The Vulnerability Guru

Thinking about the concepts of emotional intimacy and vulnerability? Think Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston's Graduate College of Social Work who has been spending the last 12 years studying shame, fear, and vulnerability. Over 7 million viewers have watched her TED Talk on YouTube. She recently published a new book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.

Brown feels that shame is a common emotion among us, and that many feel shame in our current social climate, even if they are just leading an ordinary life. Fear and shame consume a great deal of emotional energy. They rob us of the ability to apply our gifts and use our strengths.

In her research over the past 12 years, Brown identified some people, who are termed “wholehearted,” who feel that they are enough. They relate to the world from a platform of feeling basic self-worth. These individuals are aware that they have the power to make choices every day, and they exercise that choice. They operate with compassion, for themselves and others. “Wholehearted” people are mindful of the balance between work, rest, and play in their lives. They respect the courage it takes to be vulnerable. They choose openness with others.

No intimacy can take place without vulnerability-- it is a necessary precursor. Vulnerability is honesty about our fears, our feelings, and what we need from the people we are closest to. Vulnerability is a kind of glue that makes relationships closer. Brown notes that being vulnerable enough to express our joy is a particular risk, because joy is often fleeting. Sometimes we are reluctant to share it, thinking that it will cause the other shoe to drop.

Brown considers it a great loss when people disengage in their closest relationships, as if not being “fully in” will protect them from getting hurt. Living in a wholehearted way requires staying engaged with the intimate other, and being able to discuss it if it feels either one of you has disengaged. It's as if we have to risk disappointment, hurt, and rejection in order to be fully known, and know others.

Shame can mess up being vulnerable with those closest to us. It can make us judge ourselves unworthy of love, and not give others a way to reach us. Being resilient to shame means understanding what triggers yours, being self-aware, and being able to sort it out aloud with someone you feel safe with.

Setting boundaries with work and other demands on us can also take courage. Our society is very productivity oriented, so protecting your time for creative work, self-care, or family time can be disrespected or not understood by others. It takes bravery to construct the limits and boundaries you need to find your own personal balance for your life.

Brown finds, generally speaking, that there are unique gender differences with regard to dealing with shame. Men tend to get angry with others or disengage when shamed. Women tend to take their anger out on themselves. Keeping shame a secret inside you can impact your physical health. Letting shame out to a therapist, or someone close to you, can take away the powerful secret the shame held over you. (For example, those who carry the shame of having been abused as a child.)

Sexuality can bring up vulnerability and shame issues. For men, there are societal pressures to be stoic, calm, strong, work-oriented, and in control. Men are often afraid to be perceived as weak. They can fear rejection and criticism from women around courtship, intimacy, and sexuality. Women, Brown notes, have opposite norms to overcome, as they are supposed to be thin, nice, pretty, and quiet. What if being vulnerable makes you go up against these norms and be you?

Brown also has an interesting take on pornography, which she terms “looking for connection in all the wrong places.” Men may think they will spend a few dollars and avoid the risk of rejection, shame, or criticism, but then the behavior triggers more shame. Sexuality and intimacy can also be complicated for women by body image shame issues. (So then we have two people who don't feel worthy enough to connect authentically!) We must realize that we are each worthy of love and connection.

Brown's new book, and her body of research, challenge us to live fully, authentically, and with vulnerability. We need to support each other in asking for we want, and risking rejection and disappointment in life to get to the good stuff. Now that's a recipe for a life well-lived.

Feel The Fear: Do It Anyway

At times, my sessions with clients have a pattern. This past week, I saw several people who really need to be courageous and do something that both takes guts and is absolutely necessary for moving ahead. I thought about Susan Jeffers' classic book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, and how at times we have to summon the courage to face fear and push past it towards a better relationship, career, life, and version of ourselves.

Many of us live in a world that is too small. One concept of Jeffers' that I love is that we all live in a box. Fear exists outside of your comfort zone-- your box. To grow, we need to move to the next larger box. If you are living without any experience of fear at all, it may be because you are not growing. Fear isn't necessarily a bad thing.

