Your Family of Origin: It's Where Your Story Begins

You get more than your eye and hair color from your family. Understanding as much as you can about your family of origin is incredibly helpful as a starting place for working on yourself. Just as we inherit DNA, we also get patterns of behavior and ways of being in relationships scripted for us. If we have insight about what our parents' and grandparents' lives were like, how they related to others, and what their emotional lives were like, we can better understand ourselves.

As a structural family therapist, I often draw out maps of family experience known as genograms. In them, I work with individuals, couples and families to illuminate and bring the family history to life. We go as many generations back as we have information about. Here are some family patterns to consider:

1. Where were your family members raised? Did they immigrate from somewhere else? Why?

2. What do you know about their childhood experiences? Socio-economic status of each part of the family?

3. What educational level did people have? What kind of work did they do?

4. What do you know about how happy the marriages were in both sides of your family? Were family members expressive? Unexpressive? Affectionate? Aloof?

5. Are there family members who struggled with alcohol or substance abuse? Was it treated or untreated? How did family cope with challenges in healthy or unhealthy ways?

6. Who struggled with anxiety or depression? Was it treated or untreated?

7. For deceased family members, at what age did they die, and from what cause? How did losses impact the family? Are there suicides in the family? Are there chronic or life threatening illnesses? Deaths from war?

8. Who stays married no matter what ? Do people divorce and/or remarry? Are there patterns of infidelity?

9. What role does faith play in any of the family?

10. What is each generations' style of parenting? How small or large are the families? How did parents discipline? Do families stay close, or splinter apart?

11. Where are the alliances? Who is close to who? Who fights with who?

12.What are the family traditions and values on each side of the family?

13. Who moves away? Who stays close to home?

14. Who cares for aging relatives? What is home like?

15.What is the family most proud of in terms of accomplishments?

There are many subtle impacts of your family of origin role models. For example, if your parents fought a great deal and were not openly kind or affectionate with each other, that's the script you get by growing up with them. If you understand that, you can choose to love your parents but decide to rewrite how couples interact with each other. You can decide to be caring and loving, and model something completely different to your own children. That's powerful change.

Knowing your family genogram isn't about blame. It's about understanding where and how your story begins and what feels "normal" to you. When you marry, your partner comes with their own family story. Neither one is all good or all bad. It's just where you start. The more honest, open and non-defensive you can be about the patterns in your family, the better. It allows you the emotional freedom to make choices about which parts of the family transmission pattern you want to continue, and where you chose to edit and rewrite your own life story.

9 Strategies for Moving Past Your Partner's Affair

You love your partner, and never dreamed they would be unfaithful. Now you found out. Perhaps you had been noticing different behaviors in your partner, or you found a heap of text messages or phone calls to the other person. Maybe you found the restaurant or hotel receipts, or the credit card bills, or a mutual friend saw your partner out with the other person and reported it to you. It may be that your partner came out and told you directly. You are grief-stricken, and your whole life appears not to be what you thought it was. Now what?

If you are married, love your spouse, and  have children and a whole life together, it's a big decision to give up all your dreams because of their affair. Infidelity is wrong, and involves a third person in your relationship. Practically speaking, it is also very common. Can couples heal and move on together after an affair?

I have seen many couples deal with the aftermath of one partner's affair, and some couples really can heal and get past it. An affair can, but often does not have to, end your marriage. If you choose to stay and repair the marriage, you have a whole journey of healing ahead of you. It helps to know what to expect, what to talk with your partner about, and what to do on your own to take responsibility for your own healing.

Your partner's response when the details of the affair matters: Were they remorseful? Did they sincerely ask for your forgiveness? Were they more arrogant and defensive? Were they willing to work hard to repair the marriage with you? If they weren't truly repentant and deeply sorry, you may want out of the marriage, because this affair may be foreshadowing of more affairs to come.

What if they really regret the affair and want to repair things with you? How do you manage the myriad of feelings the spouse feels who has been cheated on? How do you work through the trust being broken with your partner? How do you move through the current hell you are living through,with an eye to rebuilding the future of your marriage?

