What Do Our Children Want Us to Know? (15 Tips)

Over the years, as I meet for counseling with children and teens, I often wish parents could listen in and be moved by their children's reflections about what they really need and want. It isn't stuff. If we can think about the great honor it is to become a parent, it puts our hearts in the right place. Instead of mold children into shapes, I like to think of parents being curious about who we've been sent, and doing your best to help them develop their skills, abilities and unique interests.

So, what do children want from parents?

1. Not to be compared to others: siblings, classmates, or you at their age. Don't play favorites.

2. Listen, really listen from the heart.

3. Put down our phones and tablets and be present.

4.  Give our attention. Our children and teens want it, and if they can't get it in a positive attention, they will often try for negative attention.

5.  Offer constancy and predictability. Children like the structure of family dinners, activities, movie nights, and bedtimes. Teens need all these things, too, even though they give pushback. (It's their job to push away from us.)

6. Give encouragement. Notice their strengths. Comment on hard work, effort and improvement.

7.  Provide acceptance. Our children need us to accept their innate temperament, their body type, their interests. If your child is an introvert, don't try to 'remake' them into an extrovert.

8.Don't lecture. It makes your kids tune out.

9. Don't embarrass them. If you have to discipline, do it in private. Watch pictures you post about them on social media, that they don't embarrass.

10. Be a good role model. Work on yourself. They learn more from what you do than what you say. By being kind, treating other people well, picking up after yourself, working hard, etc. you teach these things best.

11. Remember it's not YOUR childhood, and they're not YOU. Don't try to get them to ice skate, play lacrosse, be on debate team, major in accounting or become a doctor because you did or you wish you did. We call that projection, and it's not fair.

12. Have some fun together. All of life shouldn't be a drag. Kids often tell me they wish they could engage and play more with parents. Think board games, outings, hiking, biking, baking, crafting, art, and more.

13. Teach them skills. Self-esteem comes from feeling capable. Have them tell you things they want to learn. Keep teaching independent living skills all the way along, as it's age appropriate. Even four year-olds can set the table, and enjoy helping.

14. Help them understand their emotions. Don't tell them not to feel what they are feeling.  Let them know that all feelings are okay, it's your internal experience and it's understanding it that's key. Help them to sort out what they are feeling, and how to express it to others.

15. Don't yell.  It makes you scary. It doesn't motivate your children to do better. Speak calmly and carry reasonable consequences you can follow through with.


Think of your child as you would a beautiful sunset at the beach, or a rose that's opening. You wouldn't critique them as not quite the right color. You wouldn't judge them as not as good as others,  not smart enough or pretty enough. You accept them for the unique gifts they bring to life. We need to value each child or teen for their uniqueness, what they bring to teach us and give to the planet.

The Hand-Written Note

In this modern age of email communication, text messaging and voicemails, the simple thoughtfulness of a hand-written note stands out from the noise and the crowd. What a wonderful tool for building personal relationships. Don't you love to find a hand-written note in your mailbox, on your desk, or on your pillow? Even the imperfect handwriting of the person who wrote it makes the note more interesting and less mundane.

There is something so personal about taking the time to write in your own handwriting, to say thank you or encourage someone. It means you took the time to think of the other person, and they almost feel that they are speaking with you as they hold your note in their hands. We each get so many emails every week that saying anything personal can easily get lost with the others we sift through.

No matter how expressive you are with creating text messages, like all CAPS and emoticons, it's just not like a note that's been penned just to you that you can save with your treasures.

I like to see people build stronger relationships, both at home and at work. Taking the time to handwrite a quick note of praise, encouragement, or thanks will bring you closer to the other person you reach out to.

At home, I like parents to write notes of encouragement to their children. The focus could be letting them know that you see how hard they are working at a school subject, or their efforts at a sport, or an instrument, or how they are showing maturity, responsibility , or kindness within the family. It's fun to tuck a note like that into their lunch as a surprise or on their desk or pillow. Sometimes parents get so focused on correcting misbehaviors that we underutilize our power to point out what's right with our children and teens.

Teach your children to write personal, brief thank you notes and send them promptly from the time they are little. It's classy, and it teaches manners and relationship building. Have them send thank you notes even if they don't love the gift. It's a great lesson in being gracious. It's good to let them know that the giver put time, effort, and money into the gift, and that they will want to know that your child received it. It's disheartening and disappointing to send a gift and never hear back. A hand-written note is so much better than a text or email. When children are little, you can help them get the cards in the mail before they play with the gifts. You're teaching.

