When Adults Throw Tantrums

Have you ever seen a full-grown adult have a meltdown? If you are observant, you can see adult-sized tantrums occur wherever you go, including when driving, at home, at work, in stores, in parking lots, and in restaurants. These tantrums occur when some adults don't get what they want, are frustrated, have to wait, have people cut in front of them, or others don't do what they want.

Adult-sized tantrums, in either women or men, aren't pretty. They actually make you look a bit silly and like you just regressed to a younger age. I like the saying, "You can tell the size of a person by the size of the thing that upsets them."

Tantrums can make you red-faced, throw things, scream, yell, curse, and drive unsafely. Getting into a tantrum can make you feel justified to say extremely hurtful things to both strangers and those you love. Hurtful things that are said can never be erased. The other person could always remember them.

There is a long-lasting impact of tantrums and blowing up with your loved ones. It's hard to get over it. It's very difficult to feel safe enough to be physically or emotionally close to someone you don't feel safe with. You never know when a rupture is going to happen next. It keeps the other person on guard and wary of you.

Here's something else to consider: adult tantrums usually have an audience. What is your partner, your child or teen, your co-worker, employee, or other person thinking and feeling about you when they see you lose it? It makes the adult who is throwing the fit look ridiculous.

When it's your parent who tantrums, it's very confusing and hard for young people to deal with. I know children and teens who are frightened by their parent's rage when driving, as well as anxious when parents throw things, slam doors, stomp off, don't speak to other family members for days, or call them ugly names in anger. What's a child to do about it?

Your relationship with your child is like an empathic envelope you hold them in, with much of daily life occurring on the edge of the envelope, where children push the limits and we let them out a bit and pull them back in as needed. Losing it and throwing tantrums with your child is like blowing that relational envelope to bits.

Disagreements and differences of opinion are normal and can be expressed in healthy ways. This includes sitting down with the other person, listening actively to the other person, and also expressing your thoughts and feelings. Fighting fairly can actually help you understand each other's needs better, grow your confidence that you can work through differences respectfully together, and bring you closer.

Having a tantrum, including screaming, raging, throwing things and wounding the other person with hurtful and curse words, is incredibly unskilled behavior. Instead, own that you are upset and take 20 minutes to calm yourself down before talking things out calmly. Remember, everybody gets older, but maturity is entirely optional. Developing enough of a governor to recognize that you are upset and losing control of your anger is a basic requirement for being an emotionally mature person. If you want great, healthy and close relationships, you can't afford to tantrum. The cost is way too high.

Stand Up To Grown-Up Size Bullies

Did you know that not all bullies are on the playground? Some bullies grow up and steamroll other people in their close relationships. You need to be able to identify if you are being bullied so that you can set limits, back away from the bullying behavior, and take back your own power over your own life and self-confidence. Nobody deserves to be bullied. It also doesn't bring people closer or make them love the bully. These controlling and dominating behaviors make you feel distant, unheard, and build resentment.

How do you know if you are in a relationship with a bully? Here are some warning signs you are in a relationship with one:

They deliver monologues.

They lecture.

They don't listen well.

They believe they are always right.

They are rigid and inflexible with others.

They use the words "me" and "mine" often, rather than "we" and "our".

They have difficulty shifting to see anyone else's perspective.

They yell, rant, and otherwise steamroll you.

They pout if they don't get their way.

They make verbal threats, for example threatening divorce to their partner anytime they don't get their way, or threatening their son or daughter to stop paying for college expenses.

They won't respond honestly or in an upfront way to your questions.

They manage the information they share, often withholding basic information in order to retain control.

They resist teamwork and can't share, negotiate, or compromise.

They are jealous of your friendships and healthy relationships with others. They can find something critical to say about everyone else you are close to. They want to isolate you.

They belittle, criticize, and otherwise marginalize you.

They are passive-aggressive with you, doing sneaky, mean, and deceptive actions to "get you back" for some perceived slight.

Why do people become bullies? It's often based on insecurity and emotional immaturity. People who really feel good about themselves don't need to cut others down to size or manipulate and bully to get their own way. The relational bully may have felt "less than" growing up and now is diminishing and controlling others to try to fill the gaps in their self-esteem.

What if you recognize yourself in these bullying relational patterns? Stop. Breathe. Listen more to others. Lecture less. Admit your mistakes. Practice restating what another person has told you about THEIR feelings so that you can really take it in, rather than simply pausing your lecture and resuming it. Honor other people's opinions, even if they are different from your own. Practice tolerance. Stop trying to withhold information. Be direct. Allow others to be themselves, and not be your clone. After all, that's what creates true intimacy and the closeness you desire; not mind-control. Deal with your own insecurities and fears. Relationships mean nothing if they are not based on mutual respect, and you have to give it to get it. It never works to demand respect or intimacy; you have to earn it.

What if this is your partner or your parent? Remind yourself that you have your own right to disagree or see a situation differently. Speak up. Step away.  Fill your life up with other positive people and projects. Don't allow the bully to destroy your confidence and self-esteem. Recognize this sad, poorly skilled behavior for what it is. State your own view respectfully. Don't be intimidated. See the bullying behavior accurately: a pathetic attempt of an unskilled person to always win. It won't work on you.

It's been said that everybody gets older, but maturity is optional. Some bullies graduate from school and go on attempting to control others all their lives. Let's not let them win. All important relationships have a foundation of mutual respect, honoring unique differences, and genuinely seeking to understand the intimate other, not coerce them into submission. If the bully in your life can't shift with your new dance steps, you may need to set big, healthy new boundaries for yourself. Life is too short to not stand up to relationship bullies.