The Most Important Ingredient

There is one essential ingredient to all relationships. This includes love relationships and marriages, as well as relationships between parent and child, between siblings, in friendships, as well as in the workplace. It serves as a starting place and foundation upon which all other actions and behaviors follow. Can you guess what it is?

It's mutual respect.

Seeing the humanity and dignity in each other is a key part of having successful relationships. It means that you don't feel you are a better person than the other person. It recognizes that they are allowed to have separate and different feelings or opinions than you do. In fact, it's the differences which keep things interesting in relationships.

Mutual respect means you talk to the other person using a kind, polite, and respectful tone. You abandon sarcasm. You are honest and direct. You don't play games. You are skilled enough to let the other person know directly if you are upset with something that they have done. You don't yell, scream, belittle, or ignore the other person.

Withholding and shutting out a loved one or friend is actually one of the most destructive and hostile actions you can take. That behavior pattern, of ignoring and freezing someone out, is passive-aggressive, and extremely hurtful and unskilled.

Mutual respect in families means children are respectful of parents but also that parents role-model this mutual respect in the way they speak to their children. Teaching our children by example about how to create and maintain mutually supportive and respectful relationships is about the best training for life we can give them. They will needs these relational skills all of their lives. We hand them the blueprints for their future relationships.

Couples need to examine the blueprints they got from their parents. Were your parents mutually supportive and respectful? Or did Dad criticize Mom to the kids? Did Mom belittle Dad to her friends? How did their patterns unconsciously infiltrate your own behaviors and attitudes towards your partner? You can choose to rewrite the script in your generation, and not continue the multigenerational transmission of disrespectful behaviors flow through you to your own children.

Mutual respect in friendships means your friends don't have to be exactly like you. Neither one of you is always right. Your true friend can be different from you in many ways, but there is that sacred trust, understanding, and acceptance.

If a child you are in a relationship with is disrespectful, you can be an influence for good by teaching them how to do better. Make sure you are not role modeling or enabling the same primitive behavior.
Emotionally mature adults don't participate in disrespectful behavior as payback.

With an adult child who is being disrespectful towards you, it's important to discuss how and why you feel disrespected, and communicate effectively and calmly what you need them to do in the future to make you feel more respected. You also need to make sure your own expectations of a self-supporting adult child are reasonable, and that you also treat them with the respect they are due. (Hint: you don't get to pick who they date, for example.) Respect should operate both directions.

If you are in a relationship with an adult who is disrespectful towards you, it will not magically get better. You must shift internally and renegotiate the relationship terms, knowing that disrespect is unacceptable to you. Perhaps the other person respond to the truth of your observations, and be willing to change, and give up their disrespectful behaviors and tone with you. If not, you may need to require them to go with you to remedy the situation by going to counseling to break the old relational patterns and get support and skills for doing better.

If the other person is not willing or interested in changing their disrespect, you may need to alter or sever the relationship for your own well-being. It is not healthy to stay in relationship with someone who disrespects, belittles, and dishonors you. Every human being has a right to expect better.

In Gestalt terms, relationships  between adults that have this disrespect have to be shifted from relating from a critical parent stance towards a partner as an errant child, to a more adult to adult way of relating.

Mutual respect means you don't just expect to be listened to, you also stop to listen from your heart to understand the other person. You don't play "victim" as if you are without any part in misunderstandings or upsets. You own your own part. You apologize when you are wrong and try to do better.

When you are cooking and leave out a key ingredient, like eggs in a cake, everything falls apart. It won't rise the way it should. The same is true in your close relationships. Don't forget the mutual respect, or you won't be creating anything of value. Anyone who isn't able or willing to learn how to respect you, just as you respect them, might be worth unloading or restricting their access to you. Mutually respectful relationships are your birthright.                                

When Friendships End

Last Sunday, I read a great article in The New York Times called "Endship" by writer Alex Williams, about when friendships come to a point of change. Reading Alex's article got me reflecting about the importance of friends, and the differing lifespans that relationships have. Not all friendships can go the distance through the rest of your life, despite the fact that you were very close at one time. There is no protocol for ending or scaling back a friendship. How do we navigate these uncharted relationship waters?

The support, companionship, and feedback of close friends is so valuable. You can meet up and have some fun together, compare notes on how your lives are progressing, celebrate each other's happiness, and mourn each other's losses and disappointments. Research supports that friends can be good medicine. When I am working with people who are grieving, I always assess their support system, because being close to others will invariably be a great resource and help in the adjustments one makes after loss (divorce, death, breakups, moves, job loss, etc.)

It seems to me that some friendships are based more on common circumstances, such as working together, having children at the same time, or being neighbors. Some of these friendships go deep enough to sustain the connection after you are not in the original circumstances in which you became friends. Others can't. There are friendships where you can lose day to day contact, but no matter how long you go in between visits, you can pick up where you left off. These friends are keepers, like gems to be treasured. If you have even one or two of this type of friend, you are blessed.

