The Vulnerability Guru

Thinking about the concepts of emotional intimacy and vulnerability? Think Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston's Graduate College of Social Work who has been spending the last 12 years studying shame, fear, and vulnerability. Over 7 million viewers have watched her TED Talk on YouTube. She recently published a new book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.

Brown feels that shame is a common emotion among us, and that many feel shame in our current social climate, even if they are just leading an ordinary life. Fear and shame consume a great deal of emotional energy. They rob us of the ability to apply our gifts and use our strengths.

In her research over the past 12 years, Brown identified some people, who are termed “wholehearted,” who feel that they are enough. They relate to the world from a platform of feeling basic self-worth. These individuals are aware that they have the power to make choices every day, and they exercise that choice. They operate with compassion, for themselves and others. “Wholehearted” people are mindful of the balance between work, rest, and play in their lives. They respect the courage it takes to be vulnerable. They choose openness with others.

No intimacy can take place without vulnerability-- it is a necessary precursor. Vulnerability is honesty about our fears, our feelings, and what we need from the people we are closest to. Vulnerability is a kind of glue that makes relationships closer. Brown notes that being vulnerable enough to express our joy is a particular risk, because joy is often fleeting. Sometimes we are reluctant to share it, thinking that it will cause the other shoe to drop.

Brown considers it a great loss when people disengage in their closest relationships, as if not being “fully in” will protect them from getting hurt. Living in a wholehearted way requires staying engaged with the intimate other, and being able to discuss it if it feels either one of you has disengaged. It's as if we have to risk disappointment, hurt, and rejection in order to be fully known, and know others.

Shame can mess up being vulnerable with those closest to us. It can make us judge ourselves unworthy of love, and not give others a way to reach us. Being resilient to shame means understanding what triggers yours, being self-aware, and being able to sort it out aloud with someone you feel safe with.

Setting boundaries with work and other demands on us can also take courage. Our society is very productivity oriented, so protecting your time for creative work, self-care, or family time can be disrespected or not understood by others. It takes bravery to construct the limits and boundaries you need to find your own personal balance for your life.

Brown finds, generally speaking, that there are unique gender differences with regard to dealing with shame. Men tend to get angry with others or disengage when shamed. Women tend to take their anger out on themselves. Keeping shame a secret inside you can impact your physical health. Letting shame out to a therapist, or someone close to you, can take away the powerful secret the shame held over you. (For example, those who carry the shame of having been abused as a child.)

Sexuality can bring up vulnerability and shame issues. For men, there are societal pressures to be stoic, calm, strong, work-oriented, and in control. Men are often afraid to be perceived as weak. They can fear rejection and criticism from women around courtship, intimacy, and sexuality. Women, Brown notes, have opposite norms to overcome, as they are supposed to be thin, nice, pretty, and quiet. What if being vulnerable makes you go up against these norms and be you?

Brown also has an interesting take on pornography, which she terms “looking for connection in all the wrong places.” Men may think they will spend a few dollars and avoid the risk of rejection, shame, or criticism, but then the behavior triggers more shame. Sexuality and intimacy can also be complicated for women by body image shame issues. (So then we have two people who don't feel worthy enough to connect authentically!) We must realize that we are each worthy of love and connection.

Brown's new book, and her body of research, challenge us to live fully, authentically, and with vulnerability. We need to support each other in asking for we want, and risking rejection and disappointment in life to get to the good stuff. Now that's a recipe for a life well-lived.

The Woman in the Mirror

There are aspects of growing up a woman in our society or of raising healthy daughters that are extremely difficult. A particular challenge is helping yourself, or your daughter, to have high self-esteem and feel comfortable and at ease with your/her own body. There are so many expectations for women to be thin, beautiful, and eternally youthful; meet the needs of children, partner, and parents; work, maintain the home front, and be fun while doing it. Most women are at war with their physical self for most of their lives, with a constant negative soundtrack playing in their heads that they are not enough. We compare ourselves to other women, to women who are air-brushed, and to runway models with eating disorder behaviors.

This week, I really enjoyed reading psychologist Cynthia Bulik's new book, The Woman in the Mirror: How to Stop Confusing What You Look Like With Who You Are (Walker and Company, 2012). Bulik is a Distinguished Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine, a Professor of Nutrition at the UNC's School of Public Health, and the Director of the UNC Eating Disorders Program.

This is a book I would recommend to all women, and to parents of girls. If we are going to help the next generation of women navigate these destructive forces, we need to be educated about what we role-model, and what we say to our daughters. It's powerful. Men count here, too.

What I especially liked about this book was the easy, approachable style of writing. I also appreciated that the author took a life span view of women, from infancy to grade school, middle school, high school, college, marriage, working, menopause, and the issues of aging. At each stage, Bulik illuminates the unique body image pressures and self-esteem hits common to women. Middle school is a particular time of great challenge for most girls in both the body image and self-esteem areas. The transition years beginning and ending college can be vulnerable times for women, as can the period in which they are engaged and planning a wedding, and adjusting to their new body after each pregnancy. Adjusting to menopause can be a time of vulnerability for women, too.

