Middle School Years Hardest for Moms

The middle school years from grades 6 through 8 are a time of big transition for families as children become teens, deal with the hormonal changes of puberty, and move from an often supportive elementary school setting to the world of middle school where parents aren't as involved at school. A 2016 study of 2,200 mostly well-educated mothers found that mothers of middle school students also struggle. Mothers report more distress and less well-being when their children hit grades 6 to 8. Mothers of infants and grown children are happiest, according to the study, lead by Suniya Luthar, a psychology professor and researcher at Arizona State University at Tempe.

Researchers expected to find that mothers of infants are similarly stressed as the levels experienced by mothers of middle-schoolers, but they are not. The University of Arizona's research team believes this might be because infants are exhausting, but are also intensely rewarding to hold and cuddle. Middle-schoolers are usually not as rewarding or cuddly. Their developmental task is beginning to make them seek individuation from parents and push parents away.

Other factors probably also impact parents' levels of satisfaction. Many parents know their children's friends, classmates and a community of other parents and teachers. When the middle school transition begins, students often interact at school with minimal parent involvement, and moms may feel more disconnected as students share less about their world, their school experiences and their friends. A number of the middle school students I see in counseling long for the independence of being dropped off to see a movie or spend time with friends without a parent accompanying them. Parents can suffer a big fall from grace, as the big need that our children had for us in younger years begins to change.

Parents' confidence in their abilities to discipline, influence and communicate with their child all decline in the middle school years. It's important not to buy in to stereotypes about teens which lump them all together as negative. Friendships with other parents of middle school age children and parenting classes can really help mitigate the sense of distress and isolation, as well as normalize the developmental parenting shifts that are happening.

Parents of middle school students need to get support from each other as less emotional rewards come in from their children. It's also important to shift and continue to connect with children, but in different ways. For example, providing space for your teen or preteen to have friends over at your home and provide snacks but remain on the periphery. Continue to reach out to connect with middle- schoolers at dinnertime and in the car, and having them teach you some things when you can.

It's been said that preteens and teens are building a house of self, and that they need to be able to set some boundaries and separation from us in order to feel they are opening and closing the doors in their house.They let us in close at times and close us out at others. It's our job as parents to be there, be loving and interested and not too needy. Keep that in mind when your sweet child asks you to drop them off down the block from their middle school or high school so no one sees you. It's a bittersweet passage that is necessary so they can begin preparing to separate from us and begin those first steps towards becoming their own person.

Please Settle Things Down: What Your Children Want You to Know About Divorce

Did you catch this short, heartfelt video this past week of this sweet little girl, sitting on the stairs at her house explaining to her mom how she wants her divorcing parents to behave? Several friends who are also therapists brought it to my attention, and I think it's well worth watching. It comes straight from her heart.

This little girl also causes me to reflect on the many children and teens I have seen the last 25 years as a family therapist who shared many of these same feelings with me. If we listened to children's feelings, here are a few points to keep in mind as you make this transition:

1. Your child or children didn't make this decision. You and/or your partner did. You might be happier, but you have to respect your children's own grief process. It's a huge loss for them of their intact family. Their grief process can take a very long time, and get reawakened as they pass significant life events and you are not together as a family. This would include their graduations, life passages like dances and learning to drive,holidays, weddings.

2.Be nice. Be respectful to the other parent, no matter what your feelings are for them. You do this as a gift to your children. Remember, you selected that other person to have a family with. Your children probably still strongly need and value that other parent you are no longer interested in or are dividing assets with. Your child will thank you down the road for being kind.

3. Keep the children out of the middle as much as you possibly can.  

4. Find an adult listener who is not your child. You have your own feelings---anger, fear, sadness and more but it's dreadful for your child to hear it.

