New York Times Article: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

An essay by writer/philosopher Alain De Botton from last Sunday's New York Times has great relationship advice with a healthy amount of skepticism about finding one right partner, and a realistic view about learning how to become mature, flexible and negotiate differences gracefully. Read the article here!

36 Questions to Create Connection

Dr. Arthur Aron studies the science of intimacy and love at the Stony Brook University School of Medicine in New York. He's found out a lot of interesting data about how couples fall in love, deepen their connection, and stay satisfied in relationships.  He also studies interpersonal closeness as a cognitive overlap between self and other and how self expansion motivations relate to and can be used to alleviate the common decline in relationship satisfaction over time. He's a fellow of the American Psychological Society, and a main investigator on a major national science foundation research grant. He's an editor for several professional journals.

I was reminded of his work this week when I read the New York Times column on Sunday, January 11, 2015 by writer Mandy Lee Catron for their Modern Love column. Catron tells her own story of using some of Dr. Aron's findings on her own behalf to see if she and a university acquaintance from rock climbing could fall in love. Instead of a lab, they met at a bar and later on a bridge. She tried applying some of Aron's findings. If love is an intense desire to form and maintain a close relationship with another person, then some of the building blocks are kinds of communication that create intimacy, connectedness, commitment, loyalty, willingness to be with that other person and least central, but still part of it, are passion and intensity.

The New York Times writer and her acquaintance used the 36 questions that Aron developed to help build connection. They can be used for bringing you and your partner closer together. You can also adapt them to use in other close relationships. It should take only about 45 minutes. Here are the questions, which should be done in this prescribed order, alternating between the two people:

1.Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4.What would constitute a perfect day for you?

5.When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to age 90 and retain either the mind or the body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things that you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel the most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about how you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are living now? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five times each.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

25. Make three true "we" statements each. For example, "we are both in this room feeling..."

26. Complete this sentence "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."

27. If you were ever to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them:be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone that you've just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of someone else/by yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32.What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

34.Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find the most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it? Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem.

Here are a couple variations:

If you could chose the sex and physical appearance of your soon-to be-born child, would you do it?

Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares for a year if you would be rewarded with extraordinary wealth?

While on a trip to another city, your spouse/partner spends a night with an exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and could never otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to learn about it?

These questions remind me of some of the things I try to develop between couples I see in couples counseling: openness, vulnerability, self-disclosure, expressiveness of emotion, being generous with specific compliments, listening, joining, sharing hopes and dreams, and communicating about fears, values and needs. Have some fun with engaging with your partner if you want to deepen your connection.

And what happened to the New York Times columnist Mandy Lee Catron who embarked on these questions with her friend from rock climbing? They fell in love. Dr. Aron would be so happy, but not surprised.

Are the Kids Too Busy?

In the Sunday, October 13, 2013, "This Life" column of the New York Times, there was a great article written by Bruce Feiler called, "Monitoring the Giggle Index," which brought up some interesting things for parents to consider. How busy is good for children, and when is it too busy? Several children and teens I see in counseling are feeling stressed about just how many after school activities are on their plates.

Feiler reviews the literature on this topic, including "The Over-Scheduled Child," "The Pressured Child," and "Pressured Parents, Stressed-Out Kids." He points out that in recent years there have been responses that perhaps the concept of stressed out and over-scheduled kids is either overstated or a myth. While there are lots of good things about keeping children and teens busy and channeled, I always like parents to check in with the kids from time to time about how it's going.

It could be that playing 2 sports or taking 8 dance classes a week worked last year, but maybe it's not working so well this year. When school pressure accelerates, there have been changes at home like a divorce, an activity that was positive becomes a negative, or a child or teen is anxious or depressed, it's probably time to revisit and discuss with them what the right mix would be now.

Feiler points out that, at times, it can be hard to find that fine line with enough activities so your child can develop skills and outside interests that boost self-confidence, and when it's overkill. When parents are driven and successful, they can project onto their children. Parents might be anxious themselves, or  overly well-intentioned about helping the kids get into college or play a professional sport.

Most children and teens need a balance with both enrichment activities and down time. Many introverted kids and teens have told me they need some quiet time after extroverting all day with people at school. It's good to be able to dialogue with your child about what they are enjoying, and what the right mix is.

