Couples: Watch out For The 4 Horsemen

Reseachers John and Julie Gottman, couples researchers and founders of the Gottman Institute in Seattle,Washington, have studied couples for decades. John Gottman runs the "Love Lab" at Seattle University, where he and his researchers are able to observe and collect data about how couples communicate, argue, do repairs, and express affection to each other. They are able to track biological feedback about each individual while they are interacting with their partner.

Gottman's research gives us some valuable information about what unhappy and happy couples do differently.

Four traits predict break-ups, and Gottman named them the four horsemen of failed relationships.They are:

1. Criticism: attacking your partner's personality

2. Contempt: putting your partner down

3. Defensiveness: not being able to take in your partner's concern, but attacking them instead

4. Stonewalling: shutting down and shutting your partner out, rather than discussing concerns

Couples who do these behaviors, in certain combinations, are more likely to head towards divorce or a break-up. All couples do these behaviors at times, but developing your skills for listening to your partner, not just reacting and getting defensive, can really turn things around.

A good couples therapist can teach you how to fight fairly, stay respectful of each other, listen more fully, and frame requests appropriately so you can be successful. For example, I ask couples not to frame concerns with "you always" or "you never." Those starting points trigger a cascade of negatives from your partner, and don't help you find win-win solutions. Being a couple takes teamwork.

What about some good news? Happier couples tend to be more positive in their interactions, with a ratio of 20 to 1 positive to negative comments in normal interactions, and 5 to 1 when arguing. Try to increase the positive, encouraging, and supportive comments you make to your partner. Point out what you like about what they do. Researcher Terri Orbuch with the Early Years of Marriage Project at the University of Michigan found something similar, that 67% of happy couples report that their partner often makes them feel good about themselves, while only 27% of unhappy couples reported the same.

Doing pleasureable activities together helps couples enjoy each other more. The most common cause of divorce is "growing apart," not infidelity or domestic abuse. Working on the soft side of your relationship, including positive conversations, mutual encouragement, shared pleasureable time together, expressing appreciation specifically, and staying connected physically are the real glue in a happy marriage.

Argue Only By Appointment

All couples see things differently at times. You're each unique individuals, and you probably grew up in families with their own ways of doing things and ideas about what is "right." Happily committed couples learn there is often MORE than one right way to do most things. Emotionally mature people respect their differences, learn to fight fairly and understand that all relationships have some recurring perpetual issues.

Every couple has 4 or 5 perpetual issues that are unsolvable, according to psychologist and marital researcher John Gottman. If you trade in your current relationship, guess what happens? You just get 4 or 5 different perpetual, unsolvable issues! So all couples will disagree. Don't be shocked. What counts is working out respectful, fair ways to discuss these issues when they come up.

How do you fight fair with your partner?

First, I encourage couples to argue only by appointment with each other. Don't launch a grenade as your partner is just leaving for work. No surprise attacks! It's better to let your partner know you want to set up a time to talk with them about something important to you. Ask if now is a good time, or if not, if you can set up a time later that same day or evening. (Your partner is not allowed to just say no.) You need to speak privately, without an audience. I also ask couples to have these discussions NOT in your bedroom, as that needs to be sacred space for you as a couple, not associated with tough conversations.

Next, don't hit below the belt. This means, don't call your partner names, yell, swear, or blame. Make "I" statements, so that you say what you want, need, and feel, rather than blame them.

Stay on one topic. Don't wander from one concern to another. It gets overwhelming for your partner and is not as productive.

Try not to bring up a long list of examples from past years,or since the two of you met. This long train of examples can make your partner feel hopeless about ever being able to make you happy.

Stay solution-focused. Give specifics. Ask for what you want. Allow for hope and the possibility that your partner might want to better meet your needs.

Remember, the intent is to help your partner better understand you and how their behavior affects you.

Having grown-up expectations for your relationship is important. Everything won't go smoothly all the time. You will see things differently. If you work it right, you can grow and become a better person through learning to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts. Perhaps this is a part of the plan, that through being in a close committed relationship, we develop fully into the person we were always meant to become: more open, respectful of differences, aware of your impact on your partner, and an active participant in keeping your relationship alive and grudge-free.

Making Relationships Thrive

You can't plant a garden and forget to water,feed,or weed it and expect it to grow.If you do that, you will walk outside and find it dead at some point.Close relationships also take tending to be at their healthiest. What skills does it take to make your closest relationships really satisfying? Here are a few:

1. Be intentional about spending time together.A relationship can't thrive on e-mails,text messages,periodic phone calls,and ignoring each other. Step away from the technology,and have some fun together.In his research on happy couples,John Gottman found that the happiest couples have high-energy fun together on a frequent basis.While small and school-age children often seek out fun with parents and grandparents,we have to reach out more creatively to engage teens.Join teens on their turf,and invite them to bring a friend,or sweep them away for a meal out with you one-on-one.

