In Praise of Bedtime, and A Little Structure From Parents

Fall is just around the corner, and I'm helping the families I see in family counseling set up some structure and a game plan for family life for the busy school year ahead. Summer is a time to loosen up the family structure and stay up later, do more outside, take time to vacation and rest up. In September, it's time for the family architects (the parents) to get back on track and communicate with the whole family about how they can help and work together collaboratively.

Too many families have too little structure, and end up being chaotic, messy, and angrier than necessary. If you have school-age children, here is a check-list of things to consider to avoid family chaos and crankiness:

1. Bedtimes- I don't like to see teens up until 2AM then trying to get up for school. Even though most teens stay up late during the summer, I encourage you to talk with your teen ASAP about beginning the shift to an earlier wind-down. Teens actually need more sleep than adults or some younger children. Turning off electronics an hour before bed helps brains cool down and prepare for sleep.

Younger children need bedtimes, too. They need a consistent bedtime routine (think bath time, stories/reading, tucking in/quiet, gentle talking with a parent, then lights out).

Parents also need some relaxing, adult time before bed, which is impossible if you all go to bed at midnight.

2. Get Everyone Sleeping in Their Own Rooms- With the exception of tiny babies, I much prefer we get parents sleeping in their bedroom and the children sleeping in their rooms. This helps everyone get a better night's sleep, helps us maintain appropriate parent/child boundaries, and helps children develop their ability to self comfort. Get started early on this project, because it's much more difficult to clean up this problem when the children are older. If you have an anxious child, go spend time in their room for a while, but don't sleep in their room, and don't have them sleep in yours. This is even more important for single parents. Don't make your child your companion. Adults need some grown up time after children are in bed. Set clear guidelines and enforce them with consistency.

3. Chores- The start of the fall season is a great natural time to set up a simple new chore system. If your kids missed that because they had a nanny when they were younger or you got used to handling everything, start today. Make a list of age appropriate chores, and have all children age 4 and up pick a few, possibly 2 or 3 things they promise to help with that month. Rotate tasks and choose again each month so nobody gets stuck with the trash cans, or some other unappealing task, all the time. Have the children help make a reminder list to post on the fridge which specifies who will do what and when. Have the kids help you set up consequences in advance for any family member who flakes on their chore. Being a family isn't just about receiving, but also about contributing. I recommend that even adult children who live at home while going to college, or after college, get some chores, too. Each person picking up after themselves, making their bed and straightening up the basics in their bedroom and bathroom should definitely be included in this.

4. Allowance- If you don't have a system set up, the fall is a great time to start one up. I like some small amount of money even for little ones as young as 5 or 6. It's a great teaching tool, where you can have them save some, give some to charity, and have some to spend. For older kids, it's a great way not to get nickeled and dimed at stores by the children. They need to plan, bring their own money, and learn to evaluate whether a purchase is really worth it. They can also learn to exercise the self-control to save for an important goal. Some parents link chores to allowance, while others prefer to keep the two as distinct.

5. Morning and Evening Routines- These are the two most high-conflict times for families. Talk with your partner, and then with the children about creating a smooth new morning routine, and ask them each to make a list for themselves of what they need to do.  I prefer everyone gets up a few minutes earlier to make that busy time less hectic. Try to get the children to agree to shower, prep their backpack, pack a lunch, and select school clothes the night before if at all possible. Many girls can really lose time in the morning selecting an outfit. Consider eliminating the third parent, the television set, at these busy times by keeping it off. Start as early as you can to have the children wake up to their own alarm rather than depending on you. It's cute when they are little, but aggravating if you lose the window of opportunity on this task and your high school senior is mad that you didn't keep trying to wake them up after multiple attempts.

6. Family Meetings- I recommend them as a great tool for communicating and working more effectively as a family. Often Sunday night at dinner works best. Parents plan the agenda. Limit it to 10 to 20 minutes, depending on children's attention spans. I always recommend meetings occur at a mealtime. Put a sheet of paper on the fridge so the children and teens can add agenda items. Have each family member, adults and kids, bring a specific compliment to share with every person there. Keep a journal of plans and decisions made so you can follow up next time you meet. If you pay allowance, this is a good time to distribute it.

7. Family Fun Nights- Too many families don't really enjoy each other that much. It's so important to play together regularly. Ask your children if they would like to create a fun family tradition; perhaps you could initiate a weekly board game and pizza night, or a hike or outdoor activity together on Sunday afternoons. Most children I ask about this are thrilled at the prospect of more family fun. Remember: no cell phones or electronics allowed.

