What Makes Families Happier?

How do we build happier families?


I've been thinking about this question and discussing it with my own family since I ran across excerpts from a new book this week titled The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Marriage, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much More (2013, published by William Morrow).


The author, Bruce Feiler, has some good ideas, and even backs them up with some recent research about families, children, and couples where he can. Here are some of his ideas that rang true with me as a family therapist:

1.      Happier families talk. They communicate with each other.

 

2.      Happier couples, and families, celebrate each other's accomplishments.

 

3.      Healthier families adapt to changes. Change happens. You might as well embrace it!

4.      Happier families try. They put time and effort into making family a top priority.

5.      Happier families do their best to eat dinner together as often as possible. If not dinner, then breakfast, or a snack, or something else is almost as good. Just do something! Feiler cites one cross-cultural study showing the US ranking 23rd out of 25 countries when it comes to eating meals together.

The article about Feiler’s book got me thinking about my own observations and reflections about other ways of helping create a happier life as a family:

1.      No family, just like no individual, can be happy all the time. We need to be realistic about our expectations that families are made up of individuals whose needs will differ at times. Conflicts will occur. Sibling rivalry is normal. We need to be able to disagree respectfully, compromise at times, and make repairs when needed.

 

2.      Mutual respect is key, between the adults, between the children and adults, and between the children. We need to make room for individual differences.

3.      Look for connecting points. Every week, we need to work some into our busy schedules. These include hugging goodbye or hello, having fun together in a shared activity, date nights, family game night, working on projects together, bedtime rituals, shared meals, playing sports together, cooking together, doing outdoor activities together, and making check-in points with each other.

4.      Encourage each other. Most adults and children get far more critical comments each day than positive ones. Happy families make a point to express what they see in each other's behaviors that they like. This is known as ‘catching your loved ones being good.’

5.      Happy families come in different shapes and sizes. Not all happy families have two adults. There can still be a decision to be a happy family even after the loss of parent by death or after divorce. I’ve seen it happen. It’s a decision and a choice. Happy families focus on being resilient. In fact, this makes you a good role model for your children, to be happy anyway, and try to live the best life you can, despite challenges.

6.      Loyalty. Happier families have each other’s back, and go direct with problems to the person they have the problem with, rather than to someone else.

7.      Credibility. In happier families, people keep their commitments. They do what they say they are going to do. The adults can be counted on, both by each other, and by the children.

8.      There are clear rules, consistently enforced. There is structure, but also some flexibility within that structure. The adults are the architects of the family. The children are not in charge.

9.      Mix it up and have some high-energy fun together. It might not be football, like the Kennedy clan, but doing some high-energy activity together is bonding.

10.  Everyone takes out their own stress/trash. Every adult needs to learn how to deal with their own stress and not bring it home to take it out on the family. Children and teens need to be taught how to do the same. Just like we need to teach our children to clean up after themselves, and not leave messes around the house for others to clean up, think of stress in the same way. Do it yourself.

11.  Make it okay to ask for help.

12.  Don't be so child-focused that the adults ignore each other. It’s helpful for children to realize that there are other needs in the family besides their own.

13.  Apologize when you are wrong. This makes it easier for your children to do the same.

14.  Get outside yourselves. Families are happier when they volunteer, or in some way become aware of the needs of others. It puts things in perspective.

 

15.  Warm it up. Express affection with touch, hugs, a kiss, or a verbal or written “I love you” as often as possible.

If these are some of the secrets of happy families, let’s share them! If your family life isn't happy, not much else matters.

The Vulnerability Guru

Thinking about the concepts of emotional intimacy and vulnerability? Think Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston's Graduate College of Social Work who has been spending the last 12 years studying shame, fear, and vulnerability. Over 7 million viewers have watched her TED Talk on YouTube. She recently published a new book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.

Brown feels that shame is a common emotion among us, and that many feel shame in our current social climate, even if they are just leading an ordinary life. Fear and shame consume a great deal of emotional energy. They rob us of the ability to apply our gifts and use our strengths.

In her research over the past 12 years, Brown identified some people, who are termed “wholehearted,” who feel that they are enough. They relate to the world from a platform of feeling basic self-worth. These individuals are aware that they have the power to make choices every day, and they exercise that choice. They operate with compassion, for themselves and others. “Wholehearted” people are mindful of the balance between work, rest, and play in their lives. They respect the courage it takes to be vulnerable. They choose openness with others.