Watershed moments in your life, or your friend's life, can be defining moments in friendships. People tell me they never forget friends that are understanding at particularly difficult stretches in their lives, such as the loss of a partner, parent, or child. Conversely, it's hard to feel as close to a longtime friend who can't summon up any compassion or tenderness when you are hurting, and can't move off center stage. (And now, more about me). Deep, authentic friends can listen and transcend self.

Sometimes your own life changes, and it may not work to take certain friends along with you. Couples have to think about how it may impact your husband or wife to keep up friendships with former partners, and agree on how you want to handle these boundaries. I call this closing the exits. It doen't mean that you didn't care deeply for a former partner, but realizing there were reasons you broke up with them and chose the partner you have. You can wish them well, and let go.

It is important to watch the balance in friendships over time. Look for patterns. Is spending time with your friend lifting you up, energizing, and nurturing? Do you and your friend bring out the best in each other? Are they consistently draining, or always whining but not taking any forward action? Do they inspire you to be better or get excited about your own life? Do you feel like the complaint department? Is there a balance, or is it one-sided?

It is a loss when a friendship ends. You may feel it coming on for years. There isn't really a protocol for ending a friendship. While the virtual world of Facebook has the cruel possibility of unfriending someone, real life doesn't work that way. Fading away gradually, being kind, but sharing less personal information and not initiating as much contact seems gentler. Acceptance of the differences in friendships is essential. Some friendships have a lifespan or a freshness date, while another type of friendship goes deeper than having common circumstances, and can go the distance the rest of your life. Both are valuable, and enrich, broaden, and soften our lives.

Do friendships sometimes need to end? Yes. Take your time. Reflect. Be kind. Honor even the friends who you shared part of your life with. Always be on the lookout for adding wonderful new potential friends to your life as well. The happiest people I know continue to make friends at every age, and stay open minded. Looking for friends who motivate, bring out the best in you, challenge, and support you is an activity you can continue all your life. Being a good friend who is loyal, caring, interested, and supportive is always a good place to start.

How Friends Are Good Medicine

A week or so back,I read a cute and thought-provoking essay in the Wall Street Journal about friends,and how having them helps your marriage.It was one reporter's observations about how having girlfriends to turn to helped her be a better partner,and have more realistic expectations about her relationship with her husband.

The reporter's musings got me thinking about the role that friends play in our lives. They validate and normalize our life experiences. They comfort us when we go through loss or difficulty.They share our personal history.They know our cast of characters.If they are a good friend,they are not afraid to call us on things.They encourage us to be brave and do the right things.They commiserate with us about things that annoy us.They may see our patterns.They know our strengths,and our weaknesses.The right friends are people we admire and respect who lift us up and let us lift them up,too.They hurt with us when we go through difficulty,and share our joy when life is good.

Close and meaningful friendships mean even more over the lifespan.In adult development,friends mean the most in our teen years and again from midlife on.Some of us get caught up thinking your partner can be everything you need in our twenties and thirties,or as we are in the busy new couple and then parenting years. As children are preparing to launch,reestablishing friendships is a crucial help in making the successful transition to being an emptynester.

Choosing friends who you respect is important.You are likely to be influenced by your close friends.Do they have integrity? Are they honest? Do they take pride in their life's work? Do they strive to be a good parent,partner,and person? Do they deal with life's challenges and losses,or do they hide behind addictions?Are they stuck whining and complaining,or are they living their life fully?

Because of personality style differences,such as extroversion and introversion,different people need different amounts of friends.Introverts prefer people one-on-one,or in a small group setting.True extoverts like the more the merrier.This is actually a continuum from one extreme to the other,with people falling all along the line about what is normal for them.Your partner may need more or less time with friends,and that is perfectly okay.Healthy couples can individuate enough to allow for these differences and not feel threatened by it.

When are friendships NOT healthy and good for you? This is true if your friend aids and assists your weaknesses(think tendency to overspend,drink too much,cheat,lie,etc.).Any friendships which are a secret to your partner are wrong and deceptive,and dishonor both you and your loved one.Friendships which are not balanced are not good,as when one friend does all the initiating of contact,or pays every time,or one person constantly dumps on the other.

The healthiest friendships are fun,have common goals and interests,and feel reciprocal and count-on-able.Some friends can go long time periods without contact and remain close despite big gaps in continuity.Some friendships go the distance in your life,while others seem to have a frehness date and a natural ending once your life situation changes.

There are lots of documented physical and mental health benefits to cultivating strong and meaningful friendships.You are blessed if you have one or more of thge really good ones.As we mature emotionally that no one person can meet your EVERY need,like one stop shopping.Having close and supportive friends promotes your ability to be a better partner and person,and keeps your expectaions realistic that your fantasy partner who intuits your every need and wish,without you communicating,is silly.Real love and authentic connection with your partner and your friends is so much more satisfying.Friends really can be good medicine.