Owning Your Own Power

I see people give away too much of their own personal power. While I'm not interested in power over other people, I see it as highly desirable to exercise your own power over yourself and your own life choices.

Mastery of our own power seems difficult for most people, but especially challenging for women. As women, we are socialized with the feminine archetype of the all-sacrificing, demure, other-centered mother who puts herself last. Most young women have trouble developing their own voice within relationships, advocating for what they need and want in an assertive way.

It always shocks me to be treating a bright, educated, talented young woman who allows herself to be verbally abused or otherwise mistreated in a love relationship. Many other young women are in relationships where they are so grateful to be loved and accepted that they pack away and sublimate their own desires, goals, and interests. It's as if young women believe we have to make a bargain, and give away part of ourselves to be in intimate relationships. You shouldn't have to do that, but first you need someone to remind you that you need to be yourself in close relationships, or it's not the right relationship for you.

How do you empower yourself?

1. You ask yourself what would you REALLY be doing or wanting if you were not afraid. Don't operate out of fear.

2. You keep working on your own personal goals, even when you are in a relationship. This might include career goals, more education, volunteer service, making and maintaining friendships, financial health, physical fitness, learning new things, developing your interests and passions, cultivating your spirituality, traveling, or learning a new skill. Remember, whatever happens in your relationship, you are with you, either way! Keep making you interesting, and keep growing.

3. Give up blame.

4. Take responsibility for yourself, your attitude, your mistakes, and your part in things.

5. Get some support. Most people feel more courageous when they are encouraged. Build your own supportive community. Find a therapist who can help you identify how to build yours. Consider deepening your existing support system by joining a support group, a meetup group, a women's or men's group, a book club, or a religious or spiritual group.

6. Give up playing 'victim'. Don't use victim language. Don't hope for a rescue, make some plans and set some goals. Act like you believe in yourself.

7. Learn to negotiate, and do it at work as well as in your close relationships. You may not be able to get what you want, but how do you know unless you try? Many partners and supervisors respect you more if you advocate respectfully on your own behalf.

8. Say hello to 'NO'. Boundaries have to be set and maintained with other people. Having limits gets you respected. Your yes means nothing if you aren't free to say no. Don't be a doormat. They get walked on.

9. Show some confidence. This isn't the same thing as arrogance. It isn't boastful or prideful. Humble confidence means you respect yourself.

10. Focus less on what other people think of you. People pleasing is overrated and exhausting.

11. Appreciate your unique qualities.

12. Work on accepting yourself, and speaking kindly to yourself on the inside. The power of our internal dialogue is huge. Become aware of what your inner voice is saying to you all day, and upgrade that criticism to encouraging, supportive self-talk.

13. Speak up. Say what you think, want, and feel. If you don't, you are going to be underrepresented in the relationship, and over time you may grow to resent the other person.

14. Don't sign up for any long-term relationship with a person who devalues you, demeans you, doesn't care what you want, or doesn't feel you are just as important as they are.

Recently, when I was participating in a large women's collective discussion, I noticed the dramatic difference between those we were fearful, and those who, in the words of writer and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown, were "daring greatly". Only you can decide to be you, undiluted by life's events and disappointments, and striving for a bigger life. Only you can play you at full strength. Don't settle for anything less.

Feel The Fear: Do It Anyway

At times, my sessions with clients have a pattern. This past week, I saw several people who really need to be courageous and do something that both takes guts and is absolutely necessary for moving ahead. I thought about Susan Jeffers' classic book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, and how at times we have to summon the courage to face fear and push past it towards a better relationship, career, life, and version of ourselves.

Many of us live in a world that is too small. One concept of Jeffers' that I love is that we all live in a box. Fear exists outside of your comfort zone-- your box. To grow, we need to move to the next larger box. If you are living without any experience of fear at all, it may be because you are not growing. Fear isn't necessarily a bad thing.

While some risks are foolish, there are other risks which honor our true self, and help us become more developed. How can we know what our potential is, if we live in a world that's so small that we never experience any fear?

Fear is sometimes to be noticed, but not given the power to cripple you. Everyone is afraid of something. The bottom level fear for most people, as Jeffers identifies, is the fear that “I won't be able to handle it.” That “it” could be different for each of us: it might be dealing with illness, being alone, losing someone you love dearly, experiencing financial loss, or any number of other fears.

Developing your own life is important. Loss and changes happen. Preparing yourself for change and loss by developing a life with multiple facets and sources of satisfaction and growth helps. Jeffers created a whole life grid, a grid with different boxes which can represent areas of your life. Each box can symbolize one sector: work, family, physical health, spirituality, emotional health, finances, volunteer work, friendships, home, travel, creative life, etc.