1. You need to take time to grieve. Finding out that your beloved spouse was unfaithful to you---physically, emotionally, or both, is a huge loss. In some ways it's worse than a death, because it was a willful decision to turn to someone else without regard to hurting you.To grieve, you must  feel all the feelings that you experience: shock, anger, bargaining, sadness, hurt, and eventually, acceptance.Grief comes in waves. It can be very intense.You can feel it as physical symptoms, including an inability to sleep, not being able to eat, a hollow feeling in your chest, etc.You have lost the trust and the innocence you once had in the marriage. Something has happened that you won't be able to forget, but can work hard to forgive over time. You may want to journal or talk with a therapist on your own to process all your feelings, and decide what you most want to communicate to your partner. It is usually a better choice not to share everything with friends, family, or your children (especially if you want to work it out, as you may forgive your partner, but they might not).

2. Do extreme self-care. In the months following your finding out about your partner's infidelity, it is  important to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. Few things in life feel more like a personal hit and rejection that a partner's affair. Take some time to reinvest in yourself. Exercising might save your life during the first few months. Change a few things up about yourself. Find ways to be your own best friend. This is a time to reinvest in yourself, because you have to get stronger to fight for and rebuild your marriage. Whether your repair attempts work, and you are able to rebuild your marriage or not, you are with you either way.

3. After you get the facts on the affair and have talked openly with your partner, try not to obsess about your partner's every move. Better to act with integrity and self-esteem, and put your partner on notice that you are "all in" the relationship with them, as long as they are "all in" as well. Let them know that if you find out they are continuing their unfaithfulness, you may need to end it. This is about reclaiming your own power. You are not willing to be repeatedly victimized. Go on record about this with your partner.

4. Restructure the relationship with your partner. You need to understand what the affair meant to them. Are their unmet needs that they have? How about needs that you have? Create a format where you can each check-in with each other about how you are doing with the other. Do you have a regular date night? Weekends and vacations away together? If not, set it up, take turns making the plans, and get going. Begin having fun together again if you weren't. Find a safe way to make behavior change requests with each other.

5. Require new transparency in the marriage. As a marriage therapist, I don't like couples to have secrets. Discuss and negotiate new boundaries on Facebook, cell phones, email, lunches with the opposite gender, etc. Modern technology makes infidelity an easier temptation, but inappropriate and hurtful behavior needs to be addressed. If your partner can't agree on some reasonable compromises with you, it's a huge red flag. It is reasonable for you to want new boundaries.

6. Coping with triggered grief, anger, and sadness is an inside job. Much like war veterans can get triggered PTSD symptoms, lots of little things can surprisingly trigger the downward emotional spiral of people who have been betrayed. You have to be able to sort it out yourself, or get help doing so. If you fall apart or get angry or paranoid over every little thing,your partner will begin to feel hopeless that you two can get back on track. You have to be able to choose which items are the big things, and how to ask your partner for comfort (as in holding you). You can't stay stuck in angry, attack mode or it will drive your spouse further away. Remind yourself that your partner CHOSE to return to you, rather than pursue a future with the other person. It may help you to keep a list of your negative thoughts and check the evidence, making sure you are not using distorted thinking like emotional reasoning. You need to sort this out and be aware of not coming across as hostile, defeated, and stuck with your partner. Pick your battles, don't beat your partner up every time you get triggered. You can also learn to do thought stopping, where you go run a few miles when triggered, or remind yourself your partner stayed with you.

You need to be able to develop your own internal dialogue to deal with the insecurities that have gotten stirred up inside you. It may be overwhelming to your partner for you to be consistently needy, angry, and hyper-vigilant. You need to stay grounded, and keep a mindful of creating a new, better relationship with each other. Keep in mind that your partner may have given up the other person, but is actually grieving that relationship concurrently to working out things with you.