One Jungian psychologist interviewed for the column, Polly Young-Eisendrath, who wrote "The Self-Esteem Trap," feels that some parents in our generation are too wrapped up in every detail of their children's lives. Young-Eisendrath feels that parents can be obsessive, and that time to just hang out in the same room together is also important. Down time, both individually and together as a family, with cell phones and electronics off, is very important.

What can we do to avoid mistakes with making the kids too busy? Pay attention to make sure the activity is motivated from your child's interest, and not yours. Is your child or teen happy or giggly when you drop them off or pick them up from activities? Do them seem exhausted and burned out? We also need to be careful about the words we choose as parents, and the impact they have on our children. Encourage teamwork, or participating in the play, rather than getting the key role or
 maximum playing time. In the real adult life that we are preparing our children for, you don't always play quarterback or get the starring role.

The Luxury of Disconnecting

Last week, I met up with a friend who had lost her cell phone by leaving it in a cab while out of town recently. While it was frustrating, she found the few days without a phone actually also very relaxing. It's a little luxury we can each afford, to make private time either with loved ones or friends, or by yourself, truly uninterrupted.

It turns out that setting up sanctuary time zones that are free of cellphones, email access, and social media  is trending. In today's edition of the New York Times, Caroline Tell has an interesting article titled "Step Away From the Phone" that describes how many people are setting some technology limits. AOL reported this past week on the concept of "Serenity Saturdays" with suggestions for limiting technology use that day and a suggested playlist of relaxing music to download and destress yourself.

In Tell's New York Times article, she shares that many families are using a special place in the kitchen, like a fishbowl or bowl, to deposit all cell phones during dinner time. Anybody who checks their phone can be given an extra task as a consequence, such as doing the dishes. This activity teaches everyone---adults and children---- to protect family time by becoming fully present and undistracted.

When friends or families are out for dinner or drinks, they can play "stack 'em up," where each person in the group adds their cell phone to the stack of them on the table. Anyone who peeks at theirs has to pay the check!

It's great role-modeling for parents to turn off or put away their phones when there are opportunities to play with the children, engage in family activities, or be present with each other.

You might consider a time at which you turn your phone off or put it away for the evening, as well as the computer and iPad. Add the television to the early turn off program, and you just might sleep better, interact more with those you live with, and feel more relaxed. Just because you can be available 24/7 doesn't mean you should be.

Tell also notes an increase in social invitations that are being issued with the directive NOT to bring your cell phone, or Instagram photos from the event, with signs reinforcing the policy at the door when you arrive.

Apparently, as cell phone use has reached an all-time high, it's now becoming more cool to be unavailable at times. Multi-tasking all day and evening takes a subtle toll on us. It's time to give ourselves a delicious luxury that is ours for the taking: being off-duty, and having private time to restore and recharge.

What Happened to Courtship?

In his recent article in the Sunday, January 13, 2013 edition of the New York Times, Alex Williams reflects on “The End of Courtship.” I've been noticing changes for the past several years in what used to be called dating in my counseling practice in Newport Beach, California. Young women in their college years and 20s particularly report dating changes, but so do people in their 30s and above.

Some of the changes have been facilitated by technology. With text messages, many people slide into lazy habits of not making definite plans, or avoiding rejection by not calling and inviting the other person for a specific date/time/place/activity. Text messaging to “see what the other person is doing,” and/or inviting them via text message to  meet up and “hang out” with you and your friends at the last minute is very common. It may be convenient, but it just doesn't make you feel special. As Williams reports, many young women report that invitations for dates have been reduced to the level of a last-minute text message Friday night reading “Hey,” or “sup.” What's a girl supposed to do with that? Hopefully, nothing.

Text messages can make it difficult to discern the tone or nuances. It takes very little effort. It often doesn't feel very personal, like a phone call can be. As people get more enmeshed in habitual texting, it can seem “safer” than real, live conversations where you have to respond right away, and can't take your time to wordsmith a response.

