What If Other People Aren't Supposed to Make You Happy?

So often in counseling I see people disappointed that marriage or parenting doesn't make them happy. What if we rework that expectation, and consider the possibility that relationships are really about choosing someone who helps you to grow? Or, what if being in a committed relationship or being a parent is really more of an opportunity to give rather than get?

Nobody stays in a perpetual "in love" state. It's a temporary condition. Falling in love activates the pleasure center in our brain. It lasts for months, not years. When we fall in love, we focus on the similarities between the other person and oneself. We love how it makes us feel to be with the beloved. A year or two later, it becomes easy to see the differences between you and perseverate on them if you don't shift your consciousness.

When we have expectations that we will fall in love and that person will "make" us happy forever after, that's an unrealistic idea. Actually, a better expectation is to take responsibility for making yourself happy and fulfilled, and sharing that happiness with the partner of your choice.

 It's important to know that marriages have seasons. There are some predictable hard spots, like when couples have children, when children become teens, and when couples launch their children and need to reconnect in some new ways.

In a marriage or committed, monogamous relationship, I like to see each partner make the choice to bring their best self to the relationship. Focus on giving, not getting. The happiest couples encourage each other's growth and support their unique interests. Each person takes personal responsibility for shining a light and being a beneficial presence in their little corner of the world. Marriages work best when each person sees the best in the other.

You also don't want to look to becoming a parent as a way to make yourself happy. Raising a family can be a very fulfilling experience, but it also tests you. Sweet little babies grow into teens who need to push away from you to individuate and launch. They aren't there to meet your needs or read your script. Being a good parent is a lot about letting go of some of your selfishness, transcending self,  seeing who you've been sent and how you can contribute to helping them along their path.

In short, let's rethink our expectations for our closest relationships. Marriage and parenting aren't supposed to make you happy. They are supposed to make you grow. Love is about a choice, and about doing the right, loving behaviors. You are supposed to make you happy, and then share. Relationships are about giving, rather than getting. Life, lived well includes a process of growing, opening up, and sharing more of your true self with others.

Rituals for After Work and Reconnecting

How do you shift gears after work? Having a ritual of things you do to mark the transition from work mode to home mode is helpful. It is also important to have some ways of reconnecting with your loved ones after you have been apart during the workday.

Many of us are "in our heads" all day at work. Start by trying to put a boundary around work hours. Have an exit time. Make it sacred. In your car, enjoy quiet or listen to soothing, relaxing music in your car. Avoid talk radio which will amp you up. Consider showering when you get home, and visualize getting back into your physical and relational self. Imagine all the frustrations of your day washing down the drain. Consciously getting out of work clothes and into soft, relaxing clothing is also helpful, and is a physical signal to your body to unwind.

If you are hungry when you finish work, consider taking a small healthy snack with you to your office that you can enjoy before you leave to drive home (a piece of fruit, nuts, or cheese?) This may help you not to be ravenous or grumpy when you arrive home.

If you work from home, make a regular spot to work and establish a "closing time" where you close up your home office. Working at home is not an advantage if you let it bleed in to all your free time. Set boundaries, close the door, and discipline yourself not to check in on email or voicemail until the next workday morning.

I remember one of my favorite professors in graduate school talked about doing counseling with several couples. He helped save marriages by having both partners go to run or workout on the way home. When they met up at home later, they were in a much more relaxed frame of mind and stopped picking on each other.

That's not always possible. I'm counseling several couples with little children who need them home ASAP and interacting, so a workout on the way home can't happen. By thinking creatively, however, you can find an activity that works for your family. You can play with the kids in the park or  backyard, ride bikes or a take little ones for a 20 minute cruise of the neighborhoods in the stroller  when everyone is back home.

If you are a working parent, find ways to reconnect and reach out to your children when you get home. Little ones enjoy you joining them in parallel play, if only for a few minutes. Teens can be coerced out of their rooms for dinner. Family dinner is about emotional connection as much as it is about food, so put all the phones away and start the conversation. Have everyone share the best and worst part of their day.

When you leave home in the morning, hug and kiss your partner like you mean it. It only takes a moment. When you return home, make a ritual of greeting loved ones and hugging and kissing your partner. It feels wonderful to be acknowledged. It will make others feel that they matter, rather than just going about your business or opening the mail. I'm always amazed at the positive feedback I get from couples and families I am working with in counseling when they start paying attention to these little, daily acts of care.