7. When you feel safe to do so, begin to address the sexual relationship between the two of you. If it has been dormant in recent months or years, heat things up again. I find many marriages have become disconnected in this intimate part of the relationship after having children. Begin to talk about what you would like in this intimate area of your life again, and get your partner to talk about what they have always wanted in this area. If at all possible, do not ask for specifics about sexual activities between your partner and the other person. It will be harder to get rid of these images. Make your partner wonder why they ever got involved with anyone else! Again, get out of victim mode as soon as you can. You can't undo what has happened, but you can try to rebuild and move forward.

8. Develop your spiritual life together as a couple after the affair is uncovered. A shared faith could be a huge help as you try to heal.

9. After the initial grieving, try to introspect about whatever part you may have played in the distance that happened in your marriage. It's perfectly possible you played no role in it, and certainly your partner involving another person was wrong. It is also possible that you need to own things you did or didn't do that distanced your partner (Did you get busy and ignore him? Over-focus on the children? Not invite her for date nights or couples time? Not share responsibility for a great sexual relationship?)

Marriages change after infidelity, but with your strength, the right support, and a good effort from both you and your partner, you may be able to get back on track and not lose your love and your life together. Hopefully, years from now you can look back and be glad you rebuilt your life together. In a world where the divorce rate is this high, being a couple who dug deep and renewed your commitment to each other and rebuilt the trust over time is something to be proud of you both for. There are times in life when digging deep and growing through difficult times can make you grow as an individual and as a partner.

Mad Men: Universal Themes Still Hit Home

Although the Mad Men television drama series is set in the 1960s, many of its human elements are truly timeless. There are struggles that are relevant to today: developing a sense of identity and trying to reinvent oneself, the challenges of attaching to another person in a genuine, intimate and enduring way, the desire to achieve, the impact and pitfalls of alcoholism and chemical dependency, the difficulties of divorce on both adults and children, the issue of feeling alone and disconnected. Pretty well hits most people, doesn't it? No wonder the series has won so many awards. It transcends the sixties beautifully. Change the furnishings and the wardrobe, and many of the dynamics relate well to life in 2012.

The central character in Mad Men is advertising executive Don Draper. While he is now a hugely successful Creative Director, and later a partner at a Madison Avenue advertising agency, he has a secret past. In a locked drawer in his desk at home are the remains of his former life as Dick Whitman, the son of a prostitute who died as he was being born. He grew up with hostile and abusive caregivers in extreme poverty. During his military service in Korea, Dick's commanding officer was killed. In a powerful moment of reinvention, Don switched his military dog tags with his deceased officer's. He then returns to the US and assumes the other man's identity. While his methods are dramatic, many people can relate to his desire to improve their life circumstances, and begin again....hopefully in a more integrated way. Over the years I have coached many people to navigate and create a life again after a significant loss, of a partner, a family member, a career, or serious health concerns. It takes courage and tenacity to begin again. While Whitman/Draper's situation is extreme, it does capture our imagination. It is symbolic of the changes one makes as we continue to evolve across the lifespan, just without this level of drama.

The relationships in Mad Men are interesting dances to watch.Infidelity abounds. Some of the physical intimacy is completely empty and meaningless. I can't easily identify a love relationship on the show which seems ideal. There is a sadness that is revealed at times, a longing for a deeper, more lasting connection. Roger, another partner at the ad agency, divorces his wife of many years, and remarries a young secretary at the firm closer to his daughter's age than his. At times he seems lonely, and like he has little in common with his much younger wife. Don's wife, Betty, seems like a horrible mother and completely disinterested in the day to day business of raising their family. She appears lonely while Don works incredibly long hours and has a whole string of extramarital affairs. When all is revealed about Don's multitude of secrets, Betty seems unable to forgive him. The timing is off, which, we are reminded in our own lives, sometimes happens. I often wonder what marriages I work with in couples counseling would look like if we could get both partners really putting their commitment into being all in. Mad Men reminds us that relationships are complicated, some people have never learned to attach securely, and great marriages take BOTH people living empathetically, transparently, and lovingly with each other.