2. Recognize and celebrate the positive.Catch your partner,child,or family member doing something positive,and compliment them.Be specific.Most people feel thirsty for positive feedback,and besieged by negative feedback.You can create circles of encouragement in your relationships by pointing out positive effort,persistence,creativity,follow-through,and courage.You can create a relationships where you bring out each other's highest self.

3.Build positive momentum.Cherish your shared history by making photographs of good times spent together visible in your home environment.Couples can create an "us" bulletin board in their space,where favorite moments of your shared history are celebrated.Identify fun traditions you can look forward to,like date nights for couples,game nights for families with younger children,or family meal traditions that are unique to your family.

4.Resolve differences directly and effectively.Learn to fight fairly in your relationships.If you have a problem in a close relationship,talk in confidence with that person directly.Don't be triangulating by talking to a third person.Stick to one topic.Listen to the other person from your heart,for understanding.

5.Apologize when you have done something to hurt the relationship.Own up.Ask for forgiveness.

6.Be generous:with affection,with kindness,with your time,and with forgiveness.

7.Imagine yourself in the other person's shoes.Empathize.Be aware that situations in life and in relationships look different from the other person's perspective.Be conscious that the other person may have different needs and wants; relationships are a team-sport,and it's not always all about you.

8.Ask for input from the other person about any ideas they have to change,improve,or upgrade the relationship.

9.Listen.Really listen,putting away distractions.It feels wonderful to REALLY be heard in your closest relationships.

10.Let the other person know what you love about them,and often.Today is the tenth anniversary of the September 11th terrorist strikes in the US,and a good day to remember that life is indeed fragile,and that it's important not to take the people closest to you for granted.Taking advantage of the moments we have with our loved ones is crucial,as noone is promised tomorrow.

We each have it in our power everyday to take care of our closest relationships so they flourish and grow fully.Very little in life means more than our closest bonds.Since relationships are never in a static state,but always dynamic,we either deepen our relationships by our daily behaviors,or we passively outprioritize them with other things.

Beware Emotional Flooding

All couples fight or have to work through conflict at times.It's normal. I am always concerned if a couple tells me they never disagree. Either someone is brain dead or afraid to speak up. What matters most to me about couples and conflict as a structural family therapist is HOW the couple moves through the conflict. Can they disagree while staying respectful of each other and their relationship? It's been said that all couples have a few perpetual unresolveable issues. What marks a successful relationship is being able to discuss those differences without threats,nastiness,or a need to win every time. Afterall, do you want to win, or do you want to be happy? Being a couple is like being a part of a team, and you've got to have your partner's back,rather than go gunning for them.

One of the most important concepts I learned from doing some training with University of Washington psychologist and couples researcher John Gottman is that of emotional flooding.Gottman ran a "Love Lab" at the university,where couples' interactions were studied as they interact with each other and live there for a brief time.Each partners' heart rate and other physiological responses are monitored throughout their stay.

Gottman and his team identified a pattern that was dangerous to couples' relationship survival.If the male partner frequently experienced "emotional flooding" during the couples interactions it negatively skews the chances of the couple making it long-term. Emotional flooding is a state of overwhelm where the individual may get flushed,stressed,physiologically agitated,and have a desire to do fight or flight.Note to all partners: when you are working through a conflict with your beloved,pay attention to your partners' non-verbal cues.Don't overwhelm them.Offer to take a break so you can both calm down. Research on stress and anger tells us that the human body usually needs 20 to 30 minutes of cool down time to release a high level of tension. You and your partner could adjourn and meet up later when you are both calmer and can be more constructive.

Conflict is completely normal and healthy,because two individual people will have competing core needs at times.Losing control,screaming threats,or making below-the-belt comments is not healthy. Unbridled anger can emotionally flood your partner and put the relationship at risk. Be smart.Watch for flooding,and when you see it, know to stop and cool down.You don't wanted your beloved to associate you with high levels of emotional distress and negative biological sensation.

Fighting Fair

All couples disagree at times. If you don't, somebody isn't participating! As a couples therapist, I am always interested in couples I work with finding respectful, fair ways to disagree with each other, without creating damage to the relationship. There are some keys to making sure your disagreements don't tear you apart.

Don't expect your partner to be exactly like you. This is a great place to start. If you need to have everything your way, you are better off staying single. Being successfully partnered means appreciating that there are often several correct ways to approach most things. Seek to understand your partners' preferences, needs, and patterns. Understand that your partner will think that the way things were done in their family growing up is the right way to do things, while you have your own,unique, family imprints. If we each get emotional blueprints for how relationships work, we need to be tolerant and respectful that our partner is working from a different blueprint. It's not right and wrong. One of you may have grown up with dinner always at 5:00, or the wife doing all the parenting, or the husband managing all the finances. If your partner got a different script, you've got to be able to discuss and negotiate kindly.

