I've been thinking about this question and discussing it with my own family since I ran across excerpts from a new book this week titled The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Marriage, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much More (2013, published by William Morrow).
The author, Bruce Feiler, has some good ideas, and even backs them up with some recent research about families, children, and couples where he can. Here are some of his ideas that rang true with me as a family therapist:
1.
Happier families talk. They communicate with each
other.
2.
Happier couples, and families, celebrate each other's
accomplishments.
3.
Healthier families adapt to changes. Change happens.
You might as well embrace it!
4.
Happier families try. They put time and effort into
making family a top priority.
5.
Happier families do their best to eat dinner together
as often as possible. If not dinner, then breakfast, or a snack, or something
else is almost as good. Just do something! Feiler cites one cross-cultural
study showing the US ranking 23rd out of 25 countries when it comes to eating
meals together.
The article about Feiler’s book got me thinking about my own observations and reflections about other ways of helping create a happier life as a family:
1.
No family, just like no individual, can be happy all
the time. We need to be realistic about our expectations that families are made
up of individuals whose needs will differ at times. Conflicts will occur. Sibling
rivalry is normal. We need to be able to disagree respectfully, compromise at
times, and make repairs when needed.
2.
Mutual respect is key, between the adults, between the
children and adults, and between the children. We need to make room for
individual differences.
3.
Look for connecting points. Every week, we need to work
some into our busy schedules. These include hugging goodbye or hello, having
fun together in a shared activity, date nights, family game night, working on
projects together, bedtime rituals, shared meals, playing sports together, cooking
together, doing outdoor activities together, and making check-in points with
each other.
4.
Encourage each other. Most adults and children get far
more critical comments each day than positive ones. Happy families make a point
to express what they see in each other's behaviors that they like. This is
known as ‘catching your loved ones being good.’
5.
Happy families come in different shapes and sizes. Not
all happy families have two adults. There can still be a decision to be a happy
family even after the loss of parent by death or after divorce. I’ve seen it
happen. It’s a decision and a choice. Happy families focus on being resilient. In
fact, this makes you a good role model for your children, to be happy anyway, and
try to live the best life you can, despite challenges.
6.
Loyalty. Happier families have each other’s back, and
go direct with problems to the person they have the problem with, rather than
to someone else.
7.
Credibility. In happier families, people keep their
commitments. They do what they say they are going to do. The adults can be
counted on, both by each other, and by the children.
8.
There are clear rules, consistently enforced. There is
structure, but also some flexibility within that structure. The adults are the
architects of the family. The children are not in charge.
9.
Mix it up and have some high-energy fun together. It
might not be football, like the Kennedy clan, but doing some high-energy
activity together is bonding.
10. Everyone
takes out their own stress/trash. Every adult needs to learn how to deal with
their own stress and not bring it home to take it out on the family. Children
and teens need to be taught how to do the same. Just like we need to teach our
children to clean up after themselves, and not leave messes around the house
for others to clean up, think of stress in the same way. Do it yourself.
11. Make
it okay to ask for help.
12. Don't
be so child-focused that the adults ignore each other. It’s helpful for
children to realize that there are other needs in the family besides their own.
13. Apologize
when you are wrong. This makes it easier for your children to do the same.
14. Get
outside yourselves. Families are happier when they volunteer, or in some way
become aware of the needs of others. It puts things in perspective.
15. Warm
it up. Express affection with touch, hugs, a kiss, or a verbal or written “I
love you” as often as possible.
If these are some of the secrets of happy families, let’s share them! If your family life isn't happy, not much else matters.
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