5. Hold on to the adult/child boundaries. In separation and divorce, children can be scared and teens can test the limits to see if you're still parenting. Maintain bedtimes, homework time, mealtimes. Make it a point to still play with and enjoy time with each child and together as a household. Keep taking an interest in their lives. Divorcing parents can get so overwhelmed with their own feelings. Also, please keep everyone sleeping in their own bed.

6. Listen, deeply from your heart. Ask your children how they are doing. Find out if they want or need more support, like individual or family counseling or a divorce group for kids to get help adjusting. Remind them that anything they are feeling is okay. Be fully present when you are with your children, not being distracted by your phone.

7. Avoid badmouthing the other parent. Watch angry texting and emails as well because they create a tense environment between households that will impact the children. Try to avoid drama, like calling the police, unless it is a true emergency. It's traumatic for the children to watch that happen.

8. Wait to date. I've worked with teens whose parents are just barely separated and mom or dad are sharing their dating experiences on Tinder which is scary for them. Your children need to be your focus for quite a while. Usually, children want to be center stage and have parents be stable, supportive and available to help, not crazy in love.

9.Don't unload your stresses on the kids. Manage your stress with exercise, support from friends and family, a good therapist who can help you process your grief and understand your part. Don't worry the kids with your worries. Keep alcohol use to a minimum. Make a stress management plan for your own self-care.

10. Let the kids know things on a need to know basis, and as it is developmentally appropriate. It doesn't help kids to know the other parent cheated on you. On the other hand, if the other parent gets incarcerated don't tell the kids something vague like they are away or working out of town. Children need to feel like they know the key aspects of what's happening in their own families. If in doubt, call a family therapist or your pediatrician for advice.

11. Provide reassurance. Let the children know they didn't cause the divorce, and that you did love the other parent when you met. Let them know that you are still their parents and are still going to work together as a team on their behalf. Make custody change days as smooth as possible, or have custody changes occur from school pick up to avoid scenes.

12. Realize you aren't really getting rid of the person you are divorcing. When you have children, you are connected through those children, and if you are so lucky, by grandchildren later as well. Act accordingly.

13. Limit the changes as much as you possibly can. If you can keep the children's schools the same, do it. It would be great if you could stay in the same residence, and the other parent move nearby. If you can't, stay as close to the children's friends, school and grandparents as you can.

Divorce is hard for children. You have it in your power to minimize the pain for your children. You'll be so happy you chose a  mutually respectful and child-centered way to navigate this family transition.

Necessary Losses: Getting Good at Getting Through Grief

Necessary losses are a part of our lives. Loss softens us, and causes us to reexamine our lives. Many changes come with the loss of someone you loved. It can take many months, or longer to adjust to life without that beloved person. One has to recreate your sense of self.

There is no one correct way to grieve. Recently, I've had patients reflect that in a grief group at a local hospital they were told to sit in a chair and do an hour of grieving each day, but that's not what I would generally recommend. I have found that grief is as individual as your thumb print or a snowflake. Many people report that grief comes in waves of 20-30 minutes, and can be triggered by many different things. You need to grieve your way, and have support for doing so.

Many feelings are normal as we grieve: sadness, anger, fear, relief, abandonment, shock, confusion, and emptiness.

What factors impact grief?

• Your relationship with the person you lost

• The suddenness or the expected nature of the loss

• Your temperament

• Your coping skills

• Your support system

• Your faith

• Your loss history and having resolved past grief

The more deeply you were attached to the individual, the greater the loss. When I am working with someone who has lost a baby or a child, that is a huge life-changing kind of loss. A couple can be married for 50 plus years, and depending on the quality of the relationship it could be a much more or less difficult transition. Losing your last or only parent can propel you into being the oldest generation in your family. The end of a friendship or the loss of a cherished pet can be very painful, and unearth other feelings of unresolved loss from earlier in your life. Loss is cumulative.

Grieving is hard work. It can make you feel physically and emotionally drained. When you are grieving, it's important to do extreme self-care and nourish yourself as much as you can. There are tasks of mourning to be done, including feeling the pain of the loss and adapting to your life without that person in it to call or spend time with.

