Feel The Fear: Do It Anyway

At times, my sessions with clients have a pattern. This past week, I saw several people who really need to be courageous and do something that both takes guts and is absolutely necessary for moving ahead. I thought about Susan Jeffers' classic book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, and how at times we have to summon the courage to face fear and push past it towards a better relationship, career, life, and version of ourselves.

Many of us live in a world that is too small. One concept of Jeffers' that I love is that we all live in a box. Fear exists outside of your comfort zone-- your box. To grow, we need to move to the next larger box. If you are living without any experience of fear at all, it may be because you are not growing. Fear isn't necessarily a bad thing.

While some risks are foolish, there are other risks which honor our true self, and help us become more developed. How can we know what our potential is, if we live in a world that's so small that we never experience any fear?

Fear is sometimes to be noticed, but not given the power to cripple you. Everyone is afraid of something. The bottom level fear for most people, as Jeffers identifies, is the fear that “I won't be able to handle it.” That “it” could be different for each of us: it might be dealing with illness, being alone, losing someone you love dearly, experiencing financial loss, or any number of other fears.

Developing your own life is important. Loss and changes happen. Preparing yourself for change and loss by developing a life with multiple facets and sources of satisfaction and growth helps. Jeffers created a whole life grid, a grid with different boxes which can represent areas of your life. Each box can symbolize one sector: work, family, physical health, spirituality, emotional health, finances, volunteer work, friendships, home, travel, creative life, etc.

In each box, you can set a goal and a first step. This might look like, in your physical health area, setting a goal to become more toned and flexible. Your step could be checking out the Pilates studio closest to your home or office about an introductory lesson. In each box of your grid, you can choose a step and a goal. Then pick about 3 boxes to start with, so you don't feel overwhelmed.

The more you invest in different aspects of your life and more developed you become, the better! It acts as an insurance policy of sorts, so that all of your energy is not invested in one box--for example, work. Life is uncertain, so building a broad foundation with multiple sources of satisfaction and strengths puts you in your strongest position.

A few months ago, I participated in a seminar where each person was asked to share what they would do this year if they were not afraid. The responses and positive energy were powerful. You might ask yourself this same question and see what comes to mind. If you need a gentle push towards setting some goals, reading Susan Jeffers' delightful classic Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway might be just the ticket.

Growing new edges, taking smart risks, and trying new things are all important for our personal growth. Notice fear, but don't let it stop you from becoming a better version of yourself.

Getting Unstuck From Fear

This week, fear seems to be the theme. Getting past fear has come up in several of my sessions with patients who are dealing with life changes. Overcoming fear was part of the conversation I had with a friend while walking together at the beach over the weekend. When it was the topic in a meditation group I participated in earlier this week, I knew I wanted to write some about facing and moving through fear. The intriguing question that kept reoccurring was, "What would you do or be, if you could get beyond your fears?"

What do writers and thinkers tell us about fear? Louise Hay, author of You Can Heal Your Life says it's important to remember that fear is a limitation we place on ourselves. She suggests we release the need for fear and replace it with reminders to ourselves that are positive and loving. We create safety within ourselves. Hay offers us this affirmation," I am a powerful human being! I love and honor myself. All is well and I am safe." (Repeat often!)

Zig Ziglar, the amazing motivational speaker and writer, offers about fear that we should let our faith be bigger than our fears.

Dr.Wayne Dyer, psychologist and writer, says on this topic, "You can transcend any fear and self-rejection that defines your life. Treasure your magnificence and live as beings of light and love."

My favorite book on the topic of letting go of fear is the very useable and readable, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. I have often recommended this book to people, because it really helps you understand how we can get immobilized in our fears, being so afraid of making a mistake. Jeffers helps us see that if you are gentler with yourself, you can often realize that any movement out of your own small box of life can be good. It can help you get into the next sized box of life. We each need growing edges in our life, or we get bored and stale.

Many successes are a series of choices and course corrections, so try to take the pressure off yourself to have a whole path to a big goal figured out in advance. If you take one small step, the next step may get clearer. Think of driving in a rainstorm, where you can only see so much of the road ahead of you at one time. Jeffers helps us to see that the bottom level fear that most of us have is not being able to handle "it," whatever "it" is that life throws at us.

Another classic I love on the topic of overcoming fear is Gerald Jampolsky, M.D.'s Love Is Letting Go of Fear. This book is elegant in its simplicity, with lovely drawings to illustrate its main points. Jampolsky, a psychiatrist and writer, believes there are only two places people operate from in relationships, and in life: love and fear. It's far better to choose love as your base of operations.

How can you get unstuck from your fears this week which are making your world too small, and your vision of yourself too limited? Try these tips:

1. Write down your own reflections about what you would do, be, or have, if it were not for your fears.
Share your thoughts with someone you trust. Set some baby steps. For example, if you have been thinking of going back to school, your baby step could be looking at the course offerings at the college nearest to your home or office. The baby step should be something that you can do with a small amount of effort within an hour or so.

