Teaching Children Virtues

Parents of school-aged children get busy, and sometimes focus on their children's negative behaviors. It's important to know that as a parent, you have the power to create teachable moments to introduce your children to developing positive character traits that will serve them well all their lives. Parents don't have to take a passive role, feeling frustrated with the values in movies, society and media that impact their children and teens. Instead, you and your partner can be the choreographers in teaching your children to be virtuous.

Grandparents, aunts and uncles can also make valuable contributions by teaching positive character traits, and discussing them with the young people whose lives you touch.

To get started, you will need to make a list of the character virtues that you admire in people. Here are some to consider, but you can develop a list of your own personal favorites:

Humility/Modesty

Gentleness

Self-control

Patience

Kindness 

Compassion

Self-discipline

Productiveness

Tenacity/ Perseverance

Courage

Integrity

Honesty

Self-care

Independence

Creativity

Resourcefulness

Open-mindedness

Love of learning

Justice

Personal leadership

Forgiveness

Gratitude

Playfulness

Teamwork

Spirituality

Cultivating joy/happiness

Appreciation of beauty

Social responsibility/service

Humanity (caring for others)

You might begin by choosing which trait you want to focus on with the young person/people in your life for the next month. I generally encourage parents to begin with the virtue you believe your children are most needing for their development. For example, if your children argue with each other and annoy each other, you may want to begin with focusing on teamwork.

If you hold weekly family meetings, as I encourage all the families I work with in family counseling to do, the meeting is a great time to introduce this month's virtue. You can have one of the children make a poster to hang up in the kitchen about that value, and have each family member add examples that they see at the next family meeting.

Make a plan for how you can teach the value of each trait. You can discuss it, help the child make an art project/collage demonstrating it, do some volunteer work together to experience it, or go on an outing together to explore it. You can look for examples of a particular character trait in the news or within the people you each know and talk about it. Asking children to watch for an example that they see among their friends of a particular virtue is fun and engages them. If you are teaching about service, perhaps you can do some volunteer work as a family as well as have each family member do random acts of kindness for others and compare notes.

Have some fun and be creative. I can remember being a child and learning about choosing a positive attitude by having a hall table with an empty drawer that we pulled a smile from each day when we left the house. Small children love to use their imaginations to learn things.

Grandparents can share stories about family members and others who demonstrated living the virtue you wish to help develop.

Parents, as well as family therapists, too often focus on negative behaviors. Helping actively develop character virtues and strengths is a healthy way to help create a next generation who are wise, transcend self, humane towards others, self-motivated and wonderful to be in relationship with. I can't think of a better legacy to leave behind us.

Confidence Rising

I love the combination of confidence and humility as character traits in people. How do we help nurture these qualities in our children? How do we build them in ourselves?

Our sense of worth is not static. It's dynamic and can go up or down based on events and our choices and responses to what happens.

Self-confidence is made up of self-efficacy (feeling capable), and self-esteem (a general sense of being able to cope with things, compete when necessary, and having a right to be happy).

If we have a high sense of self-confidence, we will do what we think is right, even if we are criticized for it. We will take healthy risks, and go the extra mile to achieve something. People with healthy amounts of self-confidence and humility will admit mistakes and learn from them. They will accept compliments with a 'thank you'.

Individuals with a low sense of self-confidence will modify their behavior based on what others think. They will stay in comfort zones and avoid risking. They may cover up mistakes or extoll their own virtues to others, or dismiss compliments altogether.

You can't get confidence from a relationship. You have to develop it individually.

Getting experience helps boost confidence, which is why it can take thousands of hours in a newly launched career or business to feel that way. It is normal to feel insecure at anything when you are just starting out. Preparing well for things, like business meetings and presentations, will help increase confidence.

Continuing in adulthood to learn new things and master new skills is important to aging well and staying mentally active. Some highly self-confident seniors I know have learned lots of things after retiring, like yoga, sailing, Pilates, foreign languages, meditation, advanced degrees, and serving others through volunteering.

Being assertive is another key component of self-confidence. You need to be able to effectively say 'no', and set boundaries and limits with others. You need to be able to speak up on your own behalf, and not let anyone mistreat you.

Confident people seek out others to spend time with who inspire, uplift, and encourage them. If you are trying to strengthen your confidence, spend less time with others who are negative and critical.

In building confidence, it's important to evaluate your strengths, weaknesses and your accomplishments so far in life. What are your ten most meaningful accomplishments so far? What are the ten next things you'd feel good about accomplishing? How can you take some baby steps to address your own weaknesses so that would make you feel more confident? Discuss this question with someone close to you who can offer suggestions.

Create intergenerational friendships, so that you have friends of all ages. It can help your confidence to have emotional support, and others to ask for wisdom who have been where you are.

Confidence is different from arrogance. Arrogance hurts relationships, because it assumes you know everything or know better than others. Being confident should have some humility mixed in it, so you know you don't know everything, aren't afraid to ask questions, ask others for their input or perceptions, and readily admit mistakes and learn from them. Confidence doesn't require perfection.

Extreme self care helps build confidence. Exercising, being active, and doing things you enjoy all help promote confidence.  Getting enough sleep, changing unhealthy habits, eating well and taking care with your grooming all strengthen it.

Take on projects you might have been procrastinating on. Clear your desk. Organize and beautify your surroundings at work and at home.

Acting with confidence will help, too. Stand tall. Smile more. Reach out to extend a handshake or greet or acknowledge others.

Manage your negative self-talk by watching how you talk to yourself. Be grateful, and express it. Don't whine or complain. Speak more slowly. Focus on solutions, not problems. Acting confident can help build confidence. Don't ever tell yourself you can't have or be what you really want. Don't limit yourself. Make a list of things you've been tolerating and make plans to get past them.

Living in a kind and generous way can build confidence as well. Volunteering and doing things to help others makes a person less self-conscious and more confident, too. Say 'yes' to invitations from others whenever you can to make your world larger.

Raising capable, confident children is also easier if you reflect same qualities.

Self-confidence can always be strengthened. As author Mark Victor Hansen wrote, "Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles, and less than perfect conditions. So what? Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident, and more and more successful".