In relationships, little things matter. Being intentional about shifting gears from work time to personal time is important. We need boundaries so we avoid burning out. Healthy patterns and rituals for turning work off (like parking your cell phone, computer, and email when you get home) make a huge difference. Making a ritual of how you greet your partner and your children when you get home matters, too. Be intentional about your transitions, and you are much more likely to feel less stressed and enjoy your off time with friends and family more.

Boyhood

Childhood is made up of little moments that get all strung together, like Christmas lights. The new (2014) film Boyhood by director Richard Linklater will make you reflect on your own childhood, and your own journey as a parent. The film is unusual in that it has the same cast, but was filmed over 12 years. We get an intimate view of Mason (Ellar Coltrane) growing up from age 5 to age 18. This film is not to be missed as it brings all of it to you from the child's view.

The story includes many ordinary days, as Mason deals with his parent's divorce, bullies at school, moving and leaving friends, a bad haircut, horrible stepparents, first love, heartbreak, a sometimes difficult sister, camping with Dad, Mom dating, first days at new schools, and a first job. You get to witness Mason growing up, with all the physical and emotional changes he goes through in those 12 years of childhood. Mason is beautifully played by Coltrane. The director's daughter, Lorelei Linklater, is wonderful and very natural as his sometimes annoying sister.

The film is touching. It reminded me of how vulnerable children are to whatever other stressors and challenges are going on in their parents' lives. Children are trying to grow up amidst the drama, changes and challenges. It reminds us as parents to keep our children's childhood as stable as we possibly can, and to be as present as we can no matter what unexpected things come up.

In Mason's case, his mom (Patricia Arquette) is a struggling single parent, trying to finish her education and provide some stability for her two children. The results are often chaotic, as she completes her education but her poor relationship choices impact both her and the children. The family moves multiple times, and the film captures the loss and longing the children feel as they watch the old home disappear from the car windows as they drive away, leaving behind friends each time.

Arquette is superb as Mason's mother. She loves the children, but is busily multi-tasking her education, financial struggle and problematic love life the whole time the children are growing up. She always thought she had more time, but suddenly Mason is heading off to college. She wonders aloud about what's left for her with the children gone. How can childhood be over so soon?

Ethan Hawke does a wonderful job portraying Mason's sometimes immature but loving father. Early in the film, Hawke is irresponsible and often missing. Later he visits the children more frequently, and tries to condense his fathering life lessons into his every other weekend with his son and daughter. The film captures some authentic moments where he tries to get the kids to share more and open up, talks with them about sexual responsibility, discusses breakups and love relationships, and teaches them (while bowling) that in life there are no bumpers.

There are some bittersweet moments that feel honest as dad thanks mom at Mason's graduation party for doing a great job raising him mostly on her own. Dad seems to evolve over the twelve years we follow him, and it seems sad that the timing was off and that he didn't evolve earlier so that they could have raised the children together. Just like in real life, it's a lot about timing sometimes. It also reminds us that while parents can divorce, parenting continues and it's better for the children if you can accept whatever positive contributions the other parent can make.

The unique way in which this film is made and edited over such a long span of time allows us to remember these years,too. We see Mason attend a Harry Potter book release signing all dressed up and excited to get his book. We see him go with his sister to plant yard signs for Obama/Biden and help steal a McCain sign at Dad's direction. The film is edited and mixed with songs from these same years, from Coldplay to Arcade Fire. It will make you remember these years, too.

Boyhood is a must see film, which will remind you of how swiftly both childhood and parenting passes, and to make the most of all the little, ordinary days with our children. As difficult and overwhelming as parenting can be, you will miss this chapter when it is gone. It's beautiful the way this film artfully captures the internal emotional experiences of childhood. It's a rare opportunity to watch a skilled ensemble of actors age gradually and be invited into their maturing. It made me reflect on my own childhood memory fragments, and made me wistful about how swiftly my girls grew up into the adult women I love.

Healing Childhood Wounds

Most people don't arrive at adulthood without a few emotional wounds they carry from childhood. It's so important to understand yours, forgive and/or accept parents if you can, and move forward in a healthy way. Individual therapy can give you understanding about your childhood and help you not reenact dysfunctional family relationships in your current life.

What kind of wounds do adults carry? Some parents are unstable and unpredictable. Other parents have substance abuse problems so are mostly unavailable, angry, self-absorbed or checked out. There are parents who abandon, neglect, or physically or emotionally abuse their children. There are parents who play favorites among their children, or criticize and belittle.

Some adults carry wounds from early parental loss, whether through an early death, divorce, or other abandonment. These individuals can be frightened of abandonment in later life relationships.