Each individual has a loss history. I usually try to take information about previous loss in the first few sessions in counseling individuals. Your history of loss includes all the moves, break-ups, family divorces, job loss, loss of friends as well as loss by death that you have experienced in your lifetime. Looking at how you have coped with past losses and what was helpful can be a good place to start approaching the current loss you may be experiencing.

What helps people who are grieving?

• Support from friends and family

• Rest

• Eating healthfully

• Getting back into life as you can

• A place or person where you can process your grief

• A growth-oriented mindset

Loss is a part of our lives and while very painful, also allows us to grow and to reflect on our own lives and mortality. Getting good at letting yourself fully grieve allows you to go forward being more open, more loving and with a deeper sense of reverence for the delicate nature of our time here. Understanding how your own loss history informs your life can help you become more fully human and more empathic to others.

When Someone You Love has Chronic Mental Illness

What if you have an adult son, daughter, parent or sibling who has serious mental illness? How can you help? How can you get them help? What is your role? How do you deal with your own feelings of loss, sadness, anger, frustration, worry or helplessness? How do you set some limits?

You may notice self-destructive behaviors, racing thoughts, delusions, hallucinations, or other breaks with reality. You might be aware of rapidly cycling moods in your loved one, or angry rants.

If your relative is under 18 years old, parents can intervene, and get a psychological evaluation. Your family member may be helped by medication and counseling. Parents have the legal right to seek mental health assessment for a minor child.

After age 18, the situation becomes much more difficult. The individual themselves has to be willing to get treatment unless they meet the specific criteria for involuntary hospitalization, which are: danger to self, danger to others or gravely disabled.

As a family member, it is essential that you get informed about mental health/chronic mental illness and get support for yourself. One of the best ways to do both is to contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness at www.nami.org  In many areas of the United States there is a local chapter of NAMI which offers information, support groups, lectures and more. In Orange County, California where I have my counseling practice, the local chapter can be reached at www.namioc.org/
Getting to know other families who are also dealing with a family member with severe mental illness, like schizophrenia, personality disorders and untreated bipolar disorder can be incredibly helpful.

Another valuable resource is your local Mental Health Association, which can help you identify local resources for a family member you are concerned about. In Orange County, our local chapter can be contacted at www.mhaoc.org/  If you live elsewhere in the US, contact the Mental Health America national office at mentalhealthamerica.net and they will put you in touch with your local MHA office.

If your family member has a personality disorder, be aware that many people who have this diagnosis do not see themselves as having a problem and will probably blame others and be reluctant to get help. There are different types of personality disorders, including narcissistic, borderline, paranoid, schizoid, schizotypal, antisocial, histrionic, avoidant, dependent, and obsessive-compulsive. All personality disorders are an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that varies far from what we normally expect. Most are difficult to treat, especially if the individual does not acknowledge their situation.

Family members need support in learning the best ways to help the mentally ill member, as well as how to set reasonable boundaries and limits for your own self-protection. For example, if you have an adult son or daughter who refuses to get help, but does not meet the strict criteria for involuntary hospitalization, you will need to sort through what your role will be. Perhaps you can see them and be emotionally supportive, but set limits that you will not accept physical, emotional or verbal abuse. It might be that you can help the grandchildren. You might be willing to help with the cost of some treatment, depending on your circumstances. You might be able to see them in limited amounts and provide emotional support, but not have them live with you.

A family therapist can help you learn not be codependent, and sort out how you can help and how you can  take care of yourself as well. Many people with chronic mental illness won't consistently take their prescribed medication or participate in talk therapy. As a family member who cares you won't be able to fix everything for another adult. Figuring out what you can do to help, and what is beyond your limits is key.

