Why Are 8 Million Married People On Ashleymadison.com?

If Carl Jung,the psychoanalyst and founder of Jungian Psychology, were still alive,I think he would say the shadow self is alive and well in 2011. This week, I thumbed through the April,2011 issue of the mainstream women's magazine,Redbook. I noticed a story the magazine teased about on the cover about America's cheating web-site, Ashleymadison.com They sent a reporter,Lisa Taddeo, to do an undercover(no pun intended) investigation into who uses such a web-site and why. I thought her findings highlight some interesting trends,and merit some discussion about what it means for intimacy,sexuality,marriage,family and our own soul journey through life.

The web-site's slogan is,"Life is short. Have an affair." Does that sound like have an icecream or a chocolate bar to you? Can you spot the superficiality and narcissism in that? Taddeo found that 8 MILLION married people are using the site to attempt to reach a stranger for cybersex,e-mail photos and correspondence,and sometimes meeting up for uncommited sex. Two-thirds,or,roughly 6 million, of their members are men,and the rest are women.The average member,Taddeo found, is a 44-year old bored man who is married with children.She found most of the men that contacted her reduced their partner's significance to the level of a pronoun,SHE.Noone actually used the word cheating,but favored calling it "seeking pleasure outside the relationship".See the denial?(I'm really a great guy,it's just that I'm missing a soul.)

The researcher found one of the men that responded to her listing was a married father that was a friend of her family's. Most of the men seemed hungry to reminisce about their past with an interested listener who would let them tell their stories. They wanted conversation more than sex frequently.Most liked the excitement of an in-box with something in it from someone secret,and the seratonin rush from that.Some weren't even married yet,and were cheating on a fiance.Many wanted to create a false sense of intimacy by e-mailing brief life summaries,as if they really knew each other.All of them told her they felt they were so stealthy that their wives didn't suspect a thing.See the hurtful self-absorption?

As I read her report, I kept wondering what Gail Sheehy,the author of Passages,and several more recent books on how we manage the transitions in adult life,would say about these findings.Men in their 40's can have a 'male menopause',or a period of mid-life reevaluation.They can wonder,"Is this all there is?" Getting on Ashleymadison.com,and trolling for sexual activity may be a less successful way to attempt to find a deeper meaning and life purpose as one approaches mid-life.Or a way to deal about feelings about aging. Sad,isn't it? There are absolutely better,richer, and more real ways to increase life's meaning in our 40's and beyond,including changing one's career,pursuing a dream,helping others,developing a talent,strengthening your faith,deepening your sensitivity and compassion as a partner and a parent.None of those strategies are as easy,instant,or passive.They require work,authenticity,and an awareness that your choices impact every life you touch.

So, beyond the initial "ICK!" factor,I found Taddeo's observations undercover give us insight into modern love,and the threat that instant,secret cybersex poses to real,authentic intimacy and successful resolutions to the predictable crises of mid-life.This would be a good discussion to have with your partner about the Ashleymadison.com phenomenon,and what you each feel about what such a breach could mean to your trust,intimacy,and the sacredness of what you mean to each other.If I could reframe their motto,"Life is short. Don't blow it, and mess up a wonderful relationship by letting your shadow self or ego call the shots. Or you might live meaninglessly everafter."

Keeping It Fresh With Your Partner

Everything gets stale if it just sits there:bread, cookies, love relationships. Almost every month, I have a patient tell me they are not sure if they are still in love with their partner. It doesn't surprise me a bit. In successful long-term marriages, it is normal for couples to fall in and out of love many times. The question is, what do you do about it?

During the courtship phase of a relationship, everyone is on their best behavior, and trying hard to be an interesting partner. It's relatively easy for an individual to appear positively during courtship. You see each other a limited amount of time, do fun things together, and are apart when you are doing some of the mundane tasks of everyday life.I often wonder if I catch a show like the Bachelor, currently on ABC,who wouldn't have a great time on some of those dates? Exotic vacations, fine dining and outdoor adventures could make any date seem terrific, but it's no surprise that a lot of those matches don't last long after the show taping. Falling in love is a temporary,endorphin-filled state of mind which never lasts. The challenge comes after that first glow wears off, and you figure out whether you have the capacity to grow, mature, accept, nurure,and love the person you picked.Even if they are not completely what you expected, which noone ever is.

You could use the feelings of falling out of love to justify having an affair, emotional or physical, because you are not getting those good feelings from your current partner. This is an emotionally immature choice, because you go chasing the endorphin surge that will pass again, and you prevent your own soul growth as a person, and your partner becomes collateral damage to your self-absorbtion.

I encourage individuals and couples to understand the normal ebb and flow nature of commited relationships. There are a number of life cycle events---having a new baby,having teenagers, launching children and moving on, the death of a parent, and others, which normally pull couples further away from each other.

Your part is to understand and take responsibility for keeping your most important relationship fresh. How good a partner are you? Noone is allowed to say I gave before, so now it is up to my partner. Relationships are like an energy feedback loop. If you are contributing at a high level(say 100%), it is amazing how that may bring your partner around to be more engaged with you. What sweet things have you done for your parner this week?

Here are some interesting ideas for you to implement this week:

1.Use touch.Massage your partners' neck or back gently. Hold hands. Sit near them.
2.Kiss and hug hello and goodbye when one of you leaves or arrives.
3.Send sweet or flirty text, voice messages,or e-mails.
4.Have some high energy fun together.
5.Do some things without the children.
6.Plan weekly date nights.
7.Plan a getaway weekend.
8.Surprise your partner with a little gift for no reason.
9.Take good care of yourself so that you are still attractive to your partner.
10.Find interesting things to talk about together.I generally forbid couples I counsel to discuss the children or household tasks on dates with each other.
11.Meet up someplace new. Drive separately, or meet after work.
12.Learn something new together.
13.Ask your partner for feedback about how you are doing at meeting their needs.
14.Share responsibility for initiating intimacy. EVERYONE likes to have their partner pursue them. Men included here.
15.Listen more to your partner. Paraprase what they are saying so that they know you understand.

I encourage you to take ownership of not letting your relationship go stale.You picked this person,remember.You can intentionally up the energy and focus you put into the relationship, and see what occurs.

There is no reason to wait until Valentine's Day on February 14.Truly magical things happen when each person takes responsibility for being a loving, attentive,fun, and alive partner and person. Let the magic begin!