Strong Enough To Be Vulnerable

Writer Louise Hay, the godmother of affirmations, wrote this one about vulnerability that I love:

"It is healing for me to show emotions. It is safe for me to be vulnerable."

One of the most beautiful things about people to me is when they have been through loss or difficulty, but it has not broken them. Life's challenges can break you open instead. It's been said that when your heart breaks, that's where the light can get in. I admire tremendously when people cultivate both their strength and vulnerability. It's an unstoppable combination of traits which will serve as a standard for others.

It takes a strong person to be honest about who you truly are, and what you are needing in your closest relationships. Many people do intimacy dances where they hide parts of themselves, and are fearful to really be known by the intimate other, or let the other person see your fears, hurts from childhood wounds, or your biggest hopes and dreams for your life and for the relationship.

I find people can't act forever. In your closest relationships, one will begin to resent and detach from the other person if you aren't brave about talking through your needs, your hopes, and your hurts, and listening from the heart to your partner's side on each of these concerns.

In relationships, we are always in motion, either getting closer, or drifting further away. It takes a brave and vulnerable individual to talk with your partner honestly about what is working well, and where you would like to do things differently with each other. Many people are starving emotionally in their relationship, and you can begin to correct the trajectory by talking about what you need and want, not in anger, but with love and vulnerability.

Being strong with your children may mean being a responsible parent who provides structure, consistency and predictability. (Think paying the bills, serving dinner at 6, helping them with homework, having household rules). Being vulnerable may mean being willing to apologize freely from the heart when you overreact or misstep. Sorry,but nobody's perfect, parents included. Being vulnerable might be hugging, tucking in, making plans to hang out together, or letting them know when you feel close to them, or what they mean to you. You can't imagine the number of adults I've seen in therapy over the last 20 years who never felt like they got the love, attention, tenderness, or approval from their parents that they needed. Good news! You can break the cycle and give your children that emotional tenderness they are needing. Start today by telling them, or writing them a personal letter about what they mean to you.

Remind yourself this week, by repeating Louise Hay's insightful affirmation to yourself ten times a day: "It is healing for me to show emotions. It is safe for me to be vulnerable today." Imagine not only an individual who cultivates strength and vulnerability, but also you and your partner, your family, your community, and all whose lives you touch. It's a wonderful, hopeful picture.

What Are We Teaching Our Children?

I have a sweet photograph of a child walking away down a forested path that I have had framed for many years in my home. Underneath the photograph, it reads:

"Children are always the only future the human race has. Teach them well."

If you are a parent, the people your children become are likely to become your best legacy when you leave. Often as parents, we can become so busy trying to support the family financially, drive kids places, and stay happily married that we lose sight of our goals with our children. It is helpful, as I often do with parents I am coaching, to refocus on the goal.

What is our purpose in parenting? Every parent, or set of parents, needs to develop their own clear mission statement about the purpose of your parenting journey. It will help to guide your steps as you parent day by day. Let me share a few examples with you.

My goal as a parent is to finish raising our three wonderful children to become capable, independent, responsible, kind, well-balanced adults who can contribute to the world in their work and through their personal relationships. Then we can work backwards to figure out how to get there.

I wanted our children to be responsible,so we continually reevaluate what age-appropriate tasks they can be taught and take over for themselves. This is where strong self esteem really comes from. This means that girls and boys need to begin when little picking up after themselves, helping with a few tasks at home, and keeping up their room. We don't want to overprotect and make them lazy and weak. It is my preferences that early teens learn how to do their own laundry, make a few meals, and manage some small amount of money. Part-time and summer jobs can help teens learn to be on time, responsible, kind to counter help and servers, and learn the value of money. Even when they come back from college, evaluate if they can pay a few of their own bills while they save to move out on their own. If you are fortunate enough to have some housekeeping help, instruct that person not to do things the children should be doing for themselves.

Watch out for what you are role modeling. If you are a hoarder, throw your things around, or leave clothes and belongings around the house, your behavior will speak so loudly that it won't matter what you are trying to teach the children. They learn by watching you. This is another great way in which having children gives us the opportunity to grow up and mature ourselves. If you want them to understand the benefits of having a clean and organized home environment, you need to involve them alongside you in creating it. One family I am currently working with had a successful family clean up day recently, having the kids go through their rooms with a bag for trash and a bag for donation. That's living your values.

We are also teaching our children about selfless service to others, respect for older family members, commitment to a loving marriage, managing money wisely, practicing your faith, and how to treat people at stores and restaurants. We are constructing blueprints for how we want our children to handle disappointment, frustration, anger, and loss.