You Were Always Mom's Favorite: Sisters

Writer and  Georgetown University Linguistics professor Deborah Tannen wrote a terrific book about the complex relationships between sisters, called You Were Always Mom's Favorite that might really help you understand the relationship better if you have a sister, are a sister, or have daughters of your own (Ballantine Books, 2010). Sisters have a life-long conversation that can reveal much about each of them.

As it turns out, girls often define themselves by the differences between themselves and their sister or sisters. There is often a lifelong tug of war between competition and closeness. Sisters compete for parents' time, attention, and financial support. Each sister tries to carve out her own identity within the family. If an older sister is seen by the family as the "smart" one, a younger sister might seek to differentiate herself by assuming a different identity.

Birth order plays a role in the relationship between sisters. Tannen found this even between twin sisters, where there is still a focus on who arrived on the scene first. Older sisters may be called on to help with the care, supervision, homework and responsibility for a younger sister by parents, and later be resented by a younger sister for treating them as a parent treats a child. Younger sisters may be babied and protected. Adult sisters sometimes have trouble renegotiating childhood roles. For example, ideally it would be best for an older sister to build a mutually respectful relationship, and not try to know more or be the boss all their lives.

As Tannen and her researchers studied conversations between sisters, they found  something she labeled "sister speak" where sisters can develop their own unique conversational flow and share the telling of stories. Because sisters usually share a common history, they can have conversational shorthand that they understand but others might not completely get.

Alignment in the family is important. If one sister is seen as "closer" to mom or dad, it can cause other sisters to feel left out.  As  a structural family therapist, I often want parents to be more aware of having as many good kids as they have children, and not joining in an alliance with one child, or playing favorites.

As adults, resentments can be exacerbated by one sister living closer to aging parents and assuming a larger or solo role in managing parents' increasing needs. Some adult sisters opt out and leave caring for aging parents, by default, to another sister. Some mothers add to sister conflict by over-praising one sister or her children.

Your sister might  represent the path you did not take in life. Acceptance, tolerance, and mutual respect can help soothe differences. So can lowering your expectations about your sister, and adding in other close female friends.

Sisters can be such different things to different women. It's wonderful when they are close emotionally, caring, supportive, and interested. Many women feel the loss of what they would have longed for if their sister is competitive, cold, disinterested or antagonistic. I have found women who feel sadness that their sister order got messed up.

Whether your sister is a strong ally or a stiff competitor, chances are she's one of the few people on the planet who knows your whole life story. The relationship between sisters, or the lack of it, helps to define us as women and as individuals.

What Makes Families Happier?

How do we build happier families?


I've been thinking about this question and discussing it with my own family since I ran across excerpts from a new book this week titled The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Marriage, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much More (2013, published by William Morrow).


The author, Bruce Feiler, has some good ideas, and even backs them up with some recent research about families, children, and couples where he can. Here are some of his ideas that rang true with me as a family therapist:

1.      Happier families talk. They communicate with each other.

 

2.      Happier couples, and families, celebrate each other's accomplishments.

 

3.      Healthier families adapt to changes. Change happens. You might as well embrace it!

4.      Happier families try. They put time and effort into making family a top priority.

5.      Happier families do their best to eat dinner together as often as possible. If not dinner, then breakfast, or a snack, or something else is almost as good. Just do something! Feiler cites one cross-cultural study showing the US ranking 23rd out of 25 countries when it comes to eating meals together.

The article about Feiler’s book got me thinking about my own observations and reflections about other ways of helping create a happier life as a family:

1.      No family, just like no individual, can be happy all the time. We need to be realistic about our expectations that families are made up of individuals whose needs will differ at times. Conflicts will occur. Sibling rivalry is normal. We need to be able to disagree respectfully, compromise at times, and make repairs when needed.

 

2.      Mutual respect is key, between the adults, between the children and adults, and between the children. We need to make room for individual differences.

3.      Look for connecting points. Every week, we need to work some into our busy schedules. These include hugging goodbye or hello, having fun together in a shared activity, date nights, family game night, working on projects together, bedtime rituals, shared meals, playing sports together, cooking together, doing outdoor activities together, and making check-in points with each other.