On the ambition front, we get to watch through this series the desire most of the characters have to achieve something and be noticed. Organizational psychology illuminates how the work environment is like another family. Siblings (co-workers) are jealous of the credit and kudos others receive from the parent figure (boss). There are issues of jealousy, competition, rage, acting out, mentoring, support, and alliance-building. Just like at home! In particular, I find Don's relationship with his longtime copywriter, Peggy, interesting. Peggy admires Don and continues to seek his approval each season, even as she develops her strengths and assertiveness.

What about the drinking and smoking? It's excessive, and seems to begin first thing in the morning. At work! Clearly the characters are coping with a fast paced life, anxiety, sadness, loneliness and lots of other things by drinking and other substance use. They don't seem to have a very healthy lifestyle, and are numbing many of their feelings. Never a good choice, then or now.

A number of characters divorce, including Don and Betty. The pain that the children feel at losing their father from their life is palpable, and will hit home with anyone who is a child of divorced parents, or has gone through this trauma with their own children. Family therapists know that among the nodal events in family life, entrances and exits (like divorce), are two of the hardest. Watching the pain in Bobby and Sally Draper's eyes as they hear the news about their parents' break-up is heart-wrenching.

Lots have things have changed since the Mad Men era. We wear seat belts and bike helmets. Women can play different roles at the office besides secretary. Hopefully nobody is drinking at the office or chain-smoking through pregnancy. Beyond these differences and the style changes in design and fashion, many of the human themes transcend across these fifty years to challenges we each face in our lives and hopefully come to some more lasting and satisfying resolution. The outfits are different, but the desires for connection, closeness, support and achievement endure.

Takeaway Lessons From Weinergate

Rep.Anthony Weiner(D-NY) finally resigned yesterday,under fire from his congressional colleagues, Nancy Pelosi,President Obama,his constituents,and a whole lot of media attention.What a sad chapter,for Anthony Weiner and for his wife,Huma,who is expecting their first child.Is there anything we can learn from this whole mess about intimacy,honesty,and marriage? Here are a few life lessons we can sift from all the emotional rubble of hurt,embarassment,and unraveling lies.

1.Cheating is cheating.Any secret contact between you and another person that you would not want your partner to know about is unfaithful and disloyal. This includes text messages,sexting,emailing,voice messages,secret meetings,hook ups,emotional affairs and physical contact.If you have to hide a behavior,it's probably wrong. Intimacy is based on trust and transparency.

2. Your behaviors impact your partner and your children and everyone who loves you.Think about the interconnected web of lives you touch BEFORE you do something impulsive.One problem with text messages and tweets is that people feel that the impersonal,supposedly private and immediate nature of the communication emboldens people to do things that they wouldn't normally.

3.Admit it when you make a mistake. Don't blame someone else for your misjudgement. It makes it worse,and causes others to lose trust in you.Weiner might have kept his role in congress if he owned up to his missteps right away and manned up with integrity.Lying about his twitter account being hacked and defensive denials just made him look worse.

4.Beware the needy ego which requires constant feeding and stroking.Something is profoundly broken inside someone who has an insatiable need to be seen as attractive to an ever-changing line up of strangers. Like Narcissus in the Greek myth,this person is more in love with their own perception than a real,loving,and intimate relationship with another person. Can you say shallow and self-absorbed? Real self esteem gives you a sense of creating meaning and peace,not a fire that has to be constantly stoked.

Real intimacy is based in empathy for the other person,devotion,faithfulness,honesty and groundedness.It runs deep.It calls an awareness of the sacred trust between two people.It is about something bigger than self. Emotionally mature people can transcend the moment to moment desires of the self, and instead honor the meaningful relationship you have built with your beloved.Anything less than this cheapens the value of your relationship and you as a person.Perhaps politicians are vulnerable to absolute power corrupting absolutely,and losing their way in the temptation of ego fluffing.