Staying Power: I Won't Give Up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1-4u9W-bns

Recently I heard a beautiful new song by singer/songwriter Jason Mraz called"I Won't Give Up."

It has a very pretty melody, but I especially liked the message of the lyrics. It always amazes me how music can go places and reach us in ways that words alone often can't.

Years ago, when I was working with cancer patients and doing hospice counseling, I had the honor of getting to work with an interdisciplinary team from the hospital that included a very gifted music therapist. She would play favorite songs or hymns for our mutual patients on the oncology floor at the hospital, or on our home visits with patients who were on hospice at the very end of their lives. Incredible things happened. Sometimes a patient who was relatively withdrawn or unresponsive would brighten and remember favorite songs from the past. They might even sing the lyrics from memory. Music can really impact each of us in powerful and healing ways.

At times, music can express emotional states and experiences, and capture them for us. With Mraz's new song, I felt moved by his message. "I Won't Give Up" is a powerful statement of resiliency, faith, and hope. When I am working at counseling couples, I am often struck by how much we need to dig deep and really try to learn and grow in intimate relationships.

It may seem easier to give up when we realize key differences between ourself and the other person, but the easiest choice isn't always our best path for growing into a stronger, more flexible, more loving person. Holding onto the resolve to choose to stay and grow can be a powerful life decision. If we give up easily, we avoid growth. Couples therapist and researcher John Gottman talks about each couple having a few perpetual, unresolvable issues. What matters is learning to dialogue about them with love and respect. Guess what happens if you trade in your partner and get a new one? Answer: You get a whole new set of perpetual,unsolvable issues you will come to identify within a couple of years. Grow now, or grow later. It's your choice.

There are situations where committed relationships should end. If your partner is abusive, refusing to deal with their addictive/chemically dependent behavior, or putting you and your children at risk with their dangerous behavior, you must act. You must give up to protect yourself and any children in such circumstances.

In many committed relationships, however, I encourage couples to dig deep and stay close through challenges. Mraz's song talks of hanging in there even if the"skies are dark." His lyrics also reference understanding differences with your partner, appreciating and accepting them. Mraz notes the value of learning to be flexible, and understanding how being a better, less rigid partner will help you grow personally. I often am struck by how powerful it is to help couples see that there are usually two correct (and different) perspectives on whatever issue they are stuck on. File this under,"Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"

It occurs to me also with our children and teenagers, it is helpful to cultivate this "I Won't Give Up" mindset, even if they are going through a particularly difficult phase where they are acting out, rude, defiant, depressed, angry, etc. Keep on providing the calm, loving presence and set those limits. Get professional help. Find someone who can test and guide them if they are having learning issues. Find a good family therapist to help if the relationship between parent and child is breaking down. Work through it until you get to the other side. You will be glad you did for the rest of your life.

Even in thinking about individuals, this need to never lose hope is relevant. We may go through very difficult or disheartening experiences, but it is important to assess the impact, do extreme self care, and begin again. Some very challenging life experiences teach us, grow us, and tenderize us. I call it the Appreciation School of Life, because when better things happen later in life, you profoundly appreciate it. Don't give up on yourself.

I guess, upon reflection, I like Jason Mraz's new song so much because as a therapist, I feel much of what I spend my life working with people on is really, at the core, about resiliency and hope. Learning to grow from the losses and challenges in life is essential. Holding onto hope for rebuilding or strengthening your relationship, believing in yourself to go on, and not giving up on your children all have something in common. It all takes the ability to hang in there, and being open to learning and growing along the journey of your life. I wouldn't trade this work for any other work I can think of. It feels like a privilege to help people recapture their strength, hope, and ability to do better as they know more. Nice job, Jason.

Argue Only By Appointment

All couples see things differently at times. You're each unique individuals, and you probably grew up in families with their own ways of doing things and ideas about what is "right." Happily committed couples learn there is often MORE than one right way to do most things. Emotionally mature people respect their differences, learn to fight fairly and understand that all relationships have some recurring perpetual issues.

Every couple has 4 or 5 perpetual issues that are unsolvable, according to psychologist and marital researcher John Gottman. If you trade in your current relationship, guess what happens? You just get 4 or 5 different perpetual, unsolvable issues! So all couples will disagree. Don't be shocked. What counts is working out respectful, fair ways to discuss these issues when they come up.

How do you fight fair with your partner?

First, I encourage couples to argue only by appointment with each other. Don't launch a grenade as your partner is just leaving for work. No surprise attacks! It's better to let your partner know you want to set up a time to talk with them about something important to you. Ask if now is a good time, or if not, if you can set up a time later that same day or evening. (Your partner is not allowed to just say no.) You need to speak privately, without an audience. I also ask couples to have these discussions NOT in your bedroom, as that needs to be sacred space for you as a couple, not associated with tough conversations.

Next, don't hit below the belt. This means, don't call your partner names, yell, swear, or blame. Make "I" statements, so that you say what you want, need, and feel, rather than blame them.

