The Hand-Written Note

In this modern age of email communication, text messaging and voicemails, the simple thoughtfulness of a hand-written note stands out from the noise and the crowd. What a wonderful tool for building personal relationships. Don't you love to find a hand-written note in your mailbox, on your desk, or on your pillow? Even the imperfect handwriting of the person who wrote it makes the note more interesting and less mundane.

There is something so personal about taking the time to write in your own handwriting, to say thank you or encourage someone. It means you took the time to think of the other person, and they almost feel that they are speaking with you as they hold your note in their hands. We each get so many emails every week that saying anything personal can easily get lost with the others we sift through.

No matter how expressive you are with creating text messages, like all CAPS and emoticons, it's just not like a note that's been penned just to you that you can save with your treasures.

I like to see people build stronger relationships, both at home and at work. Taking the time to handwrite a quick note of praise, encouragement, or thanks will bring you closer to the other person you reach out to.

At home, I like parents to write notes of encouragement to their children. The focus could be letting them know that you see how hard they are working at a school subject, or their efforts at a sport, or an instrument, or how they are showing maturity, responsibility , or kindness within the family. It's fun to tuck a note like that into their lunch as a surprise or on their desk or pillow. Sometimes parents get so focused on correcting misbehaviors that we underutilize our power to point out what's right with our children and teens.

Teach your children to write personal, brief thank you notes and send them promptly from the time they are little. It's classy, and it teaches manners and relationship building. Have them send thank you notes even if they don't love the gift. It's a great lesson in being gracious. It's good to let them know that the giver put time, effort, and money into the gift, and that they will want to know that your child received it. It's disheartening and disappointing to send a gift and never hear back. A hand-written note is so much better than a text or email. When children are little, you can help them get the cards in the mail before they play with the gifts. You're teaching.

In your love relationship, apply the surprise handwritten note here as well. It feels wonderful to be thought of, appreciated, and cherished. Don't assume your partner knows what you find wonderful about them. Express it in writing! No one likes being taken for granted. Expression helps us avoid depression.

At work, relationships and manners matter here, too. In the April 6 issue of the New York Times, writer Guy Trebay emphasizes that in work settings, showing that you are civilized and took the time to send a note makes you stand out in a good way. It shows you really do care, as opposed to emailing in a rote way. Some people don't understand the necessity of good manners and thankfulness until they get out of college and have a first job. The fashion industry is one mentioned in his article that really cares about details and kindnesses.

Get a box of cards, some forever stamps, a pen, and go at it. Expressing your appreciation, encouragement, and feelings with a hand-written note is sure to help you build happier and more successful relationships, at work and at home. I promise, and you can get that in writing.

How Marriage Is Changing

In today's New York Times, Northwestern University professor of psychology and management Eli Finkel wrote a very interesting article about how marriage is changing. I get to see how  marriages and our expectations for them are changing up close every week in my counseling office in Newport Beach.

After doing a year-long survey of the scholarly literature on marriage, including psychological research and commentary from sociologists, economists and historians, Finkel thinks that the average marriage is weaker, but that the best marriages now are better than ever. This means that for one group of married couples, satisfaction is lower and the divorce rate is higher. For the other group of marriages, they are stronger and provide more satisfaction and personal well-being to both partners than in past generations. Apparently, with marriage, it's all or nothing.

Finkel reviews the literature about the American view of marriage, which has evolved over time. Cherlin and Cootnz chronicled the era of "institutional marriage" from our country's founding to about 1850. Marriage was about survival: producing food, creating shelter and safety. These basics were the foundation of marriage at that time. If you had an emotional connection with your partner, that was lucky. Emotional connection was NOT the central purpose of the union.

Next up, from 1850 to 1965, marriages hit the era of "companionate marriage." This time frame mirrors the shift in American society from rural to urban life. Families became more prosperous, and men's and women's roles became more distinct and gender specific. As families grew more wealthy, they could afford the luxury of looking at marriage differently, having more to do with love and companionship, and less about survival.

The third shift began around 1965 to the present, with the era of "self-expressive marriage." American societal changes in the 1960s and the personal growth movement helped shift expectations of marriage less as a necessary institution, and more as a way to develop, fuel self-discovery, self-esteem and personal growth.

These different expectations of marriage parallel the hierarchy of needs designed by psychologist Abraham Maslow in the 1940s. There are five levels in Maslow's hierarchy, and if a lower level, such as food and shelter, is not met, then a couple can't get past that basic need to focus on happiness and self-actualization. In recent years, our expectations for marriage have soared. It requires more time and energy invested into a marriage to meet those higher level needs for connection, depth, and mutual growth.

Sociologists Jeffrey Dew and W. Bradford Wilcox have found in their research that couples who spend time alone with each other, either talking or sharing an activity at least once a week are 3.5 times as likely to be very happy in their marriages than those who do not. Having shared mutual friends also seems to help couples. This can be especially hard on couples with different work hours, juggling multiple jobs, or lack of support with their children, so that time alone together is a scarce resource. It creates more challenges for couples who are raising a family at a distance from extended family support.

For creating enduring marriages, the research is helpful. Don't just focus on the children or work. To the extent that you can, couples need to try to increase the amount of time spent together, whether in conversation or in shared activities. Happier couples also try to encourage each other's growth and development. Taking each other for granted is old school in marriage. Most partners are unlikely to lower their expectations of their marriage, so the importance of investing time and energy in making your relationship a priority is more important now than ever. More people now are expecting better, not worse. 

Why Hooking Up Is Messed Up

In July, The New York Times ran a follow-up article to its earlier one about the death of courtship, explaining how dating practices have changed in the college-age/young adult demographic. This article focused on young women in their 20s, and how they can be so focused on their academic career, internships, volunteer work, etc. that they don't have time for a relationship and may prefer just to "hook up" or randomly have meaningless, brief sexual encounters with men they care nothing about. The New York Times interviewed successful female students at the University of Pennsylvania who make hooking up a part of their social life.

While there are young adults that make this their ritual, many teens and twenty-somethings are smart enough to know that hooking up is a really messed up thing to do that can cause long-term harm. In addition to the physical health risks of pregnancy and STDs, there are emotional consequences to becoming physically intimate with someone who is a stranger and with whom you have no relationship. It trivializes being physically close to someone else, as if it is a sport. It is not.

Many of these hook ups occur after one or both people are drinking heavily, and are not thinking clearly. All the more reason to limit or not drink alcohol. (During college it's termed partying, while after college we call it alcoholism).

I do a great deal of counseling with teens and young adults. I find that while courtship has changed some for their age group from how it was for their parents and grandparents, at the core most people need to be encouraged to stay focused on what they REALLY want, and not succumb to the pressure to handle relationships the way other people do. Separating physical intimacy from emotional intimacy in a committed relationship is a recipe for a great deal of potential hurt and damage to your developing self.

Parents of pre-teens, teens, and college-age students should be aware of this hooking up activity, and involve your son or daughter in some discussion about it. Ask them what they think. Share your concerns. Keep in mind that your son or daughter needs to feel safe talking with you, so a tone of curiosity about their opinion as a younger person, and of mutual respect will help. Chances are, even if your son or daughter isn't a part of this "hook up culture," they probably have friends who are participating in it.

Hooking up? It's a really messed up idea that puts younger people at risk, both physically and emotionally. Some cultural and societal changes advance and improve us. Hooking up isn't any kind of improvement over traditional courtship, waiting until you have time to date, and creating meaningful relationships. Everybody deserves better, including relationships that honor your highest self.