Reinventing Yourself

As the season changes to fall,the warm summer weather fades,children and teens are back at school,and its time to freshen up our lives a little.Just like the year has seasons,so do our lives.

Over the last week,I read a new book about the last third of Jaqueline Kennedy Onassis' life,went she began a career in publishing at age 46,as her children were late teens,and she was not as needed by them."Jackie as Editor: The Literary Life of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis",by Greg Lawrence(Thomas Dunne Books,2011)is a warm and interesting portrait that examines the question of how Onassis reinvented herself after the passing of her second husband.For many years,Jackie was overshadowed by the powerful men in her life,and her role as wife and as mother.In her mid-40's,she really didn't have a clear purpose,and was ready to keep her mind busy with a new one.

JKO didn't need the money she would earn as a book editor.She only earned a few hundred dollars a week to start,and she had plenty of money in her trusts from both previous marriages.The author suggests that Jackie had always loved reading,and found authors interesting,and their work important.

Even Freud knew that we need two elements in our lives:love and work.Just one is not enough,and may put unnecessary srain and pressure on your work or personal life.The two elements balance each other in creating a more deeply contented person.Caroline Kennedy,in a recent interview done in advance of the September,2011,release of her new book,states that her mother often expressed wanting both meaningful work and love for both she and her brother,John.

Creating a meaningful life means reconsidering the mix of people,purposes,and use of time periodically.Different developmental stages for us as individuals,and as families,offer us opportunities to consider:

1)Am I contributing in the way I want to others?

2)Is there a new challenge or skill I would like to master?

3)Are there unlived experiences I want to pursue now,while I am healthy?

4)Does the way I am spending my time still make sense now?

5)Am I bored?


In Lawrence's book,the writer follows Jackie's battle with cancer,her early death,and how it impacted her friends in the publishing industry,and those outside of it.Scott Myers is noted for remarking when he was told of Jackie's terminal cancer,"This was a true tragedy,because I got a strong sense that this woman,at this point,had life figured out.She had surrounded herself with this constellation of cultured,wonderful people,she had many interests she cared deeply about,she was constantly immersed in new and stimulating ideas.She had strong family ties,her personal life was solid,and that she had places that she loved..."

So both the year, and our lives, have seasons.Adapting,reinventing,and updating are key skills that make individuals successful in creating a meaningful life.Making our passages is a critically important life skill.

Why Are 8 Million Married People On Ashleymadison.com?

If Carl Jung,the psychoanalyst and founder of Jungian Psychology, were still alive,I think he would say the shadow self is alive and well in 2011. This week, I thumbed through the April,2011 issue of the mainstream women's magazine,Redbook. I noticed a story the magazine teased about on the cover about America's cheating web-site, Ashleymadison.com They sent a reporter,Lisa Taddeo, to do an undercover(no pun intended) investigation into who uses such a web-site and why. I thought her findings highlight some interesting trends,and merit some discussion about what it means for intimacy,sexuality,marriage,family and our own soul journey through life.

The web-site's slogan is,"Life is short. Have an affair." Does that sound like have an icecream or a chocolate bar to you? Can you spot the superficiality and narcissism in that? Taddeo found that 8 MILLION married people are using the site to attempt to reach a stranger for cybersex,e-mail photos and correspondence,and sometimes meeting up for uncommited sex. Two-thirds,or,roughly 6 million, of their members are men,and the rest are women.The average member,Taddeo found, is a 44-year old bored man who is married with children.She found most of the men that contacted her reduced their partner's significance to the level of a pronoun,SHE.Noone actually used the word cheating,but favored calling it "seeking pleasure outside the relationship".See the denial?(I'm really a great guy,it's just that I'm missing a soul.)

The researcher found one of the men that responded to her listing was a married father that was a friend of her family's. Most of the men seemed hungry to reminisce about their past with an interested listener who would let them tell their stories. They wanted conversation more than sex frequently.Most liked the excitement of an in-box with something in it from someone secret,and the seratonin rush from that.Some weren't even married yet,and were cheating on a fiance.Many wanted to create a false sense of intimacy by e-mailing brief life summaries,as if they really knew each other.All of them told her they felt they were so stealthy that their wives didn't suspect a thing.See the hurtful self-absorption?

As I read her report, I kept wondering what Gail Sheehy,the author of Passages,and several more recent books on how we manage the transitions in adult life,would say about these findings.Men in their 40's can have a 'male menopause',or a period of mid-life reevaluation.They can wonder,"Is this all there is?" Getting on Ashleymadison.com,and trolling for sexual activity may be a less successful way to attempt to find a deeper meaning and life purpose as one approaches mid-life.Or a way to deal about feelings about aging. Sad,isn't it? There are absolutely better,richer, and more real ways to increase life's meaning in our 40's and beyond,including changing one's career,pursuing a dream,helping others,developing a talent,strengthening your faith,deepening your sensitivity and compassion as a partner and a parent.None of those strategies are as easy,instant,or passive.They require work,authenticity,and an awareness that your choices impact every life you touch.

So, beyond the initial "ICK!" factor,I found Taddeo's observations undercover give us insight into modern love,and the threat that instant,secret cybersex poses to real,authentic intimacy and successful resolutions to the predictable crises of mid-life.This would be a good discussion to have with your partner about the Ashleymadison.com phenomenon,and what you each feel about what such a breach could mean to your trust,intimacy,and the sacredness of what you mean to each other.If I could reframe their motto,"Life is short. Don't blow it, and mess up a wonderful relationship by letting your shadow self or ego call the shots. Or you might live meaninglessly everafter."