Teaching Children Virtues

Parents of school-aged children get busy, and sometimes focus on their children's negative behaviors. It's important to know that as a parent, you have the power to create teachable moments to introduce your children to developing positive character traits that will serve them well all their lives. Parents don't have to take a passive role, feeling frustrated with the values in movies, society and media that impact their children and teens. Instead, you and your partner can be the choreographers in teaching your children to be virtuous.

Grandparents, aunts and uncles can also make valuable contributions by teaching positive character traits, and discussing them with the young people whose lives you touch.

To get started, you will need to make a list of the character virtues that you admire in people. Here are some to consider, but you can develop a list of your own personal favorites:

Humility/Modesty

Gentleness

Self-control

Patience

Kindness 

Compassion

Self-discipline

Productiveness

Tenacity/ Perseverance

Courage

Integrity

Honesty

Self-care

Independence

Creativity

Resourcefulness

Open-mindedness

Love of learning

Justice

Personal leadership

Forgiveness

Gratitude

Playfulness

Teamwork

Spirituality

Cultivating joy/happiness

Appreciation of beauty

Social responsibility/service

Humanity (caring for others)

You might begin by choosing which trait you want to focus on with the young person/people in your life for the next month. I generally encourage parents to begin with the virtue you believe your children are most needing for their development. For example, if your children argue with each other and annoy each other, you may want to begin with focusing on teamwork.

If you hold weekly family meetings, as I encourage all the families I work with in family counseling to do, the meeting is a great time to introduce this month's virtue. You can have one of the children make a poster to hang up in the kitchen about that value, and have each family member add examples that they see at the next family meeting.

Make a plan for how you can teach the value of each trait. You can discuss it, help the child make an art project/collage demonstrating it, do some volunteer work together to experience it, or go on an outing together to explore it. You can look for examples of a particular character trait in the news or within the people you each know and talk about it. Asking children to watch for an example that they see among their friends of a particular virtue is fun and engages them. If you are teaching about service, perhaps you can do some volunteer work as a family as well as have each family member do random acts of kindness for others and compare notes.

Have some fun and be creative. I can remember being a child and learning about choosing a positive attitude by having a hall table with an empty drawer that we pulled a smile from each day when we left the house. Small children love to use their imaginations to learn things.

Grandparents can share stories about family members and others who demonstrated living the virtue you wish to help develop.

Parents, as well as family therapists, too often focus on negative behaviors. Helping actively develop character virtues and strengths is a healthy way to help create a next generation who are wise, transcend self, humane towards others, self-motivated and wonderful to be in relationship with. I can't think of a better legacy to leave behind us.

Why Are People So Rude?

We had a lovely family Easter brunch today after church.One of the topics that came up was rudeness.One of our teenage daughters has been working part-time at Disneyland over the spring break from school.She reported that rudeness was extremely common from the guests towards the employees.She understood,because,she explained, the guests have paid so much for admission that they expect a perfect day. Some guests lose their temper over the price of merchandise in the shops,and all she can say is,"I'm sorry". All four of the generations in our family chimed in to agree that people are more short-tempered with others than ever before.Gramps,who has 70 plus years of perspective on societal trends,confirmed that courtesy and kindness have been on the decline for the past twenty to thirty years.

I like the saying that you can tell the size of a man's character by the size of the thing that upsets them.I often think about how adult meltdowns must look to our children. If they are watching Mom or Dad berate sales clerks,what do you suppose they are thinking? Either they must think this is the way to act when you are disappointed, or they must think their parent looks ridiculous. Character is revealed in what behavior we do when you think noone of consequence is watching.

What are the secondary gains from having a temper tantrum? It's one way to release tension.It's easier than hitting the gym or going for a run.It can feel good momentarily to blow off steam at someone who has to take it.It's IMMEDIATE.It's just that later on you realize you overreacted and feel kind of stupid.

This trend toward short-temperedness goes along with the narcissistic bent that society has drifted towards. If it's all about me,then I expect that my needs should be gratified immediately at all times,or I am outraged. Nordstroms' has done a great job of embodying this philosophy of pleasing the customer almost no matter how obnoxious they are. See how the monster of self-importance gets fed?

Life also proceeds at a fast pace now. If we get drive-thru meals and immediate text responses,then waiting in line or being delayed can make people irrate.It's as if results must be instant.In truth,there are many valuable things in life which take patience,gentleness,and self-control.These include parenting,a great love relationship,getting a college degree,and building a career that means something to you.Some things in life are better suited to a slow-cooker than a microwave oven.

Patience and self-control need to be cultivated,just like muscle tone from working out.Putting upsets into perspective can also help.We can stop,breathe,and realize that most things that disappoint or frustrate us are not terminal. They are temporary. We can try to connect with the humanity of the other person or people stuck in a difficult or absurd sitaution with us. We can look for the humor in it. We can remember that the store clerk probably makes minimum wage and is trying the best they can.The clerk probably does not set the prices.

I vote for a little more self-control and a little less rudeness. Maybe, one person and one family at a time,we can turn the tide on the trend of rudeness.Or, perhaps we can build a life raft for the non-rude people who are left and need a sense of community.Being an everyday hero means disposing of your own anger,frustration,and disappointment in a way which is not toxic to others.