Being Aware of Your Own Blind Spots

Here is a great tool for understanding more about your blind spots in how you perceive yourself and how you relate to others: it's called Johari's Window. It was developed by two psychologists, Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham. They combined their first names (ala Brangelina or Kimye) to come up with this name for their concept. It's a useful construct to help each of us become more aware of ourselves and others.

Writer Anais Nin wrote that, "we don't see things as we are, we see things as we are." Luft and Ingham designed Johari's window to help us begin to see ourselves and the people close to us in a more complete way. They constructed four quadrants of perception that are organized to look like a four-paned window. Each of the four sections represents one area of perception. Those areas are:

1. Free/Open- These are bits of information we know about ourselves and everyone else knows about us, too. This would be things that someone walking by could tell: our gender, our age range, eye and hair color. These are facts that are commonly accessible to all.

2. Hidden- This is the information about ourselves that is hidden from others, and only known to ourselves. These are our "secrets."

3. Blind- This is the area of our perception where we each have blind spots, and other people we are in relationship with know some things about us that we don't know ourselves. This is the area where tremendous growth is possible if we are open to learning more about how we are seen and experienced by our partner, our children, our parents, and others we are close to. It is also an area where feedback, if delivered well, can spur us on to be more self-aware.

4. Unknown- This is the area of understanding about things that neither we or those closest to us know about us.

If you wish, you can use the Johari's Window concept to grow yourself and your ability to integrate what those closest to you can tell you about your blind spots. When we become more fully known in a relationship over time, we ideally self-disclose, share more, and hide less of ourself with "secrets." This causes what therapists consider "deepening"of a relationship.

We can also become open to giving and asking for feedback from the intimate other. Feedback should never be given in anger or to relieve tension. The best relationship feedback is specific, descriptive, and non-judgmental. It is focused on the here and now, not the past. Don't give advice to the other person, simply share your perception of their behavior, and how it makes you feel in the relationship with them. Only give feedback if asked.

What a wonderful tool we have to use if we are willing to ask those closest to us from time to time questions like:

When do you feel closest to me emotionally?

When do you feel most disconnected from me?

What behaviors do I do that contribute to you feeling closer? More distant?

How am I doing in my relationship with you?

If we can be undefended about feedback, we can develop to be more loving, available, and connected with those who really matter. It's almost like those we love hold the information about our relational blind spots, and can guide us to become better people if we are open to it.

Perception really is our reality. Johari's Window helps us to see that there are often several realities from a relationship perspective. If we think we are always right, we are probably not taking seriously enough the growth we can make by learning about how we look and how the relationship looks from the other person's view. You might ask for a little feedback this week, and learn a little about yourself. It's a shift that will make you better, more grounded, and real.

When Someone You Love has Chronic Mental Illness

What if you have an adult son, daughter, parent or sibling who has serious mental illness? How can you help? How can you get them help? What is your role? How do you deal with your own feelings of loss, sadness, anger, frustration, worry or helplessness? How do you set some limits?

You may notice self-destructive behaviors, racing thoughts, delusions, hallucinations, or other breaks with reality. You might be aware of rapidly cycling moods in your loved one, or angry rants.

If your relative is under 18 years old, parents can intervene, and get a psychological evaluation. Your family member may be helped by medication and counseling. Parents have the legal right to seek mental health assessment for a minor child.

After age 18, the situation becomes much more difficult. The individual themselves has to be willing to get treatment unless they meet the specific criteria for involuntary hospitalization, which are: danger to self, danger to others or gravely disabled.

As a family member, it is essential that you get informed about mental health/chronic mental illness and get support for yourself. One of the best ways to do both is to contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness at www.nami.org  In many areas of the United States there is a local chapter of NAMI which offers information, support groups, lectures and more. In Orange County, California where I have my counseling practice, the local chapter can be reached at www.namioc.org/
Getting to know other families who are also dealing with a family member with severe mental illness, like schizophrenia, personality disorders and untreated bipolar disorder can be incredibly helpful.

Another valuable resource is your local Mental Health Association, which can help you identify local resources for a family member you are concerned about. In Orange County, our local chapter can be contacted at www.mhaoc.org/  If you live elsewhere in the US, contact the Mental Health America national office at mentalhealthamerica.net and they will put you in touch with your local MHA office.

