Giving Ourselves Permission: Women Pursuing Dreams of their Own

I like to ask women of all ages in counseling about their hopes and dreams, and what they would really be doing if they could. Too many women are awaiting permission from someone else to go for really want to be doing, creating or experiencing.

Writer Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote Eat, Pray, Love speaks and writes about the importance of women giving themselves the opportunity to define their own life purpose, and considering  other paths than our mothers and grandmothers took.  Other women want to be brave enough to choose the same path their mother followed.

The messages that girls get while they are growing up often encourage women to defer, consider the needs of others, and accommodate. While awareness of the needs of others is valuable, women and girls need encouragement to develop their own dreams and their own voice in relationships and planning their lives.

Here are some of the situations where I want to have us all encourage the women in our lives:

To have life goals beyond being a parent or wife.

To decide to work it out to be a stay-at home-parent and raise our own children if we choose to.

To take time to develop our friendships with other women.

To end relationships that are abusive, demean or belittle us.

To start a business of our own.

To recreate our lives when children are grown if we choose to.

To create art.

To tackle issues, causes and problems we care about.

To do things that make us happy.

To spend time alone, in our own company.

To advocate and speak up on our own behalf.

To set our own goals.

To challenge ourselves.

To be brave.

To keep learning new things.

To ask for what you really want, at work and in your relationships.

To develop and utilize your talents and gifts.

It's important to encourage the girls and women in our lives to nurture their own dreams, and not just support the dreams of others. Being "nice" is overrated and doesn't really make you fulfilled. There are no prizes for suffering or being a martyr.

As women we deal with the way we were raised, and the feminine archetype of being selfless and all giving, which may set us up to be pleasers. It is essential to listen to that still small intuitive voice inside us which wants to express who we really are, outside of roles and other people's needs and expectations.

Perhaps now is a good time to be asking yourself what you could give yourself permission to do that would make you more fully alive and closer to your own true north. Maybe the permission you need is really your own.

Making Friends With Yourself

Nobody is born disliking themselves. Along the journey growing up, far too many people develop the habit of making themselves miserable by becoming their own best and constant critic. I recently read a new book by Anneli Rufus called "Unworthy: How to Stop Hating Yourself" (Penguin Books, 2014) which has valuable ideas for each of us, no matter the level of your self-esteem.

If your self-esteem is diminished, who stole it or what lowered it? Your parents may have projected their own self-esteem issues on you, but you have a choice about rejecting those old messages and not carrying them forward in your life with you. Picture yourself now looking in the window of your childhood home when you are about age 4. What do you see? What are you doing? Are you by yourself? Are you with family? What is the four year old you doing, seeing, hearing and feeling?

These early memories may connect you with your authentic self before your self-esteem took any hits. If there was abuse or anger in the home, it may remind you of how you began to be at war within yourself. Either way, you can choose to return to your birthright--- being at ease with yourself and others and authentically your unique self.  I remember that line on a decorative sign I saw recently: Be yourself, as everyone else is already taken.

Rufus explains the unhealthy habits that people with a sense of unworthiness and low self-esteem develop. Here are the things we should stop doing in order to heal past wounds in this area and start
nurturing our own esteem:

1. Telling lies.

2. Apologizing too much, including for things that we had nothing to do with and weren't responsible for.

3. Indecisiveness, or difficulty making choices.

4. Ruining our own fun, by worrying even when something wonderful is happening.

5. Acting. Many people feel they have to "fake it" in social situations or in relationships rather than being authentically yourself.

6. Being stuck in the past.

7. Deflecting praise.

8. Being perfectionistic with ourselves.

9. Difficulty saying "no".

10. Hating our bodies.

We can stop these habits or reflexes that entrench us in lower self-esteem by reversing each behavior. Be honest. Stop apologizing for errors that you didn't make. Savor joyful moments. Be you. Be gentle with yourself. Stay in the present, knowing we have all made mistakes in our past. Accept compliments graciously with a warm smile and a hearty "thank you". Say 'no' and set boundaries. Let joy sink in. Appreciate your body and be gentle with it by treating it well. Speak up and express what you want and what you prefer.

