Growing Up Quiet

Over a third of the population are introverts, while the other two-thirds are extroverts. Introverts can have strong people skills, but they prefer to be interacting with people one-on-one, and they can get drained by group interaction. Introverts need alone time to recharge their energy.

If most people are extroverts, who enjoy lots of interaction and get recharged by being with people, then more parents and teachers are also extroverted. There is pressure from parents and teachers to get children to be more social.

 I often see children and teens in counseling whose parents worry that perhaps their child is not socially engaged with others on weekends and during other free time. When I check with the child or teen, sometimes they are not depressed, but have had more than enough people contact all week at school.

It often occurs that extroversion is the norm and the ideal, but we need to rethink that assumption. It's far better for us to be informed about the continuum of introversion to extroversion, and being sensitive accepting our own natural temperament type, as well as those of the people we're close to. There is nothing inherently bad about being an introvert.

This situation is the topic of the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain (Crown Publishers, 2012). In this well-written book, Cain suggests that we undervalue introverts. She charts the historical development of the ‘Extrovert Ideal’ from Dale Carnegie courses about how to win friends and influence people via extroversion, to Tony Robbins, Harvard Business School, American schools, and mega-churches. We favor extroverts, and it's not fair to those who are more reserved by natural temperament.

I found Cain's interview with Harvard developmental psychology researcher Jerome Kagan fascinating. He's in his 80s, and has spent his career studying the emotional and cognitive development of children. In one of his studies, begun in 1989, Kagan and his team began to study 500 four-month-old infants, and based on a 45 minute evaluation, he predicted which babies were likely to become introverts or extroverts as adults. In the study, babies were exposed to voices, noises, colors and smells. Their reactions varied widely, some being highly reactive, and others being low reactors.

Kagan reexamined his subjects at ages 2, 7, and 11. As it turned out, Kagan was right. His predictions were accurate that the babies who were highly reactive to stimuli at age 4 months usually grew into more serious, quiet, introverted types. The low reactive infants, who remained calm, were more likely to develop into relaxed, confident, extroverted types.

Cain examines brain research on what role the amygdala, the emotional switchboard in the brain, may play in differential reactivity in extroverts vs. introverts. Some of what determines reactivity may be hard-wired in your genetics. Another part is the influence of the world around you. David Dobbs developed a theory that some children are like dandelions, meaning they can thrive in just about any environment. "Orchid children," in contrast, have highly reactive nervous systems that can make them easily overwhelmed with adversity. Orchid children especially need a nurturing environment. These highly sensitive children can, with the right support and nurturing, grow to become even more socially skilled and have fewer emotional difficulties than the low-reactors.

It's helpful to know some of the concepts, particularly if you are on the quiet side, or are close to someone who is. It helps us accept that while your amygdala may be hard-wired to panic when you have to give a speech or make small talk in a crowd of strangers, your adaptive self-talk can calm you down and help you get through the temporary stress. Learning to coach yourself through situations that aren't natural for you helps train your frontal cortex (the higher level thinking part of your brain) to not let the amygdala (the ancient part of the brain) run the whole show.

Cain's book gives us a better way to understand and accept our own natural level of extroversion or introversion. She also encourages each of us to find our optimum level or "sweet spot" of stimulation. We don't want to be either bored (under-stimulated), or overwhelmed (over-stimulated).You can have some fun playing with how much stimulation, social interaction, and alone time you like in your week, your weekend, and your life.

Quiet is a perfectly good way to be, and a fascinating read. Understanding your own temperament, and that of your partner and children, is an excellent place to start.

Raising Confident, Capable Children

I got a call this week from a PTA rep at an elementary school near my office who asked me to come and speak in a couple weeks about 'Raising Capable, Confident Children' at a morning meeting for parents at the school. I happily accepted, and have been perusing my file on presentations I have given on the past on this topic. I am reflecting from my twenty years counseling parents, children, and teens about how important it is to help raise children who are responsible, kind, hard-working, honest, and self-motivated.

As a parent myself, with children in late high school, college, and launching out to adult life on their own after college, I see the importance more than ever of parenting with our long-term purpose in mind. My goal has been to launch 3 capable young adults into the world, who have determination and resiliency, set goals and work towards them, and live with integrity and kindness. I want them to have healthy relationships, with give and take, and develop their own voice both in relationships and in the world. I want them each to find their purpose in the world of work, so that they can contribute and have the high self-esteem that comes with being able to support yourself.

As parents, how do we help to create this?

Our parenting style matters. Are we dictators, who threaten, punish, yell, and threaten? Are we doormat parents, who don't have any clear rules and are afraid to say no, needing to be our child's buddy? Or are we active parents, who are loving, but also have clear family rules and responsibilities, set limits, and give consequences that are consistently and calmly enforced? These parenting styles result in differential outcomes.I see it happen with the families I work with. I see it in my own family.

How do we teach our children to be responsible? This character trait is best taught in little lessons all along the parenting journey. Even small children can be taught to feed a pet, set the table, or keep their room picked up. We can role model doing Saturday chores together as a family. As children grow up, we can be mindful to watch for all of the little lessons and skills we can teach them along the path to growing up. We can increase a teen's confidence by helping them learn to do their own laundry, cook a few meals, become a safe driver, and learn how to do household tasks that they will be glad they know later. We cannot overprotect or make them weaker. We can teach them how to manage a small amount of money, and later how to get a part-time job and learn about being on time, the value of money earned, and dealing with the public.

How can we teach our children healthy relationship skills? We can model using them, by not being a hot reactor, talking through conflicts, and communicating effectively with them. I taught Active Parenting classes for parents for many years, and so admire parents who weren't sure how to be an effective parent, not wanting to repeat their own parents' mistakes, and dedicated the 12 hours it took to take the Active Parenting series with me. We can listen to our children. We can ask them how they see things. We can hold family meetings, where everyone gets the information on what's happening in our family, learns to express themselves and have a say, and solve problems or make fun plans together. We can learn to be an approachable parent, and not block communication between us and our child. We can demonstrate the importance of mutual respect in the family by our own behavior. We give them our respect, and we require it from them, as well.

As a parent, we don't have to be perfect, and our children don't expect that. We should, however, be able to apologize if we are wrong, and role model how to make repairs in a relationship. We need to spend positive time together with our child, teaching them things, doing activities together, and helping and encouraging their effort and growth in their schoolwork, sports, activities, courage, self-initiative, and leadership. I've seen too many parents over the years that were just critical, and didn't see the tremendous positive influence they could have on their child by encouraging the best in them.

Each child is different, and comes with their own strengths, challenges, and temperament.

Our challenge, if we choose to face it, is to figure out who you've been sent, what their natural strengths are, and help them by teaching them and equipping them for adult life in every way that you can. The more socially skilled, responsible, resilient, and motivated your child can become, the brighter their future can be. You'll leave this planet better because of the child you are leaving behind, and working yourself out of a job. That's success for a parent, and it feels wonderful.