How you treat your partner also constructs an emotional blueprint for your children. Can you both apologize? Repair things after a fight? Do you fight fairly? Are you affectionate with each other? Do you have date nights as well as family time? Are you a faithful, devoted partner whose marital commitment means something? Are you honorable, kind, and fun to be with? I am now seeing several couples whose parents gave them no template at all for being a part of a loving couple, and they are starting from scratch in that department. We know we can do better for modeling to their young families.

We are also role modeling how to deal with stress. Do we go for a run or workout, rather than drink or overeat? Are we open emotionally, so that we teach emotional courage, generosity, and being vulnerable with those closest to us, rather than stuck in blame, pettiness,and control attempts? Do we role model practicing our faith? Are we resilient under challenges ourselves?

Being the very best person and parent you can be is an evolving, ongoing process designed to make us more the person we were meant to be. I had no idea when I became a parent 22 years ago what a fascinating, difficult and awe-inspiring journey was beginning. Truly, if we are open to it, our children polish us up and make us look at the lessons our life is teaching. I can't imagine my life without all the good things our three girls are teaching us.

Mad Men: Universal Themes Still Hit Home

Although the Mad Men television drama series is set in the 1960s, many of its human elements are truly timeless. There are struggles that are relevant to today: developing a sense of identity and trying to reinvent oneself, the challenges of attaching to another person in a genuine, intimate and enduring way, the desire to achieve, the impact and pitfalls of alcoholism and chemical dependency, the difficulties of divorce on both adults and children, the issue of feeling alone and disconnected. Pretty well hits most people, doesn't it? No wonder the series has won so many awards. It transcends the sixties beautifully. Change the furnishings and the wardrobe, and many of the dynamics relate well to life in 2012.

The central character in Mad Men is advertising executive Don Draper. While he is now a hugely successful Creative Director, and later a partner at a Madison Avenue advertising agency, he has a secret past. In a locked drawer in his desk at home are the remains of his former life as Dick Whitman, the son of a prostitute who died as he was being born. He grew up with hostile and abusive caregivers in extreme poverty. During his military service in Korea, Dick's commanding officer was killed. In a powerful moment of reinvention, Don switched his military dog tags with his deceased officer's. He then returns to the US and assumes the other man's identity. While his methods are dramatic, many people can relate to his desire to improve their life circumstances, and begin again....hopefully in a more integrated way. Over the years I have coached many people to navigate and create a life again after a significant loss, of a partner, a family member, a career, or serious health concerns. It takes courage and tenacity to begin again. While Whitman/Draper's situation is extreme, it does capture our imagination. It is symbolic of the changes one makes as we continue to evolve across the lifespan, just without this level of drama.

The relationships in Mad Men are interesting dances to watch.Infidelity abounds. Some of the physical intimacy is completely empty and meaningless. I can't easily identify a love relationship on the show which seems ideal. There is a sadness that is revealed at times, a longing for a deeper, more lasting connection. Roger, another partner at the ad agency, divorces his wife of many years, and remarries a young secretary at the firm closer to his daughter's age than his. At times he seems lonely, and like he has little in common with his much younger wife. Don's wife, Betty, seems like a horrible mother and completely disinterested in the day to day business of raising their family. She appears lonely while Don works incredibly long hours and has a whole string of extramarital affairs. When all is revealed about Don's multitude of secrets, Betty seems unable to forgive him. The timing is off, which, we are reminded in our own lives, sometimes happens. I often wonder what marriages I work with in couples counseling would look like if we could get both partners really putting their commitment into being all in. Mad Men reminds us that relationships are complicated, some people have never learned to attach securely, and great marriages take BOTH people living empathetically, transparently, and lovingly with each other.

On the ambition front, we get to watch through this series the desire most of the characters have to achieve something and be noticed. Organizational psychology illuminates how the work environment is like another family. Siblings (co-workers) are jealous of the credit and kudos others receive from the parent figure (boss). There are issues of jealousy, competition, rage, acting out, mentoring, support, and alliance-building. Just like at home! In particular, I find Don's relationship with his longtime copywriter, Peggy, interesting. Peggy admires Don and continues to seek his approval each season, even as she develops her strengths and assertiveness.

What about the drinking and smoking? It's excessive, and seems to begin first thing in the morning. At work! Clearly the characters are coping with a fast paced life, anxiety, sadness, loneliness and lots of other things by drinking and other substance use. They don't seem to have a very healthy lifestyle, and are numbing many of their feelings. Never a good choice, then or now.

A number of characters divorce, including Don and Betty. The pain that the children feel at losing their father from their life is palpable, and will hit home with anyone who is a child of divorced parents, or has gone through this trauma with their own children. Family therapists know that among the nodal events in family life, entrances and exits (like divorce), are two of the hardest. Watching the pain in Bobby and Sally Draper's eyes as they hear the news about their parents' break-up is heart-wrenching.