If your family member has a personality disorder, be aware that many people who have this diagnosis do not see themselves as having a problem and will probably blame others and be reluctant to get help. There are different types of personality disorders, including narcissistic, borderline, paranoid, schizoid, schizotypal, antisocial, histrionic, avoidant, dependent, and obsessive-compulsive. All personality disorders are an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that varies far from what we normally expect. Most are difficult to treat, especially if the individual does not acknowledge their situation.

Family members need support in learning the best ways to help the mentally ill member, as well as how to set reasonable boundaries and limits for your own self-protection. For example, if you have an adult son or daughter who refuses to get help, but does not meet the strict criteria for involuntary hospitalization, you will need to sort through what your role will be. Perhaps you can see them and be emotionally supportive, but set limits that you will not accept physical, emotional or verbal abuse. It might be that you can help the grandchildren. You might be willing to help with the cost of some treatment, depending on your circumstances. You might be able to see them in limited amounts and provide emotional support, but not have them live with you.

A family therapist can help you learn not be codependent, and sort out how you can help and how you can  take care of yourself as well. Many people with chronic mental illness won't consistently take their prescribed medication or participate in talk therapy. As a family member who cares you won't be able to fix everything for another adult. Figuring out what you can do to help, and what is beyond your limits is key.

Money, Relationships, and Power

The March 26, 2012 issue of Time magazine had an interesting article with fresh statistics on changes that have been occuring for women, men, and the balance of power in close relationships.

For example, 40% of working women make more than their partner does. In our children's generation, more families may be supported by women than men. Many men have been displaced from the workplace or are under-employed through the last few years of downturn in our global economy. Some careers have been permanently dismantled as industries change.

Here are some of the other trends:

• In dual-earner couples,women contributed an average of 44% of family income in 2008, up from 39% in 1997.
• Women out-earn men in part-time work, but men still earn more on an hourly basis in full-time work.
• Less than 1 in 5 married couples are supported by the husband alone.
• The percentage of children born to unmarried mothers has increased from 5% in 1960 to 41% in 2010.
• Women work more paid hours than ever, up from .6 hrs per week in 1965 to 22.2 hours per week in 2010.
• Most men do more to help at home than they did in the past. Men have about tripled the weekly time contributions they make to housework (up from .5 hours in 1960 to 2 hours a week in 2010), child care (up from 2.6 hours a week to 6.4 hours), and food prep and cleanup (up from .9 hours per week to 2.7 hours a week).

Women's increased earning power gives them more economic influence, at home and in the marketplace. A study by Pew Research Center found that when the husband brings in more income, buying decisions are made equally most often.When the wife earns greater income, she typically makes twice as many buying decisions as the man.

More households are headed by successful single women.Women's increased earning power steps up their confidence in asking for what they want and negotiating factors in relationships along new non-traditional lines. There are more unmarried couples living together and negotiating tasks and roles.

Earning power seems to make women more desireable. A 2001 study by University of Texas at Austin psychology professor David Buss and his colleagues found that from 1950 to 2000, there was a huge shift in how much weight men gave to a partner's earning power, relative to domestic skills.

Economic trends often require changes in society and relationships. In our lives, and certainly in our children and grandchildren's lives to come, these changes will impact their lives and choices. Girls need to prepare to have the training for a career so they have their own base of power from which to negotiate. Both girls and boys need to learn to participate fully in caring for children, sharing household tasks, managing money, and making decisions. No damsels in distress needed, better to help our damsels aim for success, instead. Earning more shouldn't give either partner the ability to dominate decision making or hold all the power. Mutual respect is still the key, and valuing each partner's contributions, whether at home, or in the marketplace.

In an upcoming book by Liza Mundy, called The Richer Sex,will be published in 2012 by Simon and Schuster, and go more in depth about some of the trends featured here and in the Time article.

In the future, money, decision-making power, and task assignments won't be able to be made only on gender assignment. None of these topics can be taboo before partners plan a life together. Instead of role assignments, perhaps we can shift to roles that are shared, or are preferred by the individuals involved, or with consideration for maximizing family earning power. Parenting will be more of a shared hands-on task in two-parent families. More children will be raised in single parent families.

Our world is changing, and our task is to adjust to it, and welcome less rigid roles to play as we partner, live, raise children, and create balance between work and family life.You know what this means: less assumptions, and more discussion about who does what, and how we create a life together. These changes might have a bright side. I always like less assumptions, and more discussion! We can't use the template of earlier generations in gender roles, family responsiblities, handling money, decision-making, and the distribution of power. It's time to create our own way, and respect the unique, differing gifts that we each bring to relationships and our shared life together.

