Never Enough: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

I recently reread Dr. Karyl McBride's excellent book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? (Free Press, 2008). Its a useful resource for adult women who are trying to heal old wounds from a narcissistic mother. McBride estimates that there are over 1.5 million American women that are narcissists, and if one of them is your mother, you have probably been damaged by her insecurity, overbearingness, insensitivity and domineering personality.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers grow up understanding that mom is only happy with them if they do what she wants. The maternal love is entirely conditional. Mom is unreasonable and unrealistic about what she expects. She withholds love if she's not pleased.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can feel empty, sad, disappointed, and like they are somehow not enough. I liked this poignant quote from Jan Waldron in McBride's book: "An adult woman can hunt for and find her own value. She can graduate herself into importance. But during the shaky span from childhood to womanhood, a girl needs help in determining her worth---and no one can anoint her like her mother."

Girls are vulnerable to whatever is happening with their mothers. Daughters can feel that they are valued for what they do rather than who they are. They may feel unlovable. It might be difficult to trust their own feelings. They may fear becoming like mother emotionally.

Here are some questions to help you determine if you are being affected by your mother's narcissism:

1. Do you find yourself constantly trying to get her approval, love, and attention but without success?

2. Did your mother emphasize how it looks to her rather than how it feels to you?

3. Is your mother jealous of you?

4. Does your mother not support your healthy expressions of self, especially when they conflict with her needs?

5. In your family, is it always about Mom?

6. Is it difficult for mom to empathize with others?

7. Does Mom have difficulty dealing with her own her own feelings? Is she limited to expressing anger,coldness and neutral? Does she have trouble letting others have or express their own(different) feelings?

8. Is Mom critical and judgmental of you?

9. Does your mother treat you like a friend, rather than as her daughter? Is she needy and trying to always get your attention and support?

10. Is it hard to have any privacy or boundaries from your mother?

Daughters of narcissistic mothers need to examine the negative messages they have absorbed from their mothers, and begin their own healing process. You can learn to replace the unhealthy maternal voice inside you for a healthier one that allows you to set your own boundaries, feel your own feelings and take good care of yourself. With counseling and self-reflection, you can begin to become a different kind of woman and mother than the one you grew up with. Good mothers don't engulf their daughters and tell them what to think, feel, do and wear.

Becoming your authentic self means overcoming the neediness and expectations of a narcissistic mother, and learning to love differently with your own partner and children. Breaking the patterns of narcissism in your family will help the next generation be mothered differently. McBride's book is a valuable read to get you started thinking about how you might have been impacted by a narcissistic mother, and begin the healing.

Wild: Creating Your Own Renewal Rituals

A new movie was released this week called Wild, featuring an excellent lead actress performance by Reese Witherspoon. Witherspoon plays writer Cheryl Strayed, who published the bestseller memoir Wild in 2012. Strayed has commented this week that she hadn't planned for her book to be a self-help book, but has noticed that it has hit an inspirational chord with many women.

Strayed's book portrays her as a flawed protagonist. She is at a transition point in her life: her marriage is ending, she's trying to give up her drug use, and she's never grieved the loss of her mother. She decides to hike the 1,000 mile Pacific Coast Trail, by herself. The journey gives her time to think and to process what has happened in her life, as well as challenge herself in very difficult conditions. The hike turns out to be transformational in her life. After she returns, she goes on to become an author, teach writing, remarry and raise a family of her own.

Wild lets the reader or movie fan watch the unfolding of Cheryl Strayed' s testing her own limits, learning about herself, and the emotional process of letting go of her marriage and her mother. The movie features Laura Dern in a standout performance as Cheryl's mother.

Wild has similar themes to Joan Anderson's 1999 book A Year by the Sea, where she tells of her year in a cottage at Cape Cod as she lives alone and takes a break from her long-term marriage to learn about herself. Anderson steps away from the busyness of her regular life and roles to do some important self-discovery. She realizes that in fulfilling her roles as a wife and mother, (and once her boys were raised) that her own hopes and dreams had been overtaken by those of others. In rediscovering herself, Anderson finds her true nature and new possibilities for her life. Anderson is just a more traditional woman, with a discovery journey that comes later in life, after raising her family.

Both books explore the value of women taking their own journey of self-discovery, outside of their relationships to other people. Women can be so focused on pleasing and caring for others that they don't have an opportunity to consider the dictates of their own heart. Learning to be alone with yourself and enjoy your own company is important, even if you don't want to hike the Pacific Coast Trail by yourself.