It's also really tough in our society to age. Older men get defined as charming or distinguished, while older women can feel invisible, ignored, and unappreciated. There is increasing media and marketing pressure on women not to show age, and to use cosmetic surgery to help retain a youthful appearance long after they are not youthful. Remember when grandma could just be grandma? She didn't have to do yoga and Pilates and own a business. Mine had wrinkles, baked cinnamon rolls, and was beloved by all. I can't remember her begrudging the aging process.

Throughout the book, Bulik offers worksheets that you can download from her website to help you identify the negative thoughts that may be running overtime in your head about your body. She has a worksheet on tracking how often you hear other people comment about people's weight, etc. It's so common that we can be oblivious to the negative messages that besiege us as women, from others and the internalized ones we beat ourselves up with.

She also suggests we track the number of times we say "I'm sorry" as women. Stop being the emotional shock absorber at home and at work. Be careful about all that apologizing for things you had nothing to do with. Men really do not do this. We need to do a better job of speaking up, advocating for ourselves in relationships and at work, and being direct about what we like and want. We need to stop the war on our own confidence and self-esteem.

While we want to be healthy, active, and vital, it's a problem to confuse our body image with the broader construct of who we are, our self-image. They are different and distinct. I highly recommend this book to women, the men who love them, and parents of girls. It's time for us to all do better at not devaluing ourselves, other women, or our daughters by confusing the woman in the mirror for the real woman of substance inside each of us.

It's Not About The Food

Eating is such a symbolic act. For years, in working with teenaged girls in my counseling practice, I have observed what a big concern eating and body image are. Food, unlike other substances that people can avoid if they need to, has to be dealt with daily.In the Orange County Register this last month, I read a story about the skyrocketing obesity numbers for children and teens in Orange County, California, where I live and work. Clearly, there are some odd things going on with eating and food, and some of it isn't even about the food. It is about unexpressed emotion, boredom,family mealtimes becoming extinct, inactivity,exhaustion,emptiness and even spiritual needs.

Why do so many teen girls in our area overrestrict, binge,or misuse food? Why are so many adult women so at war with themselves over their weight and body image? Girls with eating disorders get skewed thinking about food, about control, and about their value. The social/media impact of a celebrity-focused culture and the picking apart of any imperfections doesn't make it any easier to grow up a girl here. How high do girls set standards for beauty and thinness when air-brushed magazine covers deliver fantasy that even those stars can't approach in person? Girls need a lot of support from parents to develop their skills, talents, and selves on other deeper levels. Most teens struggle with feeling that they have very little control. Let's help give our daughters positive ways to feel some leadership and control, rather than reducing their value to their weight.

As adults, we all have our own story with food. Many people have comfort foods.(What do you eat when you are upset?) Role-modeling healthy emotional patterns and not numbing emotional distress with eating is so important. This is one of those accountabilty areas where it really is what you do, not what you say. Teens will often tell me they are taking notice of their parents' food and exercise patterns.

As a family therapist, I am a big fan of family dinners, as often as you can. Light a candle, and have everyone share a high and low point of their day. You'll be surprised how much closer you will feel as a family. Little kids and teens, too, tell me they love this time to reconnect. I am realistic. I know it can't happen every night---not even in my family--- but do it as often as you can. Never use the dinner time to lecture, nag, grill, or berate the kids. Make it fun,light, and enjoyable, even if it's for 10-15 minutes. Try not to be the food police and monitor the amounts. As a family therapist, I am concerned about the connection between you and other family members. As children grow into teens, the connecting moments are fewer, so don't less these wonderful opportunities slip by.

I really enjoyed reading Geneen Roth's new book this week,'Women, Food, and God'. Geneen shares her own struggles with food, being overweight, losing the same pounds over and over, and coming to her own realization that it's not about the food. Facing our worst fears and dealing with what we really need emotionally and spiritually is the answer. Sometimes eating is the easiest or quickest response to a negative feeling, but it's not the best. Like most things in life, the easiest solution isn't the best one in this arena.

Weight is a complicated issue for lots of reasons. Some people lack accurate information on food choices, how to work with your metabolism, and plan meals that are convenient, fast and healthy. Some need better information on how many calories they can consume daily, how many calories they need to burn, or what a healthy weight range is for your body type. When this is the case, I often refer to my favorite dietician to work out a plan with my client.

Relationship issues also impact emotional eating. Your partner commenting on your weight or food choices makes some people mad. (Where are the brownies anyway?)
Parents and friends comments push girls to sneak eat or otherwise go underground on their use of food. Partners can sabotage healthier food or exercise patterns if they find the change threatening. Every relationship has a homeostatic set point, like the set point on your thermostat on your heating and air conditioning at home. Anything too far from the normal range gets your partner's attention.

Whether you are a permitter or restrictor with food, you want to be mindful of eating in a reverent way, with awareness and intention. Try not to work out feelings with food. Eat when you are not distracted or driving. Make food a social event when possible, remembering that the nutrition is only part of what you are needing. When grabbing for food, ask yourself if that is what you are REALLY needing. Many people eat late at night when they may need to go to sleep, or when feelings bubble up from the day.

Eating and connecting ourselves to others are potentially great rituals in our day. It's all about how you play it.And it's about so much more than food.