When Your Adult Children Need Limits

Imagine if you had children and nurtured them, but they grew up to be adults and treated you badly on a consistent basis. What if your adult children used, abused, and dumped on you? Are they calling and telling you all their problems? Depending on you financially long after they should be independent? Still beating you up about their (long over) childhood? Now is the time to set some new, healthier boundaries and expectations.

You would end a friendship or love relationship with another adult who consistently treated you badly. We can have blind spots with our adult children where we allow mistreatment and emotional abuse we wouldn't accept from anyone else. Some adult children necessitate you taking back your own personal power, and stepping away from enabling their bad or weak behavior.You don't want to be codependent with your adult child's emotional immaturity.

What if your adult child blames you for all their unhappiness? Certainly I believe in apologizing for any mistakes you made, but enough is enough at some point. Some adult children get "stuck" in the blame or victim role and can't move along. Maybe they are well into adult years now, and have had more years on their own then you did raising them. You may have to set some limits about how far and long the blaming goes on. They might be enjoying the secondary gains of not moving on, rather than beginning to do the hard work of taking responsibility for building their own positive, productive life now.

Parents can be manipulated by their adult children, as they get their guilt buttons pushed. It is important to set your own limits about what you are and are not willing to do. You may be willing to help with finances for a limited amount of time. You may not want them to move in with you and become a child again in an open-ended way. It may be better to help them with a specific cost, such as educational expenses, or help with their own rent for a specific amount of time that has an ending. You may be happy to speak by phone or spend time together, but have a  prepared exit strategy if a pleasant interaction turns abusive or toxic. You may not be willing to stay with them if it is upsetting each time. Shorter visits may be preferable.

You may have to give your adult child some space if they are misusing you. Call less often. Meet up at a neutral location, such as a restaurant for a meal. Prepare a broken record response if they begin to verbally attack you, such as, "I understand that you are unhappy with how your life is going, but this isn't going to help." You may be willing to help your adult child in a time-limited fashion, if they are taking demonstrable steps to help themselves. You may want to reframe by asking them what they think they can do to create a positive change in their life. You could also redirect the conversation to something else. You could not be immediately available at all times. Give less: time, attention, financial support.

Explain that it puts you in an awkward position if they repeatedly call you to bash their partner. It may be healthier to redirect them to talk directly to their partner, and not triangulate you in the middle, or see a therapist. This is changing your own dance steps. You are not a dumping ground or a doormat. Realize that to be someone else's doormat, you do have to lie down (be passive and allow it).

You have certain rights as a person, too. When you had children, you didn't give up your need for personal dignity or respect. You have a right to move closer emotionally to people who treat you well and are supportive. Put more distance between yourself and people, including your adult children, who mistreat you. You have a right to peace, and not being anybody's emotional punching bag. Some adult children have elevated and unrealistic expectations about you always being at their service. You are a part of the problem if you enable their bad or weak behavior. Your own health will suffer if you don't set boundaries.

Having children can be an incredible blessing. As your children become adults themselves, it is essential to shift gears in the parent-child relationship. You love them, but you also have firm and clear limits about what you will and won't do, and what behaviors you cannot accept or encourage. Being respectful of others and requiring respect back from others is something that only you can do.

It's a healthy response to develop the backbone to not be an enabler. This is reworking your part of the parent-child dance, doing your best to help your adult son or daughter stop blaming, and start addressing the issues in their own life. This takes strength, but it's really the most loving and helpful thing you can do for your adult child: loving them, but stepping away from the drama, setting firm limits, and not feeding the problem. Maybe you're still parenting, but shifting to an appropriate stance for your adult child's situation, and encouraging their strength, health, and emotional growth.

I do coach families in my counseling office or remotely by phone or skype on this issue. If I can be of help, feel free to email me at christynnelson@gmail.com, or take a look at my coaching and counseling services at christynnelson.com. I often find that a couple of coaching sessions can make a big difference in getting you to play your part differently in the family.

Don't Do Their Laundry:Tips on Raising Great Teens

It happens in my counseling office all the time. Just this week, I discovered several more parents of teenagers that are doing their teen’s laundry, even in the countdown months before college. Today, I have a few tips on not overprotecting the teen you love and contributing to a sense of helplessness, entitlement, and believing that others should be in their service. Just say no.

In recent years, college administrators throughout the U.S. are noticing a huge increase in the number of freshmen students who are poorly prepared for the emotional independence and self-reliance of living away from their parents. Many students struggle with the independent living skills of not only doing their own laundry, but also managing their own sleep schedule, waking themselves up for class, setting and maintaining a study schedule, managing their own food and exercise patterns in a healthy way, and dealing with budgeting and spending money wisely.

Here's a useful shift for loving (but overly involved) parents of high school students. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to identify and teach your teen as many independent living skills as possible. Many teens have no interest in learning as long as you are doing it for them, so turn over the task to them completely after you train them. If you turn a task over to them, and then sometimes do it for them, you are a part of the problem!

Basically, try never to do things "for" a child or teen that they are capable of doing themselves. Work yourself out of a job. High self-esteem in children and teens is related to feeling capable. Teens in particular are caught in-between independence and dependence. You job is to help them develop confidence in themselves, not just through compliments, but through realizing they can figure things out and develop a sense of mastery.

Since we will each live part of our adult lives alone (at the beginning, middle, or end of our lives, or in some combination, depending on what happens), I want all teen girls and guys to learn some basic life skills. Here are a few ideas to get you thinking about what your teen needs to know how to do before launching to college. It's also where you need to reassign, train, and back off:

Before leaving for college, your teen should be able to:

1.      Do their own laundry.

2.      Make several basic breakfast, lunch and dinner items.

3.      Pump gas and maintain their own car. How to check tire pressure, call AAA (girls, too!)

4.      Call or email to make own appointments (doctor, dentist, orthodontist, career counselor, hair stylist, etc.).

5.      Pick up and clean own bedroom and bathroom.

6.      Wake up on time or deal with the consequences (at school, for example- without you rescuing).

7.      Have the experience of earning some money of their own. It's not easy, but teaches them about the value of money in a way no lecture from parents can.

8.      Manage the use of a debit card responsibly for budgeted expenses.

9.      Ask for what they need.

10.  Solve problems. You might try asking them what they think more about daily problems that come up at home, how they think a situation could be best handled, etc.

11.  In increasing amounts over the course of high school, have more freedom to plan their own schedule if they are being responsible, reasonable, and keeping you accurately updated.

12.  How to handle emergency situations, at home, in the car, and if away from home (earthquakes, CPR, procedures for fires, etc.)

13.  Create their own food and exercise plan. Get help if needed. A one-time consult with a dietician who can help your teen directly with building a plan for exercise and easy strategies to maintain fitness at college could be extremely valuable, and much more valuable than you lecturing. Sometimes teens just can't hear it from a parent, because they are busy trying to individuate from us.

14.  Scheduling their own homework/study times.

15.  Ask your teen to help identify what else they feel they need in terms of independent living skills. They may have other fears that can be addressed so they feel more confident when launching to college.

Of course, if your teen is dealing with anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues, or has learning disabilities or health problems, you need to pay closer attention. Always give out these increased responsibilities gradually and build skills along the way. We want to nurture our teenage sons and daughters’ sense of mastery and instill confidence. As a parent, sometimes the most loving thing you can do for your teen is to expect them to do more for themselves, and work yourself out of a job. I'd call that successful launching, and starting early is a really terrific idea.

In closing, as a gentle reminder to parents of high school students, summer is an excellent time to begin "Project Independent Living Skills." You can start with the lesson on laundry!