Hanging out and hooking up randomly are common with many college-age adults, with alcohol-induced random romantic pairings that mean nothing. I find this sad, and always urge the young adults I work to set their own standards, no matter what everybody else may be doing. Sex is not a sport, and making physical intimacy mean nothing is a huge mistake.

Online dating has changed the dating landscape as well. Some people get overwhelmed with the candy store mentality of choices, and are frantically dating multiple people at a time to the point of confusion, needing notes, and feeling stressed by it. It's similar to an online job application blitz, throwing lots of inquiry emails out there and seeing what sticks. In the age of Google-ing someone before the first meeting, the initial in-person conversation also changes when they already have gathered details about you from the dating or social networking sites.

Donna Frietas, who teaches Religion and Women's Studies at Boston University and Hofstra, has a soon to be released book I look forward to reading, entitled The End of Sex: How Hookup Culture is Leaving a Generation Unhappy, Sexually Unfulfilled, and Confused About Intimacy. The decline of courtship and shift to a hookup mentality is not progress as far as emotional intimacy, the art of getting to know someone over time, or one-to-one conversation is concerned. Most things that are valuable in life are not instant, and putting some effort and intentionality into dating is still attractive.

There are other societal shifts happening concurrently, including more longevity for most of us, and a prolonged “adultesence” into the mid-to late 20s with the age of first marriage happening later than in generations past. This could be changing the courtship dynamics, where no one wants to get too serious too soon.

Regardless, I still prefer that we all develop good social skills, call others rather than text whenever possible, and have the courage to risk rejection and create real intimacy. Women also need to know that they can ask for behaviors they prefer, and hold to their own personal standards. Texting may be useful for quick information, like the fact that you may be 5 minutes late, but it isn't a medium for developing a relationship. Online dating can be a good way to meet someone, but real relationships have to occur in real time. Email or texting are not good modes to work through relationship challenges. Some things will always be better in person or in conversation that isn't preplanned or cleverly crafted.

Why do Marriages Last Better In New Jersey?

In the October 14th edition of The New York Times, I found an article in the wedding section with some interesting demographic data about staying married. Recently, the Census Bureau released its 2011 American Community survey, showing New Jersey ranking last among the states for its percentage of residents age 18 and older who are divorced.

A different study by Philip Cohen, a professor of sociology at the University of Maryland looked at the states with the lowest of divorces the previous year compared with their populations, finding these states to be Delaware, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, and North Dakota. All of these states had rates of divorce about 6-7% per 1,000 people, compared to 31 states that have above a 10% rate.

The Director of the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University in Ohio, Susan Brown, suggests that the data about less divorce in New Jersey has a lot to do with the demographic trends for first marriage there. Long-term marriages are more likely when couples marry later, have a higher level of education, and are more financially stable. In New Jersey, it seems that more people are delaying marriage until they are more ready for it and have fewer risk factors for divorce.

According to American Community’s 2011 survey, 23% of Americans married that year were between 18 and 24 years old. In New Jersey, only 13% of newlyweds were that young. The same survey found that of people 31% of Americans married in 2011 had a bachelor's degree or higher education. In New Jersey, this figure was 42%.

Public Policy professor Andrew Cherlin from Johns Hopkins notes that the divorce rates tend to be lower in the northeastern states because of this trend to marry later and at a higher educational level.

Recessions tend to have a mixed effect on the rates of divorce. While job loss, unemployment, bankruptcy, foreclosure and other economic instability are bad stress for couples, it may be that some couples do not separate or divorce because they cannot afford the additional expense of setting up and maintaining two households, plus legal costs.

Other writers wonder if other factors make divorce in New Jersey less likely. There are many foreign-born residents, which may reduce divorce rates. Unemployment is not as high in New Jersey as some other states. Perhaps the stress and impact of Hurricane Sandy will impact the next set of divorce statistics. Some question whether married people in New Jersey have a lower happiness set-point than those in other areas, or if they are settling.

At the very least, these national statistics about trends in marriage and divorce give us an interesting dialogue about that factors that make splitting up less likely. For my own daughters, and all the young people I work with in counseling, I still hope you will take your time. Don't partner too early. Finish your education and get financially stable on your own if possible before taking on the huge commitments of marriage and family. Be sure to get some pre-marital counseling so you know how you will deal with decisions, religion, parenting, finances, family, and sex.