No intimacy can take place without vulnerability-- it is a necessary precursor. Vulnerability is honesty about our fears, our feelings, and what we need from the people we are closest to. Vulnerability is a kind of glue that makes relationships closer. Brown notes that being vulnerable enough to express our joy is a particular risk, because joy is often fleeting. Sometimes we are reluctant to share it, thinking that it will cause the other shoe to drop.

Brown considers it a great loss when people disengage in their closest relationships, as if not being “fully in” will protect them from getting hurt. Living in a wholehearted way requires staying engaged with the intimate other, and being able to discuss it if it feels either one of you has disengaged. It's as if we have to risk disappointment, hurt, and rejection in order to be fully known, and know others.

Shame can mess up being vulnerable with those closest to us. It can make us judge ourselves unworthy of love, and not give others a way to reach us. Being resilient to shame means understanding what triggers yours, being self-aware, and being able to sort it out aloud with someone you feel safe with.

Setting boundaries with work and other demands on us can also take courage. Our society is very productivity oriented, so protecting your time for creative work, self-care, or family time can be disrespected or not understood by others. It takes bravery to construct the limits and boundaries you need to find your own personal balance for your life.

Brown finds, generally speaking, that there are unique gender differences with regard to dealing with shame. Men tend to get angry with others or disengage when shamed. Women tend to take their anger out on themselves. Keeping shame a secret inside you can impact your physical health. Letting shame out to a therapist, or someone close to you, can take away the powerful secret the shame held over you. (For example, those who carry the shame of having been abused as a child.)

Sexuality can bring up vulnerability and shame issues. For men, there are societal pressures to be stoic, calm, strong, work-oriented, and in control. Men are often afraid to be perceived as weak. They can fear rejection and criticism from women around courtship, intimacy, and sexuality. Women, Brown notes, have opposite norms to overcome, as they are supposed to be thin, nice, pretty, and quiet. What if being vulnerable makes you go up against these norms and be you?

Brown also has an interesting take on pornography, which she terms “looking for connection in all the wrong places.” Men may think they will spend a few dollars and avoid the risk of rejection, shame, or criticism, but then the behavior triggers more shame. Sexuality and intimacy can also be complicated for women by body image shame issues. (So then we have two people who don't feel worthy enough to connect authentically!) We must realize that we are each worthy of love and connection.

Brown's new book, and her body of research, challenge us to live fully, authentically, and with vulnerability. We need to support each other in asking for we want, and risking rejection and disappointment in life to get to the good stuff. Now that's a recipe for a life well-lived.

Feel The Fear: Do It Anyway

At times, my sessions with clients have a pattern. This past week, I saw several people who really need to be courageous and do something that both takes guts and is absolutely necessary for moving ahead. I thought about Susan Jeffers' classic book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, and how at times we have to summon the courage to face fear and push past it towards a better relationship, career, life, and version of ourselves.

Many of us live in a world that is too small. One concept of Jeffers' that I love is that we all live in a box. Fear exists outside of your comfort zone-- your box. To grow, we need to move to the next larger box. If you are living without any experience of fear at all, it may be because you are not growing. Fear isn't necessarily a bad thing.

While some risks are foolish, there are other risks which honor our true self, and help us become more developed. How can we know what our potential is, if we live in a world that's so small that we never experience any fear?

Fear is sometimes to be noticed, but not given the power to cripple you. Everyone is afraid of something. The bottom level fear for most people, as Jeffers identifies, is the fear that “I won't be able to handle it.” That “it” could be different for each of us: it might be dealing with illness, being alone, losing someone you love dearly, experiencing financial loss, or any number of other fears.

Developing your own life is important. Loss and changes happen. Preparing yourself for change and loss by developing a life with multiple facets and sources of satisfaction and growth helps. Jeffers created a whole life grid, a grid with different boxes which can represent areas of your life. Each box can symbolize one sector: work, family, physical health, spirituality, emotional health, finances, volunteer work, friendships, home, travel, creative life, etc.

In each box, you can set a goal and a first step. This might look like, in your physical health area, setting a goal to become more toned and flexible. Your step could be checking out the Pilates studio closest to your home or office about an introductory lesson. In each box of your grid, you can choose a step and a goal. Then pick about 3 boxes to start with, so you don't feel overwhelmed.