Men as well as women can benefit from the idea of taking on a challenge after going through a life transition or ending. After the end of a close relationship, or the end of a chapter of your life, setting  a new goal for yourself to work towards could allow you a positive focus and a chance to reflect, integrate and grow. We all need to develop our own personal rituals for self-renewal, and cultivate the ability to be alone without being lonely. Your own self-renewal can be different than Cheryl's or Joan's, but you can use their journeys for inspiration.

'Tis The Season : 10 Holiday Tips to Keep You Merry

December brings up a lot of different things for people. It can bring stress if you get overwhelmed by all the tasks you have to get through. December can bring up memories of past holidays, whether sad or joyful. It can bring up grief if you are dealing with a loss this past year or two. For children, the holiday season often brings anticipation. Some adults feel the gravitational pull of their family of origin sucking them back in to unhealthy patterns.

Even one of the founders of family therapy, Murray Bowen, wrote an essay called "Going Home" in which he explained how he could be a happily individuated adult most of the year, but could regress when back visiting his parents, like at holiday times. It is so easy to get pulled in to old patterns if you're not conscious and intentional.

Here are some ideas for staying emotionally healthy during December and into the New Year:

1. If you have experienced a loss this year --- the death of a close family member or close friend, a divorce, separation or break-up, or a move far from your support system, be patient with yourself during the holidays. You will need to rethink of all your usual December traditions so you can decide whether you want to keep or change them this year. Be flexible with your plans, and don't take on too much. Focus on what will be comforting and supportive.

2. Stay an adult this holiday season. Reconsider demands and expectations made by your family of origin, or your partner's family. Part of individuating is making choices about what is meaningful and enjoyable for you, rather than just doing things by autopilot.

3. Give yourself permission to mix up old patterns. At family gatherings, exercise your power to move closer and visit with the family members you really enjoy and admire. Move away from the negative and toxic people.

4. Keep up your healthy self-care patterns throughout this busy month: keep exercising, eating healthy (even if it's before a holiday party so you're not tempted to eat the wrong things), and get enough sleep and alone time.

5. Share the tasks. Women often feel more burden for holiday tasks. I always encourage families I see in family counseling to hold a family meeting to get everyone signed up to share holiday tasks. Sort through the regular tasks to check and make sure that you focus on holiday traditions that bring joy, as opposed to those that are just an energy drain. People enjoy the holidays more when they help create them, so don't do it all yourself. Share the cooking, the shopping, the decorating and wrapping. Even small children can have fun wrapping gifts if you loosen your standards and provide lots of tape.

6. Get outside yourself. Reach out to an elderly neighbor or volunteer with a local food bank or charity which needs extra help during December in your local community. I promise it will lift your spirits, no matter what you have going on in your own life. Develop your spiritual side.

7. Say 'no' to invitations which sound emotionally taxing. Carry your own boundaries throughout the season. Preserve some down time.

8. Go for the joy. Be sure to sprinkle in some holiday joy. What are the sensory experiences that will activate your creativity, senses and holiday memories? Do you like to smell cookies baking or walk through a Christmas tree lot? Would you enjoy looking at happy photos of holidays past? Could you enjoy a holiday Christmas movie fest? Do you delight in hanging some festive lights? Spending time with children also helps you rekindle the joy of the season.

9. Break up the visit. If you are visiting family during the holiday season or you will be hosting family staying at your house, think through ways to streamline and make the visit less intense. Have some breakfast foods out that guests can do self-serve. Get out for a walk by yourself, and get those endorphins pumping. Don't expect yourself to be "on" for days at a time. Taking a break from hosting or being hosted can help everyone stay less frayed. Help guests to do some things independently if possible.

10. As New Year's Day approaches, think about creating a vision board for 2015. You can use a piece of poster board to pull out pictures and ideas that inspire you in how you want to grow and what you want to experience in the beautiful new year ahead of us. It will serve to remind you that the holidays, while stressful, are fleeting. The last month of the year is a great time to begin setting your intensions for an emotionally healthy 2015, with new goals and new plans.

Move as lightly as you can through the next 4 weeks. A few last inspiring pre-holiday thoughts:

If you are facing a judgmental or critical family, or tend towards perfectionism: "The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." -Anna Quindlen

If you're worn out by holiday crowds and shopping: "Sharing the holiday with other people, and feeling that you're giving of yourself, gets you past all the commercialism." -Caroline Kennedy

If you need inspiration: "The holiday season is a time for storytelling, and whether you are hearing the story of a candelabra staying lit for more than a week, or a baby born in a barn without proper medical supervision, these stories are about miracles." -Lemony Snicket

Take good care of yourself as you navigate a healthy holiday season. Be sensitive to what you are needing, rather than do things just out of obligation. Give yourself permission to do December your own way.

