Your Own True North

At times, I see a theme in the life coaching and counseling work that I am doing, running across several individuals I am working with. In the past several weeks, I have been guiding different people in the similar theme of  not betraying themselves.

Often we consider not letting others down, but rarely do we consider not letting ourselves down. In relationships, at work, and in our lives in general, we need to be our best, most authentic self. You can feel the tension and resentment that builds up inside you if you are not being honest with yourself and the others who are important to you. Notice what your body feels when you are around different people. Are you at ease, or tense?

We need to say the truth about what we need and want. We need to be brave enough emotionally to stand up to people who want to belittle us, or for whom you need to act smaller than you are in order to fit into their perception of us. We need to not be codependent with those who would marginalize us, or beat us up emotionally with our past choices. We are allowed to change and grow, and expect that the people close to us give us the grace to do so.

Every person has a basic right to say how they want to be treated. Philosopher and writer Martin Buber wrote about the "I and Thou" relationship, where we treat the intimate other with respect, compassion, and tenderness. We also have a right to ask to have that respectful relationship reciprocated to us. That is how we should strive to treat not only our partner, but also our children, our parents, our co-workers and friends.

What happens if you betray yourself in a relationship, perhaps out of fear of losing that person? You are giving away some of your own personal power to them. You are letting your need for the relationship, or your insecurities from the past, or about this relationship, run the show. You shouldn't have to betray your true north, or your sense of being at peace with yourself, in order to maintain the homeostasis in any relationship. That's a bad deal, and over time, that bargain will eat away at your sense of self. Perhaps it will also eat away at your spirit like acid rain.

This is the only life we know for sure that you get. Treat it with reverence. Make sure that you are reflecting from time to time about whether you are being honest and appearing as yourself in each of the relationships in your life. Nobody needs to give you permission. You can give it to yourself.

It is never too late to reset your life course for your own true north. I admire people who decide in middle age or beyond to retrain for fulfilling work, or recognize they are tired of ignoring their own feelings, or getting stepped on by their family, partner, or friends. You must be your own best friend and advocate for your life being lived fully.

What direction do you need to steer in order to be more fully congruent and your authentic self in all the parts of your life? This week is a perfectly good week to take a step or two in the direction of your own true north. A baby step will work just fine, and will strengthen your ability and resolve to keep on going. Ask for the support of those closest to you.

Stand Up To Grown-Up Size Bullies

Did you know that not all bullies are on the playground? Some bullies grow up and steamroll other people in their close relationships. You need to be able to identify if you are being bullied so that you can set limits, back away from the bullying behavior, and take back your own power over your own life and self-confidence. Nobody deserves to be bullied. It also doesn't bring people closer or make them love the bully. These controlling and dominating behaviors make you feel distant, unheard, and build resentment.

How do you know if you are in a relationship with a bully? Here are some warning signs you are in a relationship with one:

They deliver monologues.

They lecture.

They don't listen well.

They believe they are always right.

They are rigid and inflexible with others.

They use the words "me" and "mine" often, rather than "we" and "our".

They have difficulty shifting to see anyone else's perspective.

They yell, rant, and otherwise steamroll you.

They pout if they don't get their way.

They make verbal threats, for example threatening divorce to their partner anytime they don't get their way, or threatening their son or daughter to stop paying for college expenses.

They won't respond honestly or in an upfront way to your questions.

They manage the information they share, often withholding basic information in order to retain control.

They resist teamwork and can't share, negotiate, or compromise.

They are jealous of your friendships and healthy relationships with others. They can find something critical to say about everyone else you are close to. They want to isolate you.

They belittle, criticize, and otherwise marginalize you.

They are passive-aggressive with you, doing sneaky, mean, and deceptive actions to "get you back" for some perceived slight.

Why do people become bullies? It's often based on insecurity and emotional immaturity. People who really feel good about themselves don't need to cut others down to size or manipulate and bully to get their own way. The relational bully may have felt "less than" growing up and now is diminishing and controlling others to try to fill the gaps in their self-esteem.

What if you recognize yourself in these bullying relational patterns? Stop. Breathe. Listen more to others. Lecture less. Admit your mistakes. Practice restating what another person has told you about THEIR feelings so that you can really take it in, rather than simply pausing your lecture and resuming it. Honor other people's opinions, even if they are different from your own. Practice tolerance. Stop trying to withhold information. Be direct. Allow others to be themselves, and not be your clone. After all, that's what creates true intimacy and the closeness you desire; not mind-control. Deal with your own insecurities and fears. Relationships mean nothing if they are not based on mutual respect, and you have to give it to get it. It never works to demand respect or intimacy; you have to earn it.