4.      Encourage each other. Most adults and children get far more critical comments each day than positive ones. Happy families make a point to express what they see in each other's behaviors that they like. This is known as ‘catching your loved ones being good.’

5.      Happy families come in different shapes and sizes. Not all happy families have two adults. There can still be a decision to be a happy family even after the loss of parent by death or after divorce. I’ve seen it happen. It’s a decision and a choice. Happy families focus on being resilient. In fact, this makes you a good role model for your children, to be happy anyway, and try to live the best life you can, despite challenges.

6.      Loyalty. Happier families have each other’s back, and go direct with problems to the person they have the problem with, rather than to someone else.

7.      Credibility. In happier families, people keep their commitments. They do what they say they are going to do. The adults can be counted on, both by each other, and by the children.

8.      There are clear rules, consistently enforced. There is structure, but also some flexibility within that structure. The adults are the architects of the family. The children are not in charge.

9.      Mix it up and have some high-energy fun together. It might not be football, like the Kennedy clan, but doing some high-energy activity together is bonding.

10.  Everyone takes out their own stress/trash. Every adult needs to learn how to deal with their own stress and not bring it home to take it out on the family. Children and teens need to be taught how to do the same. Just like we need to teach our children to clean up after themselves, and not leave messes around the house for others to clean up, think of stress in the same way. Do it yourself.

11.  Make it okay to ask for help.

12.  Don't be so child-focused that the adults ignore each other. It’s helpful for children to realize that there are other needs in the family besides their own.

13.  Apologize when you are wrong. This makes it easier for your children to do the same.

14.  Get outside yourselves. Families are happier when they volunteer, or in some way become aware of the needs of others. It puts things in perspective.

 

15.  Warm it up. Express affection with touch, hugs, a kiss, or a verbal or written “I love you” as often as possible.

If these are some of the secrets of happy families, let’s share them! If your family life isn't happy, not much else matters.

Why Women Need Women

I recently finished an interesting new collection of essays about women and the importance of building a community of like-minded women around us. The essays, along with some beautifully photographed artwork, are compiled in Nothing but the Truth, so Help me God: 51Women Reveal the Power of Positive Female Connection (2012, Edited by Christine Bronstein and Carol Potts, and published in connection with A Band of Wives).

Most women do really benefit from their relationships with other supportive women. We have much to share and validate with each other, about our experiences as mothers, as wives, in finding time to do creative work, processing feelings about our bodies, aging, caregiving for elderly parents, nurturing ourselves, inspiring each other to go for our dreams, and empowering each other to take action to improve our world. If you have one or two or more women like this in your life, consider yourself blessed. A woman in your life who is generous, loving, and challenges you to ask yourself, "Why not?" can make an incredible difference in the kind of life you create.

Women do not have to be competitive with each other. If both are secure and grounded, women can be a great resource to each other, sharing ideas and providing comfort when needed. Many older women have told me they find friendships with other women only become more essential from mid-life and beyond into our later years. Some friendships endure and go the distance, while others may have a natural ending due to a change in life circumstances, or a break. In Nothing but…, one essayist suggests the average female friendship lasts seven years, so if you have some that are more enduring than that, you can feel doubly blessed.

I enjoyed the essay format of Nothing but..., and hearing the take of so many interesting, insightful, and articulate women about their own relationships with friends, and the impact those friendships have had on their own self-discovery. There are stories in the book of the role close women friends have played in getting through incredible challenge, loss, or transformation. I loved the story of a woman whose friend encourages her to write her book and meet weekly for coffee when their children are in school to read each other's writing that week; they provide encouragement and accountability for each other.