Stay on one topic. Don't wander from one concern to another. It gets overwhelming for your partner and is not as productive.

Try not to bring up a long list of examples from past years,or since the two of you met. This long train of examples can make your partner feel hopeless about ever being able to make you happy.

Stay solution-focused. Give specifics. Ask for what you want. Allow for hope and the possibility that your partner might want to better meet your needs.

Remember, the intent is to help your partner better understand you and how their behavior affects you.

Having grown-up expectations for your relationship is important. Everything won't go smoothly all the time. You will see things differently. If you work it right, you can grow and become a better person through learning to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts. Perhaps this is a part of the plan, that through being in a close committed relationship, we develop fully into the person we were always meant to become: more open, respectful of differences, aware of your impact on your partner, and an active participant in keeping your relationship alive and grudge-free.

Beware Emotional Flooding

All couples fight or have to work through conflict at times.It's normal. I am always concerned if a couple tells me they never disagree. Either someone is brain dead or afraid to speak up. What matters most to me about couples and conflict as a structural family therapist is HOW the couple moves through the conflict. Can they disagree while staying respectful of each other and their relationship? It's been said that all couples have a few perpetual unresolveable issues. What marks a successful relationship is being able to discuss those differences without threats,nastiness,or a need to win every time. Afterall, do you want to win, or do you want to be happy? Being a couple is like being a part of a team, and you've got to have your partner's back,rather than go gunning for them.

One of the most important concepts I learned from doing some training with University of Washington psychologist and couples researcher John Gottman is that of emotional flooding.Gottman ran a "Love Lab" at the university,where couples' interactions were studied as they interact with each other and live there for a brief time.Each partners' heart rate and other physiological responses are monitored throughout their stay.

Gottman and his team identified a pattern that was dangerous to couples' relationship survival.If the male partner frequently experienced "emotional flooding" during the couples interactions it negatively skews the chances of the couple making it long-term. Emotional flooding is a state of overwhelm where the individual may get flushed,stressed,physiologically agitated,and have a desire to do fight or flight.Note to all partners: when you are working through a conflict with your beloved,pay attention to your partners' non-verbal cues.Don't overwhelm them.Offer to take a break so you can both calm down. Research on stress and anger tells us that the human body usually needs 20 to 30 minutes of cool down time to release a high level of tension. You and your partner could adjourn and meet up later when you are both calmer and can be more constructive.

Conflict is completely normal and healthy,because two individual people will have competing core needs at times.Losing control,screaming threats,or making below-the-belt comments is not healthy. Unbridled anger can emotionally flood your partner and put the relationship at risk. Be smart.Watch for flooding,and when you see it, know to stop and cool down.You don't wanted your beloved to associate you with high levels of emotional distress and negative biological sensation.

Making Repairs

When you buy a new home,everything seems perfect. If you live there a few years,however,inevitably it will occur to you that some changes and repairs are needed.It might be a leak in the plumbing,or fresh paint,or a desire to redo the backyard more to suit you. Relationships also need repairs and renovation.

How do we repair relationships?

When there are hurt feelings,tension, or distance between you and the other person,
you acknowledge it.You pick a good approach and time and have the difficult,emotionally brave conversation that is needed. You take responsibility for your part of the situation.You apologize for hurt you have caused. You ask the other person about what they are feeling and experiencing.Then you listen. You take any feedback to heart, and are non-defensive.

All relationships have arguments,misunderstandings,and conficts between each person's core needs.What matters is that in more satisfying relationships,people work through the issues and differences and seek to understand each other.When there is hurt or distance,healthy people make attempts to repair the relationship quickly,and healthy partners participate willingly in the repair. Relationship repair takes two.A healthy working through of conflict almost always makes each person feel more known and held in the relationship.

Psychology researcher John Gottman and his team at the University of Washington found that couples who begin difficult conversations with a good start,as opposed to a harsh set-up, are more likely to stay happily married.A harsh set-up includes blame and attack, and probably yelling. This is a sure-fire way to shut down communication with your child, partner,co-worker,or anyone else.Gottman's research suggests that in good relationships,people see the best in each other and accept repair attempts.

Why have difficult conversations at all? High-quality relationships require authenticity,genuineness,and honesty. They need both people to be all in.I love to see people develop their voice in therapy and become emotionally strong and courageous enough to say the truth about what they are experiencing in their relationships. Relationships cannot be great when the people in them don't feel safe enough to say the truth about what they need and want, and be open to the needs and wants of the other person.You don't need the other person to be just like you.They also don't have to be perfect.We just need to be able to acknowledge distance,conflict and hurt between ourselves and those we care about, and be able to talk about it and repair it in non-defensive and open ways.

When bones break in the human body and are set and healed properly,the bone actually can become stronger at that broken place than it was before.In close relationships, we want to acknowledge hurt and pain, and attempt to repair it with a desire to understand both ourself and the other person better.This is the stuff great lives and meaningful relationships are made of.See if you can make or accept a repair in one of your relationships this week,or be brave and start that difficult conversation that is needed.You're worth it.