The more you invest in different aspects of your life and more developed you become, the better! It acts as an insurance policy of sorts, so that all of your energy is not invested in one box--for example, work. Life is uncertain, so building a broad foundation with multiple sources of satisfaction and strengths puts you in your strongest position.

A few months ago, I participated in a seminar where each person was asked to share what they would do this year if they were not afraid. The responses and positive energy were powerful. You might ask yourself this same question and see what comes to mind. If you need a gentle push towards setting some goals, reading Susan Jeffers' delightful classic Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway might be just the ticket.

Growing new edges, taking smart risks, and trying new things are all important for our personal growth. Notice fear, but don't let it stop you from becoming a better version of yourself.

Couples: Watch out For The 4 Horsemen

Reseachers John and Julie Gottman, couples researchers and founders of the Gottman Institute in Seattle,Washington, have studied couples for decades. John Gottman runs the "Love Lab" at Seattle University, where he and his researchers are able to observe and collect data about how couples communicate, argue, do repairs, and express affection to each other. They are able to track biological feedback about each individual while they are interacting with their partner.

Gottman's research gives us some valuable information about what unhappy and happy couples do differently.

Four traits predict break-ups, and Gottman named them the four horsemen of failed relationships.They are:

1. Criticism: attacking your partner's personality

2. Contempt: putting your partner down

3. Defensiveness: not being able to take in your partner's concern, but attacking them instead

4. Stonewalling: shutting down and shutting your partner out, rather than discussing concerns

Couples who do these behaviors, in certain combinations, are more likely to head towards divorce or a break-up. All couples do these behaviors at times, but developing your skills for listening to your partner, not just reacting and getting defensive, can really turn things around.

A good couples therapist can teach you how to fight fairly, stay respectful of each other, listen more fully, and frame requests appropriately so you can be successful. For example, I ask couples not to frame concerns with "you always" or "you never." Those starting points trigger a cascade of negatives from your partner, and don't help you find win-win solutions. Being a couple takes teamwork.

What about some good news? Happier couples tend to be more positive in their interactions, with a ratio of 20 to 1 positive to negative comments in normal interactions, and 5 to 1 when arguing. Try to increase the positive, encouraging, and supportive comments you make to your partner. Point out what you like about what they do. Researcher Terri Orbuch with the Early Years of Marriage Project at the University of Michigan found something similar, that 67% of happy couples report that their partner often makes them feel good about themselves, while only 27% of unhappy couples reported the same.

Doing pleasureable activities together helps couples enjoy each other more. The most common cause of divorce is "growing apart," not infidelity or domestic abuse. Working on the soft side of your relationship, including positive conversations, mutual encouragement, shared pleasureable time together, expressing appreciation specifically, and staying connected physically are the real glue in a happy marriage.

What Happened to Courtship?

In his recent article in the Sunday, January 13, 2013 edition of the New York Times, Alex Williams reflects on “The End of Courtship.” I've been noticing changes for the past several years in what used to be called dating in my counseling practice in Newport Beach, California. Young women in their college years and 20s particularly report dating changes, but so do people in their 30s and above.

Some of the changes have been facilitated by technology. With text messages, many people slide into lazy habits of not making definite plans, or avoiding rejection by not calling and inviting the other person for a specific date/time/place/activity. Text messaging to “see what the other person is doing,” and/or inviting them via text message to  meet up and “hang out” with you and your friends at the last minute is very common. It may be convenient, but it just doesn't make you feel special. As Williams reports, many young women report that invitations for dates have been reduced to the level of a last-minute text message Friday night reading “Hey,” or “sup.” What's a girl supposed to do with that? Hopefully, nothing.

Text messages can make it difficult to discern the tone or nuances. It takes very little effort. It often doesn't feel very personal, like a phone call can be. As people get more enmeshed in habitual texting, it can seem “safer” than real, live conversations where you have to respond right away, and can't take your time to wordsmith a response.

Hanging out and hooking up randomly are common with many college-age adults, with alcohol-induced random romantic pairings that mean nothing. I find this sad, and always urge the young adults I work to set their own standards, no matter what everybody else may be doing. Sex is not a sport, and making physical intimacy mean nothing is a huge mistake.