While some risks are foolish, there are other risks which honor our true self, and help us become more developed. How can we know what our potential is, if we live in a world that's so small that we never experience any fear?

Fear is sometimes to be noticed, but not given the power to cripple you. Everyone is afraid of something. The bottom level fear for most people, as Jeffers identifies, is the fear that “I won't be able to handle it.” That “it” could be different for each of us: it might be dealing with illness, being alone, losing someone you love dearly, experiencing financial loss, or any number of other fears.

Developing your own life is important. Loss and changes happen. Preparing yourself for change and loss by developing a life with multiple facets and sources of satisfaction and growth helps. Jeffers created a whole life grid, a grid with different boxes which can represent areas of your life. Each box can symbolize one sector: work, family, physical health, spirituality, emotional health, finances, volunteer work, friendships, home, travel, creative life, etc.

In each box, you can set a goal and a first step. This might look like, in your physical health area, setting a goal to become more toned and flexible. Your step could be checking out the Pilates studio closest to your home or office about an introductory lesson. In each box of your grid, you can choose a step and a goal. Then pick about 3 boxes to start with, so you don't feel overwhelmed.

The more you invest in different aspects of your life and more developed you become, the better! It acts as an insurance policy of sorts, so that all of your energy is not invested in one box--for example, work. Life is uncertain, so building a broad foundation with multiple sources of satisfaction and strengths puts you in your strongest position.

A few months ago, I participated in a seminar where each person was asked to share what they would do this year if they were not afraid. The responses and positive energy were powerful. You might ask yourself this same question and see what comes to mind. If you need a gentle push towards setting some goals, reading Susan Jeffers' delightful classic Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway might be just the ticket.

Growing new edges, taking smart risks, and trying new things are all important for our personal growth. Notice fear, but don't let it stop you from becoming a better version of yourself.

Ruby Sparks: Why Perfect Wouldn't Work

I  saw a really interesting independent film this week called "Ruby Sparks." It's an engaging film,with several important messages to convey about the intricacy of relationships.

Calvin is a writer of a great American novel,as well as several important short stories when he is only 19. The story begins ten years later, as he is 29, and hasn't written anything recently. There is pressure to live up to his early success. He has broken up some time ago with his girlfriend of five years, who left him right after his father died. He seems very alone and isolated.

In a therapy session, Calvin's long-time psychotherapist, played by Elliot Gould, is trying to help free Calvin from writer's block. He suggests a writing assignment where Calvin begins to create a character of a perfect girlfriend. Calvin begins to write her, and she startles his reality by actually coming to life and showing up at his house as if they are really dating.

Amusing things unfold when Calvin tries to determine if others can see her, if she's real, or it's his overactive imagination. It's particularly funny as Calvin's brother arrives to help figure out if she's real and test her, and as Calvin takes Ruby on a weekend trip to Big Sur to meet his eccentric mother (Annette Bening) and warm but odd artist stepfather (Antonio Banderas).

Calvin begins to realize that as he continues to write his book about Ruby that he is truly the author of her character, moods, and traits. He can switch them out by writing about it. He can make her more clingy and less independent. He can make her more joyful. He can make her speak fluent French. He can even write it into her character that she loves him forever, and never leaves him.

What results from this folly is a lovely little meditation on human relationships, true intimacy, control, autonomy, and risk. Perhaps we really wouldn't want to edit out a loved one's eccentricities. Maybe it makes them the unique, separate person that we love. If we controlled the script, it would never let us see the natural storyline that is supposed to evolve between us and the other person.

Finally, it may because there is uncertainty and fragility in close relationships that they mean even more to us. You could lose that other person at any time, and that makes the time together that much more precious. There is no forever guarantee. In the end, maybe it's the differences that keep things interesting, and the fact that no human being is ever completely known to another.