In each box, you can set a goal and a first step. This might look like, in your physical health area, setting a goal to become more toned and flexible. Your step could be checking out the Pilates studio closest to your home or office about an introductory lesson. In each box of your grid, you can choose a step and a goal. Then pick about 3 boxes to start with, so you don't feel overwhelmed.

The more you invest in different aspects of your life and more developed you become, the better! It acts as an insurance policy of sorts, so that all of your energy is not invested in one box--for example, work. Life is uncertain, so building a broad foundation with multiple sources of satisfaction and strengths puts you in your strongest position.

A few months ago, I participated in a seminar where each person was asked to share what they would do this year if they were not afraid. The responses and positive energy were powerful. You might ask yourself this same question and see what comes to mind. If you need a gentle push towards setting some goals, reading Susan Jeffers' delightful classic Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway might be just the ticket.

Growing new edges, taking smart risks, and trying new things are all important for our personal growth. Notice fear, but don't let it stop you from becoming a better version of yourself.

Getting Unstuck From Fear

This week, fear seems to be the theme. Getting past fear has come up in several of my sessions with patients who are dealing with life changes. Overcoming fear was part of the conversation I had with a friend while walking together at the beach over the weekend. When it was the topic in a meditation group I participated in earlier this week, I knew I wanted to write some about facing and moving through fear. The intriguing question that kept reoccurring was, "What would you do or be, if you could get beyond your fears?"

What do writers and thinkers tell us about fear? Louise Hay, author of You Can Heal Your Life says it's important to remember that fear is a limitation we place on ourselves. She suggests we release the need for fear and replace it with reminders to ourselves that are positive and loving. We create safety within ourselves. Hay offers us this affirmation," I am a powerful human being! I love and honor myself. All is well and I am safe." (Repeat often!)

Zig Ziglar, the amazing motivational speaker and writer, offers about fear that we should let our faith be bigger than our fears.

Dr.Wayne Dyer, psychologist and writer, says on this topic, "You can transcend any fear and self-rejection that defines your life. Treasure your magnificence and live as beings of light and love."

My favorite book on the topic of letting go of fear is the very useable and readable, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. I have often recommended this book to people, because it really helps you understand how we can get immobilized in our fears, being so afraid of making a mistake. Jeffers helps us see that if you are gentler with yourself, you can often realize that any movement out of your own small box of life can be good. It can help you get into the next sized box of life. We each need growing edges in our life, or we get bored and stale.

Many successes are a series of choices and course corrections, so try to take the pressure off yourself to have a whole path to a big goal figured out in advance. If you take one small step, the next step may get clearer. Think of driving in a rainstorm, where you can only see so much of the road ahead of you at one time. Jeffers helps us to see that the bottom level fear that most of us have is not being able to handle "it," whatever "it" is that life throws at us.

Another classic I love on the topic of overcoming fear is Gerald Jampolsky, M.D.'s Love Is Letting Go of Fear. This book is elegant in its simplicity, with lovely drawings to illustrate its main points. Jampolsky, a psychiatrist and writer, believes there are only two places people operate from in relationships, and in life: love and fear. It's far better to choose love as your base of operations.

How can you get unstuck from your fears this week which are making your world too small, and your vision of yourself too limited? Try these tips:

1. Write down your own reflections about what you would do, be, or have, if it were not for your fears.
Share your thoughts with someone you trust. Set some baby steps. For example, if you have been thinking of going back to school, your baby step could be looking at the course offerings at the college nearest to your home or office. The baby step should be something that you can do with a small amount of effort within an hour or so.

2. Use the energy invested in the fear to break through it. Let it make you mad that we are all here for a limited time, and that you have not been taking on the task of leading a bigger, more meaningful life in the present.

3. Imagine how you feel when you accomplish one of your desired goals. Take in that proud, warm, alive feeling. Channel it into more baby steps forward. Do, evaluate, adjust, and repeat.

4. Be present in the now. Fear is past and future based. Take what constructive action you can take today towards one goal. Don't use your past guilt or hurt or your fear of the future keep you using those things as an excuse for making your life the best, most beneficial thing you can create.

5. Ask a therapist or someone else you trust for help in getting started. Often in working together collaboratively, we can nudge you ahead in a more efficient way, helping you build insight as to what is getting in your way. Smart people ask for help and don't try to do everything alone.


Fear? Just because it's normal, don't let it limit or harness to create, improve, grow, and be of service to others. Recognize it, and push past it. Your bigger, bolder, better life is waiting for you to step into it!

Couples Therapy: It's Not For Sissies

In the March 4th issue of the New York Times, writer Elizabeth Weil penned a terrific article about couples therapy, and why it is that most therapists will acknowledge that it's much tougher to do than supportive individual counseling. In individual counseling, you build a therapeutic alliance with one person; you can be warm, empathetic, and client-centered. In couples therapy, you must be stronger and more active as a therapist. Your patient is really the relationship between the two of them, and you have to have your wits about you and jump into the conflict. You have to be brave, and "pilot your helicopter in a hurricane," as master couples therapists Peter Pearson and Ellyn Bader from the Couples Institute in Palo Alto, California describe working with high-conflict couples.