8. Date Night- You are also creating a blueprint for your children about how marriage works. Healthy partnerships take a few hours out of the week to spend doing something enjoyable together, preferably out of the house. If you set up Saturday date nights, you plan one, then ask your partner to plan the next, and keep alternating. Nobody likes to be taken for granted, and I find both partners like to be courted. It's also fun to get to plan some activities you think would be fun to do with your partner. Two rules: 1) Do not discuss the children (it's too easy to hide there) and 2) Try to do something where you can chat some, so a movie is not ideal unless you add getting an iced tea after to discuss the film.

These eight suggestions can give your family just the structure you need to feel successful in your life as a couple and a family. Go for it! Daily life is so much more fun if we are all paddling the canoe in the same direction.

'Tis The Season : 10 Holiday Tips to Keep You Merry

December brings up a lot of different things for people. It can bring stress if you get overwhelmed by all the tasks you have to get through. December can bring up memories of past holidays, whether sad or joyful. It can bring up grief if you are dealing with a loss this past year or two. For children, the holiday season often brings anticipation. Some adults feel the gravitational pull of their family of origin sucking them back in to unhealthy patterns.

Even one of the founders of family therapy, Murray Bowen, wrote an essay called "Going Home" in which he explained how he could be a happily individuated adult most of the year, but could regress when back visiting his parents, like at holiday times. It is so easy to get pulled in to old patterns if you're not conscious and intentional.

Here are some ideas for staying emotionally healthy during December and into the New Year:

1. If you have experienced a loss this year --- the death of a close family member or close friend, a divorce, separation or break-up, or a move far from your support system, be patient with yourself during the holidays. You will need to rethink of all your usual December traditions so you can decide whether you want to keep or change them this year. Be flexible with your plans, and don't take on too much. Focus on what will be comforting and supportive.

2. Stay an adult this holiday season. Reconsider demands and expectations made by your family of origin, or your partner's family. Part of individuating is making choices about what is meaningful and enjoyable for you, rather than just doing things by autopilot.

3. Give yourself permission to mix up old patterns. At family gatherings, exercise your power to move closer and visit with the family members you really enjoy and admire. Move away from the negative and toxic people.

4. Keep up your healthy self-care patterns throughout this busy month: keep exercising, eating healthy (even if it's before a holiday party so you're not tempted to eat the wrong things), and get enough sleep and alone time.

5. Share the tasks. Women often feel more burden for holiday tasks. I always encourage families I see in family counseling to hold a family meeting to get everyone signed up to share holiday tasks. Sort through the regular tasks to check and make sure that you focus on holiday traditions that bring joy, as opposed to those that are just an energy drain. People enjoy the holidays more when they help create them, so don't do it all yourself. Share the cooking, the shopping, the decorating and wrapping. Even small children can have fun wrapping gifts if you loosen your standards and provide lots of tape.

6. Get outside yourself. Reach out to an elderly neighbor or volunteer with a local food bank or charity which needs extra help during December in your local community. I promise it will lift your spirits, no matter what you have going on in your own life. Develop your spiritual side.

7. Say 'no' to invitations which sound emotionally taxing. Carry your own boundaries throughout the season. Preserve some down time.

8. Go for the joy. Be sure to sprinkle in some holiday joy. What are the sensory experiences that will activate your creativity, senses and holiday memories? Do you like to smell cookies baking or walk through a Christmas tree lot? Would you enjoy looking at happy photos of holidays past? Could you enjoy a holiday Christmas movie fest? Do you delight in hanging some festive lights? Spending time with children also helps you rekindle the joy of the season.

9. Break up the visit. If you are visiting family during the holiday season or you will be hosting family staying at your house, think through ways to streamline and make the visit less intense. Have some breakfast foods out that guests can do self-serve. Get out for a walk by yourself, and get those endorphins pumping. Don't expect yourself to be "on" for days at a time. Taking a break from hosting or being hosted can help everyone stay less frayed. Help guests to do some things independently if possible.

10. As New Year's Day approaches, think about creating a vision board for 2015. You can use a piece of poster board to pull out pictures and ideas that inspire you in how you want to grow and what you want to experience in the beautiful new year ahead of us. It will serve to remind you that the holidays, while stressful, are fleeting. The last month of the year is a great time to begin setting your intensions for an emotionally healthy 2015, with new goals and new plans.

Move as lightly as you can through the next 4 weeks. A few last inspiring pre-holiday thoughts:

If you are facing a judgmental or critical family, or tend towards perfectionism: "The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." -Anna Quindlen

If you're worn out by holiday crowds and shopping: "Sharing the holiday with other people, and feeling that you're giving of yourself, gets you past all the commercialism." -Caroline Kennedy

If you need inspiration: "The holiday season is a time for storytelling, and whether you are hearing the story of a candelabra staying lit for more than a week, or a baby born in a barn without proper medical supervision, these stories are about miracles." -Lemony Snicket

Take good care of yourself as you navigate a healthy holiday season. Be sensitive to what you are needing, rather than do things just out of obligation. Give yourself permission to do December your own way.

