Teaming with your College Student for Successful Launching

During the past few years, I've been doing more counseling than ever with college-age students and/or their parents.  I've observed, both from my working with patients, and from my husband and I launching our three into college, grad school and adult life, that this launching phase has gotten harder than it was when parents did it years ago. The job market is increasingly competitive, and the cost of living is so high. For many college grads, there is some disappointment, sadness and loss after graduating and seeing how excruciatingly slow the job search process is.

What can parents do to help their college-age sons and daughters launch successfully? How do we help them grow stronger and prepare real life skills which will help them in the post-college transition?

 Here are some tips for mom and dad:

1. Help, but not too much. Have them do as much for themselves as you think they can do, more each year during college. Have them get their car serviced and maintained, make all their own appointments with professionals. Down shift your parenting.

2. Help them create a budget and clearly define what you are and are not paying for. It's a good idea to begin having them pay one small bill monthly as a way to get started on financial responsibility. Take them with you to a simple financial/budgeting workshop, which discusses not getting into debt. Dave Ramsey has some one-day workshops across the country that are inexpensive and will do the job.

3. Strongly encourage internships, beginning by junior year in college. Ideally, it will make your grad stand out to potential employers to have had several internships for their resume after graduation. At many colleges, no one will bring up this option to your student, so encourage your student to be their own advocate and go visit their academic department office and professors to ask about internship possibilities by spring of sophomore year. Internships help familiarize your son/daughter with the world of work.

4. After the initial first freshman semester adjustment, have your student work part-time a few hours a week. On-campus jobs often pay well and will work with their class schedule.

5. Whenever possible, let them fight their own battles without parents getting involved.

6. When they move back home during or after college, set clear expectations about what you need them to handle at home and how they can fit in the quieter household with mom and dad.

7. Consider having college grads who are living at home and working pay rent monthly so that can get accustomed to it. You can always surprise them with a gift of some or all of the money back when they move out.

8. Remind your student that if they are struggling with a lack of direction they can get career testing done on campus or privately. Most students benefit from getting a battery of career and skills testing done so that they can choose a major that makes sense and will lead to a job they will like.

9. Make your student aware that if they are struggling with adjusting to college, managing their time or studying, balancing building a new college social identity and finding friends, dealing with a romantic break up, anxiety, depression, or loneliness that even a few sessions of supportive counseling can really help. They can visit the college counseling center for a few sessions, or get some private counseling.

10. Let your adult son or daughter take the lead in contacting you. Don't helicopter parent.

11. When they are home, don't do their laundry, clean their room/bathroom, or prepare all their meals. Have groceries, offer some dinners when you are cooking, but don't enable regression into childhood.

12. Praise and encourage self-sufficiency and resourcefulness. If they come to you with problems, do reflective listening, and follow up by asking them what they think they should do to improve a situation they are concerned about.

Parents of college-age students must step in if you believe your student is failing classes, depressed, or anxious to make sure those important issues are addressed. Otherwise, prepare to shift your thinking about the parenting of your adult child when they are in college and preparing for launch. Be a part of the launch, not over-functioning in a way that interferes with their success. You may really enjoy the new adult to adult relationship that emerges. We're really liking it in my family.

A few thoughts on the college transition from my daughter Ally, age 20 and a college junior...

Being an adult to me is handling situations with more maturity and being able to balance your own activities independently. There is a common saying, "Grades, sleep and social life. Pick two." And that doesn't include outside obligations like work or internships! It's important to find the harmony in your schedule and to not get overwhelmed. Students need to work out the right amount of time for friends, family and themselves. As a parent, you can start helping your student schedule their time in high school so they are adjusted by the time they get to college.


As a college student, it is tough to balance being an adult and not yet being financially independent. You are old enough to take care of yourself but not yet equipped with the tools you need to do it. Being financially responsible is a big part of separating from your parents. Working a part-time job is great experience in working hard and staying humble. Minimum wage paying jobs in restaurants and retail helped me respect money and think carefully about where I spend it. Parents can be clear with students about what they are paying for so students know how to spend their money and decide if they need to work. Students often feel guilty taking money from their parents for tuition, rent and outside activities as they don't feel they are contributing enough. Making sure you save and spend responsibility can alleviate some stress and know that you have a lifetime left to repay your parents in other ways. 

Help Your Teen Make It a Successful Summer

The weather has been warming up here in Southern California, and spring break is upon us. Soon, the school year will be wrapping up. Now is the time for all good active parents to begin the discussion and joint planning with your teens and college students about what they will do over the coming summer. I am beginning these efforts with my own 17 year old, as well as with each of the teens and college students I counsel here in my office in Newport Beach.

I find teens are happier and feel better about themselves if they do something active or productive with their time over the summer months. By working a part-time job over the summer, your teen or young adult can learn valuable skills, get lessons on the importance of a good attitude and being of service to others while working with the public. One of our teens told me she REALLY understood the value of money after working a few months at a local sandwich shop. There are also lessons available from part-time jobs about taking initiative, teamwork, punctuality, and being pleasant to others despite your own moods.

The job market is competitive for part-time jobs, so now is the time to encourage your teen to get out there early and put their name in or apply. Sometimes, I have the parent assist by driving a younger teen to various job locations near your home, and have the parent wait in the car while they go in and ask about openings. Many teens are shy, or just have never done this before, so they may need you to teach them how to apply, practice interviewing, communicating an enthusiasm for the job, and learning to follow up and be positively persistent with job leads about going back and checking in a few days later, or when the hiring manager is expected in. Remember, they are new at this and may need some skills and encouragement.

When a teen or college student gets and keeps a job, it can boost their self-esteem and confidence. The world of work can be a whole different area of mastery in which they can be successful, develop people skills, and meet friends. Colleges love to see part-time jobs on students’ applications. It shows responsibility, maturity, and the ability to make and keep commitments to others (as opposed to mostly playing World of Warcraft or sleeping all summer). Many teens I see won't think of doing a job search at all, or early enough to really have a good chance of getting one, so parents need to usually be involved and teach these skills.

Internships and volunteer experiences over the summer would also be a valuable use of summer time for college students or teens. In most areas, there is a non-profit agency that coordinates volunteer positions throughout the area, including hospitals, animal shelters, and programs for disadvantaged youth like the Boys and Girls Club, etc. In Orange County, California, where I live and am in private practice, it is called One OC (714-953-5757). You can Google the one in your area. You can also brainstorm with your teen or college student over spring break about what kind of volunteering or internship might interest them, get started together identifying who could use their help this summer, and following up. Have the young person make the calls as well, maybe with you nearby if needed.

If volunteering, part-time work, or an internship won't work, then have your student consider registering for a summer college class at your local community college. Now is the time to scope out what is available, and find out about registration dates. If you wait until school is out, it may be too late to register. Many college students are so busy with their current course load that they really give no thought to summer until the day they drive home after finals. This is why they need you to help them think ahead. Maybe your student can knock out a particularly difficult math class over the summer, and make the next academic year lighter and less overwhelming. Maybe they can graduate a little sooner and take out one less student loan!

Good, involved parents unite! Consider this your friendly public service announcement to strike while the iron is hot. Now is the time to help your teen or college student make at a great summer, build their self-confidence, and take another big stride toward launching into adulthood.