Parenting as a Team

I like it when parents get on the same team in parenting. Children and teens really respond better to it. Being on the same page really helps the parent's marriage as well. Nobody wants to play the bad cop all the time.

I taught Active Parenting classes for years, and still call on the program's clear description of the three most common parenting styles when I'm counseling parents and families.
The three parenting styles are:

Dictators: Set clear rules but enforce them by screaming, yelling, threats, spanking, punishment and taking things away. This style might work for a while, depending on your child or teen's  temperament, but at some point your child will shut you out and stop confiding in you. (Think about it- would you open up with a problem to a parent who yelled at you?)

Doormats: These parents either don't have rules or they only enforce them at times. Other times they let things slide, and their children and teens often get too much power by learning to manipulate these softies. Doormat parents are loving, but don't set limits effectively. The children of doormats may be delayed in developing skills for independent living in their future.

Active Parents: Have clear rules that are developed with the children and are consistently enforced. Active parents use natural and logical consequences, and offer choices. They try their best to stay calm and reasonable. Active parents care about being loving and approachable, but also raising children who can accept limits. They give children and teens expanding or contracting limits based on how responsible they are being.

Can you identify your parenting style here? How about the styles your own parents used?

Just imagine the challenges and resentment that develops when one parent is a dictator and the other parent can see how they are alienating their child. Equally bad is when one parent is a doormat parent and the remaining parent feels undermined because they are always the heavy in the parenting department. When both parents are doormats, children learn to manipulate to get their own way.

Whether parents are married, divorced or single, parenting from the active parenting style (where you are loving, but carry consequences, choices and clearly defined limits) is the way to go. We want to parent with the end game in mind: raising caring, loving, responsible and independent young adults who contribute to the world around them.  Consider holding weekly family meetings with school age children to get the whole team working in the same direction on cooperation, chores, homework, the morning and evening routine. Children need a place to have a say about what is going on in the family, and how we can work together to improve it.

If you are overwhelmed as a parent, or find yourself yelling or frustrated with your children, consider taking a parenting class or meeting with a family therapist who can help you and your partner get on the same team and build a less stressful, better family. Even divorced parents are actually still on the same team in terms of the parenting until every child is successfully launched into adult life. Let's work together and keep that goal in mind.

Raising Confident, Capable Children

I got a call this week from a PTA rep at an elementary school near my office who asked me to come and speak in a couple weeks about 'Raising Capable, Confident Children' at a morning meeting for parents at the school. I happily accepted, and have been perusing my file on presentations I have given on the past on this topic. I am reflecting from my twenty years counseling parents, children, and teens about how important it is to help raise children who are responsible, kind, hard-working, honest, and self-motivated.

As a parent myself, with children in late high school, college, and launching out to adult life on their own after college, I see the importance more than ever of parenting with our long-term purpose in mind. My goal has been to launch 3 capable young adults into the world, who have determination and resiliency, set goals and work towards them, and live with integrity and kindness. I want them to have healthy relationships, with give and take, and develop their own voice both in relationships and in the world. I want them each to find their purpose in the world of work, so that they can contribute and have the high self-esteem that comes with being able to support yourself.

As parents, how do we help to create this?

Our parenting style matters. Are we dictators, who threaten, punish, yell, and threaten? Are we doormat parents, who don't have any clear rules and are afraid to say no, needing to be our child's buddy? Or are we active parents, who are loving, but also have clear family rules and responsibilities, set limits, and give consequences that are consistently and calmly enforced? These parenting styles result in differential outcomes.I see it happen with the families I work with. I see it in my own family.

How do we teach our children to be responsible? This character trait is best taught in little lessons all along the parenting journey. Even small children can be taught to feed a pet, set the table, or keep their room picked up. We can role model doing Saturday chores together as a family. As children grow up, we can be mindful to watch for all of the little lessons and skills we can teach them along the path to growing up. We can increase a teen's confidence by helping them learn to do their own laundry, cook a few meals, become a safe driver, and learn how to do household tasks that they will be glad they know later. We cannot overprotect or make them weaker. We can teach them how to manage a small amount of money, and later how to get a part-time job and learn about being on time, the value of money earned, and dealing with the public.

How can we teach our children healthy relationship skills? We can model using them, by not being a hot reactor, talking through conflicts, and communicating effectively with them. I taught Active Parenting classes for parents for many years, and so admire parents who weren't sure how to be an effective parent, not wanting to repeat their own parents' mistakes, and dedicated the 12 hours it took to take the Active Parenting series with me. We can listen to our children. We can ask them how they see things. We can hold family meetings, where everyone gets the information on what's happening in our family, learns to express themselves and have a say, and solve problems or make fun plans together. We can learn to be an approachable parent, and not block communication between us and our child. We can demonstrate the importance of mutual respect in the family by our own behavior. We give them our respect, and we require it from them, as well.

As a parent, we don't have to be perfect, and our children don't expect that. We should, however, be able to apologize if we are wrong, and role model how to make repairs in a relationship. We need to spend positive time together with our child, teaching them things, doing activities together, and helping and encouraging their effort and growth in their schoolwork, sports, activities, courage, self-initiative, and leadership. I've seen too many parents over the years that were just critical, and didn't see the tremendous positive influence they could have on their child by encouraging the best in them.

Each child is different, and comes with their own strengths, challenges, and temperament.

Our challenge, if we choose to face it, is to figure out who you've been sent, what their natural strengths are, and help them by teaching them and equipping them for adult life in every way that you can. The more socially skilled, responsible, resilient, and motivated your child can become, the brighter their future can be. You'll leave this planet better because of the child you are leaving behind, and working yourself out of a job. That's success for a parent, and it feels wonderful.