A Long Goodbye: Mom's Legacy

My mom passed away this week after a 9 year battle with cancer. I'm feeling grateful for having her as my mom all these years, for the kind of mother, grandmother and person she was. I also feel profoundly grateful for the hospice staff who helped us and the unsung hero, my dad, who was her caregiver and made it possible for her to stay at home as she wished.

Over the past 9 years, I've had lunch and some kind of outing with mom pretty much every Friday. We didn't let cancer get in our way much. We went out for lunch and an adventure, even if we needed to pack a walker or a wheelchair. We talked about so many things: her growing up years in Kansas on a wheat farm in the Great Depression with her 7 brothers and sisters, losing her dad when she was still young, about her life as a wife, a mother, and especially her constant joy with being a grandmother to my daughters.

Since I have known for years that her cancer was a terminal type of blood tumor cancer, I've had a great deal of time to reflect on all the wonderful life lessons she taught me. Here are some of the best lessons she taught me with her life:

1. Invest in people. If you invest in children, maybe you can be close to them all your life as they grow up. When I called many of mom's friends this week, I was moved by how close so many different people felt to her.

2. Being a grandparent is what you make it. Join their world, slow down and be hands-on. I will never forget finding mom and my girls deep into a pasta making adventure in her kitchen and letting each child shape, cook and eat their own creation.

3. Speak up. Don't go unexpressed. Mom was not afraid to tell you how she felt. She was open and direct.

4. Always have a trip planned or something to look forward to. She loved working in the travel industry for many years and loved helping people make wonderful plans and enjoy having a trip on the horizon. Even in her last few weeks she was excited about helping us make plans for an 80th birthday brunch she was looking forward to. In her heyday, mom and I took my girls traveling on girl's trips to New York City one year, and Washington, D.C. another. Mom and Dad traveled extensively together on co-adventures they loved.

5. Make life fun. Growing up, we had a smile drawer by the front door which was actually empty but you could use your imagination to grab one on your way in or out. We had a backwards party as kids where we ate dessert first and did everything backwards. Mom made international dinner nights when my sister and I were kids. She got us involved in making art projects like drawing and making marzipan.

6. Start with what you're going to wear. Anytime any family member had an important event upcoming- a graduation, dance, job interview, wedding or a big presentation, she would help by suggesting what would be good to wear or take you shopping to help you find the perfect thing.

7. Work hard and believe and you can make things happen. Mom loved a project and working towards a goal. She helped me set up my first office and get settled when we moved. She loved to have us help her rearrange the furniture as kids.

8. The importance of home. Mom made home a priority, and took delight in making it warm and inviting. She loved to entertain family and friends.

9. Stay positive and never surrender your hope. During her 9 years of battling terminal cancer, she focused on what she could still do. In the last few weeks, she joked about what would happen if she flunked hospice.

10. Make life a wonderful adventure. Mom was silly, fun and full of life. When my girls were little, she dressed up for Halloween to surprise them and served color-themed breakfasts on antique glass dishes, like a blue breakfast with blueberries or a red one with raspberries.

11. Keep learning and growing. Mom was interested in personal growth before it was even fashionable. She took classes and read extensively about relationships and spirituality. She and dad introduced me to the enneagram by taking some classes with them in Santa Monica many years ago. She loved to learn and understand herself, others and the world better. I'm sure she influenced my becoming a therapist.

My mom, Phyllis Nelson, leaves a legacy in many hearts. She was brave, kind, determined and creative. I will always remember mom with a strong, warm feeling in my heart, and I think lots of other people feel the same way.

What is Your Health Legacy?

I spent a weekend in June learning from Daniel Amen, MD, Daniel Siegel, MD, Mark Hyman, MD,  Tana Amen, RN and a variety of other mental health, physical health, wellness and fitness experts at "Brain and Body Turnaround". The conference got me thinking about how much we each need to take responsibility for our health, and the patterns we are modeling for our children and grandchildren.