Realize that everyone has weaknesses and strengths. So do you. You can decide not to spend any more time on self-loathing talk. Making peace with yourself and becoming your own best friend is all about realizing that you've usually done the best that you can at a certain time in your life. All any of us can really change is what is happening now. Cultivate your strengths and your quirkiness. Set your intension to be as kind to yourself as you would to a dear friend or family member you love.

Self-loathing, Rufus writes, is at the core a kind of prejudice against yourself. Most of us wouldn't judge anyone else as harshly. Think of all the wonderful things you could do on the planet without wasting energy on harsh self-talk and low self-esteem. It may be time to update your internal hard drive if it's critical and harsh. Choosing to shift from being your toughest critic to becoming your own best friend is an important first step. I  recommend burning your membership card to the low self-esteem club, and Anneli Rufus's book is a great way to start.

The Power of No

I notice that it's sometimes hard to say "no." Women often feel they need to please others, and take on too much. Many parents do so much for their children that they forget to take care of themselves, their own finances, etc. Even in a good relationship, you need to be able to be your authentic self and  set a limit with a "no" at times. Children need to be supported in having a voice to say no sometimes.

Being able to say "no" makes your "yes" more meaningful.

It takes courage and bravery to know your own worth, and say no to mistreatment, verbal, physical, or emotional abuse.

Being able to choose no means you also consider your own needs.

Saying no at times allows you take back your own power over yourself, your schedule, your life, your relationship, or your finances.

Being able to say no may make other people respect you more.

It is healthy to say no to people who use or disrespect you. Think of it this way: it's your job to teach the people in your most important relationships how you want to be treated.

Good parents help children learn that they can have a voice to say no in some situations. We need to empower children to say no to bullying, and that their bodies belong to them.

It's a good idea to say no to people who are trying to deplete all your energy, or drain you financially or emotionally.

You can say no to other people's unrealistic expectations. I often try to remind my patients that people are allowed to ask you for anything. It's your job to say yes or no.

Women are often socialized to follow the feminine archetype of being selfless, always loving and giving. Sometimes we need to be supported in not giving until we bleed dry. We can take on too much for other people. We need to do self-care, and balance our concern for others with a healthy concern for replenishing ourselves and our energy.

You can say no to repeating old or unhealthy patterns.

Committed couples need to be able to say no to violating the sacred boundaries that protect your relationship. I like to see people be mature enough in a relationship to say no to choices that make it unsafe for your partner to stay with you. You can't be intimate with anyone you don't feel safe with. A partner who can't say no is dangerous to the other person.

As it turns out, being able to selectively say no is important: for our sense of self, to protect yourself and to be your own advocate in relationships.,

Don't Be a Doormat

I am often struck by how many women are pleasers or doormats. Pleasers are afraid of conflict, so they try to avoid it at all costs. Pleasers don't stand up for themselves, what they need or want, in order to keep the harmony. It often comes at a high price. Doormats lay down and allow people to walk on them. I don't recommend either.

As women, we are raised and socialized to reflect the feminine archetype: nurturing, kind, comforting, and compassionate. While all of these qualities are very valuable, I see women get hurt all the time in business and in personal relationships by not speaking up enough. It's almost like some of our greatest strengths can cause us great harm if they aren't balanced with assertiveness, honesty, self-respect, and the ability to say our own truth when we need to.

A respectful relationship with a partner requires that you BOTH respect and listen deeply to the other person's feelings, viewpoint and expressed needs. Keeping the peace and withholding your own needs can make you sad, depressed, angry, hurt, lonely, overeat, overuse alcohol, and hold resentment. It can grow to feel like you are in the wrong relationship. The relationship may be peaceful, but you might feel dead inside. I rarely run into either men or women who are glad they picked this route to happiness.

In your relationship with your child or children, you also need to be an active parent and not use a doormat style of parenting. You are not your child's friend. You are the parent. You need to be loving, but also have reasonable and consistent limits. You must be brave enough to speak up and take action, whether your child has a learning disability, a bad attitude, is sinking academically, not making developmental passages, or is possibly drinking or using drugs. Peace at all costs is a poor plan for parenting your child successfully and into launching towards adulthood.

The workplace is another area of your life where you need limits and boundaries as well as a good work ethic. You are not volunteering at work. You need to have your time respected. You need to not be codependent with being yelled at, taken advantage of, or mistreated in the workplace as well. You need to think of yourself as a professional, act for the job you ultimately want, and command respect.