There are other individuals who coped with a narcissistic or borderline parent, and have to learn healthy boundaries and self-care as it was not possible to learn those things growing up in their family. The parent's needs likely dominated everything. Healing for these individuals often involves grieving for the childhood they didn't have.

Healing often involves coming to understand that parents are just people and bring all their insecurities, experiences and limitations with them to the parenting role.  Healing from childhood wounds involves seeing parents objectively, both the positive and the negative.

Many families transmit patterns from one generation to another, unless someone decides to stop the pattern. Doing genograms in sessions with individuals, couples and families, it's  eye-opening to see the patterns illuminated. Anxiety, depression, divorce, suicide and infidelity will often repeat in a single family if you study multiple generations.

It may be important to grieve for the childhood you did not have, or the inability your parents may have had to meet your needs. It's key to sort out your feelings of loss, sadness, longing, hurt, anger, as well as others.

It saddens me to see adults who are still seeking the approval of others. If we don't examine our family patterns and influences, we can unknowingly be seeking favorite child status at work with our boss, or be seeking parental approval which may never be given. Seeing our parents as people with their own vulnerabilities, flaws and strengths helps us put things in perspective.

You can make the decision to heal your childhood emotional wounds with the help of a caring therapist, and begin reshaping the family emotional patterns in this generation. You can break the patterns you don't like and build a new, healthier pattern for the next generation in your family. It's up to us.

Self Esteem: A Family Matter

How do you raise a child with high self-esteem and confidence when they tackle life's inevitable challenges? It begins with you, or maybe with your parents. Turns out, everybody has a cup for self esteem, and it can be empty, low, mid-range or high.

Family therapist Virginia Satir was an expert in training other therapists in the communications theory model of family therapy, and wrote the book Peoplemaking. Satir observed in her long career counseling families that people are likely to partner with someone who has a similar level of self-esteem. We are also most likely to raise our children to have the same level of self esteem that we have.

Be aware that your children are listening to your self-talk. If you make negative self-statements, your children are likely to absorb this role modeling. Someone with good self esteem makes mistakes and can take responsibility, learn from it and let it go. They don't verbally beat themselves up, saying "I'm so stupid" or "I'm fat", etc. You may want to pause and consider how you respond when you make a mistake or don't get something you wanted.

You may want to address your own self-esteem level if it is low. You can decide to have a family legacy of insecurity or low self-esteem stop with you, and not pass it on. You may want to imagine what you would be doing, how you would be behaving if your self-esteem were higher and challenge yourself to grow some.

Besides working on your own self-esteem, there are other ways you can help your children master higher self-esteem. Here are a few tips to get started:

1. Teach your child life skills that are age appropriate. Confidence is built by feeling capable of doing as much for yourself as you can. Even toddlers can be encouraged to pick up after playing with toys. Grade school children need some chores at home. I like middle school students to learn practical skills like cooking and laundry. Make sure both girls and boys get experience with inside and outside chores.

2. Encourage your child's developing of their hobbies and interests. Let them choose, rather than making it about your needs and unfulfilled leftover dreams. A well-developed set of interests outside of academics helps protect a child's self-esteem even when they have a difficult class or teacher that they are dealing with.

3. Help your child find a way that they like to get outside and get regular exercise. This will help their mood and give them a regular outlet to cope in a healthy way with the stress kids and teens feel, and build lasting strategies that will serve them well in college and as an adult.

4. Encourage your child's friendships. Make your home a place where friends can come over at all ages. Get to know their friends. Serve snacks. Developing friendships and social skills helps protect self-esteem.

5. Help your child develop boundaries and learn to voice their opinions appropriately. Family meetings once a week at dinner are a great place to practice.

6. Support your child develop their faith and spirituality. This aspect of self is grounding and will help when they are dealing with difficulty and disappointment.

7. Help your child learn to be grateful, and express appreciation to others.

8. Encourage your child to give back to others and contribute. Children and teens who learn to transcend selfishness end up having not only better college application essays, but more successful  relationships and self-esteem. You can volunteer together with your children at a food bank, or some other cause you care about.

9. Role model healthy relationships, and working through conflicts fairly.

People with higher self-esteem still encounter difficulty and disappointment, but they attribute the set-backs differently and don't see it as a never-ending pattern of defeat. You are your child's first and most important teacher when it comes to self-esteem. This is just one more way, if we choose to accept the challenge, that being a parent can be a growing experience for the parent as well as the child.