Are There Late Night Creatures at Your House?

Parents of teenagers beware. Most teens are not getting enough sleep. The recommended number of hours per night for teens is nine. A recent poll by the National Sleep Foundation found that over 50% of teens ages 15 to 17 only get seven hours a night. That's two hours short for many teens, which makes them overly tired and moodier. Being a teen is already hard, and full of stress and changes. Being exhausted doesn't help. Are you a savvy parent who knows why?

Most teens are heavily scheduled during hours when their parents are up, with school, activities, lessons, sports and homework. When we go to bed, guess who stays up late to have some downtime and freedom? Yes, that would be our teenagers.

The drawing power of connection through social media is luring teens in to quietly snap-chatting, texting, instagramming, tweeting, face-timing, youtube surfing, downloading music and more in the dark of their bedrooms after parents think they are asleep. It's a trend the New York Times covered in a story on July 6 about the trend to "vampire" or "vamp" by being up late in the night. Some teens find it cool to see posts timed in the middle of the night, as it can represent freedom.

Parents need to communicate with teens about the need for sleep, and setting some reasonable limits to protect their sleep habits. Does your teen have a time when their smart phone, laptop, ipad, etc. is turned off and plugged in for recharging somewhere they can't get to it again before morning? As a family counselor, I am more concerned about this for younger teens than older ones. If your teen has disappointing or declining grades, this possibility is something it's smart to consider and do some surprise check-ins that all is dark and quiet in their room.

Danah Boyd, a writer/researcher with Microsoft Research recently published her book, "It's Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens". She considers social media sort of the new mall for this generation of teens to hang out together and have social contact. Many teens are so structured by day that late nights are the only downtime.

What's a parent to do? Stay in conversation with your teen about these issues of sleep, downtime, the need for social contact and the importance of setting some limits and boundaries. We also need to watch what we role model, and put our own technology to bed at a reasonable hour, have good sleep patterns and lifestyle habits.

Watch out for the vampires at your house. Check your teen's bedrooms first for the faint glow of a smartphone under the covers.

Good Mood Basics

How are you sleeping? How are you eating? Do you exercise?

When I am concerned about a client's anxiety or depression, these are some of the first things I want to know. If you are not sleeping or eating well, it can make your mood problems much worse. Exercise is a wonderful, natural mood stabilizer.

Sleep is a huge issue for most people in modern life. A number of studies show we still need as much sleep as our great grandparents did in 1900, but we get much less. We also sleep less than people did in 1950.

Many teens are especially short of sleep. Teens have major changes going on in their bodies, and need more sleep than adults. It doesn't help their moods when teens are overtired. Many teens are up past midnight on school nights, and then have a very difficult time getting up for school in the morning. Many teens send and receive text messages late into the night.

Sleep researchers recommend we gear down our brains in the last hour or two before bedtime. There are physiological challenges that we get from the impact of computers and television in the pre-bedtime hours. The light from each of these technologies can activate our brains, and make it harder to fall asleep.

Experts suggest that we downshift in the last hour before bed by doing something quiet, like reading, talking with someone, or listening to music. A relaxing shower or bath could also set the stage for a peaceful entry to sleep. Lowering the light intensity in the room during the winding down time period can also help ease sleep.

Good sleep hygiene also includes keeping your bedtime and waking time as consistent as possible, 7 days a week. Big variations in either time frame can mess up your sleep cycle. Getting into a good sleep pattern will help your mood. If you have trouble staying asleep, don't lie in bed tossing and turning. If you can't get to sleep after 20 minutes or so, get up, change rooms, and do something quiet, like reading until you feel sleepy. Go back to your bedroom when you are tired. We want to associate the bedroom will peaceful sleep. This is why it's best not to study or keep a home office in your bedroom.

What about stabilizing your mood with good nutrition? Many people skip breakfast, and begin their day with nothing in their stomachs. Other people skip meals. We do best with something nutritious every 3-4 hours. If you have a busy day planned, pack up some portable healthy snacks and take them with you to work or school. You can also stash some snacks in your car trunk.

Many teens eat no breakfast, and then skip lunch at school. If your teen has a tendency to do this, you may want to take them grocery shopping with you to pick out healthy, portable options. You may also want to make the 3:00 or 4:00 time frame the main meal of their day, as it is when many teens are at their hungriest.

If you are not sure what you should be eating, or what number of calories you should be eating, even one session with a good registered dietician can be extremely informative and helpful. My favorite dietician is able to help you make a grocery list of snack and meal items that fit your lifestyle, and are easy. Eating well can help reduce anxiety and depression symptoms.