Lots have things have changed since the Mad Men era. We wear seat belts and bike helmets. Women can play different roles at the office besides secretary. Hopefully nobody is drinking at the office or chain-smoking through pregnancy. Beyond these differences and the style changes in design and fashion, many of the human themes transcend across these fifty years to challenges we each face in our lives and hopefully come to some more lasting and satisfying resolution. The outfits are different, but the desires for connection, closeness, support and achievement endure.

Be The Architect

What if this beautiful new year, you woke up and realized that you have way more control than you ever realized to make your life and relationships really satisfying? Many of us don't fully understand that in many ways, we are each the architect of our own life. I find this a similar dynamic to how we use very little of our actual brain capacity. Many times, people drift along at work, in their marriage, with their children, and in their own life path. You might feel silently slightly sad, or complain to others, or be aware of a sense of longing which calls you to a higher level of being alive. Sometimes the disappointments and difficulties in our lives discourage our spirit and flatten our dreams. The fresh start of a new year is the perfect time to dust off your hopes and dreams, and figure out what you want now.

This could be your year to commit more fully to the lifelong development of yourself, and to having deep and loving relationships with those closest to you. Life is passing by, and you really shouldn't settle for a mediocre life or relationships. You have to take an active role in making positive upgrades in your life-- it's an inside job nobody else can handle. You can start by taking inventory with the different facets of your life. How is each area working out for you? Here's a check-list to begin with:

Work

Finances

Marriage/Primary Relationship

Friendships

Spiritual Life

Physical Health/Fitness

Living Space

Intellectual Growth/Learning

Hopes and Dreams

Take a few minutes to reflect on the list of life components, and identify the one or two where you feel most stuck. Day-to-day life responsibilities and routines can crowd out our ability to focus on what REALLY matters. If you can think of yourself as the architect of your life, this review is like viewing your life from above in a helicopter, and deciding which aspects of your world merit some remodeling this year.

One important mobilizing next step is to do something different (and hopefully better) in the one or two areas you care most about improving. If you keep handling that issue the same way this year, you are likely going to get the same results. Baby steps are a good way to go here. How about a few examples of doing one thing differently?

If you are not happy about your handling of money, you could commit to writing down all your expenditures for a month, asking your partner to do the same, and meet to go over what you discover and set a shared budget. Being good stewards of our finances, and not wasting money, increases the sense of self-confidence, and makes a couple feel closer. Set a written budget together.

If you and your partner are drifting apart, or you are feeling resentful, carrying anger, or are bored, get moving to make improvements as soon as possible. Most people would hire a mechanic to fix their transmission, or a brain surgeon to do their neurosurgery if needed. A few sessions working with your partner and a good marriage and family therapist can do wonderful things to help guide you and your partner into better ways to work through differences, and ways to help make sure you both get what you really need. Be proactive, rather than suffer silently while your relationship is headed for an iceberg. An action step, like inviting your partner to go with you to counseling to make the relationship better and closer, is an incredibly loving and brave action that helps you both move out of fear and complacency. Over half of all marriages end in divorce. Many others aren't happy. Raise the bar and take responsibility for being the co-architect of one of the special marriages that is different: more loving, mutually supportive, encouraging each other to be your best, and being each others' best friend and lover all along the journey. Another positive step? Plan weekly date nights with your partner.

What if you hate your work? Think about one action step you can take. Take some career assessments at your local college (UC Irvine Extension has such a class here in Orange County, California). This is an affordable way to get some systematic, objective feedback on understanding your preferred skills, strengths, values, and work environment. Update your resume. Join a professional networking group for your desired industry. Information interview a few people who are in a position to make suggestions about how you could upgrade your skills or make yourself more marketable. Think about how you used to play as a child, as there are often clues there about the work you would most enjoy.

In any area you select to upgrade your life, there are many right answers about positive and courageous ways to do one thing different this year. Remember, life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. Realizing that only you can be the architect of your best life, and dusting off your dreams and resetting the course is empowering. Find other like-minded people to encourage you and keep up the pursuit of your life lived fully and well.

Family Is A Team Sport

Ever notice how being in a great family is like a team sport, such as volleyball, soccer, or football? The start of 2012 is a good time to refocus the team!

It helps a great deal if you all agree on the goal.

You need to rely on the other players.

Hopefully nobody is working for the opposing team. Be loyal to your team.

You need team meetings. Once a week at dinner works great!

Communicate with the other players as clearly as possible.

Congratulate and support each team player when they accomplish good things.

Keep your eye on the ball.

Work towards improvement for the team; don't expect perfection.

