The Words We Choose

I started college as an English major, so I am always very interested in word choice, either in the written word or in conversation. As a therapist these last 25 years, I'm curious about what people's word choice means about their relationships and their world view.

What does it imply when one partner describes their home as "my house," their financial resources as "my money," or their shared child as "my child?" There are underlying power dynamics in most human relationships. I often stop couples when they do this, and ask them to reframe their statement.

Words can heal and also have the power to hurt. Children think that as parents, we know everything. (Then as teens, they often find out we don't.) The words a parent says get imprinted on a child's developing core self. I often ask people in individual therapy how their parents viewed them in the family. Were you told you were the smart one or the pretty one? Could you never measure up in your parents eyes to a sibling? Were you told you weren't an athlete, weren't a good student, or couldn't be something you wanted to be?

Clearing up some of those old messages that were imprinted on you by your parents is liberating. Maybe your parents were human, and not clairvoyant or all-knowing. Perhaps it is time to update your own view of yourself, and watch what you say to yourself. Self-talk is powerful. Why can't you feel, think, and be who you'd like to be already?

In your relationships, watch what words you use. Create joining and union with your partner. Focus on we, not I. Share the power, share the ownership, and lean into your closest relationship. You won't believe the difference.

Getting In The Driver's Seat In your Life

I recently read business coach Brian Tracy's new book,"No Excuses". It was a great reminder about how wonderful it is to be a person, or be around people, who have an internal locus of control.It's like you are in the driver's seat in the car that represents your life.People who have an external locus of control are in the passenger seat in their car.

Your choice of language often is a revealing source of information about where you are seated in your life. People with an internal locus of control use language that is positive,action and future oriented,and they own their own choices and consequences.They speak about "I want","I choose",or "I don't want".They try to see their own part to any difficult relationship or situation,and endeavor to change it.

People with an external locus of control use language that reflects victim status.They complain,blame, and whine,rather than solving problems and moving along.They might say "I have to",or"I should".These individuals blame others for their disappointments.They focus on the past,regrets, and unfairness. The truth is that life is unfair,and bad things do happen to good people.As I coach my clients,it is important to grieve losses and sort out painful things that happen,but not to take up permanent residency in that neighborhood.People in this passenger seat in life blame others and avoid using their own personal power to enact change or have a good life,anyway.

Notice this week if you can discipline yourself to use language that reflects that you are sitting in your own driver's seat in your car.Take responsibility.Blame noone.Solve problems.Make a plan and take an action step to deal with a relationship you are hurting about,or a situation you don't like.Watch what happens,and feel the good self-esteem that comes from driving your own car!