Your core self isn't truly developed until close to age 30, so if you marry before then, it's anybody's guess if you will still be a fit with your partner later on. Give yourself the best chance at marital happiness and success that you can, because there are plenty of challenges you can't control in life. 

Connecting Beyond Family Dinner

In the Sunday, July 1, 2012 edition of the New York Times, I ran across an article by the authors of a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy this Spring. The authors of the study are Ann Meier, Associate Professor of Sociology at the University of Minnesota, and Kelly Musick, Associate Professor of Policy Analysis and Management at Cornell University. While there are a number of studies linking family dinner time to good parenting outcomes, this study shows that there are other factors that play a role, and other ways to connect besides family mealtimes. This study might be a good reality check for parents of teens, who may be realizing family dinners are sometimes extremely difficult to corral busy teens and parents into.

Meier and Musick studied factors from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, a nationally representative sample of teens, surveyed twice in middle school and/or high school, and again in young adulthood, between 18 and 26. Both the teens and their parents answered detailed questions about family patterns, living arrangements, and income. They focused on how the frequency of family dinners correlated with these three indicators of adolescent well-being: depression, drug/alcohol use, and delinquency (this included a number of behaviors, such as shoplifting).

This study supported previous studies that if you check in at any one point in time with teens, then family dinners do correlate with higher levels of well-being. However, if the researchers dug deeper and controlled for additional ways in which the families who ate together and didn't eat together also tended to differ, interesting details came to light. These two types of families often had a different quality of relationship with their teen, including the amount of activities with a parent and teen, seeing movies together, helping with schoolwork/projects, monitoring curfews and clothing choices, and different parental resources (income, one vs. two parents in the household).

Without controlling for these other factors, 73% of teens in their sample who rarely ate dinner with parents reported drug and alcohol use, compared with 55% of teens who regularly ate dinner with parents. However, if the researchers controlled for these factors, the differences in alcohol/drug use was cut in half between the two groups, from 18% to 9%.

When the researchers looked at how family dinners affect teens over time, the benefits appeared thin for the impact of family dinners on drug and alcohol use, mental health,or delinquency rates. It may, however, impact other things that weren't tracked, such as healthy eating patterns. While eating meals together and visiting and relating with your teens during mealtime is always a positive, these researchers encourage parents to think creatively. Do dinner together as often as you can, but also realize that driving time, leisure activities together like seeing movies, and being involved in many other little ways with your teen at home also count. Don't feel guilty. Try to maximize your connections with your teen when and where you can, and meals are not the only place good connections can happen. The most important thing that needs to happen is your teen knowing you are available, interested, willing to listen, and care about them.

Couples Therapy: It's Not For Sissies

In the March 4th issue of the New York Times, writer Elizabeth Weil penned a terrific article about couples therapy, and why it is that most therapists will acknowledge that it's much tougher to do than supportive individual counseling. In individual counseling, you build a therapeutic alliance with one person; you can be warm, empathetic, and client-centered. In couples therapy, you must be stronger and more active as a therapist. Your patient is really the relationship between the two of them, and you have to have your wits about you and jump into the conflict. You have to be brave, and "pilot your helicopter in a hurricane," as master couples therapists Peter Pearson and Ellyn Bader from the Couples Institute in Palo Alto, California describe working with high-conflict couples.

Weil's article was inspired by a November/December 2011 issue cover story in a professional magazine written for therapists, Psychotherapy Networker, which was titled, "Who's Afraid of Couples Therapy?" In it, couples therapy experts confirm that seeing couples is qualitatively a different experience for therapists. It is higher in conflict, includes more anger and arguing, and both people are watching your every move to ensure that you don't let their partner "win." The truth is, couples counseling is a team sport, and we win or lose together.