Staying Power: I Won't Give Up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1-4u9W-bns

Recently I heard a beautiful new song by singer/songwriter Jason Mraz called"I Won't Give Up."

It has a very pretty melody, but I especially liked the message of the lyrics. It always amazes me how music can go places and reach us in ways that words alone often can't.

Years ago, when I was working with cancer patients and doing hospice counseling, I had the honor of getting to work with an interdisciplinary team from the hospital that included a very gifted music therapist. She would play favorite songs or hymns for our mutual patients on the oncology floor at the hospital, or on our home visits with patients who were on hospice at the very end of their lives. Incredible things happened. Sometimes a patient who was relatively withdrawn or unresponsive would brighten and remember favorite songs from the past. They might even sing the lyrics from memory. Music can really impact each of us in powerful and healing ways.

At times, music can express emotional states and experiences, and capture them for us. With Mraz's new song, I felt moved by his message. "I Won't Give Up" is a powerful statement of resiliency, faith, and hope. When I am working at counseling couples, I am often struck by how much we need to dig deep and really try to learn and grow in intimate relationships.

It may seem easier to give up when we realize key differences between ourself and the other person, but the easiest choice isn't always our best path for growing into a stronger, more flexible, more loving person. Holding onto the resolve to choose to stay and grow can be a powerful life decision. If we give up easily, we avoid growth. Couples therapist and researcher John Gottman talks about each couple having a few perpetual, unresolvable issues. What matters is learning to dialogue about them with love and respect. Guess what happens if you trade in your partner and get a new one? Answer: You get a whole new set of perpetual,unsolvable issues you will come to identify within a couple of years. Grow now, or grow later. It's your choice.

There are situations where committed relationships should end. If your partner is abusive, refusing to deal with their addictive/chemically dependent behavior, or putting you and your children at risk with their dangerous behavior, you must act. You must give up to protect yourself and any children in such circumstances.

In many committed relationships, however, I encourage couples to dig deep and stay close through challenges. Mraz's song talks of hanging in there even if the"skies are dark." His lyrics also reference understanding differences with your partner, appreciating and accepting them. Mraz notes the value of learning to be flexible, and understanding how being a better, less rigid partner will help you grow personally. I often am struck by how powerful it is to help couples see that there are usually two correct (and different) perspectives on whatever issue they are stuck on. File this under,"Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"

It occurs to me also with our children and teenagers, it is helpful to cultivate this "I Won't Give Up" mindset, even if they are going through a particularly difficult phase where they are acting out, rude, defiant, depressed, angry, etc. Keep on providing the calm, loving presence and set those limits. Get professional help. Find someone who can test and guide them if they are having learning issues. Find a good family therapist to help if the relationship between parent and child is breaking down. Work through it until you get to the other side. You will be glad you did for the rest of your life.

Even in thinking about individuals, this need to never lose hope is relevant. We may go through very difficult or disheartening experiences, but it is important to assess the impact, do extreme self care, and begin again. Some very challenging life experiences teach us, grow us, and tenderize us. I call it the Appreciation School of Life, because when better things happen later in life, you profoundly appreciate it. Don't give up on yourself.

I guess, upon reflection, I like Jason Mraz's new song so much because as a therapist, I feel much of what I spend my life working with people on is really, at the core, about resiliency and hope. Learning to grow from the losses and challenges in life is essential. Holding onto hope for rebuilding or strengthening your relationship, believing in yourself to go on, and not giving up on your children all have something in common. It all takes the ability to hang in there, and being open to learning and growing along the journey of your life. I wouldn't trade this work for any other work I can think of. It feels like a privilege to help people recapture their strength, hope, and ability to do better as they know more. Nice job, Jason.

Think Before Texting

As technology advances, people have to figure out the new rules for using it. In movie theatres, restaurants, and public places, it can be annoying and rude to have people loudly talking away on cell phones about trivia, or other personal things. We are having to adjust to a new level of awareness about how and where to have conversations and send text messages. We each need to think through how our behaviors impact our relationships and even the strangers around us. Just because we can be reached at any moment doesn't mean it's a good idea. We need to set some limits. We need to know when to turn the technology off, and be what I call "fully available now."

This week, I have had people share their hurt about having to ask their parent, child, or partner to put away their phone during a meal and be present. This is not an advance for our society. How do we sort through the useful purposes of texting, for example, but limit the damage being done using it?

When is texting helpful as a means of communicating? It's a great parenting resource for staying in touch with your teen or tween when they are out doing something with friends, or a beginning driver. They can text you when they leave, and when they arrive. You can ask them to keep their phone on so that you can reach them if needed. You can ask them to text you if they want to change locations, say from one friend's house to another's.