In my own life, I have witnessed the positive power of women supporting other women. In my first few years in private practice 20 years ago, when my children were small, I started and facilitated a community-based support group for working mothers that ran for 7 years, and also helped another mom start a group for stay-at home moms in our city. The power of a group of gentle, like-minded women is amazing. Connecting with other women helps us laugh, get perspective, and share ideas.

Even now, time with my close women friends, my adult daughters who are fabulous women I admire, or my Saturdays with the wonderful women in our book group are precious to me. Most women find their souls are filled in a unique way by time spent with other generous women. Nothing but... is an easy and fun read, and may get you thinking about the role of friendship with other women in your own life. As women, we need each other.

Setting Your Intentions for 2013

We’re beginning a brand new year, and it seems like a good time to set intentions for what you want to work towards as your goals this year. I have set a couple, and shared them with someone close to me. I'm encouraging the individuals I counsel and coach to do the same.

If we don't set goals and readjust our life course from time to time, or add in a new personal challenge, we can get stale. One year can roll into the next without the conscious intention to chart our course.  It's taking personal leadership in your own life.

Intentions are different than resolutions. New Year's resolutions often involve giving up something, or losing weight. Some people make the same resolutions every year, and experience a burnout factor with making or keeping them.

Setting intentions has more to do with looking at your life more broadly, with its different facets, and identifying a couple of areas that could be developed. While common New Year's resolutions could be to drink less alcohol, exercise more, eat better, or save money, intentions could expand the focus to consider improving your career situation, personal relationships, emotional health, travel goals, relocating or changing your living situation, or other areas of your life.

While setting goals to increase your physical fitness, or your finances, many people don't consider setting some goals for emotional growth over the next year. Don't overlook this very important part of your life. Here are some ideas to get you thinking:

·         Becoming more patient

·         Expressing my feelings more openly to my partner

·         Taking more responsibility for managing my moods, depression, or anxiety

·         Asking for the support I want

·         Empathizing more with others, realizing my perspective is not the only right one

·         Doing more self-care

·         Being a better, calmer parent

·         Not taking out my anger on others, learning to do something constructive with my anger

·         Honoring my commitments, keeping promises

·         Being on time

·         Being honest and truthful, even when it's hard to do so

·         Expressing my affection, using loving touch

·         Overreacting less

·         Managing my own stress, not taking it out on others

·         Listening from the heart

·         Putting away electronics  to better connect with loved ones

·         Playing more

·         Making time to teach my children/grandchildren life skills

·         Having more fun with my partner

·         Being a better husband/wife/partner

·         Begin dating

·         Make more friends

·         Not doing destructive or secretive behavior that is bad for me and/or dishonors those I love

·         Transcend self more/volunteer for a cause I care about

·         Develop my spiritual beliefs

·         Learn how to resolve conflicts respectfully, fight fairly

·         Express my appreciation to others

·         Apologizing when I am wrong, making repairs

·         Saying "I love you" often

·         Spending time with the small children and seniors in my life

·         Making family dinners at home, with candles and conversation, as often as possible to stay connected

·         Decide not to email or text about personal things, some things are only for person-to person conversation

·         Stop yelling, bullying, threatening to leave

·         Invite a family member to go to counseling with me to make things better

·         Court my partner, not take them for granted

·         Go on a weekly date night (no children)

·         Make your home a sanctuary: quiet, peaceful, organized, and a place to recharge

·         Be more supportive of other family members

·         Ask for feedback about how you are doing in your closest relationships

·         Initiate affection with your partner, don't make men make all the effort

·         Set healthy boundaries

·         Go direct to speak with the person you are upset with

·         Create some downtime

·         Create positive surprises

Hopefully this list will inspire you to set an emotional health or relationship intentions of your own for 2013.

Pick a couple, and write down the steps of how you will work towards your goal. What support will you need to reach your goal? Who can you ask for ideas on what steps to take? For my clients, I am an accountability partner and we can follow up on their path to each goal, but you can pick an accountability partner in your life if you like. Having someone else know our goals and check in with us about our progress helps our intentions get traction.