When Someone You Love has Chronic Mental Illness

What if you have an adult son, daughter, parent or sibling who has serious mental illness? How can you help? How can you get them help? What is your role? How do you deal with your own feelings of loss, sadness, anger, frustration, worry or helplessness? How do you set some limits?

You may notice self-destructive behaviors, racing thoughts, delusions, hallucinations, or other breaks with reality. You might be aware of rapidly cycling moods in your loved one, or angry rants.

If your relative is under 18 years old, parents can intervene, and get a psychological evaluation. Your family member may be helped by medication and counseling. Parents have the legal right to seek mental health assessment for a minor child.

After age 18, the situation becomes much more difficult. The individual themselves has to be willing to get treatment unless they meet the specific criteria for involuntary hospitalization, which are: danger to self, danger to others or gravely disabled.

As a family member, it is essential that you get informed about mental health/chronic mental illness and get support for yourself. One of the best ways to do both is to contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness at www.nami.org  In many areas of the United States there is a local chapter of NAMI which offers information, support groups, lectures and more. In Orange County, California where I have my counseling practice, the local chapter can be reached at www.namioc.org/
Getting to know other families who are also dealing with a family member with severe mental illness, like schizophrenia, personality disorders and untreated bipolar disorder can be incredibly helpful.

Another valuable resource is your local Mental Health Association, which can help you identify local resources for a family member you are concerned about. In Orange County, our local chapter can be contacted at www.mhaoc.org/  If you live elsewhere in the US, contact the Mental Health America national office at mentalhealthamerica.net and they will put you in touch with your local MHA office.

If your family member has a personality disorder, be aware that many people who have this diagnosis do not see themselves as having a problem and will probably blame others and be reluctant to get help. There are different types of personality disorders, including narcissistic, borderline, paranoid, schizoid, schizotypal, antisocial, histrionic, avoidant, dependent, and obsessive-compulsive. All personality disorders are an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that varies far from what we normally expect. Most are difficult to treat, especially if the individual does not acknowledge their situation.

Family members need support in learning the best ways to help the mentally ill member, as well as how to set reasonable boundaries and limits for your own self-protection. For example, if you have an adult son or daughter who refuses to get help, but does not meet the strict criteria for involuntary hospitalization, you will need to sort through what your role will be. Perhaps you can see them and be emotionally supportive, but set limits that you will not accept physical, emotional or verbal abuse. It might be that you can help the grandchildren. You might be willing to help with the cost of some treatment, depending on your circumstances. You might be able to see them in limited amounts and provide emotional support, but not have them live with you.

A family therapist can help you learn not be codependent, and sort out how you can help and how you can  take care of yourself as well. Many people with chronic mental illness won't consistently take their prescribed medication or participate in talk therapy. As a family member who cares you won't be able to fix everything for another adult. Figuring out what you can do to help, and what is beyond your limits is key.

Parenting as a Team

I like it when parents get on the same team in parenting. Children and teens really respond better to it. Being on the same page really helps the parent's marriage as well. Nobody wants to play the bad cop all the time.

I taught Active Parenting classes for years, and still call on the program's clear description of the three most common parenting styles when I'm counseling parents and families.
The three parenting styles are:

Dictators: Set clear rules but enforce them by screaming, yelling, threats, spanking, punishment and taking things away. This style might work for a while, depending on your child or teen's  temperament, but at some point your child will shut you out and stop confiding in you. (Think about it- would you open up with a problem to a parent who yelled at you?)

Doormats: These parents either don't have rules or they only enforce them at times. Other times they let things slide, and their children and teens often get too much power by learning to manipulate these softies. Doormat parents are loving, but don't set limits effectively. The children of doormats may be delayed in developing skills for independent living in their future.

Active Parents: Have clear rules that are developed with the children and are consistently enforced. Active parents use natural and logical consequences, and offer choices. They try their best to stay calm and reasonable. Active parents care about being loving and approachable, but also raising children who can accept limits. They give children and teens expanding or contracting limits based on how responsible they are being.

Can you identify your parenting style here? How about the styles your own parents used?

Just imagine the challenges and resentment that develops when one parent is a dictator and the other parent can see how they are alienating their child. Equally bad is when one parent is a doormat parent and the remaining parent feels undermined because they are always the heavy in the parenting department. When both parents are doormats, children learn to manipulate to get their own way.

Whether parents are married, divorced or single, parenting from the active parenting style (where you are loving, but carry consequences, choices and clearly defined limits) is the way to go. We want to parent with the end game in mind: raising caring, loving, responsible and independent young adults who contribute to the world around them.  Consider holding weekly family meetings with school age children to get the whole team working in the same direction on cooperation, chores, homework, the morning and evening routine. Children need a place to have a say about what is going on in the family, and how we can work together to improve it.

