When Your Adult Children Need Limits

Imagine if you had children and nurtured them, but they grew up to be adults and treated you badly on a consistent basis. What if your adult children used, abused, and dumped on you? Are they calling and telling you all their problems? Depending on you financially long after they should be independent? Still beating you up about their (long over) childhood? Now is the time to set some new, healthier boundaries and expectations.

You would end a friendship or love relationship with another adult who consistently treated you badly. We can have blind spots with our adult children where we allow mistreatment and emotional abuse we wouldn't accept from anyone else. Some adult children necessitate you taking back your own personal power, and stepping away from enabling their bad or weak behavior.You don't want to be codependent with your adult child's emotional immaturity.

What if your adult child blames you for all their unhappiness? Certainly I believe in apologizing for any mistakes you made, but enough is enough at some point. Some adult children get "stuck" in the blame or victim role and can't move along. Maybe they are well into adult years now, and have had more years on their own then you did raising them. You may have to set some limits about how far and long the blaming goes on. They might be enjoying the secondary gains of not moving on, rather than beginning to do the hard work of taking responsibility for building their own positive, productive life now.

Parents can be manipulated by their adult children, as they get their guilt buttons pushed. It is important to set your own limits about what you are and are not willing to do. You may be willing to help with finances for a limited amount of time. You may not want them to move in with you and become a child again in an open-ended way. It may be better to help them with a specific cost, such as educational expenses, or help with their own rent for a specific amount of time that has an ending. You may be happy to speak by phone or spend time together, but have a  prepared exit strategy if a pleasant interaction turns abusive or toxic. You may not be willing to stay with them if it is upsetting each time. Shorter visits may be preferable.

You may have to give your adult child some space if they are misusing you. Call less often. Meet up at a neutral location, such as a restaurant for a meal. Prepare a broken record response if they begin to verbally attack you, such as, "I understand that you are unhappy with how your life is going, but this isn't going to help." You may be willing to help your adult child in a time-limited fashion, if they are taking demonstrable steps to help themselves. You may want to reframe by asking them what they think they can do to create a positive change in their life. You could also redirect the conversation to something else. You could not be immediately available at all times. Give less: time, attention, financial support.

Explain that it puts you in an awkward position if they repeatedly call you to bash their partner. It may be healthier to redirect them to talk directly to their partner, and not triangulate you in the middle, or see a therapist. This is changing your own dance steps. You are not a dumping ground or a doormat. Realize that to be someone else's doormat, you do have to lie down (be passive and allow it).

You have certain rights as a person, too. When you had children, you didn't give up your need for personal dignity or respect. You have a right to move closer emotionally to people who treat you well and are supportive. Put more distance between yourself and people, including your adult children, who mistreat you. You have a right to peace, and not being anybody's emotional punching bag. Some adult children have elevated and unrealistic expectations about you always being at their service. You are a part of the problem if you enable their bad or weak behavior. Your own health will suffer if you don't set boundaries.

Having children can be an incredible blessing. As your children become adults themselves, it is essential to shift gears in the parent-child relationship. You love them, but you also have firm and clear limits about what you will and won't do, and what behaviors you cannot accept or encourage. Being respectful of others and requiring respect back from others is something that only you can do.

It's a healthy response to develop the backbone to not be an enabler. This is reworking your part of the parent-child dance, doing your best to help your adult son or daughter stop blaming, and start addressing the issues in their own life. This takes strength, but it's really the most loving and helpful thing you can do for your adult child: loving them, but stepping away from the drama, setting firm limits, and not feeding the problem. Maybe you're still parenting, but shifting to an appropriate stance for your adult child's situation, and encouraging their strength, health, and emotional growth.

I do coach families in my counseling office or remotely by phone or skype on this issue. If I can be of help, feel free to email me at christynnelson@gmail.com, or take a look at my coaching and counseling services at christynnelson.com. I often find that a couple of coaching sessions can make a big difference in getting you to play your part differently in the family.