Weil's article was inspired by a November/December 2011 issue cover story in a professional magazine written for therapists, Psychotherapy Networker, which was titled, "Who's Afraid of Couples Therapy?" In it, couples therapy experts confirm that seeing couples is qualitatively a different experience for therapists. It is higher in conflict, includes more anger and arguing, and both people are watching your every move to ensure that you don't let their partner "win." The truth is, couples counseling is a team sport, and we win or lose together.

Elizabeth Weil is also the author of an interesting new book I just finished, called No Cheating, No Dying: I Had a Good Marriage. Then I Tried to Make It Better" (Scribner, 2012). In the book, Weil bravely opens up the details of her marriage, including what they argue about, and where there are strengths as well as weaknesses. She reflects beautifully, and at times with humor and vulnerability as she and her husband embark on a year-long project of trying different types of couples therapy and marriage education classes and workshops. They learn about how their issues from their respective families of origin contribute to their current relationship challenges. They discover better ways to communicate. They identify ways to not hide behind their work, or their two small children. They learn to embrace the differences between them, including how her husband pushes the limits of creative gourmet cooking and liberally decorates their small San Francisco home with his dropping of his brown socks. She has her own eccentricities. We all do.

Many aspects of therapy are different with couples. You have to be on your toes with couples. Timing is essential. You can't sit and regroup, collecting your thoughts as a clinician if you need to step in. You can't be passive. They could argue like that at home without you. You can't let the couple interrupt, demean, or talk over each other. You can't be afraid to speak up, strongly and with conviction, when one or both of them are doing something destructive to the relationship. You can't just sit there and nod.

Doing strong couples therapy requires a therapist move out of a classic, nurturing role and shift to a bigger frame with more moving parts and things to consider. There often isn't a good person and a bad person. Timing and feedback is important as a couples therapist. You can't hold secrets for the couple. You have to care about each partner individually, but also believe in their ability to do better as they know more about how their own individual behavior contributes to their dance of intimacy. Couples are dynamic. They don't stay in a steady state-- they are always moving closer together or further apart.

The average couple waits 6 years being unhappy before seeking guidance, according to University of Miami researcher and psychology professor Brian Goss. Most couples I see tell me they wish they had come sooner. Why suffer? It feels wonderful to help couples learn to communicate with respect and kindness, re-energize their physical/intimate relationship, have more fun together, learn to fight fairly, and celebrate and understand their differences.

Last week, I got an e-mail from a husband a few hours after a particularly tough, but important couples therapy session, letting me know he felt they had really made key progress that day. I really care about and believe in both of them. Seeing couples is deeply satisfying work to do, even if it's not for sissies. Being a part of making a couples' relationship closer and more alive is extremely satisfying, even though there are sometimes firestorms to get through on the way.

Stay Calm and Carry On!

It's been said that our biggest fear, underlying all other fears,is that we won't be able to handle it(whatever it is).In life, it is incredibly important not to overreact,and instead,pause,breathe,and choose a response.Most things are not terminal. They might be disappointing,or frustrating,or scary, but reacting in panic is only going to complicate matters.

In love relationships,harsh set-ups and responses only push your partner away and make them more unlikely to open up and include you.If you want to solve lifes' problems together, staying calm and not freaking out helps encourage your parner to turn towards you.People who are in perpetual panic mode are exhausting to be close to.

On your own,staying calm and centered helps you to solve problems more effectively. It saves a whole lot of time and energy which could be wasted "awfulizing".Being dramatic takes a geat deal of emotional enegry that could be channeled into problem solving and adapting. It can help to remind yourself of other difficult situations you've gotten through,and identifying what you did that worked out well. What are your strengths? What internal and external resources do you have? Remind yourself that any life crisis will pass.

In parenting, being a harsh or emotional reactor makes it less likely your child or children will turn to you for support or input.They will think you are either a hothead or too fragile,and not be open when they are in trouble.If you wish to be someone they turn to,act accordingly!

At work,you can't afford to stress out. Co-workers will think less of you if any little thing sets you off. It will seve your career better to act AS IF you are calm and centered,even if you don't always feel it. Feeling follows action.Truth is,every day when we get up we face stressors of different kinds,including at work.That's why they call it WORK. Don't be surprised by it. Take mini-stress breaks throughout the day. Even walking outside and noticing the weather and the cloud formations helps to restore calm.

Whatever crisis or complications you may face this week,stay calm and carry on! You will take pride in developing more mastery over your reactions,and not letting your negative or fear-based feelings run the show.