In your love relationship, apply the surprise handwritten note here as well. It feels wonderful to be thought of, appreciated, and cherished. Don't assume your partner knows what you find wonderful about them. Express it in writing! No one likes being taken for granted. Expression helps us avoid depression.

At work, relationships and manners matter here, too. In the April 6 issue of the New York Times, writer Guy Trebay emphasizes that in work settings, showing that you are civilized and took the time to send a note makes you stand out in a good way. It shows you really do care, as opposed to emailing in a rote way. Some people don't understand the necessity of good manners and thankfulness until they get out of college and have a first job. The fashion industry is one mentioned in his article that really cares about details and kindnesses.

Get a box of cards, some forever stamps, a pen, and go at it. Expressing your appreciation, encouragement, and feelings with a hand-written note is sure to help you build happier and more successful relationships, at work and at home. I promise, and you can get that in writing.

Encouraging Your Child the Right Way

Parents often worry about their children's self-esteem, and try to find a balance between being too stingy with praise and overdoing it. As it turns out, we may want to help our children have a realistic view of how they are seen by others. Over-inflating self-esteem, as in “everybody gets a trophy,” may set your youngster up for a crash when they hit a rough patch down the road.

In Sue Shellenberger's recent Work and Family column in the Wall Street Journal (2/27), the journalist gives a practical update on current studies and thinking about the relationship between parental encouragement and developing solid life skills. As it turns out, high self-esteem is more a result of good performance than a cause. Overdoing it on the parental encouragement can make a child feel worse when things don't go well.

Mark Leary is a professor of both psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, who determined from his studies that children as young as 8 years old tend to have their self-esteem level fluctuate based on feedback from their peers about their likability and attractiveness. While children always need to feel loved and valued, Dr. Leary believes it's quite alright for children to feel poorly about themselves for a bit if they are behaving in ways that are mean, selfish, or generally not going to be adaptive in later life. We want to help our children create a positive, but also realistic, view of themselves.

I found it interesting that a study of 313 children, ages 8 to 13, published this February in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that parents can do harm to their children’s self-esteem when pumping them up too much. The children can feel shame later when they experience frustration and defeat.

Research studies show that helping children have a realistic perspective about themselves is helpful. When researchers tried to inflate self-esteem of college students with flattery in a 2007 study published by the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, the college students’ grades worsened. Researchers proposed that the students’ inflated self-esteem may have made their attitudes more cavalier, causing them to study less, and resulting in dropping grades.

Here are some tips for parents about finding the right balance with encouragement:

1.      Focus on the effort the child is putting in, not the grade or result.

2.      Empathize when your child is struggling or having a rough time with something (academics, friends, a sport). You may want to share something age-appropriate that you struggled with, but hung in there and persevered.

3.      Encourage your child to look at how others (his team, etc.) will see his or her behaviors, or other long-term positive outcomes in life, work, and relationships for doing the right thing.

4.      Emphasize character-building choices.

5.      Don't give up or encourage your child to give up. Don't predict future doom, as in “You will never succeed in life if you don't try out for Junior Lifeguards.”

6.      Praise things that are sustainable, like effort on homework, rather than straight A’s.

Parents of children of all ages, go out there and give some encouragement this week. Build that resiliency, notice that effort, shine a light on the improvements, and focus on your child's creating a healthy and realistic view of him or herself. You can do it!

What is a Good-Enough Parent?

Psychologist, writer, and researcher Bruno Bettelheim coined the term "good enough" parent. It's a useful one.

It reminds parents they don't have to be perfect to do a really good job at parenting. It gives parents hope, because most insightful, conscientious parents are able to reflect on their own shortcomings as a parent. Sometimes it isn't until we become parents ourselves that we develop more compassion for our own parents, ourselves, and parents everywhere who not only are raising children, but also trying to support the financial needs of the family, balance work and family, meet multiple children's needs, and  stay happily partnered. Parenting is a big job if it's done well.