Don't tear each other apart.

Nobody can be the star player every game...you have to take turns.

Put each player at the position they play best.

You need a captain, or co-captains (strong parents).

Provide training for the younger players (for example, how to do age-appropriate chores that give life skills and confidence).

Set clear rules.

Working with families at different points in the family life cycle reminds me that talking with your family about the challenges you are facing, and getting everyone's input, buy-in, and help makes everything so much easier. Whether a family is preparing for mom to start back to work, or adjusting to a loss or an addition of a family member, being honest and talking it over is your best strategy for a vibrant, emotionally-connected family. It's a fresh new year! Suit up your team and get that family teamwork going!

Argue Only By Appointment

All couples see things differently at times. You're each unique individuals, and you probably grew up in families with their own ways of doing things and ideas about what is "right." Happily committed couples learn there is often MORE than one right way to do most things. Emotionally mature people respect their differences, learn to fight fairly and understand that all relationships have some recurring perpetual issues.

Every couple has 4 or 5 perpetual issues that are unsolvable, according to psychologist and marital researcher John Gottman. If you trade in your current relationship, guess what happens? You just get 4 or 5 different perpetual, unsolvable issues! So all couples will disagree. Don't be shocked. What counts is working out respectful, fair ways to discuss these issues when they come up.

How do you fight fair with your partner?

First, I encourage couples to argue only by appointment with each other. Don't launch a grenade as your partner is just leaving for work. No surprise attacks! It's better to let your partner know you want to set up a time to talk with them about something important to you. Ask if now is a good time, or if not, if you can set up a time later that same day or evening. (Your partner is not allowed to just say no.) You need to speak privately, without an audience. I also ask couples to have these discussions NOT in your bedroom, as that needs to be sacred space for you as a couple, not associated with tough conversations.

Next, don't hit below the belt. This means, don't call your partner names, yell, swear, or blame. Make "I" statements, so that you say what you want, need, and feel, rather than blame them.

Stay on one topic. Don't wander from one concern to another. It gets overwhelming for your partner and is not as productive.

Try not to bring up a long list of examples from past years,or since the two of you met. This long train of examples can make your partner feel hopeless about ever being able to make you happy.

Stay solution-focused. Give specifics. Ask for what you want. Allow for hope and the possibility that your partner might want to better meet your needs.

Remember, the intent is to help your partner better understand you and how their behavior affects you.

Having grown-up expectations for your relationship is important. Everything won't go smoothly all the time. You will see things differently. If you work it right, you can grow and become a better person through learning to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts. Perhaps this is a part of the plan, that through being in a close committed relationship, we develop fully into the person we were always meant to become: more open, respectful of differences, aware of your impact on your partner, and an active participant in keeping your relationship alive and grudge-free.

Finding Your Voice

For both teenage girls and adult women, asserting yourself and finding an acceptable way to ask for what you really want can be a challenge. There are social and cultural messages girls get growing up that contribute to women being more hesitant to speak up, and more likely to defer to the needs of others.

Sometimes women grow up thinking that if they find the right partner, he will intuit your needs. You won't have to speak up. This, however, is not a healthy expectation. Even if you find a caring, genuine partner, all adults need to learn to sort out their own internal experiences, give direct feedback in a constructive way, and ask for what they need emotionally in relationships. No one ever reads your mind. There is no perfect relationship that doesn't need any of your input or requests for adjustments.

One safe way to ask for what you want is to put it in this assertion formula: "When you_______________________(other person's behavior),I feel_____________________(your feeling), and next time, I'd like you to____________________________(their behavior. This little assertion recipe, if delivered in a calm and respectful way, will guarantee that you that you are asserting yourself appropriately, not too aggressively.

It can also be helpful to consider the transactional analysis concept of ego states: we each have an inner child, critical parent, nurturing parent, and an adult ego state within us. If we stay in our inner child state, we are afraid to tell others what we need, and we wait passively hoping that those closest to us will read our mind, as if by magic. If we are stuck in critical parent mode, we attack others if we don't get what we want or need. If we come from the adult ego state, we express our needs appropriately and clearly, and listen to the needs of others. In our adult state, we make compromises and solve problems together, communicating from our inner adult and trying to "hook" the other person's adult state.

Finding your voice is a lifelong task. You can get better and better at it. Communicating effectively in an appropriate way feels good, and increases your self-confidence as an individual. Effective communication in relationships takes both people operating at a healthy level. How is your partner ever going to hit the mark without your input? While you can't build healthier relationships all by yourself, you can know that you are doing your personal best to be honest, open and expressive in your most important relationships. Sometimes amazing things happen when you communicate more openly and maturely and see what happens. You can change the dance steps in most relationships by changing your own.