You can also create a vision board on a piece of posterboard to keep your goals front and center all year. Put it at the front of your closet or where you get ready in the morning for your day. Create conscious awareness of your goals. Check in monthly to determine if you are making progress.

Have an emotionally healthy and relationally close 2013. Set your intention to grow a little!

No Greater Loss: Losing a Child

The events of last Friday at Sandy Hook Elementary School deeply affected me and every person I know. The heartbreak of losing 20 six and seven year old children, and 6 heroic educators, by a mass shooter at their school, is overwhelming. It has touched the universal consciousness and humanity of all of us, across the nation, and around the world. The randomness of the loss, that children could be dropped off for school in the morning and be murdered by lunchtime at the school, a place which should be safe, has made the world more anxious. It happened in Newtown, but it could have been our town.

If you get to middle age, you can't help but realize that life is full of losses, big and small ones. You can lose a love, a parent, a sibling, a friend, financial stability, a home, a job you enjoy, your health, a partner, or a marriage. Each of these losses can be very difficult. They each require a grieving process, and a rebuilding of an individual's life afterwards.

Of all the kinds of losses there are in life, I can think of no greater loss than the loss of a child. Even President Obama identified with the parents who lost their children so abruptly and needlessly on Friday, and was pausing to wipe his own tears at his press conference.

What makes losing a child so shattering?

Loss is almost always proportional to the degree that you were attached to that person that you lost. With babies and children, they are completely dependent upon their parents, so the identities of parent and young child are intertwined, not completely separate.

Losing your child at any age, but especially a young one, feels out of the natural order of things. This makes it harder to accept and process. While it is difficult to lose an older beloved family member, you are able to take some comfort at their having lived a full life. With the loss of a child, there is a surreal sense that this is wrong.

The grief continues in a sort of spiral over time as family members grieve again at every developmental milestone their deceased child will miss out on. There is grief at the time of the loss, but also when they should have graduated, driven a car, gone to college, married, and had children of their own. There is the grief for the life ahead of them they were robbed of, and your loss as parents and grandparents to share those later joys with that child.

Grieving parents need to go through the grief process--- the shock, anger, bargaining, sadness, and eventually acceptance. They need to find a way to go on, for themselves, for those who remain in their family, and to honor the child who was taken from them. Peer support is incredibly helpful for parents who have lost a child, offering a place to connect with others who truly understand the nature of this profound loss. Compassionate Friends is one such non-profit support group for parents who have lost a child.

Men and women grieve the loss of a child differently, and understanding this is essential to husbands and wives supporting each other non-judgmentally after the loss, even when what they need to heal may be different. Our grief is as individual as our thumbprints. It is helpful to know what is normal.

While both are challenging, sudden loss can be more difficult to accept and process than an expected loss. One can understand intellectually that the child is gone, but wake up the next day feeling that the loss is not real. There was no chance to prepare.

One of the last challenges with grief, after we have felt the pain of the loss, and adjusted to our world without that beloved child, is to put some of the energy that went into that relationship into other places. To effectively resolve grief, we may want to become involved in honoring the child's memory, perhaps by becoming involved in advocacy for change in the world.

In the Newtown case, using this horrific loss for creating more reasonable gun control laws makes perfect sense. I have had other parents I have worked with who helped themselves heal from their child's premature death through fundraising for research on the prevention and treatment of a disease that took their child. We can't bring our child back, but we may be able to save others. When we give action to our feelings of "enough," we help both preserve the memory of those innocents, and restore our own sense of agency, rather than powerlessness.

The death of innocent children is a profound assault to our sense of safety in the world, our sense of fairness, and a test of our faith. When bad things happen to good people, we struggle as human beings to understand the meaning. From across the US and around the world, we identify with the parents of those sweet young children who lost their lives last week at Sandy Hook. There is truly no greater loss, and it touches us all and calls us to action.