How to Tell Your Kids You're Getting a Divorce

Children need to know what is happening in their family: here's how to have that difficult conversation you don't want to have. Read a recent Orange County Register article on telling your children about divorce here.

Aging Parents: Conversations to Have

It's emotionally difficult to watch a parent who you always remember being capable and independent deal with declining health and advancing age. It's a contrast to parenting, where you help someone small and dependent become progressively more independent. In loving an aging parent, we witness a formerly independent person cope with losses of friends, their partner, their vitality and energy, perhaps the ability to continue living in their home alone and their challenge to gracefully accept it all.

In Erik Erikson's life tasks for different life stages, the final stage is called "Integrity vs. Despair". At this stage, people review their life, and try to come to terms with what their contributions have been, and what significance their life has had. Seniors are often coping with chronic or progressive illnesses which may slow them down and consume a great deal of their time trying to cope. Many seniors deal with some depression or anxiety as they age and deal with loss. Support from family and friends makes an incredible difference as to how well aging parents can deal with their daily life.

Many people become just more of whatever their personality was like earlier in life (think sweet, complaining, thoughtful, connected, isolated, demanding, etc.) Many older seniors key in on their daily and weekly routines and structure for feelings of security amidst the changes that are occurring.
This can make them seem rigid to younger family members, but it helps to remember that this is a part of coping for many seniors ( such as' I like to eat at this restaurant', 'I always do these chores at this time of day', set television programming, morning and evening routines that self-comfort).

When I worked years ago for the counseling department of a large, local hospital, I helped families talk through planning for aging parents. I still do in my private practice. Here are some things to consider discussing with your aging parent(s):

1. Most aging parents do better in their own home for as long as possible, with services and care being brought into the home as needed.  These might include housekeeping, a home health aide, meal delivery, a bath aide, companion care and more. What are your parents' preferences when their home is no longer the safest place for them, or their needs are more than can be supplemented at home?

2. Do they have a family-friendly family practice doctor who can be the quarterback as other specialists are needed, and is willing to talk with one family member as the point of contact? If not, help them find one. If you live at a distance, a doctor who is willing to interact by email may be very helpful.

3.Create a central storage place for important documents such as medical records, lists of medications being taken, social security numbers, health insurance policy information and contact numbers, advanced directives for healthcare, etc. Keep a hard copy in two different locations that are fire-proof and water-proof.

4. Ask your parents if they have long-term care insurance. Nursing home care is very expensive and could wipe out their savings, or yours. If your parent is healthy enough to qualify, paying that premium, even yourself, may be a smart option.

5. Discuss finances. Who is the point-of contact relative for financial matters? This individual should have financial power of attorney. They need to know the location of key accounts and policies, and the name and contact information for financial advisors.

6. If you begin to suspect your aging parent is confused, get a medical assessment as soon as possible. You can often begin with their family practice doctor who can refer on to specialists who do neurological testing and assess for memory loss and dementia.

7. Discuss what they want to happen when they die. Would they like to be cremated, or buried? Would they like a service to be held? Would they like donations to go to a favorite charity or cause? These might be difficult conversations to have, but it's essential to knowing what their wishes are.

Being sensitive to all the losses your aging parents are going through will help. Consider how you would feel if you were losing your hearing or sight, your mobility, your friends, your partner, and potentially your ability to live independently in your home. There are lots of adjustments that have to be made along the way. Get a support system for yourself. You might be an only child, but even if you have one or more siblings, the care for aging parents often falls disproportionally on one or two.

Caring for aging parents can be meaningful, and it can be hard, both physically and emotionally. Communicating with your parents about these important concerns will help you move forward to make decisions effectively and thoughtfully as changes occur. Hopefully, when we are the oldest generation, our children will be there for us as we inevitably need them more, too.

Let's Disconnect: Put Down That iPad and Come to the Dinner Table

Families are struggling as they figure out how to cope with family members isolating and plugging into their technology. We've lost the boundaries where parents could easily protect the childhoods of their children. Partners notice how distracted their partner is. Work emails can bleed into evening and weekend space as it shows up on your iPad or iPhone. Children complain about parents that won't put down their phones; parents complain about teenagers doing the same thing.

There is an unspoken message being delivered anytime we are using technology that the person you are presently with is not the most important. It feels bad to be ignored. We long for breaks from feeling plugged-in and anxious. We need deep connection, but it's getting harder to protect emotional space and time for it. We long for being present with intimate others without distraction and multi-tasking. This generation of young people is known as "always on."

What's a family to do?

Psychologist, Harvard Medical School instructor, and writer Catherine Steiner-Adair has written an excellent new guide called The Big Disconnect (Harper Collins Books, 2013). Her book has lots of valuable reminders, such as:

1. Children and teens can't set reasonable limits. You need to be the parent and set off times.

2. Children and families still need time for independent, creative, self-generated play.

3. Make mealtimes family and connecting time: no technology of any kind. Children and parents need to practice and role model social skills and the art of connecting.

4. Don't miss your baby's, child's, or teen's important developmental moments because you are texting.

5. Help preschoolers learn to identify and manage their emotions, learn to take turns, and be patient.
Screen time can't help teach any of those soft skills. They are developed through 1:1 interaction.

6. Have conversations with your children and grandchildren of all ages, including eye contact. These are valuable zones of interaction. Story time or reading together with young children is better than iPad time.

7. Try not to use technology to get children to be quiet or not need you.

8. Be aware how technology accelerates exposure to gender stereotypes, sexuality, aggression, violence, and "cool to be cruel" comments on blogs and social media. Discuss these issues with your children at different developmental points.

9. Beware putting computers and televisions in your children's rooms too early, such as before 13. You may never see them.

10. Facebook and Instagram can emphasize a culture of obsessing about presentation of one's public self.

11. Text messaging gives an artificial sense of pre-planned wittiness and a false sense of confidence. It doesn't translate to in-person social skills.

12. Be an approachable parent, so that your children know they can talk with you about their concerns, and you won't lecture or overreact. In Dr. Steiner-Adair's research, she has learned that kids and teens won't open up and approach parents who are "scary, crazy, or clueless." Scary parents get judgmental, too intense, and harsh. Don't be reactive or hot-headed, or your children won't open up to you about their challenges. Crazy parents hold grudges, and email teachers and coaches when their child doesn't get what they want. Clueless parents are naïve, ineffective, passive, and act like their child's best friend.

13. The best approach is to become a parent who is informed, calm, approachable, and realistic.

The Big Disconnect is well worth reading. It will help you think through keeping the balance of using technology to your advantage, but not being mindless about letting it take over your family's life and connectedness. Don't sit passively by as your family ties loosen.

Engage your children. Simple contracts that your child or teen understands and signs about the conditions for the privilege of using a cell phone you pay for may be a good idea. Encourage texting only about quick details, not as a way to avoid conversations in person. Get the password for the phone, so that if their safety is in danger you can intercede. No sleeping with your phone. Technology has a bedtime. No phones at meals or family times. Ask your children to help you plan some fun time together that doesn't involve technology.

Close relationships and families require in person connecting, undistracted and completely available. Let's disconnect to really connect.