Text messaging can be a useful way to send a brief fact, for example, the time of a meeting, or the fact that you will be 5 minutes late. Many of my teen and busy adult patients find it easier and more convenient to text or e-mail me to set up appointments. Sending a text could be a sweet way to stay positively connected to another person, as in wishing them well on a speech, presentation, big meeting, or test. It could be a loving text that lets your partner or child know you are thinking of them, or love them. Consider whether a live phone call could be even better at times.

When is texting a bad idea? Having a fight or disagreement by text is a horrible idea. This mode of disagreeing is filled with pitfalls. The other person won't be able to tell your tone. They can't read your facial expressions or body language. Ninety percent of what we pick up from another person comes through tone of voice, body and facial expression. Only ten percent of our information about a message is gotten from the content of what someone communicates to you. Plus, do you really want someone you care about to have a lasting written record of something you typed quickly in anger without thinking it through? This can be very hurtful, and a little like using a submachine gun when a much smaller weapon will do. Save disagreements for face-to face discussion, where you will get the nuances, have fewer potential misfirings in your communication, and be able to repair things. Something about the speed and ease of firing off an angry text message frees people to get meaner than they ever would in person. Once written and sent, you can't take it back.

There are also some kinds of bad news that should never be communicated by text message. More care and humanity is needed than is possible in a text message if you are breaking off a relationship, ending a friendship, firing someone, or delivering news about a death, illness, or other serious topic. Text messages work better for brief facts, sharing encouragement or a quick text of connection. No bombshells, please. You don't know when and where the other person will be when they get a bad news text, so try never to send one. It's not the right vehicle.

When I teach couples safe ways to really work out disagreements, I ask them to argue or discuss things that matter by appointment with each other. Timing matters. If your partner asks you to have a difficult conversation, you can put away your phone, ipad, laptop, turn off the tv, and consciously decide to be"fully available now." It feels wonderful to be heard in this way, free of distractions.

Some years back, on a trip to New York city, I watched as a beautiful moment between a father and son got ruined by a cell phone. The father and small boy were in a little boat in the lake at Central Park, and the boy was fascinated by some baby ducklings and tried to engage his dad, who was completely focused on his cell phone call. Moment missed.

It seems to me that we need some no texting zones. Not just movie theatres, but at the dinner table, in the bedroom, on family outings, date nights, at church, plays, while driving, and more. Being intentionally present and not distracted is a gift we can give ourselves and those we care about. We can teach our children and teens about these new gray areas of communication, and engage them in the dialogue about what kind of commmunication medium is best for what. (For example, don't ask your best girl to prom or break up with your boyfriend by text.)

Do we need new rules for texting? I think so. Texting can be another resource for parenting, connecting, or scheduling, or it can be a distracting, destructive force. The choice is ours!

Life Lessons from Frank Lloyd Wright

While I was in Chicago this past week,I had the opportunity to visit and take an architectual tour of Frank lloyd Wright's home in Spring Valley,Wisconsin, which he called Taliesin.The home is on a protected space of 600 acres of low,rolling hills overlooking a beautiful river.The word Taliesin comes from his Welsh family background,and it means brow of the hill,descibing how the home creates a brow on the edge of the hills.This place is also still the home base for the Frank Lloyd Wright Fellowship,where advanced architecture students still compete to come and live here to learn about his style of architecture.

Wright is the best known American architect of the 20th century,and founded the idea of organic architecture,involving the inclusion of nature,light,and natural elements in his homes and buildings in an innovative way that had never been done before. Wright disdained the "boxes" that most architects constructed for people to live and work in.

Wright was a self-made man,incredibly visionary and talented.He didn't finish college,and often lied about his education,training,and his age,making himself two years younger as he got older.His commission of Fallingwater,an exquisite home built interlaced and sort of spilling down a waterfall in Bear Run,Pennsylvania,had engineering issues,but was selected years after Wright's death in 1959 as the most important American building of the twentieth century by a society of American architects.

Wright changed the way people think about living and work space,realizing that people have a deep need to bring in light,art, and nature into their everyday lives.He was years ahead on understanding how disconnection from nature becomes a problem in modern life.Even now,in 2011,mental health experts are considering creating a new mental health diagnosis in urban life for a future version of our diagnostic manual,the DSM-IV,tenatively called Nature Deficit Disorder.

