Stop Expecting Mind-Reading

When we are young and idealize falling in love, many of us imagined a perfect partner who reads our mind and intuits our needs and wants. Later, the mature person of any age begins to realize that if you are going to have any success in relationships with other people, that's really NOT a healthy or realistic expectation to have. We need to grow up emotionally and make an internal shift on this point.

In emotionally healthy adult relationships, each person needs to be able to reflect and sort out what they are feeling, and what they want to request of the other people in their life. Nobody is ever going to read your mind telepathically and deliver your unstated needs to you by UPS. It doesn't work like that. The sooner you can learn to reduce your expectations of others in this area, the happier you can become. You need to voice your own needs, as well as listen to those of the people who matter to you.

Even the right sensitive, caring partner is not feeling exactly what you are feeling, or understanding the nuances of what you need unless you express it. Sometimes in couples counseling, I find one partner with distorted or "magical" thinking about this, and holding onto childhood fantasies that their perfect partner will know them without any effort on their part. Sorry, but I can pretty much guarantee you that isn't going to happen.

I sometimes find it helpful to think about it being our individual job to identify what we are feeling, and teach others how we want to be loved. We are each different, and you may have a very different love language from your partners'. Neither of you is wrong, but as you accept and learn about the differences between you and your partner----in terms of childhood experiences, unmet needs, unique feelings, and expressed desires---you can actually grow much closer.

As it turns out, assumptions are dangerous in relationships are quite dangerous. For example, here are a few bad ones:

1.      I don't have to tell my partner what I need. They should know. ( A set-up for much disappointment.)

2.      I know everything about my partner. (Watch out! This one could come back to bite you. An attitude of openness and curiosity is actually much more helpful. People change all their lives, hopefully, as we keep living, learning, and evolving.)

3.      My happiness is totally dependent on somebody else making me happy. (Wait! Where's your responsibility for bringing some happiness and sharing it with your partner?)

4.      My partner should always be the one to court me, or reach out to me. (Actually, everyone likes to feel that your partner initiates time and positive contact with you. This shouldn't be one directional.)

Let's put that myth to rest that an ideal, mythical partner will read your mind, understand your feelings without any effort on your part, and meet all your needs. The good news is that you will be a better person and a better role model for your children if you are a grown-up who takes grown-up sized responsibility for sorting out your own upset feelings and asserting yourself in a healthy, appropriate way. That's the grown-up adaptation of that childhood wish, well resolved.

Good Advice: The Four Agreements

If you are looking for a meaningful book to give as a holiday gift, I recommend Don Miquel Ruiz's 1997 classic,"The Four Agreements".Ruiz had a near-death experience which led to a life of reflection and self-inquiry.He made the study of ancient wisdom and spirituality his passion.A little self-reflection is good for all of us as another year winds to a close.

Here are the four agreements:

1.Be impeccable with your word.This means using your energy in the direction of truth and love for yourself and for others.It means avoiding gossip. If you are impeccable with your word will make you happy and bring you peace.You are honest and speak the truth.Your life will be less complicated, and you will live in love, rather than fear.When you live in integrity and are impeccable with your word, you will like yourself better.

2.Don't take anything personally."Personal importance", or taking things personally is the height of selfishness. It assumes everything is about you.It also makes you too vulnerable to predators.Think of it as people who try to feed you negative emotional garbage,and if you eat it,the negativity becomes a part of you.If you take things personally, you can get easily offended and hurt. Try not to take either praise or criticism personally. If you are at peace with yourself, what other people say about you isn't your concern. Avoid the needless suffering of taking things personally. Even if others lie to you,they lie to you because they are afraid you will discover they are not perfect.If someone doesn't treat you with love and respect, it is a gift if they leave you.Your heart will eventually heal. By practicing not taking things personally, you will avoid much hurt and upset in your life.

3.Don't make assumptions. We believe our assumptions are true,and they often aren't.
We create emotional poison through acting on our assumptions. This creates lots of drama and pain. Making assumtions in our relationships is asking for trouble, because you DO have to say what you want in relationships. Don't assume your partner should or does know what you want, or reads your mind. That's an irrational expectation. Don't assume people will change. Find someone you respect and don't have to change at all. Imagine your life without any assumptions about the people who are close to you. Instead of assuming things, ask questions and develop an attitude of curiosity about others.

4. Always do your best.You will have a different capacity at different times in your life. Your moods or health can change, so your personal best may vary depending on circumstances. If you always do your best, you won't judge yourself harshly, and can avoid guilt and blame.Enjoy your work. Our actions to do our best honors God. If you do your best always, you will build a beautiful life.


Ruiz is an insightful writer, and helps the reader to get some valuable perspective on our lives and relationships.Here's wishing you a 2011 with more personal freedom, and emotional well-being.You and your relationships will benefit from putting the four agreements into practice on a daily basis. Living the four agreements will help you mature emotionally into the person you were designed to become.