Love Isn't About Control

On 60 Minutes this weekend, they featured a segment about the break-up that happened recently with Katie Holmes filing for divorce from Tom Cruise. It's all speculation, but they noted that Katie's "surprising" Tom with the divorce appeared to be a tactical, strategic operation taking quite a bit of pre-planning. The anchors conjectured that she seemed to be doing the emotional equivalent of escaping from Alcatraz. Popular media is reporting sources that claim Tom dominated Katie's career moves, the company she kept, and may have thrust her into a role in Scientology that she may not have wanted for herself, or for their daughter, Suri.

Love is better between equals. It really shouldn't be about controlling the other person, or getting them to do every little thing your way. A secure person can accept the unique differences between themself and the person they love.

When you choose a life partner, you want to build a life together, not fit them into your script. You want to hear about their desires, preferences, and ideas. You want a safe way to dialogue about your differences in a respectful way, and listen just as much as you speak. Don't lecture or deliver monologues to your partner.

Love between equals means that you each contribute to the relationship---through time, effort, and/or finances. You respect the contributions that your partner makes. You make big decisions together. You don't assume that you are always right. You don't hide important information from them, leaving them outside the loop in their own relationship.

Healthy couples disagree sometimes, respectfully and fairly. This means you don't call names. You listen to your partner. They listen to you. You both try to understand the other person's perspective. You compromise, or take turns in getting to influence important decisions.

People also change over time. In successful, enduring relationships, you need to be able to accept that your partner will probably change and develop over the course of the relationship. Hopefully you will also evolve. If you can't learn to be flexible, and make it safe and comfortable to be open with you about what they need, you partner may come to feel suffocated by the relationship.

Here are some tips for love among equals:

1.      Encourage your partner to talk with you about their needs, thoughts, desires, and hopes (even if they are different from yours)

2.      Celebrate the differences between you. Do some activities together, and some separate. (Happy couples also individuate. Think Paul Newman and Jo Ann Woodward: He raced cars, she was a ballet fan.)

3.      Allow yourself and your partner to change and grow.

4.      Listen as much as you speak.

5.      Share decision-making with your partner- don’t dominate in how things are done, from holidays, to how money is spent, to travel plans, religious practice, and everything else.

6.      Be open and transparent, and ask the same of your partner.

7.      Support your partner's growth and development. Keep working on your own.

It's over for Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's marriage.
Hopefully, they can work out a way to work to respectfully co-parent Suri, despite the marriage ending.
It's sad when happily ever after goes bust a short five years later. Women are more commonly the partner to file for divorce. These critical skills of sharing power and control, and cherishing the differences between yourself and the other person are among the best tools that couples have for a loving relationship that really works and grows over time. You want to love someone who is your equal, challenges you, and lets you be you. Your partner deserves all these good things, too. Happily ever after? Maybe it's love, honor, respect, and negotiate ever after.

Raising Confident, Capable Children

I got a call this week from a PTA rep at an elementary school near my office who asked me to come and speak in a couple weeks about 'Raising Capable, Confident Children' at a morning meeting for parents at the school. I happily accepted, and have been perusing my file on presentations I have given on the past on this topic. I am reflecting from my twenty years counseling parents, children, and teens about how important it is to help raise children who are responsible, kind, hard-working, honest, and self-motivated.

As a parent myself, with children in late high school, college, and launching out to adult life on their own after college, I see the importance more than ever of parenting with our long-term purpose in mind. My goal has been to launch 3 capable young adults into the world, who have determination and resiliency, set goals and work towards them, and live with integrity and kindness. I want them to have healthy relationships, with give and take, and develop their own voice both in relationships and in the world. I want them each to find their purpose in the world of work, so that they can contribute and have the high self-esteem that comes with being able to support yourself.

As parents, how do we help to create this?

Our parenting style matters. Are we dictators, who threaten, punish, yell, and threaten? Are we doormat parents, who don't have any clear rules and are afraid to say no, needing to be our child's buddy? Or are we active parents, who are loving, but also have clear family rules and responsibilities, set limits, and give consequences that are consistently and calmly enforced? These parenting styles result in differential outcomes.I see it happen with the families I work with. I see it in my own family.