How can you avoid becoming a pleaser or doormat?

1. Don't automatically say yes to everything you are asked to do by others.

2. Realize there is power in being able to say no. It makes your yes more meaningful.

3.Consider your own needs as well as those of others.

4. Remember that you are responsible for teaching other people how you want to be treated.

5. Have limits. There are some behaviors that you NEVER have to accept from other people, including: screaming, yelling, physical threats or violence, verbal abuse, swearing, bullying, intimidation, etc.

6. Don't dish out or accept disrespectful behavior. Mutual respect is the keystone of all healthy relationships.

7. Speak up.

8. Be direct.

9. Don't hang out and stay in relationships that dishonor you or in which you are being treated badly. Get professional counseling.

10.  Set your boundaries and enforce them consistently and calmly.

There is value to being a nurturer and caring deeply about others. For people who learned growing up to be pleasers, such as people who grew up in an alcoholic home, it's critically important to grow strong enough to balance your compassion for others with your concern for yourself. You matter, too.
Just because you want to be loved or cared for by others, it's not fair to you to make everyone else's needs or keeping the peace a higher value than your own self-respect. Don't be a doormat; you deserve better, but you need to act as if you do.

While we're at it, let's update the feminine archetype as well, to a woman who is loving and kind but not a martyr or self-sacrificial. The feminine ideal needs to be both gentle and strong, loving but also having limits.

Owning Your Own Power

I see people give away too much of their own personal power. While I'm not interested in power over other people, I see it as highly desirable to exercise your own power over yourself and your own life choices.

Mastery of our own power seems difficult for most people, but especially challenging for women. As women, we are socialized with the feminine archetype of the all-sacrificing, demure, other-centered mother who puts herself last. Most young women have trouble developing their own voice within relationships, advocating for what they need and want in an assertive way.

It always shocks me to be treating a bright, educated, talented young woman who allows herself to be verbally abused or otherwise mistreated in a love relationship. Many other young women are in relationships where they are so grateful to be loved and accepted that they pack away and sublimate their own desires, goals, and interests. It's as if young women believe we have to make a bargain, and give away part of ourselves to be in intimate relationships. You shouldn't have to do that, but first you need someone to remind you that you need to be yourself in close relationships, or it's not the right relationship for you.

How do you empower yourself?

1. You ask yourself what would you REALLY be doing or wanting if you were not afraid. Don't operate out of fear.

2. You keep working on your own personal goals, even when you are in a relationship. This might include career goals, more education, volunteer service, making and maintaining friendships, financial health, physical fitness, learning new things, developing your interests and passions, cultivating your spirituality, traveling, or learning a new skill. Remember, whatever happens in your relationship, you are with you, either way! Keep making you interesting, and keep growing.

3. Give up blame.

4. Take responsibility for yourself, your attitude, your mistakes, and your part in things.

5. Get some support. Most people feel more courageous when they are encouraged. Build your own supportive community. Find a therapist who can help you identify how to build yours. Consider deepening your existing support system by joining a support group, a meetup group, a women's or men's group, a book club, or a religious or spiritual group.

6. Give up playing 'victim'. Don't use victim language. Don't hope for a rescue, make some plans and set some goals. Act like you believe in yourself.

7. Learn to negotiate, and do it at work as well as in your close relationships. You may not be able to get what you want, but how do you know unless you try? Many partners and supervisors respect you more if you advocate respectfully on your own behalf.

8. Say hello to 'NO'. Boundaries have to be set and maintained with other people. Having limits gets you respected. Your yes means nothing if you aren't free to say no. Don't be a doormat. They get walked on.

9. Show some confidence. This isn't the same thing as arrogance. It isn't boastful or prideful. Humble confidence means you respect yourself.

10. Focus less on what other people think of you. People pleasing is overrated and exhausting.

11. Appreciate your unique qualities.

12. Work on accepting yourself, and speaking kindly to yourself on the inside. The power of our internal dialogue is huge. Become aware of what your inner voice is saying to you all day, and upgrade that criticism to encouraging, supportive self-talk.

13. Speak up. Say what you think, want, and feel. If you don't, you are going to be underrepresented in the relationship, and over time you may grow to resent the other person.