Dr. Amen is a neurologist and psychiatrist who founded the Amen Clinics, where he is well-known for using brain scans to help identify certain kinds of physical and mental illness, and his studies show the impact of improved health habits on brain functioning. Dr. Siegel is a UCLA child psychiatrist and leading expert and researcher in mindfulness.

We each inherit certain genetic predispositions, but we can take control for doing our best to manage our moods and not trigger health problems. We all have choices about our thinking, the food we eat, having good sleep habits, and whether or not we exercise. I enjoyed the conference because it focused on getting past excuses and making some small changes. Even a few changes, like adding in a daily walk, can have a huge impact on your physical and mental wellness.

Each of us has to decide what health legacy we want to leave behind us. Our life is our message. It is more powerful than whatever you could say to your children.

Do you want younger family members to see you actively engaged in learning new things, practicing mindfulness, forgiving others and yourself, making repairs to tense relationships when you can? I always admire people who continuously seek personal growth and deeper relationships, as opposed to sliding by in quiet desperation or complaints. Taking action to make relationships stronger and more satisfying is a sign of mental wellness. I have had clients into their 80's and beyond who are working hard on making a relationship better, or making a life adjustment successful. I love to see that kind of open-minded aging.

Many mental health concerns, such as anxiety and depression are helped greatly by daily moderate exercise. I routinely ask about how much my clients are exercising, which can help ease both anxiety and depression symptoms.

Working with your own automatic negative thoughts daily and learning to counter them is critically important. Each of us is vulnerable to sometimes using black and white thinking, emotional reasoning, mind-reading, personalization and other thought errors which can make us feel worse if we don't trash them daily. You may want to write them out, counter them and rip them up!

Taking responsibility for what we eat and the exercise we get daily is also an aspect of optimal wellness. Reducing or eliminating sugars, for example can help us avoid weight gain and stabilize mood.

We want to avoid a "victim" mentality about our health and genetic risk factors. We want to think of our doctors as consultants, not our fathers or mothers. It is healthy to ask questions and get second opinions. I noticed years ago when I helped lead an arthritis support group for a local hospital, how much better patients did when they were active in the treatment, educated about options, and physically active and cooperative with dietary changes.

As we age, we need to make a decision if we want to  take responsibility for staying as active, healthy and vital as we can as long as we can. What helps?

1. Exercise daily. Start slowly if you haven't been active, and get your doctor's approval.

2. Limit or eliminate sugars, energy drinks, and soda. Limit alcohol use, too.

3. Eat more fruits and vegetables.

4. Keep your weight in the right range, with a BMI under 25. Overweight is considered a BMI of 25-29.9, while obesity begins at a BMI of 30. Obesity increases risk for Type 2 diabetes, heart disease, some cancers, sleep apnea, stroke, osteoarthritis and other diseases.

5. Drink more water.

6. Consider going organic with your produce to avoid pesticides.

6. Develop good sleep habits. Limit caffeine after noon, set a routine wind down time, sleep time and waking hour. Turn off technology (television, computer, ipad, cell, etc.) an hour before bed as the light is activating for your brain.

7. Keep learning new things.

8. Practice quieting your mind with gardening, needlework, reading, meditation, prayer, silence, listening to music, or guided imagery daily. This will help you manage your moods better.

9. Don't believe every stupid negative thought you have. Sweep them out daily.

10. Stay open to building and developing your friendships and your love relationship to be genuine, mutually supportive and honest. Spend time with people you care about.

11. Help others. Find a way to contribute to the planet at whatever stage of life you are in. Someone needs you, and love makes us real. Find a need and fill it, whether it's in your home, your neighborhood or the larger world.

12. Heal childhood wounds and work through losses. If you are still hurting about things from childhood or an unresolved loss, find a good therapist who can help you work through your feelings
and experiences and let it go. Don't keep carrying your pain around.

Don't carry forward unhealthy lifestyle habits or mental/emotional habits to share with younger people in your family. You can break any pattern or tradition you want, from negative fear-based thinking,  emotional overeating, poor parenting, addiction issues, rigidity, unhealthy relationships or depression/anxiety. It's what you do with what you have that helps you leave a positive legacy of mental and physical health.