While brilliant in some areas,Wright had some flat sides.His personal life was a mess.In Pulitzer Prize-winning critic Ada Huxtable's biography,"Frank Lloyd Wright:A Life",she explains how compicated it was. Wright fathered 8 children,but said he had NO fathering instinct,and physically and emotionally abandoned at least 7 of them.This was strickingly similar to Wright's father departing after his parent's divorce and having no contact with him after leaving.

Wright was raised by his emotionally unstable mother and her family.He never attended his father's funeral,but is known to have visited his grave a number of times alone over the years.In his own writings,Wright described the architect swallowing his father role. Life lesson:horrible plan,and very damaging to the chidren all their lives to have him physically and emotionally absent.Divorced fathers are still very much needed in their children's lives.No other man ever takes your unique place in your children's lives.Judith Wallerstein,Ph.D.,and her researchers for the center for the Family in Transition in Mill Valley,California have done 50 year longitudinal studies following the children of divorced families,and abandonment by father after divorce is about the WORST possible outcome of divorce.

Wright's relationship with his mother was peculiar as well.She doted an him and enabled his poor choices while ignoring or even being abusive of his sisters and step-siblings.He didn't bother to attend her funeral either,but she gave him the land for Taliesin,where he had grown up.Her large portrait is nearby his desk,over the fireplace in the office he worked from at Taliesin.They seemed to have an odd, love-hate dynamic between them.

Wright married 3 times,and left his first wife in tremendous scandal reported in Chicago newspapers in 1911.He left his first wife and children in financially dire circumstances to have a long-term love affair with trhe also married wife of one of his clients.She left her husband and small children to run away with Wright to Europe.Wright's mother forgave all his blind spots,and helped finance the building of Taliesin for Wright and his lover to live in,outside the public view of living in Chicago.Wright begrudgingly let his mother live with him both in Chicago,and later in Taliesin,since he had huge financial problems,creditors calling,and bankruptcy concerns,and she contributed land and resources.Life lessons:special relationships where you remain financially dependent on a parent are not healthy,and it is important for parents NOT to feed a child's narcissism or sense of entitlement.

Frank Lloyd Wright was an incredibly inspired and talented architect,and changed architecture with his ability to literally look outside the box.In his personal life,Wright's oversized ego and concern for image made him unwise in his personal relationships,and irresponsibe with his finances.He was a terrible father and husband,and used young architects to his own advantage.Frank Lloyd Wright was a fascinating study of a man who was enviable in his talent,vision,and energy to reinvent himself,but with incredible deficits in relationships,and gaps in his practical skills,honesty,and ability to spiritually mature across his lifetime to mentor others.It is intriguing to me that someone who could be so in touch with nature and the essential needs of the human spirit for beauty could have flat sides in the critical areas of parenting,life balance,being financially grounded,and living with integrity and honesty in close relationships.

Please Move Off Center Stage

Sometimes it's all about you. It's your birthday,your wedding,your graduation day,celebrating your career milestone,a new job,or a key success. Maybe it's about you because you are seriously ill, have a family member dying, are ending a love relationship or marriage,or struggling through some other significant loss,and you need support. It's okay to need and/or want to be center stage at these times and ask those close to you to give you special support and consideration.It's appropriate and normal to want to be on center stage at defining moments like these,where your needs take precedence for a while.I enjoy helping couples and families rally together at celebratory times and difficult times.Bonding together at these times defines close,meaningful relationships and families.

Sometimes it's really NOT about you,and you need to move away from center stage and sit in the balcony with the supporting cast. You need to transcend selfishness and narcissism,and suit up and do was is needed to support the other people in your life. It is one of their moments to take the stage. When another person you are close to is celebrating a key accomplishment,or suffering a loss, it is poor form and bad sportsmanship to demand center stage for yourself.Relationships are a team sport. Being able to empathize,nourish,and be there for others in a genuine way is a critically important relational skill.

Narcissists cannot be flexible and adapt to changing needs.They feel so starved for attention at all times that they feel threatened by anybody else getting a turn on center stage. Healthy,adaptive individuals realize that while being center stage feels good,being mature enough to sit in the balcony and cheer on other family members is pretty wonderful,too.Strong families and functional people take turns,and don't hog the spotlight.They understand that intimacy is about not only taking,but being needed and having something to give back to others in a reciprocal fashion.

Move out of center stage this week,and observe what happens.There may be some quiet people that need a turn.Surrender the demand,the control and the attention,and offer someone else a chance.Being a good audience is a really important role,too.What good is a play with an empty theatre?