Elizabeth Weil is also the author of an interesting new book I just finished, called No Cheating, No Dying: I Had a Good Marriage. Then I Tried to Make It Better" (Scribner, 2012). In the book, Weil bravely opens up the details of her marriage, including what they argue about, and where there are strengths as well as weaknesses. She reflects beautifully, and at times with humor and vulnerability as she and her husband embark on a year-long project of trying different types of couples therapy and marriage education classes and workshops. They learn about how their issues from their respective families of origin contribute to their current relationship challenges. They discover better ways to communicate. They identify ways to not hide behind their work, or their two small children. They learn to embrace the differences between them, including how her husband pushes the limits of creative gourmet cooking and liberally decorates their small San Francisco home with his dropping of his brown socks. She has her own eccentricities. We all do.

Many aspects of therapy are different with couples. You have to be on your toes with couples. Timing is essential. You can't sit and regroup, collecting your thoughts as a clinician if you need to step in. You can't be passive. They could argue like that at home without you. You can't let the couple interrupt, demean, or talk over each other. You can't be afraid to speak up, strongly and with conviction, when one or both of them are doing something destructive to the relationship. You can't just sit there and nod.

Doing strong couples therapy requires a therapist move out of a classic, nurturing role and shift to a bigger frame with more moving parts and things to consider. There often isn't a good person and a bad person. Timing and feedback is important as a couples therapist. You can't hold secrets for the couple. You have to care about each partner individually, but also believe in their ability to do better as they know more about how their own individual behavior contributes to their dance of intimacy. Couples are dynamic. They don't stay in a steady state-- they are always moving closer together or further apart.

The average couple waits 6 years being unhappy before seeking guidance, according to University of Miami researcher and psychology professor Brian Goss. Most couples I see tell me they wish they had come sooner. Why suffer? It feels wonderful to help couples learn to communicate with respect and kindness, re-energize their physical/intimate relationship, have more fun together, learn to fight fairly, and celebrate and understand their differences.

Last week, I got an e-mail from a husband a few hours after a particularly tough, but important couples therapy session, letting me know he felt they had really made key progress that day. I really care about and believe in both of them. Seeing couples is deeply satisfying work to do, even if it's not for sissies. Being a part of making a couples' relationship closer and more alive is extremely satisfying, even though there are sometimes firestorms to get through on the way.

When Friendships End

Last Sunday, I read a great article in The New York Times called "Endship" by writer Alex Williams, about when friendships come to a point of change. Reading Alex's article got me reflecting about the importance of friends, and the differing lifespans that relationships have. Not all friendships can go the distance through the rest of your life, despite the fact that you were very close at one time. There is no protocol for ending or scaling back a friendship. How do we navigate these uncharted relationship waters?

The support, companionship, and feedback of close friends is so valuable. You can meet up and have some fun together, compare notes on how your lives are progressing, celebrate each other's happiness, and mourn each other's losses and disappointments. Research supports that friends can be good medicine. When I am working with people who are grieving, I always assess their support system, because being close to others will invariably be a great resource and help in the adjustments one makes after loss (divorce, death, breakups, moves, job loss, etc.)

It seems to me that some friendships are based more on common circumstances, such as working together, having children at the same time, or being neighbors. Some of these friendships go deep enough to sustain the connection after you are not in the original circumstances in which you became friends. Others can't. There are friendships where you can lose day to day contact, but no matter how long you go in between visits, you can pick up where you left off. These friends are keepers, like gems to be treasured. If you have even one or two of this type of friend, you are blessed.

Watershed moments in your life, or your friend's life, can be defining moments in friendships. People tell me they never forget friends that are understanding at particularly difficult stretches in their lives, such as the loss of a partner, parent, or child. Conversely, it's hard to feel as close to a longtime friend who can't summon up any compassion or tenderness when you are hurting, and can't move off center stage. (And now, more about me). Deep, authentic friends can listen and transcend self.

Sometimes your own life changes, and it may not work to take certain friends along with you. Couples have to think about how it may impact your husband or wife to keep up friendships with former partners, and agree on how you want to handle these boundaries. I call this closing the exits. It doen't mean that you didn't care deeply for a former partner, but realizing there were reasons you broke up with them and chose the partner you have. You can wish them well, and let go.

It is important to watch the balance in friendships over time. Look for patterns. Is spending time with your friend lifting you up, energizing, and nurturing? Do you and your friend bring out the best in each other? Are they consistently draining, or always whining but not taking any forward action? Do they inspire you to be better or get excited about your own life? Do you feel like the complaint department? Is there a balance, or is it one-sided?