Online dating has changed the dating landscape as well. Some people get overwhelmed with the candy store mentality of choices, and are frantically dating multiple people at a time to the point of confusion, needing notes, and feeling stressed by it. It's similar to an online job application blitz, throwing lots of inquiry emails out there and seeing what sticks. In the age of Google-ing someone before the first meeting, the initial in-person conversation also changes when they already have gathered details about you from the dating or social networking sites.

Donna Frietas, who teaches Religion and Women's Studies at Boston University and Hofstra, has a soon to be released book I look forward to reading, entitled The End of Sex: How Hookup Culture is Leaving a Generation Unhappy, Sexually Unfulfilled, and Confused About Intimacy. The decline of courtship and shift to a hookup mentality is not progress as far as emotional intimacy, the art of getting to know someone over time, or one-to-one conversation is concerned. Most things that are valuable in life are not instant, and putting some effort and intentionality into dating is still attractive.

There are other societal shifts happening concurrently, including more longevity for most of us, and a prolonged “adultesence” into the mid-to late 20s with the age of first marriage happening later than in generations past. This could be changing the courtship dynamics, where no one wants to get too serious too soon.

Regardless, I still prefer that we all develop good social skills, call others rather than text whenever possible, and have the courage to risk rejection and create real intimacy. Women also need to know that they can ask for behaviors they prefer, and hold to their own personal standards. Texting may be useful for quick information, like the fact that you may be 5 minutes late, but it isn't a medium for developing a relationship. Online dating can be a good way to meet someone, but real relationships have to occur in real time. Email or texting are not good modes to work through relationship challenges. Some things will always be better in person or in conversation that isn't preplanned or cleverly crafted.

The Eight Habits of Love

We all have our daily habits: what we eat for breakfast or lunch, the route we drive to work, what programs we watch on television, and a thousand other little repeated patterns. What if we cultivated emotional and spiritual habits that made our lives warmer, bigger, and more transcendent?

In Ed Bacon's new book, The Eight Habits of Love: Open Your Heart, Open Your Mind (Hachette Book Group, 2012) he gives illumination and insight about how we can grow these emotional habits in our day to day lives. Ed Bacon serves as rector at All Saints Episcopal Church in Pasadena, California, and is known for his radically inclusive views about building interfaith community between Christians, Jews, Muslims, and atheists. Ed has received awards his peace and interfaith work in Southern California.

What are the 8 habits of love?

1.      The habit of generosity: Overcoming fear to live daily with the spiritual practice of an open and generous heart. This means knowing that love flows through you, generously, to others. This includes not only giving money to less fortunate people, but also time, emotional and spiritual support, and encouragement. You can make a practice of lifting others up. Giving time and attention to others only enhances your own life.

2.      The habit of stillness: Learn to quiet your body and your mind. This quiet space within us is where we plan, get inspiration, strategize, dream, and self-nurture. There are many roads to this inner stillness. Look for yours. You might start with 10 minutes a day.

3.      The habit of truth: This involves developing the courage to go against what is expected of you by others at times. Choosing your truth, rather than self-deception or the deception of others, takes daily practice. Telling the truth is both frightening and refreshing. Bacon says, “Truth leads us to a more honest and vital life.”

4.      The habit of candor: Using both tenderness and tact, candor helps us have difficult and important conversations with those we care about. We don't avoid in fear; we move towards the other person in love and candor. The habit of candor is one of the hardest habits to practice, because it involves risk. Candor is not a power grab. I notice the healing, transcendent power of honest, candid, heart-centered conversations in my counseling office on a regular basis. Couples often do not say the things they need to be saying to each other. When those difficult conversations begin in a safe way, transformation can begin between two people.

5.      The habit of play: Bacon reminds us that play and laughter change our brain chemistry. Play activates our imagination, creativity, and joy. Spending time with a child always helps me remember how vital play is. It relaxes and refreshes us. Play and lightness renew us, and are the perfect foil for dealing with life's challenges. Bacon suggests when you have made an error, acknowledge it with humor, poking fun at yourself. Invite play into your work, the things you do at home, your time with your partner, your family, and your friends.

6.      The habit of forgiveness: When you can, forgiving someone who has wronged you releases a powerful, loving energy. When we hold onto wrongs, we hold tension, anger, resentment, and hurt. You don't even have to reconnect with the person that hurt you in order to forgive. Forgiveness brings self-healing and self-empowerment. In his book, Bacon tells a heart-warming story about Nelson Mandela establishing the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa after the end of apartheid. Those who acknowledged guilt to those they harmed weren't punished. Forgiveness, and moving past blame, moves individuals, families, and communities forward towards healing.