2. Use the energy invested in the fear to break through it. Let it make you mad that we are all here for a limited time, and that you have not been taking on the task of leading a bigger, more meaningful life in the present.

3. Imagine how you feel when you accomplish one of your desired goals. Take in that proud, warm, alive feeling. Channel it into more baby steps forward. Do, evaluate, adjust, and repeat.

4. Be present in the now. Fear is past and future based. Take what constructive action you can take today towards one goal. Don't use your past guilt or hurt or your fear of the future keep you using those things as an excuse for making your life the best, most beneficial thing you can create.

5. Ask a therapist or someone else you trust for help in getting started. Often in working together collaboratively, we can nudge you ahead in a more efficient way, helping you build insight as to what is getting in your way. Smart people ask for help and don't try to do everything alone.


Fear? Just because it's normal, don't let it limit or harness to create, improve, grow, and be of service to others. Recognize it, and push past it. Your bigger, bolder, better life is waiting for you to step into it!

A Multi-Faceted Life

It's a mistake to have your life be too small.One tool that I often use with my coaching and counseling clients is what Susan Jeffers calls a "whole life grid". On it there are 12 to16 different squares,each of which can represent an area of your ideal life.

The squares in your life grid could include labels such as:

WORK

RELATIONSHIP WITH PARTNER

FRIENDS

SPIRITUAL LIFE

VOLUNTEER WORK/GIVING BACK

FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

INTEELLECTUAL GROWTH

PERSONAL GROWTH

PHYSICAL HEALTH

TRAVEL PLANS

RECREATION/HOBBIES/FUN

CONTINUED LEARNING

TIME ALONE

NATURE CONNECTION

IMPROVEMENTS IN MY LIVING SPACE

FINANCIAL HEALTH

These are sample ideas to get you thinking. Then,on one sheet of paper,you make the appropriate number of boxes and label them with these titles. In each box,you write,in pencil,a goal that you would like to achieve,and one small step you can plan to take towards that goal.For example,in your friend category,you may want to expand your friendship base. The small step could be inviting someone you know, or a friend you have lost touch with,to do an activity with you.Then keep updating the steps as you complete one,and set the next.

In this way,your life begins to be more multi-faceted,and continually evolving.It is not healthy or smart to have all your eggs in one basket,or all your energy in one life box,like your job,or a relationship. The happiest and most satisfied peoplke have a broader base of support and a wide range of options and interests.Have some fun making your own whole life grid,and beginning your next steps to a more interesting life.

Getting Unstuck

It is easy to get in a life rut. It is important to take a personal inventory from time to time,and determine if you want to mix things up a little bit, create some new patterns, or add some more fun into your life mix. If you are bored, you need to take some positive action to move towards being a happier and more interesting individual.

When the fall routines and schedules get going, the calender can look like school and work commitments as far out as you can see. Ho hum. We each live in a box, says writer/therapist Susan Jeffers,in her classic book, "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway".
Jeffers suggests that all of us need to consider moving out of the small box that is our comfort zone, and getting into the next, bigger-sized box.

How do we break out of our current comfort zone? There are lots of unique and personal answers to that. You might take on a personal challenge that requires you to grow or work hard towards a goal. For example, training for a race, or taking a class in something you were always curious about. At mid-life, it is helpful to consider experiences you haven't had, but always wanted to try. Have you ever wanted to learn to dance, or learn another language? You may want to set a plan to travel somewhere you have always been interested in. Making plans is important to mental health. Even if those plans are a year away, or you have to budget carefully to make those plans happen!

Sometimes mixing things up is fun. While I am a proponent of family structure and routines(mealtimes,homework time, bedtime), who says you can't surprise your spouse and meet them on Wednesday for lunch? Think outside the box! Children love to have fun and variety, too. I know several families who keep things fresh for the family by having a theme-night dinner once a week. My own children always liked our 'breakfast for dinner night'. Who says we can't we practice spelling words with shaving cream? Or sidewalk chalk? Or chocolate sauce!

Tackling a fear you have can also move you to your bigger box. Are you afraid of public speaking? One person I know feels so good about having joined Toastmasters this last year, and becoming more confident in communicating in groups. Perhaps this is the year you collapse your story that limits you, and take positive action to deal with a rut of depression, anxiety, addictive behavior. We are not getting any younger! You can even stop and imagine how free you might feel if you gave up your own limited view of what is possible for you. Your respect for yourself will surge.

Truly, the biggest limitations on any of us are the limits we put on ourselves. I am a big believer in the idea that within each of us is a more whole person yearning to be fully developed and expressed. If we cling to our ruts, out of habit or lack of awareness, we miss the wonderful possibilities that life has to offer us. Getting unstuck is an an inside job. Nobody can do it for you. When you are ready to get unstuck, or collapse the story you've been telling yourself about why you can't have a great life, talking with a professional therapist can be just the jumpstart and accountability that you need. Have a great week, and stretch to do something healthy, but out of your comfort zone.