It is a loss when a friendship ends. You may feel it coming on for years. There isn't really a protocol for ending a friendship. While the virtual world of Facebook has the cruel possibility of unfriending someone, real life doesn't work that way. Fading away gradually, being kind, but sharing less personal information and not initiating as much contact seems gentler. Acceptance of the differences in friendships is essential. Some friendships have a lifespan or a freshness date, while another type of friendship goes deeper than having common circumstances, and can go the distance the rest of your life. Both are valuable, and enrich, broaden, and soften our lives.

Do friendships sometimes need to end? Yes. Take your time. Reflect. Be kind. Honor even the friends who you shared part of your life with. Always be on the lookout for adding wonderful new potential friends to your life as well. The happiest people I know continue to make friends at every age, and stay open minded. Looking for friends who motivate, bring out the best in you, challenge, and support you is an activity you can continue all your life. Being a good friend who is loyal, caring, interested, and supportive is always a good place to start.

Tiger Mothers: Why It's Not a Good Idea

The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times have both featured articles this month about Amy Chua's recent book,"Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother". The book has stirred lively debate among parents and parenting experts. The Wall Street Journal is said to have had over 5,000 comments about it on their Web site so far! Now Amy Chua is going out on a national book tour to promote the book, which promotes her own extreme parentong strategies and philosophies.Feedback has been so intense that Chua has received death threats.As a Marriage and Family Therapist practicing for 20 years, and having taught Active Parenting classes for more than 10 years,I have some thoughts about what is off about the approach Amy Chua promotes.

Basically, Chua is a hard-driving, ambitious parent who is also a law professor at Yale. She demands straight A's from her two daughters,refuses to let them socialize much,outlaws sleepovers, and provides liberal amounts of criticism. She threw out handmade birthday cards they made at ages 4 and 7 and told them they didn't show enough effort.She can refuse to let them get up to go to the bathroom until a piano concerto is good enough.Chua has tip top standards and never lets the girls forget it.

What are the potential problems from parenting in this highly authoritarian style?You may be setting the children up for problems with increased anxiety and/or depression. They may struggle all their adult lives with not feeling good enough, and need counseling to overcome this belief. They may hate you, may rebel against you as soon as they are out of your watch, and are not likely to turn to you when they struggle with problems because they see you as harsh and judgemental.Think about who you seek out to talk about your personal problems with. Would you voluntarily open up with someone with those qualities when you are hurting or in a dilemma? I wouldn't.

Chua says her tone was meant to be self-mocking, and even she has grown to see areas where she is over the top.Apparently,with some extreme pushback from her girls, even she and her husband are softening a little and are allowing a birthday sleepover. The debate the book has stirred is good, and does make us look at our own parenting positions.

Authoritarian parents have some strengths. They have clear rules and family structure about homework, music practice, meals and bed time. There is no chaos in the autoritarian style of parenting.Basic family structure and rules are good, but as children mature they need to have a bit more say in their own lives.The parents are still the executives in healthier families, but children and teens feel they can ask questions, and get more freedom when they are demonstrating responsible behavior.

What is missing in this style of parenting is the ability to communicate openly in the family, and a more democratic process for letting children and teens make some choices about their lives in age-appropriate ways.Children and teens need to learn through making some mistakes. I would also like to prepare teens for making good choices when we launch them. We impair their ability to think for themselves when they are used to us contolling their every move.If you think back and you had a parent with this high-contol/high-negative approach, reflect on whether this caused you to be more secretive or shut them out.I don't want my daughters to marry highly controlling partners either, and there may be a familiar attraction for a girl raised in this style.Teens raised by authoritarian rule will either end up following others blindly, or rebeling stongly and acting out. I don't like either option.

Tiger mothers love their children, but may need some rethinking about whether the achievements they get from their children are worth the cost emotionally to the child and to the parent-child relationship.Maybe Ms. Chua has learned a little from the heated debate her book has stirred.Perhaps all of us benefit from the discussion.If we are raising our children to be independent thinkers, self-motivated, well-adjusted,responsible,and confident, we need to parent with that long-term outcome in mind.