate and find out who can do what task to help bring the holidays together. Could meals be made into shared events where each person contributes a dish? Could your son, daughter, grandson or granddaughter home from college help you with decorating and un-decorating? Could you bring food in? Could you make things more casual? Ask for help! Some of the joy is in putting the holiday together, not just showing up for it. Don't hog all the tasks for yourself, or you are likely to resent it (and your resentment will leak out).

Could you schedule some self-care into your holiday season? Perhaps you could schedule some breaks for you to exercise, get a massage, watch a favorite holiday movie, or do something else that restores you. If you have been losing weight and taking care of yourself, maybe you want to reconstruct your holiday menus to not create backward motion on your health goals. You can also increase non-food related holiday activities, like seeing a play or a concert together. Those peanut butter balls are not going to be easy to burn off after the holidays. If we get a little creative, spending time together doing active things can be a refreshing change from one holiday meal after another.

Think creatively about doing things in a new way that would fit your life now. This would be a good time to suggest drawing names for gifts in your family, rather than trying to find and fund gifts for every single person. It's not worth stressing yourself out, or incurring debt that could depress you in January when you get the bills. Perhaps you can make this a cash-only holiday season, and avoid charging on credit cards.

You might have to update your holiday plans given the changes that have occurred in the past year. I am working with people in counseling that have moved into a smaller home space this year, and have had to rethink having all the adult kids stay over. Maybe the adult kids can stay in a nearby hotel, and meet up for some part of each day with you if you are hosting.

If you have divorced, been through a break-up or death this year in your life, it's definitely time to revisit your take on the holidays. Give yourself the permission and authority to rewrite the regular traditions, or keep them the same depending on what feels most comforting to you.

Seek peace and acceptance with your family during the holiday season. Don't expect miracles. Try to lower your sensitivities to slights, be generous with your forgiveness, and realize it's not your job to judge other family members. Choose to wage tolerance and extend yourself if you can.

Cut where you like, but don't cut out the meaningful things. If faith is important to you, or volunteering in some way during the holidays to get some perspective, then schedule that in first. It could be that you want to extend your holiday season and make plans to see close friends before or after, rather than getting too stressed and tired.

Keeping your own energy level up is important. Try to get your rest, exercise, and not get overwhelmed. Try to set boundaries with negative, toxic, demanding, and unreasonable people. Pay special attention to pacing yourself. Take breaks from entertaining and hosting.

Take control, and make this your new, updated, and improved holiday season. You just might have a lot more fun, and bring back some of the magic. Lighten up, and go for the joy!

What is a Good-Enough Parent?

Psychologist, writer, and researcher Bruno Bettelheim coined the term "good enough" parent. It's a useful one.

It reminds parents they don't have to be perfect to do a really good job at parenting. It gives parents hope, because most insightful, conscientious parents are able to reflect on their own shortcomings as a parent. Sometimes it isn't until we become parents ourselves that we develop more compassion for our own parents, ourselves, and parents everywhere who not only are raising children, but also trying to support the financial needs of the family, balance work and family, meet multiple children's needs, and  stay happily partnered. Parenting is a big job if it's done well.

Sometimes part way into living out the dream of having a family, loss occurs. There may be a death or a divorce which creates even more challenges: moving, financial stress, single parenting, more isolation, and even less support. The parenting needs to continue, and sometimes there is hardly time for a parent who is going through loss or crisis to catch their breath. Conversely, having children to rally and refocus for after a huge loss can be helpful and grounding. I am often supporting people in just this situation in my counseling practice, and try to help the person see their role in helping their children through a family crisis as a good choice for their attention, as opposed to dating again right away, or something else.

As a family therapist who has worked with children, teens, and families for more than 20 years, here are some of the traits I think good-enough parents need:

1.      The ability to apologize when you blew it, overreacted, etc. –sincerely, and from the heart.

2.      Being present, as much as you can and still support the family. Being present also means that you are available emotionally, not focused on an addiction or your own compulsions.

3.      Listen more than you talk. Most parents lecture far too much, especially with teens. If you listen more, you'll be amazed at how your child or teen may open up more.

4.      Follow through. Do what you say you are going to do. Be count-on-able. My own children are in college and have launched into adult life, and I still feel that being a parent of your word is critical to your credibility with your child.

5.      Have traditions and rituals for connecting with your children and family. Think mealtimes, family activities you do together, worshipping together, one-on one dates with your child/children, homework help.

6.      Be your authentic self. A parent with good self-esteem, a sense of purpose, and a sense of humor all make you more real to your children. Express yourself with your own little twists that are uniquely you. I personally love serving breakfast waffles for dinner sometimes to mix it up, and love playing the board game Apples to Apples with the whole family. Hmmm, that gives me some excellent ideas for when my girls are home Thanksgiving weekend from college!

7.      Be consistent. Try your best to have regular meals, bedtimes, and homework times. Try to set and enforce clear family rules fairly and calmly. Speak softly and carry logical consequences.

8.      Encourage your child. My theory is that each child is different (have you ever noticed your differences from your sibling, if you have one?) Our job is to figure out who we've been sent, and how to help them develop their natural strengths and interests.

9.      Do not compare. Don't compare your child to their siblings, to you at their age, or to their friends. All of those comparisons create distance between you and your child, tension between siblings, and are not useful. Communicate to your children that they each have a special and unique place in your family and your heart.

10.  Don't give up. Some stages are magical in the parenting journey. Others are heart-breaking and upsetting. You are the parent, and good-enough parents go the distance.

11.  Be warm. Express your love for your child. Point out their strengths. It is in childhood that we learn to attach successfully with others, because we first learned how to securely attach to mom and/or dad.

12.  Play together. Can you remember when your parents played with you, or taught you to do something they enjoyed? Those positive experiences put something into your account with a child, so that when you have to discipline, there is something on account from which to withdraw.

So the good news for parents is: you don't have to be perfect. You can be good-enough, and that's just fine. As Bettelheim wrote, "not only is our love for our children sometimes twinged with annoyance, discouragement, and disappointment, the same is also true for the love our children feel for us." For everything to work, we don't have to be perfect as parents, and our children don't have to be perfect for us to love them either.