How do we teach our children to be responsible? This character trait is best taught in little lessons all along the parenting journey. Even small children can be taught to feed a pet, set the table, or keep their room picked up. We can role model doing Saturday chores together as a family. As children grow up, we can be mindful to watch for all of the little lessons and skills we can teach them along the path to growing up. We can increase a teen's confidence by helping them learn to do their own laundry, cook a few meals, become a safe driver, and learn how to do household tasks that they will be glad they know later. We cannot overprotect or make them weaker. We can teach them how to manage a small amount of money, and later how to get a part-time job and learn about being on time, the value of money earned, and dealing with the public.

How can we teach our children healthy relationship skills? We can model using them, by not being a hot reactor, talking through conflicts, and communicating effectively with them. I taught Active Parenting classes for parents for many years, and so admire parents who weren't sure how to be an effective parent, not wanting to repeat their own parents' mistakes, and dedicated the 12 hours it took to take the Active Parenting series with me. We can listen to our children. We can ask them how they see things. We can hold family meetings, where everyone gets the information on what's happening in our family, learns to express themselves and have a say, and solve problems or make fun plans together. We can learn to be an approachable parent, and not block communication between us and our child. We can demonstrate the importance of mutual respect in the family by our own behavior. We give them our respect, and we require it from them, as well.

As a parent, we don't have to be perfect, and our children don't expect that. We should, however, be able to apologize if we are wrong, and role model how to make repairs in a relationship. We need to spend positive time together with our child, teaching them things, doing activities together, and helping and encouraging their effort and growth in their schoolwork, sports, activities, courage, self-initiative, and leadership. I've seen too many parents over the years that were just critical, and didn't see the tremendous positive influence they could have on their child by encouraging the best in them.

Each child is different, and comes with their own strengths, challenges, and temperament.

Our challenge, if we choose to face it, is to figure out who you've been sent, what their natural strengths are, and help them by teaching them and equipping them for adult life in every way that you can. The more socially skilled, responsible, resilient, and motivated your child can become, the brighter their future can be. You'll leave this planet better because of the child you are leaving behind, and working yourself out of a job. That's success for a parent, and it feels wonderful.

Finding Your Voice

It seems like the people who it is hardest to assert yourself with are always the ones closest to you ,and who you love the most. Growing up, many of us learn to please the adults around us who have power over our lives. While being sensitive to the feelings of others is an important quality, learning to speak up when it counts, or when someone close to you is out of line, is also essential.

Self-assertion is especially a challenge for many women, and for young women in particular. Carl Jung told us that in the second half of life, if all maturing goes well, men become softened and more gentle, while women become stronger and have more of a voice than they did earlier. In the growing up years, girls often are afraid to speak up or share their thoughts. The American Association of University Women(AAUW) published their landmark study on girls in the coeducational classroom, and how girls often participate less, and speak up less, in the presence of the opposite sex.

It is my great joy to work with my patients of all ages and both genders to help them develop their own voice. It takes a strong sense of self to learn to appropriately speak up at the right time, and in the right way. It is a great enhancement to your self-esteem to know how to do this, and you can feel successful and at peace with yourself to not be bullied or treated in a way that makes you feel disrespected.

Being positively assertive means standing up for yourself in such a way that you are honest with the other person about what you want, feel, or think. You don't shut down, distance, or stack your internal cupboard with resentment. That would be the passive approach, which enables the bully to keep up their bad behavior, makes you feel distant and like you are in the WRONG relationship, and gives the other person no boundary. Passive people enable bad behavior in others since they are afraid to ever stand up.

Being aggressive is going too far. It is being honest at the other persons' expense. Aggressive people rage at others, call names, and verbally bully others to get their own way. You might win the argument, but others will distance themselves from you emotionally because you are unfair and disrepectful to them. People who have done their own internal work on themselves, examined their lives, and are at peace with themselves, don't want or need to be aggressive or be around others with an aggressive style. It's exhausting, and like the movie 'Ghostbusters', it makes you feel you have been slimed.

