What Happened to Courtship?

In his recent article in the Sunday, January 13, 2013 edition of the New York Times, Alex Williams reflects on “The End of Courtship.” I've been noticing changes for the past several years in what used to be called dating in my counseling practice in Newport Beach, California. Young women in their college years and 20s particularly report dating changes, but so do people in their 30s and above.

Some of the changes have been facilitated by technology. With text messages, many people slide into lazy habits of not making definite plans, or avoiding rejection by not calling and inviting the other person for a specific date/time/place/activity. Text messaging to “see what the other person is doing,” and/or inviting them via text message to  meet up and “hang out” with you and your friends at the last minute is very common. It may be convenient, but it just doesn't make you feel special. As Williams reports, many young women report that invitations for dates have been reduced to the level of a last-minute text message Friday night reading “Hey,” or “sup.” What's a girl supposed to do with that? Hopefully, nothing.

Text messages can make it difficult to discern the tone or nuances. It takes very little effort. It often doesn't feel very personal, like a phone call can be. As people get more enmeshed in habitual texting, it can seem “safer” than real, live conversations where you have to respond right away, and can't take your time to wordsmith a response.

Hanging out and hooking up randomly are common with many college-age adults, with alcohol-induced random romantic pairings that mean nothing. I find this sad, and always urge the young adults I work to set their own standards, no matter what everybody else may be doing. Sex is not a sport, and making physical intimacy mean nothing is a huge mistake.

Online dating has changed the dating landscape as well. Some people get overwhelmed with the candy store mentality of choices, and are frantically dating multiple people at a time to the point of confusion, needing notes, and feeling stressed by it. It's similar to an online job application blitz, throwing lots of inquiry emails out there and seeing what sticks. In the age of Google-ing someone before the first meeting, the initial in-person conversation also changes when they already have gathered details about you from the dating or social networking sites.

Donna Frietas, who teaches Religion and Women's Studies at Boston University and Hofstra, has a soon to be released book I look forward to reading, entitled The End of Sex: How Hookup Culture is Leaving a Generation Unhappy, Sexually Unfulfilled, and Confused About Intimacy. The decline of courtship and shift to a hookup mentality is not progress as far as emotional intimacy, the art of getting to know someone over time, or one-to-one conversation is concerned. Most things that are valuable in life are not instant, and putting some effort and intentionality into dating is still attractive.

There are other societal shifts happening concurrently, including more longevity for most of us, and a prolonged “adultesence” into the mid-to late 20s with the age of first marriage happening later than in generations past. This could be changing the courtship dynamics, where no one wants to get too serious too soon.

Regardless, I still prefer that we all develop good social skills, call others rather than text whenever possible, and have the courage to risk rejection and create real intimacy. Women also need to know that they can ask for behaviors they prefer, and hold to their own personal standards. Texting may be useful for quick information, like the fact that you may be 5 minutes late, but it isn't a medium for developing a relationship. Online dating can be a good way to meet someone, but real relationships have to occur in real time. Email or texting are not good modes to work through relationship challenges. Some things will always be better in person or in conversation that isn't preplanned or cleverly crafted.

When Friendships End

Last Sunday, I read a great article in The New York Times called "Endship" by writer Alex Williams, about when friendships come to a point of change. Reading Alex's article got me reflecting about the importance of friends, and the differing lifespans that relationships have. Not all friendships can go the distance through the rest of your life, despite the fact that you were very close at one time. There is no protocol for ending or scaling back a friendship. How do we navigate these uncharted relationship waters?

The support, companionship, and feedback of close friends is so valuable. You can meet up and have some fun together, compare notes on how your lives are progressing, celebrate each other's happiness, and mourn each other's losses and disappointments. Research supports that friends can be good medicine. When I am working with people who are grieving, I always assess their support system, because being close to others will invariably be a great resource and help in the adjustments one makes after loss (divorce, death, breakups, moves, job loss, etc.)

It seems to me that some friendships are based more on common circumstances, such as working together, having children at the same time, or being neighbors. Some of these friendships go deep enough to sustain the connection after you are not in the original circumstances in which you became friends. Others can't. There are friendships where you can lose day to day contact, but no matter how long you go in between visits, you can pick up where you left off. These friends are keepers, like gems to be treasured. If you have even one or two of this type of friend, you are blessed.

Watershed moments in your life, or your friend's life, can be defining moments in friendships. People tell me they never forget friends that are understanding at particularly difficult stretches in their lives, such as the loss of a partner, parent, or child. Conversely, it's hard to feel as close to a longtime friend who can't summon up any compassion or tenderness when you are hurting, and can't move off center stage. (And now, more about me). Deep, authentic friends can listen and transcend self.

Sometimes your own life changes, and it may not work to take certain friends along with you. Couples have to think about how it may impact your husband or wife to keep up friendships with former partners, and agree on how you want to handle these boundaries. I call this closing the exits. It doen't mean that you didn't care deeply for a former partner, but realizing there were reasons you broke up with them and chose the partner you have. You can wish them well, and let go.

It is important to watch the balance in friendships over time. Look for patterns. Is spending time with your friend lifting you up, energizing, and nurturing? Do you and your friend bring out the best in each other? Are they consistently draining, or always whining but not taking any forward action? Do they inspire you to be better or get excited about your own life? Do you feel like the complaint department? Is there a balance, or is it one-sided?

It is a loss when a friendship ends. You may feel it coming on for years. There isn't really a protocol for ending a friendship. While the virtual world of Facebook has the cruel possibility of unfriending someone, real life doesn't work that way. Fading away gradually, being kind, but sharing less personal information and not initiating as much contact seems gentler. Acceptance of the differences in friendships is essential. Some friendships have a lifespan or a freshness date, while another type of friendship goes deeper than having common circumstances, and can go the distance the rest of your life. Both are valuable, and enrich, broaden, and soften our lives.

Do friendships sometimes need to end? Yes. Take your time. Reflect. Be kind. Honor even the friends who you shared part of your life with. Always be on the lookout for adding wonderful new potential friends to your life as well. The happiest people I know continue to make friends at every age, and stay open minded. Looking for friends who motivate, bring out the best in you, challenge, and support you is an activity you can continue all your life. Being a good friend who is loyal, caring, interested, and supportive is always a good place to start.