When we become parents ourselves, we are giving our children a platform for trusting others. Are we calm, reasonable, warm, available, and supportive? It means a great deal to have a parent who can be counted on. Children need parents who are predictable, present, involved, and providing meals, love, and attention. When parents are unpredictable, absent, hostile and volatile, it blows apart the empathic envelope of trust that parents should have around their growing children. For our children to trust us, we must be trustworthy as parents.
As a teen or an adult, it takes courage to let your guard down and be vulnerable with significant others ---to trust a few people to be there for you, to support you, and not to betray that trust. Some people have difficulty trusting others because they know that they can't be trustworthy themselves.
Trust is built over time, like depositing coins in a bank, or marbles in a jar. Every repeated experience where your trust is maintained, and the loved one is a person of their word, helps to keep that bank account balance up or that jar filled. If trust is broken, it is a much harder thing to rebuild later. Sometimes trust can't be rebuilt at all.
How is trust built or maintained at a high level?
1.
Being honest with others.
2.
Having difficult conversations when they need to
happen. For example, you might begin resenting the other person, or needing to
do something different, or wanting to change or upgrade the communication
and quality of relationship between you. Sharing what you are thinking may be
difficult, but keeps the other person in the loop and honors the relationship
between the two of you. It gives the other person the opportunity to grow. I
often see people in counseling who wish their former partner gave them a heads
up right away about problems, rather than storing them up until there was
nothing beautiful left.
3.
Be aware of the danger of side conversations. Talking
with an objective person, like a trained therapist, can very helpful in getting
clarity about what you are wanting, and how to best approach the other person. You
can trust that the therapist has no hidden agenda. You can get insight as to
how to change your own dance steps in any relationship so that you are
operating from your best self. Side conversations with friends, extended
family, etc. about an important relationship are potentially problematic, build
outside alliances, and dishonor the other person.
Teens, in particular, tell me they shut down when they share something personal with a parent, and the parent shares that sacred trust with others.
4.
Be impeccable with your word. Keep your promises. Doing
this also develops your own character and integrity.
5.
Ask for what you want. Be direct. Be brave. There are
no bonus points for passivity or silent suffering.
6.
Don't keep destructive secrets. These are secrets that
you know would hurt or damage the trust between you if the other person knew.
7.
Avoid passive aggressive behavior. If you are upset, hurt,
or angry, own up to it with your loved one.
I like to think of it this way: in order to establish the feeling of safety with another person, you must be able to trust them. To build feelings of intimacy, you have to feel safe. These are the building blocks of close and caring relationships, whether between partners, between parent and child, or close friends. Safety, trust, openness, intimacy, and vulnerability are best when they travel as a team. A relationship can only be as strong and as deep as your commitment to these hallmarks of conscious relationships, and the similar commitment of the other person you are in relationship with.
So there are two parts to trust: being a trustworthy person yourself, and choosing intimate others who are deserving of your trust, and can give you that gift in return.