So where do you need to positively assert yourself in your life? Is their a person at work or at home that makes you feel trampled? Or, perhaps you are someone who has been acting too controlling and aggressive with others, and you need to take inventory, make amends, and begin again, in a new way, with the people you care most about. This is a new week and a new beginning.

Girls and women, in particular, need to know that you can still be feminine and be positively assertive. It doesn't require you to be bossy, nasty, or mean. You don't have to be pushy or disagreeable. YOU JUST NEED TO BE ABLE TO SPEAK UP APPROPRIATELY WHEN THAT STILL, SMALL VOICE INSIDE OF YOU SAYS SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT.

Here are some of everybody's basic human rights in relationships:

1. The right to act in ways that promote your dignity ond self-respect, as long as you don't violate others' rights.

2. The right to be treated with respect.

3. The right to say no and not feel guilty.

4.The right to experience and express your own feelings.

5.The right to slow down and think.

6. The right to change your mind.

7. The right to ask for what you want.

8.The right to do less that what you are humanly capable of doing.

9.The right to ask for information.

10. The right to feel good about yourself.

11. The right to make mistakes, acknowledge, and learn from them.

12. The right to grow and change.

When you are positively assertive this week, see what happens. If it is a new behavior, like a new muscle you build up at the gym, it may be uncomfortable. Keep it up. It will get easier with practice. If you are assertive, it greatly enhances your chances of getting what you want. At the very least, you will build your confidence, be honest, and engender your respect and the respect of the people you are close to. You will find your voice, and that's a very good thing.

Respect: Key Ingredient for Great Relationships

One of my missions in my counseling practice is to guide people to create relationships that include mutual respect. Couples that practice respect for the differences between them, rather than trying to criticize each other, are so much happier. Parents who treat their children and teens with respect find it much easier to require it back from them. Learning self-respect and how to teach other people how you wish to be treated is an important part of maturing. Treating strangers with respect and kindness makes you a class act.

You can feel when you are being treated with respect. It feels wonderful. The person makes eye contact with you. They ask your opinion. You don't get interrupted. You can relax and be yourself, because you aren't teased, belittled, or the object of sarcasm. You feel just as important as the other person.

I have seen family relationships transform when parents stop lecturing and ask teens for their help or their ideas. Family meetings are more fun at every age and stage when you let the children give input, on everything from how to save more money, to planning family activities, or dividing up chores.

We are not all equals in the family, as the parents are the executives. Families work much better as democracies, where everyone gets their say, even if they don't get their way. Parents sometimes need to make the final decision, but the family is a great place to practice the respectful exchange of ideas. I am often amazed at how much more fun family life is when we get everybody interacting respectfully and identifying solutions and new possibilties.

Couples can be closer and enjoy each other more when they celebrate the unique perspective, experiences, and thoughts that each partner brings. Using a respectful tone and appreciating your partners' thoughts and feelings draws them closer to you. They feel they can relax and be at ease. I want couples to feel they can talk about anything---money, work, interests, family, sexuality, politics, faith, hopes, and dreams. You can only open up at this intimate level if your partner provides you with the comfort of respect.

When you respect someone, there are rules for how you interact with them. You watch your tone. You don't yell or name call. You apologize if you catch yourself being disrepectful. You aren't too proud to ask for forgiveness when you have hurt the other person. You allow the other person to have their own opinion. You avoid criticism and sarcasm. You don't use the words 'always' or 'never', which box your partner in. You appreciate their differences, and understand that there is often more than one way to do things.

It all has to start with self-respect, and knowing that each of us deserves, as our birthright, to be treated in this loving way. You have to exercise your own self-worth and require respectful treatment in your most important relationships. As you practice repecting yourself and others, it will become your natural order and you will witness magic in your relationships.