Argue only by appointment with each other. Don't launch into an argument when your partner is on their way to work or another important commitment. Set up a time to discuss an issue if needed.

Stick to one issue per discussion. I have witnessed couples spiral into negativity and unproductive defensiveness when they float from one issue to the next. This is the mistake: any fight can move from one issue to everything and the kitchen sink.

Don't call names, raise your voice , or swear at your partner. These are damaging behaviors that will cause your partner to resent you, distance fom you and/or fear you. You have to feel safe with a loved one to feel you can be intimately connected. Children and teens also have shared with me in family counseling that these same "below the belt" argument strategies from parents make them shut down and give up on you.

Stay solution-focused whenever you argue. Avoid boxing your partner in by using the words "always" and "never". Ask for what you need and try to listen nondefensively to your parner's perspective.Be specific about what would help. Aim for win/win solutions you can both feel good about. Some decisions might need to be 51% to 49%, with the partner who cares more about that specific issue taking a slight lead. Don't be a bulldozer and expect that you should win them all. Be willing to say you are sorry.

Couples most often fight about a few things: physical intimacy, money, time,children,
and extended family relationships. I want couples I work with to feel that there isn't anything that can't talk through. The secret to a happy life as a couple is choosing a mature, loving, and kind partner and treating them extremely well. Now that is really winning in my book.

Why Everybody Needs Boundaries

Everybody needs to learn to set boundaries. I often work with my counseling clients on this front. It is especially difficult for women to set limits and boundaries, and most challenging to set them with the people you are closest to. Today I want to share some of my observations about setting boundaries at home and at work, and how this abilty is key to really living an authentic life and being yourself.

There is an image in a classic old psychology book called "Feeling Safe" that I love. Picture a young person growing up and moving in to a house. The house represents a sense of self. There are many rooms in the house, symbolizing different aspects of the self that one develops over time. The doors to each room need to be opened or closed by the young person whose house it is. The doors are the limits or boundaries which help our developing teenaged self learn to feel safe.

It may be interesting to you to reflect back on your growing up years and recall how safe you may have felt (or not) to explore the different aspects of your self and be supported by family. Were you allowed to let Mom or Dad in closer or push them out a bit when you needed to withdraw a while? If you were allowed to set boundaries as a young person, it helps later in life. Many teenaged girls and adult women struggle with being able to set limits and not feel guilty. There are gender specific experiences in being raised a girl that contribute to this being difficult as well.

Being able to develop your toolkit for setting limits and boundaries is important for personal happiness and to live an authentic life. It means you can make straight-forward, reasonable requests of others. It means you have some standards for how you want to be treated, and that you provide others who are important to you the same fair consideration. It means you and the other person are both allowed to say 'no' sometimes.It means you don't put people-pleasing as your only value. It teaches you to respect yourself and commands respect from others. All relationships have a power dynamic, and setting boundaries helps you hold on to your power over yourself at not be voiceless or enable a tyrant.

Setting boundaries does not mean being defensive. Defensiveness is stonewalling, being hostile, withholding love, and other immature communication stategies.If you saw your parents using defensiveness as their style, it is probably your easiest strategy to emulate. Unless you stop the legacy of defensiveness and choose to develop healthier emotional habits. Defensiveness hides destructive,hurtful,and sneaky behaviors, while boundaries protect your best and higher self.

Where do we need boundaries to protect our best self? Here are some of the areas where we definitely do:

1.Work
2.With Our Partner(Love, Honor and Negotiate!)
3.How Conflicts Get Resolved (AKA Fair Fighting)
4.Friends
5.Gossip/Negativity/Whining
6.Inappropriate Questions
7.Inappropriate Requests
8.Parenting(Variable boundaries dependent on age and maturity)
9.Extended Family
10.Holidays/Celebrations/Gifts
11.Post-Divorce
12.Volunteer Work
13.Protecting the Emotional and Physical Intimacy with Your Loved One
14.In our Sexual Life
15.How we Cope with Disappointment, Frustration,and Hurt
16.For Privacy With Clergy, Doctors,and Therapists
17.With our Time
18.With our Self
19.With what we Say
20.With the use of Alcohol and Drugs
21.Spending
22.Technology
23.Children's Activities
24.Food
25.Privacy(allowing access appropriate to how close the person is to us)

Lots of areas of our lives come to mind. Being able to set boundaries effectively gives your life meaning. When you set limits you protect what is within them, and makes those things have greater value.If you have no boundaries,or loose boundaries, you are not making anyone truly special in your life and protecting them, or taking good care of yourself. Watch for footprints on your back as you become a doormat to others. For more on this topic, I suggest reading "Where to Draw the Line:How to Set Healthy Everyday Boundaries" or the classic "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty".

You can set boundaries, and like training your muscles at the gym,it will get easier with practice.You can show your children a healthier pattern. Mature people not only set limits, but go direct rather than indirect, set differing boundaries depending on what is appropriate to the relationship, and really mean yes when they say it.