Limiting your intake of alcohol and caffeine is also key to stabilizing your mood. Alcohol is a depressant, which can make depression worse and complicate any medication you may be taking. Caffeine is a stimulant which can make an already anxious person more anxious, and interfere with your sleep cycle. Limiting sugary foods will also help you get off the mood roller coaster!

For my patients that are anxious or depressed, I also want to make sure that they are exercising if their doctor has given them clearance to do so. It's amazing what a 30 minute walk a day can do to increase endorphins, and give people a needed mood boost. It can also help you sleep better.

Feeling bad? Start with the basics of sleep, eating well and exercising regularly. They are simple ideas, but they each have a huge impact on how you are dealing with your emotions, relationships, and life challenges. If you need more help, consult a good therapist who does cognitive therapy to reduce depression and/or anxiety symptoms.


  

Why Aren't We Sleeping?

I ran across a cute article in last Sunday's New York Times called "Bedtime Stories" that got me thinking of all the concerns we have around getting a good night's sleep. So many of us aren't sleeping well. I always ask my patients how they are sleeping, because it can be an indicator of anxiety or depression. If you have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or don't wake up feeling rested in the morning, it can mean something is wrong. Sleeping too much, or hypersomnia, or too little, insomnia, can also be cause for concern.

Almost everybody does better with a sleep routine. Try to go to sleep and wake up at about the same time every day if you can. When I am working with families with school-age children, I encourage the parents to set bedtimes. Since school will start again in the next month or so, I like parents to reset the bedtime for school a week or so ahead to give children time to adjust their sleep cycle. Children do well with bedtime routines like bathtime, storytime, cuddling, prayers, lights out. Be sure to rotate Mom and Dad into the routine, so children learn bedtime is an equal opportunity for bonding. Parents need to agree on the bedtime so we have adult time after that.

Most adults I know need to wind down to bedtime. Watch the caffeine after mid-day. Limit the exercise late at night, which can be activating. Consider the environment in your bedroom as well. It needs to be a pleasant temperature, a soothing color scheme, and free of clutter, toys, or work gear, like computers. If you are in close confines, like a dorm room, clear your desk as much as you can so it is not in your line of sight as you try to sleep.If you go to sleep and can't fall asleep after 15-20 minutes, get back up, and go into another room to read until you feel tired. Then go back to your bedroom to sleep. We don't want your unconscious mind to associate your bedroom with tossing and turning.

Some years back I enjoyed hearing Boston psychoanalyst and writer Thomas Moore, who wrote Care of the Soul, speak about the bedrooms couples sleep in. Moore considers the master bedroom sacred space, and encourages couples to revere it, be mindful of protecting it for you as a couple, and not making it a workspace or family gathering area. Make your bedroom your sanctuary.

Children are wonderful, but not after 9pm, and not in their parents' bedroom, please. Apparently Brad and Angelina disagree with me on this one, but I saw in a recent interview that she admits they are both exhausted. I want children to begin to feel capable of self-soothing and sleeping on their own---or with a sibling---but not needing to sleep with Mom and Dad. I am trained as a structural family therapist, and I like some boundaries and happy, well-rested parents. Single parents often feel vulnerable and can be too willing to have a child sleep with them. Not good for your child, and what happens if you remarry later?

I prefer that couples sleep together. The New York Times article this week spotted a new trend for couples to sleep separately, but most researchers agree this is not healthy or best for most couples. Why would you want to miss spending the last few minutes of the day together? Sometimes there are medical issues like snoring, sleep apnea machines, or medically-required sleep postioning which complicate your ability to sleep all night in the same room, but being aggressive and creative in finding solutions is important to keeping couples close. At times I work with couples who need different amounts of sleep. Thinking creatively together about how you can cuddle before the first partner drifts off to sleep, or having the early riser come back to bed a while later, is all it takes to meet in the middle.

Think also about the choreography of your evening routine. Doing peaceful, calming activities before bed, like listening to calming music, or giving your partner a backrub, are much better for your falling asleep easily. Inviting the 11:00 news into your bedroom and falling asleep to your subconscious focusing on the BP oil spill is a recipe for a difficult night's sleep. Children also love to have parents massage their worries out of their backs or shoulders at bedtime. Even for a few minutes. Wind down from focused activities, computer work, e-mail and financial paperwork at least an hour before bed as well.

Keep paper and a pen by your bedside table. We all dream every night, but the dream material slips away if you don't catch it right away and note the images down. Dreams can be a powerful tool to understanding more about what is going on for you at a subconscious level.

There are lots of reasons people don't sleep well. Before you ask your doctor for medication, which can be addictive, it is essential to establish these good sleep patterns and see if that will help. Understanding your natural sleep cycle, and what you can do to help yourself, is good self-care in this part of your life. Speaking of which, it is late tonight, and I am off to dreamland myself. Sleep well.