14. Don't sign up for any long-term relationship with a person who devalues you, demeans you, doesn't care what you want, or doesn't feel you are just as important as they are.

Recently, when I was participating in a large women's collective discussion, I noticed the dramatic difference between those we were fearful, and those who, in the words of writer and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown, were "daring greatly". Only you can decide to be you, undiluted by life's events and disappointments, and striving for a bigger life. Only you can play you at full strength. Don't settle for anything less.

Setting Your Intentions for 2013

We’re beginning a brand new year, and it seems like a good time to set intentions for what you want to work towards as your goals this year. I have set a couple, and shared them with someone close to me. I'm encouraging the individuals I counsel and coach to do the same.

If we don't set goals and readjust our life course from time to time, or add in a new personal challenge, we can get stale. One year can roll into the next without the conscious intention to chart our course.  It's taking personal leadership in your own life.

Intentions are different than resolutions. New Year's resolutions often involve giving up something, or losing weight. Some people make the same resolutions every year, and experience a burnout factor with making or keeping them.

Setting intentions has more to do with looking at your life more broadly, with its different facets, and identifying a couple of areas that could be developed. While common New Year's resolutions could be to drink less alcohol, exercise more, eat better, or save money, intentions could expand the focus to consider improving your career situation, personal relationships, emotional health, travel goals, relocating or changing your living situation, or other areas of your life.

While setting goals to increase your physical fitness, or your finances, many people don't consider setting some goals for emotional growth over the next year. Don't overlook this very important part of your life. Here are some ideas to get you thinking:

·         Becoming more patient

·         Expressing my feelings more openly to my partner

·         Taking more responsibility for managing my moods, depression, or anxiety

·         Asking for the support I want

·         Empathizing more with others, realizing my perspective is not the only right one

·         Doing more self-care

·         Being a better, calmer parent

·         Not taking out my anger on others, learning to do something constructive with my anger

·         Honoring my commitments, keeping promises

·         Being on time

·         Being honest and truthful, even when it's hard to do so

·         Expressing my affection, using loving touch

·         Overreacting less

·         Managing my own stress, not taking it out on others

·         Listening from the heart

·         Putting away electronics  to better connect with loved ones

·         Playing more

·         Making time to teach my children/grandchildren life skills

·         Having more fun with my partner

·         Being a better husband/wife/partner

·         Begin dating

·         Make more friends

·         Not doing destructive or secretive behavior that is bad for me and/or dishonors those I love

·         Transcend self more/volunteer for a cause I care about

·         Develop my spiritual beliefs

·         Learn how to resolve conflicts respectfully, fight fairly

·         Express my appreciation to others

·         Apologizing when I am wrong, making repairs

·         Saying "I love you" often

·         Spending time with the small children and seniors in my life

·         Making family dinners at home, with candles and conversation, as often as possible to stay connected

·         Decide not to email or text about personal things, some things are only for person-to person conversation

·         Stop yelling, bullying, threatening to leave

·         Invite a family member to go to counseling with me to make things better

·         Court my partner, not take them for granted

·         Go on a weekly date night (no children)

·         Make your home a sanctuary: quiet, peaceful, organized, and a place to recharge

·         Be more supportive of other family members

·         Ask for feedback about how you are doing in your closest relationships

·         Initiate affection with your partner, don't make men make all the effort

·         Set healthy boundaries

·         Go direct to speak with the person you are upset with

·         Create some downtime

·         Create positive surprises

Hopefully this list will inspire you to set an emotional health or relationship intentions of your own for 2013.

Pick a couple, and write down the steps of how you will work towards your goal. What support will you need to reach your goal? Who can you ask for ideas on what steps to take? For my clients, I am an accountability partner and we can follow up on their path to each goal, but you can pick an accountability partner in your life if you like. Having someone else know our goals and check in with us about our progress helps our intentions get traction.

You can also create a vision board on a piece of posterboard to keep your goals front and center all year. Put it at the front of your closet or where you get ready in the morning for your day. Create conscious awareness of your goals. Check in monthly to determine if you are making progress.

Have an emotionally healthy and relationally close 2013. Set your intention to grow a little!