Sometimes part way into living out the dream of having a family, loss occurs. There may be a death or a divorce which creates even more challenges: moving, financial stress, single parenting, more isolation, and even less support. The parenting needs to continue, and sometimes there is hardly time for a parent who is going through loss or crisis to catch their breath. Conversely, having children to rally and refocus for after a huge loss can be helpful and grounding. I am often supporting people in just this situation in my counseling practice, and try to help the person see their role in helping their children through a family crisis as a good choice for their attention, as opposed to dating again right away, or something else.

As a family therapist who has worked with children, teens, and families for more than 20 years, here are some of the traits I think good-enough parents need:

1.      The ability to apologize when you blew it, overreacted, etc. –sincerely, and from the heart.

2.      Being present, as much as you can and still support the family. Being present also means that you are available emotionally, not focused on an addiction or your own compulsions.

3.      Listen more than you talk. Most parents lecture far too much, especially with teens. If you listen more, you'll be amazed at how your child or teen may open up more.

4.      Follow through. Do what you say you are going to do. Be count-on-able. My own children are in college and have launched into adult life, and I still feel that being a parent of your word is critical to your credibility with your child.

5.      Have traditions and rituals for connecting with your children and family. Think mealtimes, family activities you do together, worshipping together, one-on one dates with your child/children, homework help.

6.      Be your authentic self. A parent with good self-esteem, a sense of purpose, and a sense of humor all make you more real to your children. Express yourself with your own little twists that are uniquely you. I personally love serving breakfast waffles for dinner sometimes to mix it up, and love playing the board game Apples to Apples with the whole family. Hmmm, that gives me some excellent ideas for when my girls are home Thanksgiving weekend from college!

7.      Be consistent. Try your best to have regular meals, bedtimes, and homework times. Try to set and enforce clear family rules fairly and calmly. Speak softly and carry logical consequences.

8.      Encourage your child. My theory is that each child is different (have you ever noticed your differences from your sibling, if you have one?) Our job is to figure out who we've been sent, and how to help them develop their natural strengths and interests.

9.      Do not compare. Don't compare your child to their siblings, to you at their age, or to their friends. All of those comparisons create distance between you and your child, tension between siblings, and are not useful. Communicate to your children that they each have a special and unique place in your family and your heart.

10.  Don't give up. Some stages are magical in the parenting journey. Others are heart-breaking and upsetting. You are the parent, and good-enough parents go the distance.

11.  Be warm. Express your love for your child. Point out their strengths. It is in childhood that we learn to attach successfully with others, because we first learned how to securely attach to mom and/or dad.

12.  Play together. Can you remember when your parents played with you, or taught you to do something they enjoyed? Those positive experiences put something into your account with a child, so that when you have to discipline, there is something on account from which to withdraw.

So the good news for parents is: you don't have to be perfect. You can be good-enough, and that's just fine. As Bettelheim wrote, "not only is our love for our children sometimes twinged with annoyance, discouragement, and disappointment, the same is also true for the love our children feel for us." For everything to work, we don't have to be perfect as parents, and our children don't have to be perfect for us to love them either.

The Fun Factor

One of my favorite of Dr. Phil's lines is, "how much fun are you to live with?" It is useful from time to time to stop and reflect on how we are coming across to those whose lives touch ours. Are you an encourager to others, or a discourager? Do you grump around the house or the office, or does your presence brighten other people's day?

One researcher studied human perception, and designed 4 window panes of perception. There are the things you know about yourself that noone else knows, the things that are tranparent about you that others can also tell(like your eye color),the things that are unknown about you both to yourself and others, and finally, the things others know about you that you are not aware of. It is that last quadrant, of how others perceive you, that can be an instructive area for reflection.

Each person in a family is responsible for helping set the tone in the family. Families are complicated energy systems, and each person doing their part to make daily life, family meals ,events, chores, and routines peaceful and fun makes the family a better place to be. Family meetings at home, or family therapy with a skilled counselor, can make a huge difference in getting everyone to recognize the powerful impact of their tone, actions, and words on the rest of the family.

There is no place for sarcasm, insults, sullenness ,and refusing to talk to others, in a great marriage or family. Some people learned these passive-aggressive behaviors in their family of origin, but it doesn't mean they should be continued. I work with people in counseling to examine the communication styles and patterns in their families growing up, keep the good and get rid of the rest. Taking ownership of how you come across to those you love most, and live with daily, is empowering. If you can be open and non-defensive, you can learn much from asking those you live with about how you are doing in relating to them.

