7 Ways to Be Her Hero

Doug Fields has a great new book in which he targets advice for men about stepping up and becoming the man their partner can love and respect. It's called 7 Ways To Be Her Hero: The One Your Wife Has Been Waiting For (W Publishing Group 2014). While Doug has a background in ministry and church leadership, he's an entertaining and approachable writer and speaker whose book has universal truths no matter your background.

Fields encourages each person to develop some depth, as well as slowing down to get out of living life like a NASCAR race. There is more to life than speed. Quality relationships take time, effort and intention. Anyone can fall in love, all it takes is a pulse. It's keeping the connection that is admirable and requires that people dig deeper into understanding themselves and the other person.

So what does Fields recommend that men do to become their partner's hero?

1. Edit. Don't say everything you think. Avoid defensiveness and criticism.

2. Choose your words carefully. Use them to support, encourage and build up your partner. Be sincere and specific. Notice what is loving and right in the other person. Let them know when and how they positively impact your life. Fields recalls Gary Chapman's five love languages, encouraging men to find out whether their partner prefers:

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

When you identify your partner's preferred language, use it.

3. Become a world-class listener. Ask questions to deepen your understanding. Make eye contact. Don't multi-task. This creates emotional intimacy. Try to grow beyond sharing clichés, facts and opinions into the deeper levels of sharing feelings and needs.

4. Go big with small things. Be generous emotionally by noticing her preferences and needs. Pay attention and do small actions that will please her. Doug shares great examples in his book of moving past selfishness to being sensitive to making your partner's day easier or better.

5. Increase non-sexual touch, like holding hands, hugging and kissing hello or goodbye, sitting by her on the couch, or touching her gently when you pass her. It's been said that when it comes to sexuality, men can be like microwave ovens and women are more like crock pots. Gentle, non-sexual, non-demanding, affectionate touch is something that most women want more of.

6. Putting the pride aside. Great guys can apologize and admit mistakes. Humility and confidence are a winning combination.

7. Care for her heart. Help her heal from childhood wounds and past relationship pain through your devotion and steadfastness. Point out her strengths and the things you love about her. Fill her tank. Help her to feel safe by being trustworthy and honest. Inspire her respect by being impeccable with your word.

Doug Fields' insights come partly from many years of facilitating and leading men's groups, speaking with women, and his own marriage. 7 Ways to Be Her Hero is a quick, easy read and has lots of relatable vignettes. It's a gem of a book that just might make a big difference in your own life, or the life of the man you love. Emotional intimacy in relationships is built one day at a time, and this book can give you practical tools to do it.

The Words We Choose

I started college as an English major, so I am always very interested in word choice, either in the written word or in conversation. As a therapist these last 25 years, I'm curious about what people's word choice means about their relationships and their world view.

What does it imply when one partner describes their home as "my house," their financial resources as "my money," or their shared child as "my child?" There are underlying power dynamics in most human relationships. I often stop couples when they do this, and ask them to reframe their statement.

Words can heal and also have the power to hurt. Children think that as parents, we know everything. (Then as teens, they often find out we don't.) The words a parent says get imprinted on a child's developing core self. I often ask people in individual therapy how their parents viewed them in the family. Were you told you were the smart one or the pretty one? Could you never measure up in your parents eyes to a sibling? Were you told you weren't an athlete, weren't a good student, or couldn't be something you wanted to be?

Clearing up some of those old messages that were imprinted on you by your parents is liberating. Maybe your parents were human, and not clairvoyant or all-knowing. Perhaps it is time to update your own view of yourself, and watch what you say to yourself. Self-talk is powerful. Why can't you feel, think, and be who you'd like to be already?

In your relationships, watch what words you use. Create joining and union with your partner. Focus on we, not I. Share the power, share the ownership, and lean into your closest relationship. You won't believe the difference.

Don't Box People In (Yourself Included)

The words we say to ourselves and to the people we love are very powerful. The simple task of becoming more aware and catching yourself boxing people in can cause wonderful changes in your day-to-day quality of life. Let me give you a few examples.

In a relationship with someone you care about, never tell them, "you never......" or "you always......" It makes the other person feel like giving up. I normally stop couples mid-sentence in couples therapy and ask them to rephrase the statement about their partner. It can make a huge difference with your partner if you tell them "you never spend time with me," rather than the more encouraging, "I really like it when you spend time with me, let's work out a way to spend more time together playing."

Keep hope alive in your relationships, by using solution-focused words, rather than blaming statements. It helps to comment on relationship conflicts in a mutual way, for instance, "Let's not fight like this. How about we both cool down and begin again later?" Try your best to make "I" statements, such as "I like", "I don't like", etc., rather than "you" statements, i.e. "You are being sarcastic. You hurt my feelings, etc. Don't tell other people how they feel or what they think. Each person deserves the respect of having their own thoughts and feelings, and it's perfectly okay if they are different from yours. A healthy dose of mutual respect and curiosity about the other person always helps here. Even if you have been together for many years, don't assume you know everything about the other person. You don't.

Be careful with your self-talk as well. I have worked with brillant, loving, and accomplished people who are often engaged in hateful internal dialogue. It is important to good mental health to be your own best friend, seeing your strengths and weaknesses in a balanced way. Even something you do not like about yourself can be fit into an affirmation for encouraging positive change. For instance, instead of "I will never meet someone," it would be better to work with a mantra that "Everyday I am becoming more friendly and warm towards others, I am letting people closer and allowing them to see the genuine me." Instead of "I hate my body," we need to replace it with, "Everyday I am becoming more loving and caring of my body, exercising it, feeding it healthy foods, and loving it the way I love the people closest to me."

Words are powerful, and create dynamics and feelings. Make sure your words don't box you in, or the people you care about, so that you can build new and healthier possibilities for tomorrow. All our lives, if all goes well, we keep evolving and developing our skills and our spirit. You dont want to box out all the wonderful possibilities for you to love deeper, and be a happier, healthier, and more mature person tomorrow. Life and people need hope; make sure your language choices allow room for it!