Getting Our Daughters to Speak Up

I just got back from a wonderful psychotherapy conference in San Francisco. One of the keynote speakers was Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., a psychologist and the author of a number of very useful books, including The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Connection, and her newest book, Marriage Rules. Dr. Lerner is soft-spoken, very wise, and also extremely witty.

In her speech to a ballroom of therapists, Dr. Lerner retold a story that she had heard columnist Ellen Goodman share some years back. It had to do with a friend of Ellen's who had several daughters. The advice she always gave to her daughters was, "Speak up, speak up, speak up! The only person you are going to scare off is your future ex-husband!" The ballroom lit up with laughter after this story.

As a mother of daughters myself, and a relationship coach and therapist for many years, I couldn't help but think how wise and on-point that motherly advise was. It's difficult for women, and young women in particular, to demonstrate the courage that it takes to be themselves in close relationships. Women need encouragement to say what they truly think, want, and feel. This is especially true in intimate relationships, or on hot-button issues that you think may trigger your partner's anger.

In intimate relationships, the power balance will be off if we are underrepresented by ourselves. Girls and women often feel pressure to avoid conflict and please others. We need to help young women, and women of all ages understand that it is possible to integrate femininity and strength. You may be able to be calm and flexible about many things, but you cannot betray your core self or the values, beliefs, and interests that are authentically you.

It's easy to disagree when the stakes are low---like you prefer vanilla ice cream to chocolate. The stakes are considerably higher when you perceive a parent, a partner, a co-worker or boss to have a strongly opposing opinion about something big. It has to be okay for women to get angry, impassioned, or feel strongly about some core issues. It has to be okay to feel or think differently than the other person, and require a respectful dialogue about it.

Sometimes young women will try to be the perfect girlfriend or partner, and lose themselves in the exchange. It's a bad bargain, and will ultimately end in resentment and feeling misunderstood.

No matter how healthy and good a relationship is, no one will ever read your mind. It's our job to let others know what we like and don't like on the big things. And if it scares away your future ex-husband? Think about all the trouble you have saved yourself!

Your Own True North

At times, I see a theme in the life coaching and counseling work that I am doing, running across several individuals I am working with. In the past several weeks, I have been guiding different people in the similar theme of  not betraying themselves.

Often we consider not letting others down, but rarely do we consider not letting ourselves down. In relationships, at work, and in our lives in general, we need to be our best, most authentic self. You can feel the tension and resentment that builds up inside you if you are not being honest with yourself and the others who are important to you. Notice what your body feels when you are around different people. Are you at ease, or tense?

We need to say the truth about what we need and want. We need to be brave enough emotionally to stand up to people who want to belittle us, or for whom you need to act smaller than you are in order to fit into their perception of us. We need to not be codependent with those who would marginalize us, or beat us up emotionally with our past choices. We are allowed to change and grow, and expect that the people close to us give us the grace to do so.

Every person has a basic right to say how they want to be treated. Philosopher and writer Martin Buber wrote about the "I and Thou" relationship, where we treat the intimate other with respect, compassion, and tenderness. We also have a right to ask to have that respectful relationship reciprocated to us. That is how we should strive to treat not only our partner, but also our children, our parents, our co-workers and friends.

What happens if you betray yourself in a relationship, perhaps out of fear of losing that person? You are giving away some of your own personal power to them. You are letting your need for the relationship, or your insecurities from the past, or about this relationship, run the show. You shouldn't have to betray your true north, or your sense of being at peace with yourself, in order to maintain the homeostasis in any relationship. That's a bad deal, and over time, that bargain will eat away at your sense of self. Perhaps it will also eat away at your spirit like acid rain.

This is the only life we know for sure that you get. Treat it with reverence. Make sure that you are reflecting from time to time about whether you are being honest and appearing as yourself in each of the relationships in your life. Nobody needs to give you permission. You can give it to yourself.

It is never too late to reset your life course for your own true north. I admire people who decide in middle age or beyond to retrain for fulfilling work, or recognize they are tired of ignoring their own feelings, or getting stepped on by their family, partner, or friends. You must be your own best friend and advocate for your life being lived fully.

What direction do you need to steer in order to be more fully congruent and your authentic self in all the parts of your life? This week is a perfectly good week to take a step or two in the direction of your own true north. A baby step will work just fine, and will strengthen your ability and resolve to keep on going. Ask for the support of those closest to you.