Taking responsibility for managing our own moods is key. Bring home your best self every day. Stop and set your intention to smile and greet family members,hug and kiss more often, and express your love and appreciation for them. Little surprises are nice, too. Often those closest to us can feel taken for granted, so take action in small ways to show you do care. If you are anxious, down, or angry,take positive personal action to move through those emotions rather than dragging them home to your family.

We need things to look forward to in marriages and families,too, so that the stress of routine tasks doesn't grind you down. This is why weekly date nights need to be sacred time for couples, and why family fun nights where you play together are so vital. You've got to love someone who you can giggle with over laser tag, or another silly game. Having a trip planned, as a couple, or as a family also helps to build positive anticipation. Even if it is months away, it helps boost the fun factor to have plans!

Make your home a no whining zone. This goes for adults, as well as children and teens. The family gets beaten down emotionally with the weight of constant complaining and negativity. Use the power of the family to have each family member deal with negative emotion more effectively--through counseling, action, exercise,etc., rather than torturing other family members to marinate in the negativity and toxicity of repeated whining.

Just think about the possibilities when you, your partner, and the whole household are all taking care to be fun, bring home your best selves, and work together to make your family a wonderful place to be. Now THIS could be fun.

Have You Had Your Encouragement Today?

Most children, teens, and adults that I know could use some encouragement. Somehow, as life gets busy, we can forget to tell the important people we care most about what we like about them. This post is an encouragement to begin noticing and acknowledging---in spoken and written words---the best that you see in your loved ones.

Encouragement comes from the french root "coeur", meaning heart. So when we encourage others, we give them heart, making them fortified for the challenges they may face that day. Life has all these automatic systems for discouraging us. We may try for a goal and fail at school or at work. We assume risks in trying to make friends or build a love relationship. Everyday that we get out there in the world affords the possibility of rejection or disappointment. We each need a key person in our inner circle who points out what we are doing that is working, and reflects our strengths back to us.

One researcher found a ratio of 10 negative comments that children get from parents and teachers daily compared to each positive comment. It is understandable why this happens. In a busy classroom or hectic family life, it is the things that annoy us that pop up first. Parents may notice a grade that has dropped, a backpack left out to trip over, or whining. Catching a child being responsible, helpful to others, or showing strong effort are all welcome, positive messages that your child longs to hear. It is also a wonderful tool to help encourage more of that positive behavior, by the spotlight given by adult attention for it. Most parents underestimate and underutilize the influence they have by going for the positive whenever possible. Can't you still remember the times a parent or a teacher recognized and acknowledged your contributions?

When you encourage, it works best to be specific about the action or behavior you noticed and what impact it had on you. For example, thanking a teenaged daughter for taking the initiative to unload the dishwasher without being asked, or commenting when an older child helps a younger one with a homework problem and remains patient. Letting a child or teen know the specifics is much more meaningful than a vague or general compliment (i.e. "you're a great kid"). Noone ever has the same potential to encourage as parents do, and it has touched me over my years talking with people in counseling about how much children long to have their parents' acknowledgement as being worthwhile, valuable, and wanted.

For over ten years I taught Active Parenting classes, and one of my favorite homework activities in the class was having each parent go home that week and write a letter of encouragement to each of their chidren and leave it on the child's pillow. The feedback the following week was always so special in class. Several children saved their notes on their bulletin boards for a long time afterwards. I remember one big, burly dad who teared up when he reported that his son didn't recall ever being told or written " I love you" from him before, and it meant so much.

Don't forget to encourage your partner, either. One book I read earlier thas year about couples and personality style differences gave a cute example. A husband, married many years, told his underencouraged wife, " I told you I loved you thirty years ago, if anything changes, I'll let you know". Adults can feel wildly underencouraged, too. Be a positive reflecting mirror for your partners' strengths. Research on happy couples shows that they often see the positive in each other and comment on it. These couples often encourage their partners' strengths and bring out their best self. Happy couples more often give their partner the benefit of the doubt and see their parners' goodness rather than focus on imperfections.

Encouraging those who work for or with you matters ,too. Studies show many employees care as much about being valued as they do being paid.

Children can be taught that everyone in the family needs encouragement, and they can participate, too. Parents can use feedback from their children on what they are doing that is valued or helpful.

Go forward and encourage a couple of people you care about today!