If you are overwhelmed as a parent, or find yourself yelling or frustrated with your children, consider taking a parenting class or meeting with a family therapist who can help you and your partner get on the same team and build a less stressful, better family. Even divorced parents are actually still on the same team in terms of the parenting until every child is successfully launched into adult life. Let's work together and keep that goal in mind.

Giving Ourselves Permission: Women Pursuing Dreams of their Own

I like to ask women of all ages in counseling about their hopes and dreams, and what they would really be doing if they could. Too many women are awaiting permission from someone else to go for really want to be doing, creating or experiencing.

Writer Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote Eat, Pray, Love speaks and writes about the importance of women giving themselves the opportunity to define their own life purpose, and considering  other paths than our mothers and grandmothers took.  Other women want to be brave enough to choose the same path their mother followed.

The messages that girls get while they are growing up often encourage women to defer, consider the needs of others, and accommodate. While awareness of the needs of others is valuable, women and girls need encouragement to develop their own dreams and their own voice in relationships and planning their lives.

Here are some of the situations where I want to have us all encourage the women in our lives:

To have life goals beyond being a parent or wife.

To decide to work it out to be a stay-at home-parent and raise our own children if we choose to.

To take time to develop our friendships with other women.

To end relationships that are abusive, demean or belittle us.

To start a business of our own.

To recreate our lives when children are grown if we choose to.

To create art.

To tackle issues, causes and problems we care about.

To do things that make us happy.

To spend time alone, in our own company.

To advocate and speak up on our own behalf.

To set our own goals.

To challenge ourselves.

To be brave.

To keep learning new things.

To ask for what you really want, at work and in your relationships.

To develop and utilize your talents and gifts.

It's important to encourage the girls and women in our lives to nurture their own dreams, and not just support the dreams of others. Being "nice" is overrated and doesn't really make you fulfilled. There are no prizes for suffering or being a martyr.

As women we deal with the way we were raised, and the feminine archetype of being selfless and all giving, which may set us up to be pleasers. It is essential to listen to that still small intuitive voice inside us which wants to express who we really are, outside of roles and other people's needs and expectations.

Perhaps now is a good time to be asking yourself what you could give yourself permission to do that would make you more fully alive and closer to your own true north. Maybe the permission you need is really your own.

Why Sooner Is Better For Couples Counseling

Men can be reluctant to come in for counseling. Often it's their partner who talks them into coming. Men can be depressed and not want to talk about it. Sometimes women start the conversation about getting couples counseling, and men can drag their feet until the marriage is at a breaking point.

It makes me sad as a couples therapist to see people delay and let a relationship deteriorate without getting professional help. Divorce is expensive and emotionally difficult for both adults and the children involved. Why ignore the signs of relationship tension, your distress or your partners? What if you wait too long and it's too late to save things?

What if we shifted the paradigm to working on couples or individual concerns when they are still small? I think we could prevent a host of relationship cancers developing. Even a tune-up, a couple of sessions with a couples therapist can help you get things back on track, more connected and communicating better. Sooner is better!

What are signs a couple should get some counseling, because there are couples issues developing?

1. One or both partners feel unappreciated.

2. Physical affection is tapering off or stopped. You don't hug, kiss, hold hands or have physical intimacy. You can't talk about your physical needs and preferences with your partner comfortably.

3. You are completely consumed by your children's needs and there is no energy or time left for you as a couple.

4. You can't recall your last date night with each other.

5. You are sleeping in separate bedrooms, or different places in the house.

6. You feel misunderstood on a frequent basis.

7. Your partner won't listen.

8. You can't solve problems together.

9. You're not having any fun together.

10. You don't feel respected by your partner and/or you don't respect them.

11. You or your partner are not emotionally available for any reason: working too many hours, alcoholism, substance abuse.

12. Your parenting styles conflict. One of you always has to be the bad cop.

13. One or both of you shut down, pout, threaten divorce, swear, rage, scream or otherwise make communication impossible. You can't fight fairly.

14. One of you doesn't set appropriate boundaries with others: your family or friends of the opposite sex.

15. There are difficult conversations you need to have with your partner, but you don't feel safe to have them.

Any of these relationship issues is so much easier and quicker to fix sooner rather than later. While counseling is a cost, you must consider what your happiness is worth. If your relationship isn't satisfying, not much else in life is enjoyable. When it comes to solving couples, family or individual counseling issues, recognize the value and intelligence of a tune-up rather than waiting for the point of no return. Why suffer with a mediocre relationship, when you can co-create something much better with some coaching and effort? Life's too short not to go for the marriage you really want. It makes me so happy to be a part of making that happen for couples.