7.      The habit of compassion: Most religions are founded on it. The challenge is in trying to stretch the edges of your compassion to all living beings. Try not to dehumanize any group of people. In categorizing others, Bacon suggests, we cut ourselves off from the foundation of our own humanity. If you did not receive compassion growing up in your family, you may need to look outside the family to experience the compassion for yourself and others that is your birthright.

8.      The habit of community: It's not good for us to get too isolated. A shift in our awareness can help us realize that we need each other. Connecting with the people whose lives intersect with ours is practicing building community. Look for your community. Developing a sense of belonging in community is good for our mental and physical health. Whether you apply community by interacting kindly with counter staff or others you see at the gym, at work, or next door, or look for a group of like-minded people in the larger community, it makes a difference, both for you and for others. Respecting differences within the community is essential.

The Eight Habits of Love is a thoughtfully written reflection on ways to begin moving forward in your life in an open-hearted way. We will make mistakes, but stretching ourselves to live with a more generous spirit, playfulness, bravery, honesty, compassion, forgiveness, and community will help us to make our lives well-lived. Now that's success.

Your Social Circle: How Big is Too Big?

Here's a fun question in the age of social networking, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram: how many meaningful relationships with people can the average person have? The answer: about 150. This number was derived from the research of British psychologist and researcher, Robin Dunbar. This research has been coined “the Dunbar number.” This week's issue of Bloomberg Businessweek magazine (Jan.14-21, 2013) has a nice, concise write-up about Dunbar's studies, and how they apply to most of us, written by Drake Bennett.

Dunbar grew up in Tanzania, and has an academic career in England, where he teaches at Oxford. He began his research career studying the behavior of monkeys. He found that primates’ behavior changed based on the size of their social group. The larger the size of their social group, the more they seemed to exhibit behaviors to be seen favorably by other members of the group.

Dunbar went on to study brain size and look at the advantages and complications of animals that evolved into having larger brains. The complications of large social groups include competition for resources, like food, as well as the data that must be processed about the relative hierarchies and relationships with all the others in the social group. Dunbar’s research eventually led him to hypothesize that larger brains (and therefore higher intelligence) led to the development of larger social groups.

However, even the smartest primates have limits!  While there are individual variances for personality, and particularly extroversion/introversion, Dunbar theorizes that for most human beings, the limit of meaningful relationships a person can have is 147.8. In the Bloomberg story, Dunbar deftly describes that number as “the number of people you would not feel embarrassed about joining uninvited for a drink if you bumped into them at a bar.”

Dunbar networks with his colleagues in a wide variety of disciplines to focus on the social brain hypothesis, including linguists, computer scientists, physicists, classicists, economists, archeologists, anthropologists, and literary scholars. He's spoken at TED conferences, and written several books for non-academics, including The Science of Love (2012).

Dunbar has been invited to consult with a former Facebook executive, who left to co-found Path, a mobile photo-sharing and messaging service, which began in 2010. After consulting with Dunbar, Path founders decided to limit their site’s users to 150 friends. Basically, Dunbar suggests that we, as humans, have an upper limit in the number of meaningful social relationships we can have, and beyond that is something else— perhaps marketing, or acquaintances, but probably not meaningful relationships. Dunbar recognized this pattern of 150-person limits across the world—many companies, clans, and even military units are often capped at 150.

No matter how technology expands, human beings have a finite number of intimate and meaningful relationships. Digital technology doesn't change the fundamentals of our biology and neocortex. I found it interesting that Dunbar, although well-liked by colleagues across disciplines, considers himself on the shy side. He doesn't use Facebook or Path, and says he got a LinkedIn account only by mistake.

Dunbar's research actually suggests other numbers as well. Most people, he believes, have an innermost circle of 3 to 5 people. The next circle has 12 to 15, and their loss would be difficult for us.

I found it interesting that Dunbar believes most friendships can survive only 6 to 12 months without face-to face contact. His research suggests that women can have 2 best friends, including her romantic partner, while most men have only one.

Dunbar's research has critics, but I found the Bloomberg article by Drake Bennett great food for thought and discussion about social networking, genuine intimacy, and the gaps between the two. It’s fascinating that Facebook allows 5,000 friends. Or maybe that’s just acquaintances.