What if this is your partner or your parent? Remind yourself that you have your own right to disagree or see a situation differently. Speak up. Step away.  Fill your life up with other positive people and projects. Don't allow the bully to destroy your confidence and self-esteem. Recognize this sad, poorly skilled behavior for what it is. State your own view respectfully. Don't be intimidated. See the bullying behavior accurately: a pathetic attempt of an unskilled person to always win. It won't work on you.

It's been said that everybody gets older, but maturity is optional. Some bullies graduate from school and go on attempting to control others all their lives. Let's not let them win. All important relationships have a foundation of mutual respect, honoring unique differences, and genuinely seeking to understand the intimate other, not coerce them into submission. If the bully in your life can't shift with your new dance steps, you may need to set big, healthy new boundaries for yourself. Life is too short to not stand up to relationship bullies.

Finding Your Voice

It seems like the people who it is hardest to assert yourself with are always the ones closest to you ,and who you love the most. Growing up, many of us learn to please the adults around us who have power over our lives. While being sensitive to the feelings of others is an important quality, learning to speak up when it counts, or when someone close to you is out of line, is also essential.

Self-assertion is especially a challenge for many women, and for young women in particular. Carl Jung told us that in the second half of life, if all maturing goes well, men become softened and more gentle, while women become stronger and have more of a voice than they did earlier. In the growing up years, girls often are afraid to speak up or share their thoughts. The American Association of University Women(AAUW) published their landmark study on girls in the coeducational classroom, and how girls often participate less, and speak up less, in the presence of the opposite sex.

It is my great joy to work with my patients of all ages and both genders to help them develop their own voice. It takes a strong sense of self to learn to appropriately speak up at the right time, and in the right way. It is a great enhancement to your self-esteem to know how to do this, and you can feel successful and at peace with yourself to not be bullied or treated in a way that makes you feel disrespected.

Being positively assertive means standing up for yourself in such a way that you are honest with the other person about what you want, feel, or think. You don't shut down, distance, or stack your internal cupboard with resentment. That would be the passive approach, which enables the bully to keep up their bad behavior, makes you feel distant and like you are in the WRONG relationship, and gives the other person no boundary. Passive people enable bad behavior in others since they are afraid to ever stand up.

Being aggressive is going too far. It is being honest at the other persons' expense. Aggressive people rage at others, call names, and verbally bully others to get their own way. You might win the argument, but others will distance themselves from you emotionally because you are unfair and disrepectful to them. People who have done their own internal work on themselves, examined their lives, and are at peace with themselves, don't want or need to be aggressive or be around others with an aggressive style. It's exhausting, and like the movie 'Ghostbusters', it makes you feel you have been slimed.

So where do you need to positively assert yourself in your life? Is their a person at work or at home that makes you feel trampled? Or, perhaps you are someone who has been acting too controlling and aggressive with others, and you need to take inventory, make amends, and begin again, in a new way, with the people you care most about. This is a new week and a new beginning.

Girls and women, in particular, need to know that you can still be feminine and be positively assertive. It doesn't require you to be bossy, nasty, or mean. You don't have to be pushy or disagreeable. YOU JUST NEED TO BE ABLE TO SPEAK UP APPROPRIATELY WHEN THAT STILL, SMALL VOICE INSIDE OF YOU SAYS SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT.

Here are some of everybody's basic human rights in relationships:

1. The right to act in ways that promote your dignity ond self-respect, as long as you don't violate others' rights.

2. The right to be treated with respect.

3. The right to say no and not feel guilty.

4.The right to experience and express your own feelings.

5.The right to slow down and think.

6. The right to change your mind.

7. The right to ask for what you want.

8.The right to do less that what you are humanly capable of doing.

9.The right to ask for information.

10. The right to feel good about yourself.

11. The right to make mistakes, acknowledge, and learn from them.

12. The right to grow and change.

When you are positively assertive this week, see what happens. If it is a new behavior, like a new muscle you build up at the gym, it may be uncomfortable. Keep it up. It will get easier with practice. If you are assertive, it greatly enhances your chances of getting what you want. At the very least, you will build your confidence, be honest, and engender your respect and the respect of the people you are close to. You will find your voice, and that's a very good thing.