Pursuing Happiness

Each person has a set point for happiness. It is impacted by genetics, family and life experiences. Your happiness level is also greatly influenced by daily thoughts and behaviors, perhaps even more profoundly than any other influence. What you think about, and what you choose to do each day makes a big difference in both your own life and every life you touch.

Positive psychology is a field of inquiry that began to be identified in 1998 by University of Pennsylvania psychology professor, writer and researcher Martin Seligman. He's the author of Authentic Happiness and Learned Optimism. It is based on the idea that psychology shouldn't just focus on mental illness and pathology, but also lead in the pursuit and understanding of what helps people create meaning, contentment, joy, resiliency and wellness.

Shawn Achor, M.A. is a Harvard scholar, educator, business consultant and writer who has spent over 12 years studying what makes people happy. His TED talk about happiness is one of their 20 most viewed lessons. He is a big advocate of positive psychology, and wrote The Happiness Advantage. Achor is interested in how happiness improves work success.

It's not like people who are happy don't feel unhappiness. They do, and it's important. Sometimes unhappiness is a key indicator that you need to change something in your life. You may need to assert yourself more, change jobs, or upgrade or end a relationship that's not working well. The opposite of happiness is actually apathy, when one doesn't care and doesn't believe what you do matters. Positive psychology strives to help people see that what they think, feel, and do does matter a great deal.

Here are some positive psychology strategies for feeling happier:

1. Each day, identify 3 different things you are grateful for. It helps build appreciation.

2. Send a thank you email, note, or give an in person thank you every day. It helps build connection.

3. Reflect each day, and either visualize or write down a little about one meaningful experience you have had recently. Rerun the experience through your mind as if it was happening now.

4. Still your mind for 20 minutes a day. Sit quietly. No distractions. Usher thoughts out as they pop up.

5. Move every day for at least 30 minutes.

6. Notice emotional pain and address it; don't numb it with alcohol, substances or addictive behavior.

7. Reach out to others. Say 'hi" and smile to others you meet throughout the day. Break the self-absorption cycle that many people are caught in.

8. Help someone else, whether officially through volunteering or informally when you are aware of other people's needs and do what you can to lift others up.

Your thoughts, feelings and behaviors matter. Connecting with others and staying focused on your own true north helps. Think of these happiness habits as happiness hygiene. Just like you shower and brush your teeth daily, these behaviors are most effective in lifting your mood if you do them every day. Let's be intentional about doing the things that make us happier and more aware of our impact on each other.

Are There Late Night Creatures at Your House?

Parents of teenagers beware. Most teens are not getting enough sleep. The recommended number of hours per night for teens is nine. A recent poll by the National Sleep Foundation found that over 50% of teens ages 15 to 17 only get seven hours a night. That's two hours short for many teens, which makes them overly tired and moodier. Being a teen is already hard, and full of stress and changes. Being exhausted doesn't help. Are you a savvy parent who knows why?

Most teens are heavily scheduled during hours when their parents are up, with school, activities, lessons, sports and homework. When we go to bed, guess who stays up late to have some downtime and freedom? Yes, that would be our teenagers.

The drawing power of connection through social media is luring teens in to quietly snap-chatting, texting, instagramming, tweeting, face-timing, youtube surfing, downloading music and more in the dark of their bedrooms after parents think they are asleep. It's a trend the New York Times covered in a story on July 6 about the trend to "vampire" or "vamp" by being up late in the night. Some teens find it cool to see posts timed in the middle of the night, as it can represent freedom.

Parents need to communicate with teens about the need for sleep, and setting some reasonable limits to protect their sleep habits. Does your teen have a time when their smart phone, laptop, ipad, etc. is turned off and plugged in for recharging somewhere they can't get to it again before morning? As a family counselor, I am more concerned about this for younger teens than older ones. If your teen has disappointing or declining grades, this possibility is something it's smart to consider and do some surprise check-ins that all is dark and quiet in their room.

Danah Boyd, a writer/researcher with Microsoft Research recently published her book, "It's Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens". She considers social media sort of the new mall for this generation of teens to hang out together and have social contact. Many teens are so structured by day that late nights are the only downtime.

What's a parent to do? Stay in conversation with your teen about these issues of sleep, downtime, the need for social contact and the importance of setting some limits and boundaries. We also need to watch what we role model, and put our own technology to bed at a reasonable hour, have good sleep patterns and lifestyle habits.

Watch out for the vampires at your house. Check your teen's bedrooms first for the faint glow of a smartphone under the covers.